Why still read and post?

[September]

Whilst browsing many posts on OW/OM and Infidelity (and on other forums) i have seen a lot of people whose marriages have recovered from infidelity. My question is why do they keep coming back to these forums if everything is so good, even years after.

 

I am not being nasty when asking of this but I genuinely wonder why if everything is as good as it's being made out to be why keep coming back and put themselves through the constant reminder of the affair. When I see posters write that their "marriage is better and stronger than ever" I become curious....

[Silly_Girl]

Whilst browsing many posts on OW/OM and Infidelity (and on other forums) i have seen a lot of people whose marriages have recovered from infidelity. My question is why do they keep coming back to these forums if everything is so good, even years after.

 

I am not being nasty when asking of this but I genuinely wonder why if everything is as good as it's being made out to be why keep coming back and put themselves through the constant reminder of the affair. When I see posters write that their "marriage is better and stronger than ever" I become curious....

 

After successfully (and almost single-handedly!) fighting through the courts for access to my step-kids, I continued to post on the wonderful Dads forum I'd got help from. Firstly, because I felt a connection with the posters I'd interacted with and the plight of the posters in general; and secondly because I thought some of what I'd learned may help others.

 

Not saying your suspicions are unfounded, but I've never thought about it that way.

 

I have, however, wondered whether returning here (for me) has sometimes been, or will in the future be a negative activity.

[Untouchable_Fire]

After successfully (and almost single-handedly!) fighting through the courts for access to my step-kids, I continued to post on the wonderful Dads forum I'd got help from. Firstly, because I felt a connection with the posters I'd interacted with and the plight of the posters in general; and secondly because I thought some of what I'd learned may help others.

 

There is no denying that some sense of community exists on this website. No matter how dysfunctional it may be.

[September]

There is no denying that some sense of community exists on this website. No matter how dysfunctional it may be.

 

I can definitely see the friendships, community and connections and I think that is lovely! But for me, I suppose if I was was really happy and had moved on I wouldn't really want to keep re-living the experience and spending so much of my time consuming posts and responding. Again, it's not putting people down, I just wonder why...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can definitely see the friendships, community and connections and I think that is lovely! But for me, I suppose if I was was really happy and had moved on I wouldn't really want to keep re-living the experience and spending so much of my time consuming posts and responding. Again, it's not putting people down, I just wonder why...

 

Some people like to share knowledge and teach.

 

And maybe they are not reliving the betrayal... maybe instead they are reliving the healing process. Perhaps it provides a comfort, and a feeling of appreciation for coming out of the wilderness after 40 years.

 

Also... maybe they have really moved on, it doesn't bother them anymore... and they just want to help others get to that point.

 

So many positive options... I can't choose just one. Why go on assuming that people are lieing about their feelings when it makes just as much sense that they are telling the truth?

[September]

Some people like to share knowledge and teach.

 

And maybe they are not reliving the betrayal... maybe instead they are reliving the healing process. Perhaps it provides a comfort, and a feeling of appreciation for coming out of the wilderness after 40 years.

 

Also... maybe they have really moved on, it doesn't bother them anymore... and they just want to help others get to that point.

 

So many positive options... I can't choose just one. Why go on assuming that people are lieing about their feelings when it makes just as much sense that they are telling the truth?

 

I am not assuming people are lying but for me personally if I had moved on and was in a happy place I probably wouldn't feel the urge to stay in the cycle but that a just me and I am trying to figure out why and this is why I asked the question...

[bentnotbroken]

I can definitely see the friendships, community and connections and I think that is lovely! But for me, I suppose if I was was really happy and had moved on I wouldn't really want to keep re-living the experience and spending so much of my time consuming posts and responding. Again, it's not putting people down, I just wonder why...

 

 

So why do former alcoholics continue to help those is the throws of alcoholism by sharing their experience? How about rape survivors helping rape victims? Mothers of children killed by drunk drivers? We don't go through life in a vacuum. God didn't intend for us not to use our experiences to help others. By posting to a new person, offering a different perspective or letting them see the light at the end of the tunnel, we are using what we have learned as a way to help others along the way.

 

For some of us these sites are reliving anything.....it is recounting, which is without the pain and emotion.

[OWoman]

I am not assuming people are lying but for me personally if I had moved on and was in a happy place I probably wouldn't feel the urge to stay in the cycle but that a just me and I am trying to figure out why and this is why I asked the question...

 

I'm in a very happy place. Does posting here keep me in the cycle? I can't say "the cycle" was ever a bad place for me, nor one I felt the need to escape from, so I don't attach the negative connotations to it that your post implied.

