Trying too hard to understand this

[charliecharlie]

Here's the deal:

I met this guy a year ago when I wasn't fully ready for a relationship. He came on very strong and I started getting feelings for him. He was all over me, into my family after 1 month etc. It was too much for me at the time and I started to make him clear that I needed space. He told me he understood but he actually didn't, he paniced, started manipulating me by crying and doing extra sweet things. But the fact was, it was going too fast for me. On the other hand, I didn't want to loose him, he was a good guy, just a little too childish emotion-wise. With that behaviour he was actually pushing me away. He started checking my facebook etc., looking for things too prove that he couldn't trust me, and when he thought he found something he broke up with me.

I was devasted, didn't want to loose him but I only needed some mental and emotional space to get rid of my feelings for someone in the past en continue to let my feelings for this guy grow.

I paniced, tried to get him back, and he became really mean in that time, sleeping with me, doing all kinds of things for me in my house, but getting rude when the word "relationship" came up. I put up with this behaviour for several weeks, untill I was fed up. I left him alone for 1 week, and he came back.

We made a promise to make it work this time and it actually felt right for a few months. We started making plans to move in together, even talked about kids. That is, untill he started making "silent" demands, like the sex should be more exciting etc. Also at that time, I had a casual drink with my neighbour, which I was completely honest about, but he went mad. He kept asking about this encounter and many times I told him that it was innocent, that it ment nothing and we just talked. But he kept asking me about it, and at some point I told him to leave that subject because I'd explained it too many times, that I had no point in cheating because I loved him, so he should trust me. He left the subject, but in his mind it went on (I didn't know about this, he told me later). I noticed that he became a little more detached, and also he started "pushing" me into things, like seducing me to sex when his best friend was there. I told him no, and I thought he accepted this. Also, he started using more drugs, not that much, but once he took xtc when we were on a holiday, he didn't tell me but I found out.

After that holiday he started to become even more detached and when I asked him if he had doubts about our relationship he denied this.

One week later, he broke up with me, saying his feelings for me had gone and there was no future for us. He told me there was no one else, just that we were too different.

One week later I ran into him at a party and he was really rude. At some point I hit him in the face (and I'm not the hitting-kind of person).

He gave me mixed signals, saying there was somebody else but he wouldn't tell me who it was. Then he told me that there was somebody else but he didn't want something with her, later he told me there was nobody else and then later he told me that he had a connection with this girl, conversations and humor, but they both didn't want a relationship. He's still in contact with her though, he tells me, but he didn't have sex. At least that what he makes me believe.

Last week I asked him for a conversation. He told me he had nothing to talk about and that he didn't want a conversation. When I told him that I was not some kind of third degree girl but the person he had been in a relationship with for a year, he agreed to call. I asked him many things, but he told me would never give anything a second chance anymore, out of principle. He told me our relationship had cost him much energy. That he didn't want it anymore. The next day, he started calling me again for "casual reasons".

Bottom line is this: I don't believe him when he says that his feelings for me are over. If his feelings for me where over, why would he be rude, or putting the blame on me? It seems like hurt and anger that's under his skin, making him behave like this. Truth is, I'm a trustable person and I can't believe he broke off our relationship for these insignificant reasons.

I'm left with questions, like didn't I express my feelings for him enough? Should I have done things differently? Why is he so upset over some spontaneous drink with a neighbour, when I made it very clear to my neighbour that I had a relationship? Why doesn't he try to look at it from my point of view. I don't know what to do at this point. It seems he makes decision rather emotionally than rationally and it's hard for me to understand that it's over, without having a conversation about that things were not going the way he wanted it. He told me that he doesn't want to have to "work on it" in the first year, that the first should be great and fun (which we sure had too), like he had experienced in his relationships with his ex-girlfriends. I told him they were ex-girlfriends too and that there is no golden rule for how a relationship goes, and that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. But the fact is, he's gone. He's gone and I hate it. I love this man and I want to be with him. All the good times we were together he was so sweet and loving. I just wish he was a little more mature about his emotions and that he actually made an attempt to listen to me and fully understand me.

Any advise on this situation is welcome!

