Mollyanna Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Something has been bothering me lately. I hope someone can help me. First of all, about me... I am no beauty queen, but I have attractive qualities and I get hit on quite a bit. On all of my dates and my relationships, what I remember most is how much we laugh together so I must not be too boring. I am a very sexual person and quite affectionate. I have manners and dress like a woman. The problem... Almost all of my relationships that have ended quickly have all been for the same reason - they say that I am a great friend and a blast to hang out with - but they just don't feel anything more for me than just a friend. And they truly mean it! I am very good friends with a couple of them to this day! I have asked them what it was and they couldn't or wouldn't penpoint it. They say they look at me like "one of the guys". Or they don't feel that spark or they love me but they aren't "in love" with me. Can anyone provide any guidance? I am on a "break" with a guy who says he just isn't emotionally ready to like anyone in that way. He says right now he doesn't want to like anyone and doesn't want anyone to like him. (Still recovering from a really bad divorce.) But what I am afraid of is this - maybe he just doesn't feel those feelings toward me either. Yesterday and today we hung out as friends and had a great time. I am scared that maybe that is all he sees in me - regardless of how shutoff he is emotionally right now. Link to post Share on other sites
C.Celine.C Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 A lot of women act different then you. They might be stuck up or prissy and no matter how much it bugs us, guys seem to go for it. So your cool like guys. Its ok someday someone will especially love you for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 So do you think i should be prissy and be all worried about broken fingernails or chipped polish and how my hair looks? Maybe I should carry a compact around all the time and apply lipstick every 5 minutes? Maybe I should gossip and talk in a sweet little voice and giggle and make fun of everyone around me. What is wrong with you guys? Why do you go for all that stuff? Why can't I keep my natural haircolor and not fakebake or damage my real nails by getting those fake ones put on? Another thought, I have actually noticed that sometimes when I act a little airheaded or helpless - the guys LOVE that too. I don't get it! Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 'High maintenance' is a headache but there does seems to be something that makes the unattainable more desirable, it's human nature - what we don't have, we want. What we don't fully understand, fascinates, what's just out of reach attracts. Being 'one of the guys' men think they've got your number down and stop wondering. I'm like you, I was bought up with brothers and am a 'guys-girl', one of my brothers said to me once that I just had to let my 'feminine side' get an airing too. Not do a 'ooh, I just broke my nail.. pleeese HELP ME!!!' act, but allow men to see you can be vulnerable on occasions. Because you're right, men do love helping out, so why not let them? It makes them feel good about themselves - and you. They WANT to do stuff for you and though it may impress them when the car breaks down you pop the hood saying, 'No worries, you just sit there hon, I didn't do 12 years of car maintenance for nothin'', it denies them the chance of doing what they love - fix things - just look at it that you're giving them the double whammy, allowing them to fix things for a woman they fancy. So I guess it's a balance; letting both sides of your personality shine through - we all have vulnerabilities, we all have a 'girlie side'. My current fella loves that we can talk and have those laughs - you know those deep belly laughs you usually only have when you're half drunk and in the company of buddies you've known since you were five? So in the end it really doesn't matter, be yourself, someone will come along and see the potential 'good friend' AND 'lover'. He's on his way. Hey maybe he's late because his car broke down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Hey, don't ever put on an act that denies your personality or makes you feel like an idiot. But maybe you could use your sexuality and creativity to put on an act of a highly desired woman. Relationships are about each person providing the other with what is desired. It's a good thing if you can find out what your partner (or hoped-for partner) wants and then give it to him, as long as the price tag for you is reasonable. I wouldn't assume what men want, I would find out. You can test market your different approaches. Belly laughs are great, but if a guy can interact with you EXACTLY the same way he does with his buddies, then why would he need you? OK, for sex. I have found that men really like being LISTENED to generously by a woman. They like the part where you sympathize and say "poor baby" and then cuddle them. (If a man is reading this and wouldn't like some private sympathy for his troubles from an attractive woman, please do post!) They also like to be loved and adored for being manly. Even if it's a stretch! They like eye contact and smiles just for them. They like women laughing at their jokes instead of telling their own all the time. By the way, I don't have fake nails or lipstick or funny giggles, and I can evoke that love response. Do keep in mind that men are all individuals. (Although it often does seem that they're just a big school of paramecia responding to basic stimuli.) You sound like quite a catch for some lucky guy. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 i know someone who's similarly like that. she says she grew up with lots of guy friends and lots of those guy stuff rubbed off on her as a result. such as she doesnt like to take forever to shop, while her friends take forever, so she shops alone. but she still has lots of great feminine attributes plus she's hot. but i still dont understand why her bf would break up w/her, now she has to move out of his apartment and such. i dont know what's wrong with me, there's also something im doing wrong with girls. im all masculine. they may have a high interest level when they meet me at first, but then i do something wrong to kick it down. maybe i hang out around them too much?? i am sorta tryin to improve my social life and meet chicks along the way, by chilling with them. but i guess cause of that it backfires. and it's normal for girls to not or rarely have any guy friends. it's also possible i reveal too much of myself and not remain a mystery sometimes. maybe the problem is that they dont see me as sexy and already categorize me into the friends category. dont get me wrong im handsome...but hey, physical appearance can only get you so far....the rest you have to do yourself hm...how about a change in fashion?? i might try that and maybe you should too, just get a whole new look Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 (Although it often does seem that they're just a big school of paramecia responding to basic stimuli.) That pretty much sums up my feelings right there. Well said! Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Originally posted by Mollyanna Maybe I should gossip and talk in a sweet little voice and giggle and make fun of everyone around me. No. But do what you feel comfortable with to make yourself as pretty and feminine looking as you want. Another thought, I have actually noticed that sometimes when I act a little airheaded or helpless - the guys LOVE that too. I don't get it! Most quality guys don't like girls that act like that for more than a few "fun" dates. They like to be able to "help" girls from time to time, to boost their ego a little by feeling like they have skills that are useful. But they still want a girl who can take care of themselves without help if it's not there. And guys definitely don't want airheads...I've dated a few and got tired of them very quickly. I had a friend in college who married a girl that we all thought of as "one of the guys." She definitely wasn't as pretty as most of the other girls that he had dated, or someone that I personally would be attracted to, but he wanted her personality more than her looks. Like someone else already said here, you will definitely eventually meet a guy who really appreciates your qualities. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 the feminine thing w/girls is partially true. i just thought of another friend that i have also female. to me....she's ok looking and not attractive. she dresses like a girl. she's outgoing, outspoken, and a fun person to hang with. but the truth is, i just dont find her physically attractive, nor attractive in general. you could say i dont consider her feminine enough. i dont know...just like your friends said it's also unexplainable....either you're attractive to someone or you're not, it's just that simple, but i'd say your personality, attitude and physical appearance plays a major factor. she's tried to be more feminine by making her hair look nicer and wearing sexier clothing....but i still see her in the same light, and it's just not her so ...thats it. my friend knows that there's something she's doing wrong that isnt making guys flock to her, but she doesnt know what...well maybe she does, but tries her hardest to fix it. she said that in the past i called her a man cause she acted like one...well she always hits guys...(she doesnt anymore) and i honestly didnt remember saying that. but i probably did. well stuff like that you will always remember subconsciously about that person. you will meet someone that appreciates you for your qualities no worries. but let me tell you one thing to be aware of....first impressions define who you are to a person. after that 1st impression, that person's gonna be viewing you in the same light, and consider you that type of person....no matter how hard you try to change their perspective on you...it will stilll be hard to. that's why i say always try to make your first impression the finest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 I don't think there is anything wrong with my first impression to guys. I can't remember if I said so or not, but I am not ugly. I have long beautiful red hair and pretty bright blue eyes. I wear makeup and I dress nice when I go out. I am 31 but I get carded EVERYWHERE I go. I get approached by men a lot actually. Believe me, I am not stuck up so please don't fault me for saying nice things about myself. It has actually taken me a long long while to be able to see things in myself that I like. It is only after about a month or two that the guy stops being so affectionate and starts acting like I am one of his buddies. I don't understand - I guess it must be something in my attitude. I am very laid back and laugh quickly at just about everything. Maybe when they belch I should get angry and start yacking at them. Typically I just laugh and say "oh man, can't you do better than that?" Or "you pig!" Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 whoa, long red hair & blue eyes sounds gorgeous i have a feeling i know what it is about you that makes them feel that way after a few months, but i'm not sure how to explain it. it's something like - ... they get too comfortable with you, they stop feeling they have to chase, to win you over, all the time. my advice is to get the book called "Why Men Love Bitches" - i have a feeling that's exactly what you need: a bit more bitchiness. best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Getting that book is now on the top of my "To Do" list! Payday is this coming Friday, though I might be able to get it as early as Tuesday if my income tax refund shows up in my mailbox (it was mailed out this past Friday) Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 i found that it was a very worthy read. it's simplistic and sometimes silly, but priceless for gals who tend to be too nice or too casual. i read it nightly for about a month, and often think back to it when dealing w/ guys -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Oh thank god you have some help for me. I am going to find a bookstore here tomorrow and see if I can find it. Although I am not sure I like the idea that I have to become a bitch... Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 bitch = Being In Total Control Of Herself Think of it that way and you may like it a lot more than you can possibly imagine! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 it's not rlly abt being a bitch, don't worry. let us know if u manage to find the book! it's an easy read, btw. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Speaking of books - I am reading one right now called, The Heart of the Soul - Emotional Awareness. Here was something interesting that I thought might help everyone: Romantic attraction is the experience of locating a savior. The attraction is to the capability that the individual has to solve your problems, eliminate your inner struggles, and bring you to a new level of comfort. The breakdown of romantic attraction - the end of the honeymoon - begins when the savior cannot deliver. Each begins to see in the other characteristics that were not visible previously, such as quick temper, melancholy inclination, fear of expression, insensitivities, and vulnerabilities. As they become visible, the illusion of salvation in the form of another individual begins to unravel. The more it unravels, the more the discomforts that occupied your attention BEFORE the romantic attraction - they reappear. They will continue to be there until you address them. The Search for Salvation takes your attention away from what you feel and and only temporarily replaces the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 i think locating a savior is only one of the ways people connect romantically. there's also the other side - seeking somebody who needs to be helped. as well as many other options. my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 i think maybe the problem is that you reveal too much about yourself in the beginning?? guys wont find you a mystery or challenge, and already know all there is to know. the problem is when you reveal too much, it's slowly turning into a friend relationship...when you talk about everything. if you do it slowly and have a busy life going on it should be no problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Monkey: I think maybe you just hit the nail on the head! That scares me now though. Does that mean it is too late in my current relationship/nonrelationship? We are taking some time apart but he already knows sooo much about me. The keeping busy part intrigues me though and kinda goes along with what I have been thinking about for the past hour. I just got back from the hotel gym. (yes, I workout at weird hours on the road. It is 2 AM here...) While on the treadmill, I kinda came up with this plan of attack. I am going to try and give myself 3 months. 3 months to REALLY REALLY get in shape - I am not talking just skinny but Jennifer Garner buff. (3 months might not be enough for that but it is a dream...) 3 months to stay out of the bars. 3 months to not go on any dates. 3 months to just work on myself - start writing again, learn the guitar that I have had for 2 years and only know 3 chords, 3 months to do more reading about clinical depression (which I have), 3 months to go out with friends in non-drinking related activities. (may have to get some additional new friends for that). 3 months to get a better outlook on life and stop obsessing over guys, and marriage, and babys. I am not saying I am doing just for myself. I would be lying if I didn't say I will LOVE to see the look on his face at the yearly Memorial Day party our mutual friends always have. Who am I kidding? I won't be able to stay away from him for 2 weeks, let alone 3 months... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Belly laughs are great, but if a guy can interact with you EXACTLY the same way he does with his buddies, then why would he need you? SoleMate: I have been thinking about this statement you said a whole lot. When he broke up with me, he said he just didn't feel like it was going to turn into love. He said that was because he didn't have his heart to give to anyone right now, because he is still too hurt over the divorce. He said he looks at me like he does Ted (his best friend). Today I turn on the TV and I see they are advertising Monster House. I stop the clicker and listen. 2 months ago, I NEVER would have had an interest in that show! But when with my guy, he was always watching those manly shows - Monster House, Monster Garage, Orange County Choppers, and Myth Busters. And I started watching them with him because it was something he enjoyed and I wanted to join in. He loved explaining that mechanical stuff to me, I thought. But now I see that just made me like his friend Ted! Why WOULD he need me? He has Ted and many many other friends to do that kind of stuff with! We did have a very active sex life though - but maybe that just wasn't enough for him... Thanks for bringing that up. I am gonna remember that when I see him now... Maybe that is why he is so amused with me when I am drunk. Then I am silly and goofy and a little airheaded... Friday I was hopping around the living room in a sleeping bag at 5 AM trying to get him to have a sack race with me... Link to post Share on other sites
ihatehim Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Are you wearing RIGHTGUARD or LADYSPEEDSTICK.. ???? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 oh you are funny.... Believe me, I am feminine. I won't leave the house without makeup, perfume, nice clothes on - unless it is 2 AM and I am headed to taco bell. Even then I still try to do something with my hair. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 24, 2004 Share Posted February 24, 2004 Mollyana: whoa there! i said keep busy and have a life going. if you feel like decreasing your social life will get your priorities straight, go ahead....do whatever feels right as long as you succeed in life. usually when you first meet someone, it's best to define the relationship. if you drag it on too long, the relationship becomes a friendship. it's possible to form a relationship out of friendship, but who konws how long that will take, or never too! there are times like you, where i get sick of being alone. but same as you, i do something that places me in the friendship category. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted February 24, 2004 Author Share Posted February 24, 2004 Monkey: I was talking to him tonight for 2 1/2 hours. I told him about my plan to work on myself - that I didn't think it would work for us to get back together now either because I have realized how many things about myself that I just don't like and I want to change. As I was telling him this master plan that I came up with in the wee hours of the night.. i laughed my head off. Yeah, right! I will never be able to stay away from my crew at the bar. We are like Cheers there. Almost every single one of my friends frequents that bar. I can't stay away from it! But what I have decided to do is only go the alternate weekends that he has his kids. That way, he doesn't hang out with me there as a friend and I don't become one of the guys. If he wants to get together with me, it will have to be us making plans during the week together. I wrote earlier about the statement he made when he broke up with me - He said he looks at me like he does Ted (his best friend). I told him tonight that has been echoing in my head since then and it has really hurt me in many different ways. Before I even got to explain he said he didn't phrase that right - that he doesn't mean it in a bad way - just that he is emotionally shutdown right now and can't think of anyone as other than a friend, but that he values me like one of his best friends. I asked him a million questions tonight - like this one that I posted - why am I thought of as one of the guys? he said it was because we have the same humor and it is easy to be with me - there isn't a lot of work involved - not like most women. So I guess I need to be more complicated?? He did say he is still physically attracted to me just not emotionally but that doesn't mean that couldn't change once he sorts out his problems. He said that is one reason why he is still talking to me. He is still interested in the possibility that we could be together in the future. We both agreed to take this time now to work on our problems, but we also need the space to do it. We are going to get together every month or so and enjoy each others company and in the meantime we will email and talk on the phone but not as frequently. (We broke up exactly one week ago today and still haven't spent one day not talking for hours and emailing all day.) I also think that as I get more and more in shape, it will be a nice surprise for him every month to see the drastic changes in me. Well, speaking of which, I am hitting the hotel gym again so I better go. One last thought though - funny that after we talked about giving all the space, he asks me suddenly - so WHEN are coming back to town? And then he asks my plans for the weekend... He didn't go beyond that and ask me to do anything so I wonder - why ask? What was that about???? Link to post Share on other sites
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