Does promiscurity affect how you look at a person?

[Anela]

His thread is sort of shocking for me. It's always a double standard.

 

I'll give you my numbers because none of you know me, and so that I can explain myself. I don't consider myself promiscuis at all. I am NOT into casual sex, and I"ll take a serious meaningful relationship over any other type of situation.

 

I'm 28, lost my virginity at 15, so that's 13 years of me having sex, I've had sex with 9 guys, so that's less than one partner a year. Make me undateable?!

 

I'm currently in my 4th LTR, and I've had ONE FWB situation but that's because the guy I thoght was my soulmate dumped me for no reason. I was hurt, sad, and it completely destroyed my belief in love. I was disconnected. Wasn't who I really am. That was over 6 years ago and I'm over it now and in love again.

 

So that explains 5 guys I've slept with. The other 4? Guys I've dated for between 6-10 months. One I even made him wait 9 months other ones 3.

 

So, given my numbers, am I undateable?

 

I wouldn't say so, but I'm a woman. Any man who sleeps around and thinks themselves capable of commitment, shouldn't look at a woman who has acted in the same way, as though she's useful for screwing, but untrustworthy when it comes to a relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

His thread is sort of shocking for me. It's always a double standard.

I'll give you my numbers because none of you know me, and so that I can explain myself. I don't consider myself promiscuis at all. I am NOT into casual sex, and I"ll take a serious meaningful relationship over any other type of situation.

I'm 28, lost my virginity at 15, so that's 13 years of me having sex, I've had sex with 9 guys, so that's less than one partner a year. Make me undateable?!

I'm currently in my 4th LTR, and I've had ONE FWB situation but that's because the guy I thoght was my soulmate dumped me for no reason. I was hurt, sad, and it completely destroyed my belief in love. I was disconnected. Wasn't who I really am. That was over 6 years ago and I'm over it now and in love again.

So that explains 5 guys I've slept with. The other 4? Guys I've dated for between 6-10 months. One I even made him wait 9 months other ones 3.

So, given my numbers, am I undateable?

 

If that's true... I would consider you very date-able. More because of the situations than the actual number which I don't consider that high.

 

I wouldn't say so, but I'm a woman. Any man who sleeps around and thinks themselves capable of commitment, shouldn't look at a woman who has acted in the same way, as though she's useful for screwing, but untrustworthy when it comes to a relationship.

 

That actually makes really good sense if you think about it.

 

A man's ability to have sex with multiple women comes from his overall qualities. If he lacks any kind of attractiveness he wont have a high number at all.

 

A womans ability to have sex with multiple partners relies her desire to do so and bears little or no reflection on her overall qualities. In fact it shows that she is not picky about her men... a sign of mental instability.

 

I think this double standard is natural and exists for a reason. There are many more double standards that greatly benefit women... You can't pick and choose!

[Stung]

In the years before herpes, HPV, and AIDS, the absolute worst case scenario was you neded up with a mild STD that could be cured by antibiotics. That's not the case these days.

 

 

I'm sorry, Max, but this is a wildly inaccurate statement. If you're interested in getting your facts straight you might want to look into the history of syphilis and it's impact on the world, for starters. BTW, penicillin? Not discovered until 1928 and not widely manufactured until after WWII.

[elaina]

Does it affect how you look at someone your interested in?

 

Would you wanna even know? Why or why not?

If they no longer lived "promiscuously", then I don't think it's necessary for me to know what happened in their past, as long as it wasn't currently happening and not in future plans of the person in question that I am romantically interested in.

 

For example, the man I'm interested in was promiscuous. He says he isn't anymore and isn't planning on being again. Do I want to know about his past and all the women in his past? No thanks.

 

 

Would you feel insecure that maybe you couldnt offer something as good as someone else may have in the persons past? Even if they say your the best?

Only if he said that or inferred it in some way.

 

Do you use that as a reflection on the person?

No, although I wouldn't be interested in a man who is actively and currently promiscuous because I don't want to be in an unfaithful relationship.

 

(for girls) How would you feel if a guy you were attracted to been with many different people leading up to right before you two became official. And you heard about it from the grapevine and other women gave you negative feedback on the guy because of his promiscurity?