 

I continue to read and post here because...

* I have some friends here, that I care about

* Sometimes other posters raise issues that I have experience of and can contribute to discussion of

* fOWs who M their fMMs are in short supply on LS, and for the sake of representativity, it's necessary to maintain some visibility of that demographic

* As are all different. Diversity of experience and opinion enriches the input that posters get on their threads

* Oftentimes, the OW /OM board gets swamped with BSs and the few OWs or OMs feel silenced. Veterans can help create the space they need to speak about their issues without their feeling too intimidated to do so.

* I'm curious to see how things are panning out for people I've come to "know" over time, so check in to read their updates

* Sometimes you just want to vent about something, or discuss something you've been musing on, with people who've BTDT and can relate (from whatever side of the triangle)

* I'm not one of those "digital immigrants" who sees a huge chasm between the "real" and the virtual world. To me, they're different spaces I move seamlessly between. I don't see being on LS as fundamentally different to popping down to the local shop for the newspaper

 

Not sure if that answers your question...?

[Owl]

There have been a number of good responses here.

 

I'm one of those people who's marriage recovered years ago (literally, about five years ago).

 

One thing you might note...I can't remember the last time I ASKED for advice...especially not on anything current in my relationship.

 

My marriage IS doing great...healed after the affair. So am I for that matter. So is my wife.

 

I've stayed around since to post advice to others that might benefit from it. You'll find that while I may not agree with some posters here, I generally try to remain respectful...I don't come here to pick a fight or bash at someone that might somehow 'represent' OM in my case. Heck...at this point in things, I truly do wish him well and hope he's doing good...as long as he remains out of our lives of course.

 

I don't relive the emotions I went through back then when I read posts today. Today, I read posts and I recognize the similarities in so many situation, and I post advice and suggestions to try to help people deal with and resolve the situation they find themselves in.

 

I try to use the information I gained through bitter trial to help them maybe get through their own situation a little faster, a little better than I did.

 

I'll admit to a bit of the sin of pride, too. It feels good to know that some people respect my advice and think it worthwhile to offer to others. I appreciate the thanks that I sometimes get, the feeling of accomplishment when someone who fought my advice for a while comes back and thanks me for sticking with them and giving good advice that helped them.

 

My hurt from what happened in the past is gone...or so miniscule at this point to be the same as gone. I'm not 're-living' anything posting here anymore. Now I'm just part of the community like many other posters.

[bentnotbroken]

There have been a number of good responses here.

 

I'm one of those people who's marriage recovered years ago (literally, about five years ago).

 

One thing you might note...I can't remember the last time I ASKED for advice...especially not on anything current in my relationship.

 

My marriage IS doing great...healed after the affair. So am I for that matter. So is my wife.

 

I've stayed around since to post advice to others that might benefit from it. You'll find that while I may not agree with some posters here, I generally try to remain respectful...I don't come here to pick a fight or bash at someone that might somehow 'represent' OM in my case. Heck...at this point in things, I truly do wish him well and hope he's doing good...as long as he remains out of our lives of course.

 

I don't relive the emotions I went through back then when I read posts today. Today, I read posts and I recognize the similarities in so many situation, and I post advice and suggestions to try to help people deal with and resolve the situation they find themselves in.

 

I try to use the information I gained through bitter trial to help them maybe get through their own situation a little faster, a little better than I did.

 

I'll admit to a bit of the sin of pride, too. It feels good to know that some people respect my advice and think it worthwhile to offer to others. I appreciate the thanks that I sometimes get, the feeling of accomplishment when someone who fought my advice for a while comes back and thanks me for sticking with them and giving good advice that helped them.

 

My hurt from what happened in the past is gone...or so miniscule at this point to be the same as gone. I'm not 're-living' anything posting here anymore. Now I'm just part of the community like many other posters.

 

 

Excellent point Owl. I hadn't thought about the fact that so many who have posted for awhile don't seek advice anymore. I on occasion ask about something I have heard my girlfriends talk about(they read here but don't post, so I pose the question and they read the responses). Or I might ask about something concerning my children.

[silktricks]

I post here and have a fully recovered marriage. Like Owl, I don't request advice any longer. Posting here does not "relive" the pain, as what happened seems like a different lifetime. There isn't any pain anymore.

 

So, why do I continue to post? Usually it's because I feel I have something to contribute to the conversation at hand. But if I no longer read the posts or came to the site I wouldn't see the conversation, and probably that's the better question. Not why do I continue to post, but why do I continue to come to LS to read?