[brainblox]

lots of info to take on board but I know how you feel when you have to get it all out! I'm not trying to be cruel but sounds like you could both do better for yourselves--meaning, maybe he wasn't right for you and you wasn't right for him ? I think every poster on these threads are trying to exorcize past relationships even dear old me lol (me not that old:D !! Give it a clean break and see how you feel in a few months time, gives you time to remember how you felt about yourself before you met him, remember when alls said and done it's not the end it's just a new beginning ! (sorry if that last bit sounded corny, it's a saying that helped me when I was feeling empty!

[shayan]

I think you know deep inside why things are wrong. You two are not compatible you seem to be more rational and he too emotional. When it comes to love, you can throw all that rationale idealism out the window, matters of the heart usually never have rationale answers. So in my opinion you're looking for closure in the wrong area I think you should instead start mourning your loss so you can let go eventually. Next time look for someone a little closer to you in maturity, I think he was right you guys are very different people. Don't blame yourself, from the way you describe things to me this relationship is more than likely over for good.

 

I'm sorry I understand what it's like to hurt, I send you my warmest wishes.

 

Good Luck and you will overcome this.

[charliecharlie]

First of all, thank you for your quick replies.

You are probably right, telling me that we were not compatible, as much as I wanted this, and we probably both wanted this. I know he loves me, and I want him to be happy. If he's not happy with me, then I have to let him go in order to find real happiness the way he wanted it.

Maybe he's right, saying that in time I will agree with him that this was the best decision. Maybe I'll have peace with it then.

But at this point, I still don't. We were compatible in so many areas.

And I'm sure that if he took the time to really talk to me, dive deeper into our souls, he would find out that we were much more on the same level than he assumed.

I was ready to make my point clear, and I thought the "fights" we had about me having a drink with my neighbour, and him taking xtc without telling me, would bring us closer together, would tighten our bond.

Instead, he started pulling out. Yes, I know I'm a rational person but I'm emotional too. It's just the rational part of me that takes over when the other person gets overemotional. But I get emotional too, and my emotions tell me right now that I want to be with him more than anything. Maybe he didn't feel my emotions, I didn't express myself enough, and I can hit myself in the face for that.

I'm thinking "if only we/he/I had..". Too late perhaps, but nevertheless I feel much regret. I wanted too tighten our relationship emotionally more than anything. I wanted deep conversations and quality time together.

Not a guy that talks nonsense more and more and drinks more beer and takes more drugs, instead of taking responsibility and really making an effort. Maybe he felt incompetent, to give me that deep feeling of closeness. I didn't feel that way, I know it was somewhere down there waiting to reappear, because we felt that closeness from time to time.

I don't mean to talk him down, but I am more intelligent than him, but in other areas he's more experienced than me and I admire him for his qualities. It's not like I need deep conversations all the time, I just want to have much fun and have these conversations from time to time.

I hate the fact that he tells me that he talks much less nonsense now, and the feeling that he found someone else that he has this connection with. I want that same connection! Why can he have it with somebody else and not make an effort to have it with me.

As I watch our holiday pictures, I see two people in love with eachother, and this is only 1,5 month ago! It's just too hard to understand that he didn't think I was worth trying harder.

When I ask my friends now if they thought that we were compatible, the reactions I get are "no, you are out of his league", "I thought you would bring home a wiser man", "I thought you would have dumped him rather than be dumped by him", "we thought you weren't fit af first but when we saw you being happy with him we changed our minds", "no, he's not mature enough for you, watching so much porn, taking xtc, etc.".

I love his childish innocent side, and his manly sensual side. I love the way he is with kids and the things he does for the ones that he loves. He's strong but innocent and sweet, I loved that about him. But I guess I need a man that can tell me "he, you're wrong" without calling it off immediately. I guess I need a man that will stick with me through good and bad times. That will bring a little humor in the relationship and laugh about the "mistakes" we made and make it lighter.

I regret the way we broke up. His anger and frustration towards me while there was nothing to be angry or frustrated about. He broke up with me, not the other way round. Putting the blame on me when there's nothing to blame me for. I really wanted to make this work, and I still do.

My rational side is always 10 steps ahead of my emotional side.

I love this man and I'm thankfull for many things, just not for the way that he's handling this. Making me feel like a child that has nothing to say.

Like my opinion is worthless. That feels soooooo unfair.

I know it takes time, but it has been 1 month since our break up and I still can't get over it. I feel the urge to scream!!!