Oxo Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 My boyfriend and I broke up this morning. We had been together on and off for about 4 years, but this time we were definitely on, talking about living together, planning trips etc. We started having some problems and I tried to ignore them (not a good idea). I've struggled with my self esteem for years and these issues had been coming up (basically I get clingy, anxious, aggressive, blame others etc lots of bad behaviour). Anyway, I decided I needed to get my head together and we talked about having some space while this was going on. That was last night. This morning when I woke up, I decided I didn't want space and told him that. He replied that he DID want the space. This is where I hammered that last nail in. I kept fighting with him, saying it wasn't necessary etc. We then broke up for good instead of just a break. Now I'm pretty devastated, kicking myself for my stupid actions, and crying. However I do know that there is no point calling or trying to get him back because I DO need to work on myself alone. But I am still a bit sad, and scared, and unsure of what I'm supposed to do now??
Silvaria Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Aww...I'm really sorry to hear that. The morning my ex broke up with me, one month and two days ago, at first he had just wanted a "break"...but like you, I got overly clingy and anxious, and fighting with him until he finally broke up with me instead of just taking a break. As for what to do now...well, that's different for everyone. You probably want to examine WHY you're being clingy, anxious, and blaming others...for myself, I'm going through a very low point in life, which is why I became excessively clingy. I'm slowly trying to pull myself out of this rut, because even if I don't get him back, this is not a fun place to be. Let yourself cry and grieve and be sad...bottling it up won't help. Get support from friends, family, and forums like this...you're not at all alone in what you're going through. Take it one day at a time...that's really all any of us can do. Please keep posting, let us know how you're doing. Sharing helps us all, to some degree.
lightning Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Oh Oxo! I totally understand... It's so hard. It's like you know things aren't right but you walk around on eggshells because you don't want to raise an issue and it spirals out of control into breaking up like it has before so you just tip toe around. Then something happens(an event) and you bring it up and plant a seed about 'it not working', 'having a break' and they run with it and you feel the more and moe you try and undo what you've said the bigger the hole you dig and you become desperate and like you should be grateful for them to love you! I'm in the same situation and don't really know the answer. Mine happened 3 weeks ago and I've kinda been in denial and hanging around, being nice and staying friends. We've been physical and this has probably made it harder for me to accept it. I wish I'd just walked away the day he stood there and told me HE WAS NO LONGER IN NEED OF MY COMPANY!!! Not in those words but that's the bottom line. They ALWAYS come back, it could be a day, a few or months but at some point they realise and you can't wait for that day. You just have to better yourself and get to be the best person you can be. Exercising, doing courses, going away for weekends. The best revenge is living well. If they wake up to themselves before it's too late then THEY might be lucky but if not at least you've spent the time in between making yourself better for the next relationship... I've started no contact today and am going to see how I go. My 'ex' has done this about 5 times in 2 1/2 years, every time has been for a different amount of time but always the same reason. I know if we're ever going to work out he needs to address these issues and he obviously can't do it with me around. Keep us and posted!
Caradavine Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I am beginning to think that some people (I was going to say men but will be PC) are fickle and just can't handle the intensity of relationships. Lightning says it best, living well is the best revenge. I can't say much; I am still calling him (but less) and asking him to take me back since he wants to be back together. But, maybe I should give him space and not do that. I don't want to lose him for good.
brainblox Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I am beginning to think that some people (I was going to say men but will be PC) are fickle and just can't handle the intensity of relationships. It's about people not handling intensive relationships and it's not just a man thing, loads of threads from guys on here who are very clingy, insecure and emotionally vulnerable. So you don't have to be PC, just be fair !... the reason men have become emasculated is down to them hearing women make comments like yours !
Author Oxo Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Thanks for the understanding it does help to know other people are going through the same thing. It's the second day now and I've spent some time with a friend and been ok, but now that gut-wrenching feeling is back. I'm about to have Saturday night alone. My friends have other plans so I'll be at home....alone. And I'm terrified! I did pampering the other day so I can't do that. I'm broke right now so can't go out and do anything (plus I don't think it's safe to start drinking yet lol). Does anybody have any ideas? I don't want to put myself in a situation where I want to call him :-(
pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Thanks for the understanding it does help to know other people are going through the same thing. It's the second day now and I've spent some time with a friend and been ok, but now that gut-wrenching feeling is back. I'm about to have Saturday night alone. My friends have other plans so I'll be at home....alone. And I'm terrified! I did pampering the other day so I can't do that. I'm broke right now so can't go out and do anything (plus I don't think it's safe to start drinking yet lol). Does anybody have any ideas? I don't want to put myself in a situation where I want to call him :-( Would you be into going to see a movie by yourself? It's kind of fun! Rearranging furniture is a good way to feel like you're getting a fresh start, and it's quite labor intensive so you keep busy. Also, write his number on a piece of paper, and put it someplace hard to get to. Then delete it. You may still want to call him, but that extra step of having to get the number will stop you or make you think twice. I know, because I did this.