 

The answer to that is somewhat varied, but usually I come simply because I know that the odds of there being something interesting going on here is fairly high. I like interacting with people as opposed to simply reading a book, so the interaction here on LS is something I enjoy.

[thomasb]

I ran into this site accidentally during a search for a card for my wife.

It has been over a decade since my affair. We have gone beyond just healing to a place of peace, trust and understanding.

I admit to being a little suprised to see some of the things stated here. That made me join just to respond. If what I say prevents someone from making mistakes, as I did, then good. If not, then maybe it eases my soul just a mite.

[2sure]

Because life is a learning experience involving constant change and evolution all based on our past experiences and our perceptions of them.

 

Why would someone in any of the forums continue to post??

[NoIDidn't]

Whilst browsing many posts on OW/OM and Infidelity (and on other forums) i have seen a lot of people whose marriages have recovered from infidelity. My question is why do they keep coming back to these forums if everything is so good, even years after.

 

I am not being nasty when asking of this but I genuinely wonder why if everything is as good as it's being made out to be why keep coming back and put themselves through the constant reminder of the affair. When I see posters write that their "marriage is better and stronger than ever" I become curious....

 

I understand that you said you are not being nasty, but I am curious as to why you have limited your inquiry to "people whose marriages have recovered from infidelity" that still post? Why focus on that group alone? There are several posters from all sides of the triangle - and some that have never been a part of an A - that still post here.

 

Is there something that doesn't jibe with you about the happily married that would post in forums related to marriage and infidelity?

 

I guess, for me, its just the internet. I like OWoman's characterization of it as a local pub or coffee shop. I see no reason to stop posting unless I stop enjoying it.

[September]

I understand that you said you are not being nasty, but I am curious as to why you have limited your inquiry to "people whose marriages have recovered from infidelity" that still post? Why focus on that group alone? There are several posters from all sides of the triangle - and some that have never been a part of an A - that still post here.

 

Is there something that doesn't jibe with you about the happily married that would post in forums related to marriage and infidelity?

 

I guess, for me, its just the internet. I like OWoman's characterization of it as a local pub or coffee shop. I see no reason to stop posting unless I stop enjoying it.

 

No, I don't have a problem with any relationship reconciling and I do think it is wonderful that people can do so. I just didn't understand why perhaps after such a long time that people still do post. Unfortunately some questions and statements can come across as cynical/ the wrong way when in text form and that certainly was not my intention.

The question was asked more to people that had reconciled because I was curious.

 

Like SG said, sometimes she questions whether to keep coming back here because it can have a negative impact on her, sometimes not, like myself, I also question if always coming here can help me move on. Again, that isn't to appear ungrateful for the wonderful help, it is just a general question.

 

Yes LS has helped me considerably due to responses from ALL posters but is

there a time when people should move on and that question is for OW/OM, BS'S?

[NoIDidn't]

Yes LS has helped me considerably due to responses from ALL posters but is

there a time when people should move on and that question is for OW/OM, BS'S?

 

I guess I don't understand wondering about one specific group over another even though you are directing the question of moving on to all posters. Not upset, just not something I would do.

 

I do agree with SG. That's why I take frequent - nonbanned lol - breaks. I would not want to carry the debates that occur here back into my real life.

 

I have learned much here from all posters (whether they believe it or not) and much of it positive.

 

Each person has to decide for themselves when they are truly ready to stop posting. Some take breaks that last for days, some for months, some for years. Either way, something for everyone - and never a dull moment().

 

Glad that LS has helped you. Some people, unfortunately, aren't able or ready to get the help that many on LS offer. From any perspective.

[donnamaybe]

but is

there a time when people should move on and that question is for OW/OM, BS'S?

And who is it to determine that but each individual?

[jthorne]

I really enjoyed Tony's response on a similar thread. I hope he doesn't mind me quoting it here:

Let us move on, AMEN!

I am not understanding why it is necessary to psychoanalyze the motives of others in posting on whatever subject they wish. I still have issues with the death of my mother and she died 50 years ago this November 13. I was very young at that time. Not a day has gone by in my life that her death hasn't impacted me in some way. However, with certain attitudes here I would rather go to the mall and discuss my issues with strangers than face the judgmental music of some people in these forums.

 

How about let's be kind to each other and let people post what they want, no matter what their motives. That's what we're here for. If you don't want to read their posts or respond to them, go to the mall and help some of those poor souls. If they don't have dead mother issues...they have overspending issues or worse.

