John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So this girl at work (who is recently divorced) is giving me very mixed signals. At first she gives me signals that indicated a high level of interest (smiles, staring, making up excuses to speak to me). We get to know each other and I ask her for a coffee and she starts making up all sorts of lame excuses. I'm like ok then and I stop the conversation. The next day she is ignoring me - even when I said hello when we crossed paths she was very negative. So I think ok - this one has bombed. Then the next day it's the complete opposite - she's paying me attention again. I think to myself that I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and over the week we speak a few times including on the Friday where I approached her and we had what I felt was a great conversation. But guess what? On the following Monday she's ignoring me again! So I got annoyed and decided to forget her. And true to form the next day she's back to herself being all flirty. Since I was already annoyed with her I didn't respond for a few days. But then I thought why not speak to her so I did . Anyway not long after we spoke I see her in the hall and believe it or not she's gone cold again. Anyway, since I have other options (and this girl is pissing me off) I've decided to let this one lay for a while. But I'd like to ask, what do you guys think is going on inside this womans head? Is she just playing games for an ego boost? Is it "play hard to get" or is she just plain nuts? Why do some women do this?
Bogo123 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 It could be any one of those or all of the above. Women can act a certain way based on how they are feeling at the moment, which could change any minute. My guess is she wants to flirt for fun, but is holding back since she just recently divorced and isn't ready for anything serious yet.
welikeincrowds Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I find it interesting that you tried to give us the reason (she's recently divorced, you know!) in your opening sentence. The truth is that none of us can read minds, you included. So "why" isn't a reasonable question to ask. At least, it's not a reasonable question to ask us. Two better questions: 1) Do you care enough to put up with this? 2) Do you have the balls to ask her why she's being hot and cold with you?
Author John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I find it interesting that you tried to give us the reason (she's recently divorced, you know!) in your opening sentence. The reason I mentioned this is so that people have as much information as possible when writing a reply. But fyi, I have considered it but you know people react differently to divorce. Some people are so happy to get out of a bad marriage that they start looking for someone straight away (or even before the marriage ended). While others take months (if not years) to get back to dating. So I can't presume to know if that has affected her. The truth is that none of us can read minds, you included. So "why" isn't a reasonable question to ask. At least, it's not a reasonable question to ask us. Two better questions: 1) Do you care enough to put up with this? 2) Do you have the balls to ask her why she's being hot and cold with you? 1) Not sure. I did mention that I'm moving onto other prospects for now. But yes I'm curious about her behaviour because I am still interested in the girl. 2) Yes. But why on earth would I do that? The girl is sending out mixed signals anyway so why can I presume she'd be honest with me (at least right now). I started this thread because I've just never had a girl play hot and cold like this before and I was wondering what other people think of the situation. That's all. Thanks for taking the time to reply though. (you too Bogo123!)
welikeincrowds Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Yes. But why on earth would I do that? The point is not really to find out the truth. You don't care what a stranger thinks, do you? No. It's to let her know that you noticed. Boundaries. It's up to us to let people know how we expect them to behave around us, and it's also up to us to respectfully kick them out if they would rather not play along. However you choose to achieve that is your call, but clearly her behavior is making you uncomfortable (as it should), so what you need isn't comprehension -- it's action.
Peter Pry Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 2) Yes. But why on earth would I do that? The girl is sending out mixed signals anyway so why can I presume she'd be honest with me (at least right now). I started this thread because I've just never had a girl play hot and cold like this before and I was wondering what other people think of the situation. Have you considered the possibility that her signals are mixed because her feelings are mixed? Just because she's a bit hot-and-cold doesn't mean that she's playing with you or being dishonest with you. It might mean that she's divorced and has mixed feelings about getting back into a relationship at all, or is attracted to you but also feels iffy about getting involved with a co-worker, or any of a million other things. She's a human being and human beings can be ambivalent, or indecisive, or uncertain. You are too quick to assign cruelty to her when most people aren't intentionally cruel that way. Just because you feel hurt doesn't mean that the pain is intentional. If you like her enough to ask her out, then have a little empathy and give her the respect of the benefit of the doubt.