Author Oxo Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 I thought about going to a movie! It definitely could be fun. I can't do the furniture because I board in a house so I just have my room and there is only one way all my stuff fits - like Tetris haha. I deleted his number yesterday but it's been committed to memory for a long time which makes it hard. I think I would remember it after a concussion haha
lightning Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 DONT CALL HIM! Do whatever you have to avoid that! Go exercise, get daggy non romantic movies, go driving, whatever. Men are like rubber bands, the further you pull back the faster they come back. There is no set time on this but trust me, they always come back. It might be too late because by then you'll be happy with someone else. I'm only 4 weeks into break up and this has happened before, cut contact ASAP(well i know u already have) and the quicker they realise if that's what you want to either get back together or to have piece of mind. DONT CALL HIM TONIGHT!!! Call someone or read through forums and 'getting over ex's', 'getting ex's back' websites, it'll make you stronger! Stay strong you've done 2 days. He'll be wondering why you haven't rang him balling telling him you miss him and want it back.... xx
Silvaria Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Heh...well, you sound like you are still retaining your sense of humor, that is very good.
Author Oxo Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 If I didn't keep laughing at things I'd probably go insane lol And I figured out what to do! Went to the market and got a hair treatment and a sushi making kit. And some pickled chillies for the yummy taste AND endorphin release and I'm going to watch trashy tv and read a trashy book :-D
Am4Real Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Men are like rubber bands, the further you pull back the faster they come back. There is no set time on this but trust me, they always come back. It might be too late because by then you'll be happy with someone else. Dear Lightning: Your advice with regard to beginning a strict NC regime is right on. Your reference to men and a “rubber band” reaction to a break up is unfair. I believe when a break up is not premeditated as in this case, and results from a quick decision, an argument, a near event, etc, then neither party and particularly the DUMPER has thought through the decision. Whilst I will agree men are less pondering and thinkers in many situations, the "rubber band effect" as you have correctly named this behavior is not partial to either sex. What do you think?
lightning Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I'm a female and have never dumped anyone so I don't really know but I guess the rubber band thing can apply to either sex. It comes from the book Mens are from Mars, Women from Venus. From memory, the actual chapter is called Men are like rubber bands, i think. If I had been a dumper then I would be able to say if I have behaved like a rubber band but I havent so I dont know. I think in every relationship you go through push and pull stages, where one person is more into the other then it swings the other way. All depending on what's going on in your lives at the time... So I guess we can all be a rubber band. Google it... Interesting...
Am4Real Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I'm a female and have never dumped anyone so I don't really know but I guess the rubber band thing can apply to either sex. It comes from the book Mens are from Mars, Women from Venus. From memory, the actual chapter is called Men are like rubber bands, i think. If I had been a dumper then I would be able to say if I have behaved like a rubber band but I havent so I dont know. I think in every relationship you go through push and pull stages, where one person is more into the other then it swings the other way. All depending on what's going on in your lives at the time... So I guess we can all be a rubber band. Google it... Interesting... I gotch'ya, makes good sense.
