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Getting extremely upset with girlfriends co worker!!!

firedup

By firedup
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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firedup New Member

firedup

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My girlfriend of just over three years has been mentioning things about a male co-worker of hers. For about six months, he has been getting progressively worse.

 

They both started working for their company at around the same time. He's married.

 

First, he just kind of made small talk with her. I'm fine with that. However, a few weeks later, she was talking with him in his office when another co worker walked by and asked "what's going on in here?" in a naughty, funny way. Then, he started asking for her help on a lot of projects ... it's almost as if he's completely helpless.

 

After that, he started doing other strange things like parking in the spot right next to hers in the companies parking garage. Recently, he's started staring at her at meetings and while working together.

 

I completely trust her ... she's told me everything he has done. It's just him I'm really beginning to hate. I met him once at a company dinner, and he kinda seemed off, as if my being there was interrupting something. Am I just jumping to conclusions, or is their something going on? If there is, what should I do? What should I say to her? Should I find a way to confront him?

mark982 Established Member

mark982

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letting his wife know, probable do the trick.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Don't interfere. This is between your g/f and her coworker. It's 100% her responsibility to peel him back.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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Don't interfere. This is between your g/f and her coworker. It's 100% her responsibility to peel him back.

 

Unless she is expecting him to fight for her... as many women do.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Unless she is expecting him to fight for her... as many women do.
He's a coworker who hasn't crossed the line into sexual harassment. If it becomes sexual harassment, it's still her responsibility to go to her employer.

 

It's one thing to expect her guy to protect her while walking down a dark street and another, to expect her guy to protect her from pretty much "nothing" at work.

 

Tell her to nut up and handle it.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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He's a coworker who hasn't crossed the line into sexual harassment. If it becomes sexual harassment, it's still her responsibility to go to her employer.

It's one thing to expect her guy to protect her while walking down a dark street and another, to expect her guy to protect her from pretty much "nothing" at work.

Tell her to nut up and handle it.

 

If she didn't enjoy the extra attention she would have already done this.

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firedup New Member

firedup

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He's a coworker who hasn't crossed the line into sexual harassment. If it becomes sexual harassment, it's still her responsibility to go to her employer.

 

It's one thing to expect her guy to protect her while walking down a dark street and another, to expect her guy to protect her from pretty much "nothing" at work.

 

Tell her to nut up and handle it.

 

Okay, so I talked to my girlfriend about it. One problem still remains ... How should she confront him about this? She's told me before that she wants to, but neither of us really know how. HR isn't possible, because his actions are not clearly constituted as "sexual harassment" . The only real thing she can do is talk to him ... what should see say?

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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As 3bf said, the line hasn't been crossed yet. There is no law against staring, asking for help, parking in a certain place, being annoying, or acting weird at a company dinner.

 

When/if he does cross the line, she should nip it in the bud, there and then. She shouldn't let it go, discuss it with you and talk to him the next day. If he does something wrong she should put him right immediately.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Double post removed.

Fouts Established Member

Fouts

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If she didn't enjoy the extra attention she would have already done this.

 

Ditto.

 

Sorry firedup, your g/f is ok with it or she would've already addressed the situation with a supervisor, or the appropriate liason at work.

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

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You should not confront him.

 

1) She needs to tell him to back off because he is crossing a line professionally.

 

2) She then needs to give him 1 week to back off.

 

3) If he doesn't back off after that week grace she MUST go to HR and file a complaint.

 

It's really that easy.

 

Good luck.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Okay, so I talked to my girlfriend about it. One problem still remains ... How should she confront him about this? She's told me before that she wants to, but neither of us really know how. HR isn't possible, because his actions are not clearly constituted as "sexual harassment" . The only real thing she can do is talk to him ... what should see say?
Has she never had a man crushing on her that she's not interested in? Has she never given any guy the "friend" speech?

 

Since it's at work, keep the discussion civil and professional. If he's asking for her help all the time, it's time for her to focus on her own work and be too busy to help him unless he's her boss.

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firedup New Member

firedup

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Ditto.

 

Sorry firedup, your g/f is ok with it or she would've already addressed the situation with a supervisor, or the appropriate liason at work.