Author John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 No. It's to let her know that you noticed. Boundaries. It's up to us to let people know how we expect them to behave around us, and it's also up to us to respectfully kick them out if they would rather not play along. However you choose to achieve that is your call, but clearly her behavior is making you uncomfortable (as it should), so what you need isn't comprehension -- it's action. Seriously, that is one of the most mature things I've ever been told. Both in person and in writing. Thanks dude.
sugarmomma Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 You asked her out for coffee and she made up excuses?? That means she's not interested and just being nice. No hot and cold since you guys aren't actually dating. She's not interested. If you don't believe me, ask her out on a real date and see what she says.
InceptorsRule Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 So this girl at work (who is recently divorced) is giving me very mixed signals. That's called "playing hard to get." At first she gives me signals that indicated a high level of interest (smiles, staring, making up excuses to speak to me). We get to know each other and I ask her for a coffee and she starts making up all sorts of lame excuses. I'm like ok then and I stop the conversation. The next day she is ignoring me - even when I said hello when we crossed paths she was very negative. So I think ok - this one has bombed. She could be emotionally disturbed or have a personality disorder such as borderline. Nothing in her life can happen without huge drama, even going out for something as simple as a cup of coffee with a work colleague. It would be interesting to know the background to her divorce, because this would give you a lot more insight into what makes her tick. Then the next day it's the complete opposite - she's paying me attention again. I think to myself that I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and over the week we speak a few times including on the Friday where I approached her and we had what I felt was a great conversation. But guess what? On the following Monday she's ignoring me again! So I got annoyed and decided to forget her. And true to form the next day she's back to herself being all flirty. Since I was already annoyed with her I didn't respond for a few days. But then I thought why not speak to her so I did . Anyway not long after we spoke I see her in the hall and believe it or not she's gone cold again. It sounds like she's probably on a man-hating binge related to her divorce, she realizes you like her, she probably likes you, but can't deal with those feelings in a healthy way. She's ambivalent. Anyway, since I have other options (and this girl is pissing me off) I've decided to let this one lay for a while. Play it a little bit cooler and she will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Chase her and she will run away from you. But I'd like to ask, what do you guys think is going on inside this womans head? Is she just playing games for an ego boost? Is it "play hard to get" or is she just plain nuts? Why do some women do this? All of the above may be the correct answer. Why do they do it? Because they can.
Author John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Have you considered the possibility that her signals are mixed because her feelings are mixed? Just because she's a bit hot-and-cold doesn't mean that she's playing with you or being dishonest with you. It might mean that she's divorced and has mixed feelings about getting back into a relationship at all, or is attracted to you but also feels iffy about getting involved with a co-worker, or any of a million other things. Thanks for your opinion. She's a human being and human beings can be ambivalent, or indecisive, or uncertain. You are too quick to assign cruelty to her when most people aren't intentionally cruel that way. Sorry but perhaps you should re-read my post. I have assigned anything on her since I don't know what she's thinking. My thoughts on the matter have mostly veered between she's playing games and she's not sure how she feels. But like I said I don't know which so I came here to ask the question. Just because you feel hurt doesn't mean that the pain is intentional. If you like her enough to ask her out, then have a little empathy and give her the respect of the benefit of the doubt. Again you should re-read my post - I've given her the benefit of the doubt at least 3 times and still I get the same thing. How many chances am I suppose to give her?