Author Oxo Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 When I dumped someone several years ago, as soon as he stopped calling I was intrigued and ended up calling him. I didn't want him back though (I was seeing someone new). I am hoping that my recent ex will be back. I'm not focusing on it because I want to get myself together and strong again because nothing can happen until I know I'm ready. However I am still hoping, yesterday was the first 24 hours and it wasnt as easy as I had anticipated. I really really hope he snaps back like a rubber band in about a month
Author Oxo Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 About 5 days after our argument he called and asked me out to a movie. I suggested we have a talk about where things are at. Long story short, we decided to give it ANOTHER go (sigh lol). So from then until last night, things were going ok, I was being more relaxed and he was communicating more. Bit of a back story - theres an old male friend of mine (call him C) who I hadn't spoken to since my boyf and I got back together. It was my decision to do so because things had happened with me and C in the past, and things were weird. I also thought my boyf would be happier if C wasn't around. Ok, so back to the day of the breakup - when I got home, I called C. I was freaking out, and everyone else was at work. I'd also read an article earlier in the morning that suggested after a breakup, go and do something you wouldn't do while in the relationship. So because I was trying to be all tough about things, I decided that calling C would be that "thing". So anyway, we spoke for an hour - I mainly cried - and then that was it. No plans to see him and decided I did not want C as a friend anyway. I didn't tell my boyf I spoke to him because I thought he'd get upset, so last night (after a bottle of wine, me crying and yelling because I haven't had a drink for a while, forgot how quick wine gets you there) I told him I had spoken to C. He seemed ok with it ...until I called this afternoon before he went to work. So now we're back to him deciding if he wants this relationship with me. He said he might call me later depending on how he was feeling about the situation. Well it's past 10pm and no call. I'm bracing myself for a dumping tomorrow. I hope he doesn't because I didn't do anything terrible, but it's how I handle every breakup and he hates that I go running to male friends for help. And I understand why it upsets him, but it was different this time. He doesn't see that and I am terrified that this is that final straw for him. I don't know what to do, I don't know if there's anything I CAN do Sorry for the rambling, writing it down helps me to slow down the anxiety and obsessing.
Woggle Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I am sorry about what happened but a word of advice to you and other women is never mention space or a seperation to a man unless you truly do mean it. He is probably is just sick of the drama. Men don't like drama and when a relationship starts to have too much of it some just decide to cut our losses and move on.
Sheppy99 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Yup Woggle nailed it. You guys are back for what a day or 2 and already you're hitting him with more drama and things that are making him feel like crap? You two were already walking on glass just getting back together so any wrong step is going to send either of you running for the hills. Of course he seemed ok with it in person. I'm the same way. Some people just don't like blowing up in person and having an all out fight. So they ignore it and deal with it on their own time and will come and talk to you about it when they are ready. Obviously it really did bother him that the first thing you did when you broke up was run to this other guy he doesn't care for. That would bother anybody. You need to cut the emotional unstable act with him and get your stuff together. If that means you taking a long time to fix your own issues than so be it but if you keep getting back together with him broken, you're just going to push him away for good. As people have said before when you first get back together with an ex after a break up, it's like a brand new relationship. Would you bawl cry and tell drama related things to a new person you're dating for only a week? God no, they'd be running away as fast as they could. If you are incapable of being strong and being put together when you give it another chance, than you need MORE time to work on yourself. Can't stress that enough.
Author Oxo Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Ok, so I should have lied to him? I believe in being honest and if I hadn't told him, he wouldve found out later and it wouldve been a lot worse. In the days after we broke up, I was fine. In the days that we got back together I was fine. I had several drinks with my friends and yes I screwed up by getting over-emotional. I am aware of that and have always admitted my faults. I was asking if there was something I can do to help things, not be told all the things I did wrong because I'm well aware of them. Hence why I'm here.
Woggle Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Realize what you did wrong and sincerely make an effort not to do it again. This is how you can help things.
Sheppy99 Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Ok, so I should have lied to him? I believe in being honest and if I hadn't told him, he wouldve found out later and it wouldve been a lot worse. In the days after we broke up, I was fine. In the days that we got back together I was fine. I had several drinks with my friends and yes I screwed up by getting over-emotional. I am aware of that and have always admitted my faults. I was asking if there was something I can do to help things, not be told all the things I did wrong because I'm well aware of them. Hence why I'm here. Well first thing you can do is at all times around him remain calm cool and collected. I know the drinking had a lot to do with it but you bawling talking to him about talking to another guy makes it look way worse. It makes him think there was more to it if you're this upset about it. Obviously we know you were only upset because you knew he was going to be upset by it. Thing is if my gf came to me calm and cool and said "yea, I was really upset after our break up and ended up talking to blah blah blah, but it didn't mean nothing. I was a mess and was willing to talk to anybody who would listen" If you say it calm and collected, he's more prone to think meh not a big deal. If you come at him all crying, he's going to think it was a bigger deal than it really was and that maybe some of your feelings are for this guy. That's how it would make me feel anyways. I would write him an email saying you were extremely emotional when you guys broke up and were willing to talk to anybody who would be willing to listen, in your state of mind you didn't have enough sense to realize talking to him wasn't the greatest idea. Looking back on it now, you realize it was a mistake but because this guy means nothing to you, you didn't consider it as big of a deal at the time but understand how it could upset your current bf. I would than explain your emotional outburst being mainly do to drinking and being upset cause you were afraid of how upset it was going to make him and that's all it was. If my ex that i got back together with me came at me bawling saying she hung out with this guy I didn't like when we were broken up, I'd think the worst automatically and be like woah did you sleep with him or something? If she came at me calm cool and collected and was like yea we hung around, wasn't a big deal. Nothing happened at all. I'd be still a lil upset but I'd be like fair enough. I honestly think that's more why he's freaked out right now. He may be tying your over emotional state to some emotions for this guy. So make all those points clear to him in your own words and come across that you've gathered yourself. That's what I'm taking from the situation anyways if I was in your ex's shoes.