 

I really don't think she likes it. She's always been the kinda person who wants to make it far in her profession, and doesn't want to be known as the girl who ruined a mans career. She's also afraid that it might affect her job as well ... The guy doing this is really well known throughout the company. She's talked to some of her female peers about the situation, and they really don't see him as being much of a threat. In fact, most of them have told her that she would be considered the liability in the situation. Some have even told her that she could lose her job if she opens her mouth. I told her that she could fight it if she lost her job for that, but she said it's happened before in her company. Her HR department will just find another excuse for letting her go.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this ...

 

When it comes down to it, should I take his actions as being innocent or should I feel threatened?

 

Is it bad enough to where I should ask her to find another job?

 

Thanks

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firedup New Member

firedup

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Has she never had a man crushing on her that she's not interested in? Has she never given any guy the "friend" speech?

 

Since it's at work, keep the discussion civil and professional. If he's asking for her help all the time, it's time for her to focus on her own work and be too busy to help him unless he's her boss.

 

She's never given any guy that speech, well, not as long as she and I have been together. We both live very boring lives and both take our jobs extremely seriously. Other than work, we really only talk to each other. She lives an hour and a half away, but we talk as much as we would as if we lived together. She has very few friends, and most of them are from work. Outside of her profession, she may have two or three friends and all are female.

 

As far as him being her boss, it's close. Her boss is a female, and she lends her out when work is slow. When work is slow, for some reason, he always finds her working for him. So yes, for the times that she works with him, I guess I would consider him to be her boss.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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She's never given any guy that speech, well, not as long as she and I have been together. We both live very boring lives and both take our jobs extremely seriously. Other than work, we really only talk to each other. She lives an hour and a half away, but we talk as much as we would as if we lived together. She has very few friends, and most of them are from work. Outside of her profession, she may have two or three friends and all are female.

 

As far as him being her boss, it's close. Her boss is a female, and she lends her out when work is slow. When work is slow, for some reason, he always finds her working for him. So yes, for the times that she works with him, I guess I would consider him to be her boss.

Well, I'm guessing she had a life before she met you, right? :p

 

Most women have had to reject at least one guy if not many guys. At work it begins with being too busy to help and blatantly avoiding him, not making eye contact and when he tries to do friendly chit-chat, monosyllabic responses. If he tries to flirt, he gets the frozen wasteland.

Kelly0900 New Member

Kelly0900

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I'm glad for you that you have a girlfriend that you can trust, at least she is being perfectly honest with you and from what I've seen she seems to be completely trustworthy so I would give it the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you should speak to her to tell her Co-worker to back off and stop the staring. If he is oblivious to what she has to say, then she could say, well it seems like you were staring to me..

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firedup New Member

firedup

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Well, I'm guessing she had a life before she met you, right? :p

 

Most women have had to reject at least one guy if not many guys. At work it begins with being too busy to help and blatantly avoiding him, not making eye contact and when he tries to do friendly chit-chat, monosyllabic responses. If he tries to flirt, he gets the frozen wasteland.

 

I'm glad for you that you have a girlfriend that you can trust, at least she is being perfectly honest with you and from what I've seen she seems to be completely trustworthy so I would give it the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you should speak to her to tell her Co-worker to back off and stop the staring. If he is oblivious to what she has to say, then she could say, well it seems like you were staring to me..

 

Both great answers, and yes, she definitely had a life before she met me, well kinda. I'll talk to her tonight and see what we can come up with. Thanks for the help ... I definitely needed it. I feel a million times better about the situation.

MichiganMan222 Established Member

MichiganMan222

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Chronic leering at meetings IS sexual harassment and she could report it. He'd probably get warned and it would be over with (most likely). But that could create an uncomfortable and awkward situation at work for her so don't fault her for being reluctant to rat him out to the higher-ups. Best thing for her to do is confront him herself with maybe comments about how its creating friction between you and her. She really could step-up and tell him about how into you she is. No greater turn off to a hyena testing the waters then to hear about the SO.

 

Keep in mind tho, sometimes its not so much the attention by him that's appealing to her as it is the jealousy by you it seems to illicit. I wouldn't disappoint her or she might let it escalate. Show concern or you're sending a bad signal that you don't care.