Peter Pry Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Sorry but perhaps you should re-read my post. I have assigned anything on her since I don't know what she's thinking. I did read your post. It said: But I'd like to ask, what do you guys think is going on inside this womans head? Is she just playing games for an ego boost? Is it "play hard to get" or is she just plain nuts? Nowhere in there did I get any sense that you were actually interested in her feelings, but only which sort of game she was playing with you. Is she playing you for an ego boost, or playing hard to get, or just plain nuts. Maybe she's just human, and that wasn't one of the possibilities you seemed to have considered. Again you should re-read my post - I've given her the benefit of the doubt at least 3 times and still I get the same thing. How many chances am I suppose to give her? No, you asked her out on a lunch date three times. "Benefit of the doubt" is different from "Ask on a date." Stop asking her on dates; she's told you no and continuing to ask her out after that is futile. If she does want you, she'll come to you. "Benefit of the doubt" was with regard to her motivations, not whether she's going to accept a date with you the next time you ask her, which unless something changes she won't.
Author John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I did read your post. It said: Nowhere in there did I get any sense that you were actually interested in her feelings, but only which sort of game she was playing with you. Is she playing you for an ego boost, or playing hard to get, or just plain nuts. I mentioned these three possibilities as examples. Which I think is made clear by the fact that I went on to ask "Why do some women do this?" - meaning I am not sure about he motivations and have considered and am open to other points of view. I could write quite a bit more about my feelings and thoughts on this but chose not to for the sake of brevity. Maybe she's just human Really? No, you asked her out on a lunch date three times. "Benefit of the doubt" is different from "Ask on a date." Stop asking her on dates; she's told you no and continuing to ask her out after that is futile. If she does want you, she'll come to you. "Benefit of the doubt" was with regard to her motivations, not whether she's going to accept a date with you the next time you ask her, which unless something changes she won't. I'm sorry, but you're starting to annoy me. I have not asked her out on a single lunch date. Where did I write that? I asked her for a coffee ONCE. Since then I have only SPOKEN to her. Nothing else. That is what I wrote. And I only spoke to her AFTER she would flirt with me.
Author John018 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 She's not interested. Yep, you could be right. You asked her out for coffee and she made up excuses?? That means she's not interested and just being nice. What part of running a continuous cycle of flirting and then ignoring me after I speak to her do you consider "nice"?
Author John018 Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 She could be emotionally disturbed or have a personality disorder such as borderline. Nothing in her life can happen without huge drama, even going out for something as simple as a cup of coffee with a work colleague. I think you're probably exaggerating a bit my friend. It would be interesting to know the background to her divorce, because this would give you a lot more insight into what makes her tick. That's obviously true. But I don't have the right to ask her about that kind of stuff - it's not really any of my business. Play it a little bit cooler and she will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Chase her and she will run away from you. That's part of the problem. When I don't respond she tries to get my attention. I think I either have to either confront her about the behaviour (in a polite but firm manner) or ignore her altogether (I'm not sure I've got the discipline for that ). Why do they do it? Because they can. Good answer.
joeLove Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 John, You seem too "serious" and tight up about this ... You need to relax a little and just take things as they come. Even if you go out on a date with her, she seems like a girl, who will play this game with you on a regular basis... Don't act desperate, she will hurt you ... If you can, find some female friends at work and hang out with them and make sure she sees you hanging out with other females... if she cares, she will let you know on her own. She already knows, you want to go out with her ... Joe
Author John018 Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 John, You seem too "serious" and tight up about this ... You need to relax a little and just take things as they come. Yeah, I have to be honest she got me pretty wound up. But I feel much better about it now. Don't act desperate, she will hurt you ... If you can, find some female friends at work and hang out with them and make sure she sees you hanging out with other females... if she cares, she will let you know on her own. She already knows, you want to go out with her ... Joe That was my thinking. Thanks for the advice.