Author Oxo Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Sorry - I have not explained things well. When I told him about talking to C, there were no tears, no dramatics, I told him calmly and apologised for the reasons behind doing it. The crying and yelling was a few hours earlier because I was upset over an emotional conversation (and being drunk, it was OVER emotional) I was having with a friend. When I was talking to my boyfriend about it, I got very irrational and upset when I didn't feel that he understood me (which he probably COULDN'T understand me because I was pretty blind ) So yeah, they were two separate events.
2sunny Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 a break and breakup are one in the same... one is just meant to deceive you more. he didn't want to be with you for now. he probably has someone else he wants to check into for a while and see how it goes. you should get busy doing the same thing. telling him your private info with the other male is inappropriate and selfish... it was designed to try to make him jealous... nothing good comes from jealousy. try not to be in contact with him. make him beg IF he ever asks to see you. don't be so available even if he calls.
Sheppy99 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Sorry - I have not explained things well. When I told him about talking to C, there were no tears, no dramatics, I told him calmly and apologised for the reasons behind doing it. The crying and yelling was a few hours earlier because I was upset over an emotional conversation (and being drunk, it was OVER emotional) I was having with a friend. When I was talking to my boyfriend about it, I got very irrational and upset when I didn't feel that he understood me (which he probably COULDN'T understand me because I was pretty blind ) So yeah, they were two separate events. At this point I mean he's probably looking at the relationship as just a continuous dramafest so to speak. I mean it's no good for either of you if you can't get back together without rehashing old problems and getting emotional and yelling at each other. I think you two should take time apart to heal cause you're just going to continue to go at each other every time you get back together. I think he's realized that as well. Try to truly move on from the issues and when you are past them, than at that point you'll be prepared to give it another try. If not you guys will just continue to lose faith in each other that it could ever be anything other than fighting and screaming.
cb9343 Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Oh Oxo! I totally understand... It's so hard. It's like you know things aren't right but you walk around on eggshells because you don't want to raise an issue and it spirals out of control into breaking up like it has before so you just tip toe around. Then something happens(an event) and you bring it up and plant a seed about 'it not working', 'having a break' and they run with it and you feel the more and moe you try and undo what you've said the bigger the hole you dig and you become desperate and like you should be grateful for them to love you! I'm in the same situation and don't really know the answer. Mine happened 3 weeks ago and I've kinda been in denial and hanging around, being nice and staying friends. We've been physical and this has probably made it harder for me to accept it. I wish I'd just walked away the day he stood there and told me HE WAS NO LONGER IN NEED OF MY COMPANY!!! Not in those words but that's the bottom line. going through the same thing he has broken up with me twice and my son is involved.. i get a little needed casue he pulls away when something big happens. then he breaks up with me.. i am so hurt right now i feel so empty but i want this stage over i want him to know there is two people and i am not just the needy one he needs to understand i am scared he is leaving me for 6 moths to go to bootcamp.. just so angry cause we are so perfect together and then i get scared and he runs.. i just need to start healing.. DO you have advice.. They ALWAYS come back, it could be a day, a few or months but at some point they realise and you can't wait for that day. You just have to better yourself and get to be the best person you can be. Exercising, doing courses, going away for weekends. The best revenge is living well. If they wake up to themselves before it's too late then THEY might be lucky but if not at least you've spent the time in between making yourself better for the next relationship... I've started no contact today and am going to see how I go. My 'ex' has done this about 5 times in 2 1/2 years, every time has been for a different amount of time but always the same reason. I know if we're ever going to work out he needs to address these issues and he obviously can't do it with me around. Keep us and posted! I am just ready to be at a strong point for myself and my son.. i dont want this pain anymore its not fair to me.
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