Edited by MichiganMan222
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firedup New Member

firedup

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Chronic leering at meetings IS sexual harassment and she could report it. He'd probably get warned and it would be over with (most likely). But that could create an uncomfortable and awkward situation at work for her so don't fault her for being reluctant to rat him out to the higher-ups. Best thing for her to do is confront him herself with maybe comments about how its creating friction between you and her. She really could step-up and tell him about how into you she is. No greater turn off to a hyena testing the waters then to hear about the SO.

 

Keep in mind tho, sometimes its not so much the attention by him that's appealing to her as it is the jealousy by you it seems to illicit. I wouldn't disappoint her or she might let it escalate. Show concern or you're sending a bad signal that you don't care.

 

That's for that great advice. I didn't think I was anywhere near appropriate to stare at a member of the opposite sex. In fact, I remember very specifically, various meetings being held in the military. They would tell us that, generally speaking, any act of making someone uncomfortable is sexual harassment. They also told us that staring at a person of the opposite sex for more than six seconds, I believe, is considered to be sexual harassment.

 

I just wanted to make sure that those rules also applied in the real world. I just got done talking to her, and she said she would definitely confront him if this happens again. I wouldn't mind her doing it asap, but I guess it would be better to catch him red handed.

 

Awesome advice, MM222. Thanks a ton

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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I really don't think she likes it. She's always been the kinda person who wants to make it far in her profession, and doesn't want to be known as the girl who ruined a mans career. She's also afraid that it might affect her job as well ... The guy doing this is really well known throughout the company. She's talked to some of her female peers about the situation, and they really don't see him as being much of a threat. In fact, most of them have told her that she would be considered the liability in the situation. Some have even told her that she could lose her job if she opens her mouth. I told her that she could fight it if she lost her job for that, but she said it's happened before in her company. Her HR department will just find another excuse for letting her go.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this ...

When it comes down to it, should I take his actions as being innocent or should I feel threatened?

Is it bad enough to where I should ask her to find another job?

Thanks

 

That doesn't sound like the truth to me.

 

I just heard that same story 2 years ago... almost verbatim. 1 year later I find she is staying in hotels with the guy. The most career oriented woman I knew tossed it to mess around with a guy at work.

 

All I hear from your GF is delay, delay, delay.

 

But of course YOUR situation is different... so I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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When it comes down to it, should I take his actions as being innocent or should I feel threatened?

 

Honestly, I don't see anything inherently weird about his behavior - at all. He's just a dude. A dude like many she's going to have to work with and deal with during her career. And he sounds like almost every dude I have ever worked with.

 

Is it bad enough to where I should ask her to find another job?

 

Straight up, NO. Let her handle it if it makes HER uncomfortable.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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Go to the company senior HR staff with your woman and file a formal sexual harassment complaint about this guy and try to get him fired. Make it very clear you are mad as hell and will sue the company if they don't can him.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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Honestly, I don't see anything inherently weird about his behavior - at all. He's just a dude. A dude like many she's going to have to work with and deal with during her career. And he sounds like almost every dude I have ever worked with.

 

So what? Have you considered his feelings at all? If a man is persistently flirting with your woman despite knowing she's attached, he either cuts it out after being warned, or he carries on and gets his face filled in. Letting it go on is something only a man with no self-respect would put up with. A man's self respect is not something you, as a woman, have any right to interfere with, let alone dismiss.

phineas Established Member

phineas

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So what? Have you considered his feelings at all? If a man is persistently flirting with your woman despite knowing she's attached, he either cuts it out after being warned, or he carries on and gets his face filled in. Letting it go on is something only a man with no self-respect would put up with. A man's self respect is not something you, as a woman, have any right to interfere with, let alone dismiss.

 

Except, if she really did shut him down do you honestly expect him to keep doing it?

In today's work environment?

Really?

 

where I work, if a woman shuts down a co-worker, they stay shut down or get reported to a superior for being a creep that won't leave the women at work alone.

 

I've seen it a dozen times & those guys don't last long.

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firedup New Member

firedup

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That doesn't sound like the truth to me.

 

I just heard that same story 2 years ago... almost verbatim. 1 year later I find she is staying in hotels with the guy. The most career oriented woman I knew tossed it to mess around with a guy at work.

 

All I hear from your GF is delay, delay, delay.

 

But of course YOUR situation is different... so I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

 

How long were you and her going out? She really did that to you ... with a co worker?

 

I've been talking to my girl. For what that dumbass has been doing, and for multiple other reasons, we've started looking for another job for her.

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