Author John018 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 MAJOR UPDATE - Advice needed Hi, sorry to dig up this dead thread but I'm in need of some advice. Basically it turns out that the girl I spoke about in the opening post starting dating someone else just before I asked her for that coffee. And this guy happens to be a colleague of ours. She didn't tell me I just kinda figured it out from the way he was behaving towards her. So I decided to try and move on but it's proving much more difficult than I hoped. Not just because I have to see the two of them everyday but she keeps sending (subtle) flirting signals at me. She sent me a Facebook friend request, she sometimes emails me about random stuff to try and get me talking. And then there's the staring. She just stares at me sometimes and I try to ignore her but I can't help it I just have to look back. The worst instance was the other day when I saw the two of them together. She saw me coming from a distance and turned away. My first instinct was to turn and walk in the other direction but then I thought f*** it I'll just carry on walking by. So as i walk by she turns around and stares at me squinting her eyes as if focusing on me intently. And the guy is right there!!! The worst part of all this is that it keeps giving me false hope and then I'll see her later and I feel crushed. I really have no idea what I can do about it. I can't do NC since that would entail leaving my job which I can't afford to do. Anyone have any advice on coping in this situation?
Author John018 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 Bumping in the hopes that someone can offer advice.
GorillaTheater Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 With all due respect, I think you're running a bigger mind game on yourself than she's playing. Who cares what she's thinking? There's no way you, I or anyone else could ever figure that out anyways and hell, she may not even know herself. The fact is that she's not available, you two never got anything off the ground, she owes you nothing, you owe her nothing, and she sounds a little like a space cadet in any event (whether due to her recent divorce or a more permanent condition). The only healthy thing to do is treat her and think of her as nothing more than a coworker. In other words, accept the reality of the situation.
tylerdurden Posted October 23, 2010 Posted October 23, 2010 How funny , the same stuff has just happened to me.The best advice I can give you: Act as they don't exist. Its her loss not yours, would you like a girlfriend who keeps flirting with guys? Consider yourself lucky!
Author John018 Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Thanks for the advice guys. I'm not gonna lie and say things have been wonderful but I've been feeling much better as of late. Thanks again!
dispatch3d Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 girls who bait me into flirting with them to shut me down so that they get a self esteem boost turn me off. Big time. Very self-serving thing to do. Whats the harm in flirting with her? Your putting yourself through an emotional rollercoaster that you would prefer not to go through. Now this is totally seperate from harmless flirting. Harmless flirting noone shoots the other down and its just flirting for fun. I'd participate in that no problem. My issues come when they are doing it with only themselves in mind.
dispatch3d Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 MAJOR UPDATE - Advice needed Hi, sorry to dig up this dead thread but I'm in need of some advice. Basically it turns out that the girl I spoke about in the opening post starting dating someone else just before I asked her for that coffee. And this guy happens to be a colleague of ours. She didn't tell me I just kinda figured it out from the way he was behaving towards her. So I decided to try and move on but it's proving much more difficult than I hoped. Not just because I have to see the two of them everyday but she keeps sending (subtle) flirting signals at me. She sent me a Facebook friend request, she sometimes emails me about random stuff to try and get me talking. And then there's the staring. She just stares at me sometimes and I try to ignore her but I can't help it I just have to look back. The worst instance was the other day when I saw the two of them together. She saw me coming from a distance and turned away. My first instinct was to turn and walk in the other direction but then I thought f*** it I'll just carry on walking by. So as i walk by she turns around and stares at me squinting her eyes as if focusing on me intently. And the guy is right there!!! The worst part of all this is that it keeps giving me false hope and then I'll see her later and I feel crushed. I really have no idea what I can do about it. I can't do NC since that would entail leaving my job which I can't afford to do. Anyone have any advice on coping in this situation? A facebook friend request isn't a signal? Just ignore her. Think of her staring as some weird social tick she has.
curlygirl40 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I'm throwing out lots of guesses here. Being recently divorced maybe she doesn't even know how she feels. Also, just wondering, is anyone else around while this is going on? Maybe she changes her actions depending on who else is watching? Maybe she feels strange flirting with people seeing her do it? I definitely think she's not interested enough in you to go out with you right now since she gave excuses to not go out for coffee. Maybe she's moody and not handling the divorce well. On the days that she's ignoring you do you notice her being snarky with others also? Maybe she just likes the attention and flirts with you for the positive reaction, because it makes her feel good. I would write her off for now. Move on to more positive ground. Good luck
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