Dejin Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 Hey, Ok, I'll try and shorten this somewhat. To make a long story short, I had a gf for over a year, and we broke up a couple months ago, mutually. The relationship itself for the most part was great, and it wasn't a 'really bad breakup' or anything. In fact we're still friends. The reasons why we broke up, for me, were because we fought too much over pointless things (something of which I have Tried and Tried not to do w/ her, but always got sucked into it anyway), and I needed to concentrate more in other things, like school. For her, she said she needed a break from a relationship anyway, and she wanted to expand on our friendship. That's where my problem is: the friendship. Ever since the breakup, we act as if we are still together. We do everything, still hangout, still call eachother very frequently, still try to get together every single time we can, still sexually active... most of all - The pressures of a relationship Are Still There! I did talk to her about it, several times. How I want to concentrate on other things, I need space, ect ect. She sees my point of view about certain things (sexual stuff), but others she claims that 'friends do that!'. 'Friends call eachother!' 'Friends do things together!'. On top of that, she still wants to hold hands and kiss everytime we are w/ eachother... what is that? Friends w/ benifits? Its messed up because I am still attracted to her, so of course I like acting that way, but then problems come up because we still fight and I still feel like I did before. Now don't get me wrong, I did and do care about this girl deeply. But finally I told her I felt uncomfortable w/ being friends w/ benifits, it didn't seem right to me. She seemed to understand, but dun dun dun! It didnt stop. Now things were getting out of hand. It became even more of a problem (and just plain ol' confusing!!) just tonight, on the phone. She was asking if we'd get back together again after things settled down in my life. Really pressuring me about it... I told her I dont know right now, lets just see how things go. She was unhappy w/ that, claiming that I had "no hope" for our relationship, and if she didn't get an answer (a definite answer Yes or No) she wouldn't get back together w/ me ever. With that she hit me with tons of other things like "Oh we are just so different" "I am having doubts about us". ... What is that supposed to mean? Yes, this could work to my advantage. I could just let her go and do her own thing, she could find another guy to go obsess over. That would solve my problem. But it creates another. I do still want a friendship with her. (note: FRIENDSHIP! only friendship, nothing else) I mean cmon, I was with her for over a year! We shared everything together. Now to her she wants all or nothing... I can't give her 'all' but sure as hell hate that alternative of 'nothing'. Help! lol.
luvcrazy02 Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 Originally posted by Dejin Now to her she wants all or nothing... I can't give her 'all' but sure as hell hate that alternative of 'nothing'. Help! lol. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you do have to make a choice. Either be with her, or tell her how you need things to be. If you don't want to have the "friends with benefits" thing...then tell her. If she decides to make it "nothing", then that's her choice. You shouldn't compromise your happiness just to keep her around. If she is a true friend, your feelings should matter to her, and you need to tell her that...bring that up. If you just let things go how they are, or you get back with her...you may regret it and be miserable, and that's an unhealthy relationship. You guys will end up not being friends either at that point. So it is important to put your feelings at the top of the list in this situation. Good luck!
Author Dejin Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Good points. Thanks for your reply. I guess more direct communication would be helpful. Just tell her how things have to be for our friendship to work. Yet, I know she will get very defensive and I know she won't want to see my side of it right away. Ughh I dunno, it'll be tough. I'll talk to her when I think of exactly what to say in the nicest way I can. Lets see how things go. Hopefully good, but only time will tell.
luvcrazy02 Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 You could always start out with telling her how much you value your relationship with her...then tell her how you feel about it. Tell her how important things are to you. Tell her that you care for her, but you also need to do things on your own as well. If she tries to get physical with you anymore, just stop it. Tell her that you only want to be friends, and you don't want the benefits. It will screw up the friendship because you once were more than that. There are some people that can be friends with benefits and it works out, but those people usually have never been in a "more than friends" relationship with each other. It's different now that you have. Just tell her things like that. She should understand. If not...then she's not really being objective....what kind of friend would that be? I hope things work out for you...you have a very unique situation on your hands....good luck!
Author Dejin Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Thanks for all of your help I talked with her about this a little while ago, things are going ok. Better than I thought they'd go. In a nutshell I told her to just sit down because we were going to have a long talk. (Did that to set the mood, let her know I was serious) I told her that I do care for her a lot, but I need time away from all that, and the friends w/ benifits has to stop. I told her how I needed to concentrate on my own personal things right now, and I can't sit and commit to something when I honestly don't know. That it would be unfair to her anyway. I also added in things like 'I really need help with all this, can you help me out like a friend?' I think I got through to her... Thanks again for your support! PS - Well thank ya. Yours is good too.
luvcrazy02 Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Well good luck to you. I hope she really does understand where you're coming from. I hope she can really be your friend and not pressure you for more. I hope things work out for you.
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