 

God Bless all of you and may we all live and work together for the improvement of life in the world without being clobbered for what we do that seems strange to others. Let us not let life still us with a bad case of analysis paralysis. Let's move on.

 

Amen!

__________________

Tony

[SidLyon]

I really enjoyed Tony's response on a similar thread. I hope he doesn't mind me quoting it here:

 

Thanks for reposting this jthorne.

 

Personally I get a little tired of people who post something like this:

 

"I'm not meaning to be rude but was 'just wondering' why people are still posting after all these weeks/months/years when they claim to be:

 

(a) in marriages fully recovered from an affair,

(b) a former OW now happily married to their MM,

© an OW who is completely happy in her affair,

(d) a former OW who is now fully over her MM..."

 

etc etc.

 

Depending on the viewpoint of the poster they usually only select one of the above, and personally, it appears to me that they are having a dig at whichever group they select, with the not-so-subtle implication that the poster is not quite as happy/secure as they claim to be, and that it is somehow therefore wrong for the poster to be posting.

 

The way I see it is that very few claim to be gloriously happy 100% of the time with their situation but even if they are, so what? They are still allowed to post no matter what their motives.

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm sure people like September will continue to ask such questions and they are entitled to of course; and people like me, and any others who've replied, are just as able to say how tedious it is.

[Iconoclast]

Catharsis.

[September]

I am sorry if a lot of you have taken this question the wrong way. I have stated a couple of times that this wasn't to have a dig at anyone or side with any particular group. I am not here to mock or psychoanalyze anyone. I too am here for help and support. I have only been an OW and not a BS, so my questions may come across from that viewpoint. I cannot speak or ask questions as a BS.

 

I was merely asking a question out of curiosity as I was hoping to one day get to a stage when I felt that I wouldn't need to come back here. By stating this, I am NOT belittling posters that stay and offer information or advice contrary to what a few responders feel.

 

When I first had my child, I used to frequent a parenting forum. I eventually got to the stage when I felt I didn't really feel the need to continue and slowly moved on.

 

SL, if my question or other posters questions of a similar nature are so tedious you would be better off just glazing over and ignoring them.

 

Hockeyfan, it is not an issue for me at all and I don't know why the original question is being blown out of proportion.

 

 

Unfortunately, I can now see this post being torn apart and criticised paragraph by paragraph...sometimes it's just better not to ask.....

[SidLyon]

...SL, if my question or other posters questions of a similar nature are so tedious you would be better off just glazing over and ignoring them.

 

...

 

I acknowledged your right to post whatever you want. I didn't tell you that you would be better off doing something different. But you seem to think it's OK to tell me what I would be better off doing? I'm "just curious" why you feel that it's OK to tell me what you think I would be best doing when I haven't sought your advice on this? Something else I find tedious about some posters.

 

I have been on LS long enough to make my own decisions about what I want to respond to.

[turnstone]

People post to an Internet forum for a host of reasons, that much is obvious.

 

In an environment like LS and with reference to the emotive subject of infidelity, people who post are going to be extremely raw for a very long time and many, if not all, are going to have agendas in order to help them justify their position over and over again.

 

I cringe when I see OW appearing to 'help' other OW, when it is clear that they are merely using the thread they are posting to as more propaganda for their chosen life and to justify what they are doing.

 

The same is true of BS and I include myself in that. I have 'vented' for want of a better expression, in totally unhelpful ways and looking back I know I was using those actions and this board to justify my disgust for my exH's OW.

 

My agenda has changed however. Largely because I am actually quite a well adjusted person(!), but also because of the OW who want the MM they are in love with but not at any cost and I actually admire and want to support and learn from those women. It hit home just recently when I realised that the OW who's story and threads I was reading, wished no harm to her MM's wife. Remarkable because of its unusualness.

[crazycatlady]

My marriage is fine, but I'm still dealing with who and what the OW is to me and the feelings that has left. And that's partly why I still come. I do sometimes consider leaving because I don't think I'll ever figure out the OW from here.

 

But, I currently don't belong to any other websites with interactive forums. And I get bored so this does provide entertainment as well. And I will admit, I love giving my opinion.

 

CCL

[BB07]

A Sister from my Prayer Group e-mailed me the link to this site. We couldn't believe our eyes. We read and pray for each and every one of you.

 

Unfortunately, it looks like we will be here for a long time.

 

UH? Are you kidding me? You spend time here praying for strangers instead of people in real life?

 

Since you said that "it looks like we will be here for a long time", who is we? and do you feel like you are some sort of mission?