Maybe I would have second thoughts, I don't know. Doesn't sound fun.

 

Me personally. I would not wanna know BUT i would like to know that the person wouldnt mind telling me about their past and be open enough about it.

Yep honesty is good. I guess then to me it's just good to know, "hey I wasn't an angel", but I don't need to know everything. Edited September 10, 2010 by elaina

[carhill]

For example, the man I'm interested in was promiscuous. He says he isn't anymore and isn't planning on being again. Do I want to know about his past and all the women in his past? No thanks.

 

Reasonable. What actions of his would demonstrate his disconnection from his promiscuous past? This could be gender neutral but I think it's good to talk about promiscuous men for awhile. Contrary to stereotype, a promiscuous male doesn't have to be universally attractive, and neither does such an attractive male have to be promiscuous simply because many women find him sexually attractive. Promiscuity is psychology. It's in the brain. What about this man's brain has changed to disconnect him from his past behaviors?

[elaina]

Reasonable. What actions of his would demonstrate his disconnection from his promiscuous past?

 

Good question. I've never really thought of that lol. Off the top of my head, I'd think the following demonstrate this:

 

1. his word (and I trust him, cause from I've seen so far he's trustworthy and I have no reason to distrust him)

 

2. his religious beliefs that he seems to take seriously

 

3. his willingness to date me who he knows wants to be faithful and to be in a relationship with a faithful man

 

4. his willingness to meet my family this October, which to me seems like he is serious too

 

This could be gender neutral but I think it's good to talk about promiscuous men for awhile. Contrary to stereotype, a promiscuous male doesn't have to be universally attractive, and neither does such an attractive male have to be promiscuous simply because many women find him sexually attractive. Promiscuity is psychology. It's in the brain. What about this man's brain has changed to disconnect him from his past behaviors?

 

That's a really good question about the brain. I don't know, and to tell you the truth, it's not something I want to ask him about, because do you think he would appreciate me trying to ask him if his brain has changed to disconnect him from his past behaviors? I can just see his face... I don't want to go there! I don't want to scare him away!!! I don't consider a man being promiscuous in his past to mean he is not a wonderful man. It's a hard thing though... it's hard to know how to think about it, but I know I'm not perfect either,and even though I'm not considered to have been promiscuous, I am also not a saint either, but yeah really good question.

 

Do you think I should ask him more, or let it be? I always thought guys would rather not be quizzed on their past relationships and I personally don't want to picture in my head him with another woman, you know? I'd just rather not know about his past and just rather trust his word. Is that naive?

[carhill]

I'll tell you what a lifetime with promiscuous women has taught me. Watch how they act with other men. The truth is all right there. Also, watch how they act with their female friends. The LS'ers who have been married to serial cheaters can likely give very specific examples of what to watch for, but I've developed a 'spidey sense' which guides me. When I get that signal, I look around and watch other men. The same would apply for promiscuous males. If the man has truly altered his promiscuous psychology, the pathway that every female within his eyesight goes right to his penis without thought or consideration, his outward behaviors will reflect it. He will revel in his committed relationship and every woman he encounters will see how proud he is to be yours and only yours. He will be a gentleman and not flirty and familiar. You will be proudly introduced to his female friends and they will be friends of your relationship and you will feel comfortable with and positive about his interactions with them out of your sight. Shall I go on?

[elaina]

I'll tell you what a lifetime with promiscuous women has taught me. Watch how they act with other men. The truth is all right there. Also, watch how they act with their female friends. The LS'ers who have been married to serial cheaters can likely give very specific examples of what to watch for, but I've developed a 'spidey sense' which guides me. When I get that signal, I look around and watch other men. The same would apply for promiscuous males. If the man has truly altered his promiscuous psychology, the pathway that every female within his eyesight goes right to his penis without thought or consideration, his outward behaviors will reflect it. He will revel in his committed relationship and every woman he encounters will see how proud he is to be yours and only yours. He will be a gentleman and not flirty and familiar. You will be proudly introduced to his female friends and they will be friends of your relationship and you will feel comfortable with and positive about his interactions with them out of your sight. Shall I go on?

 

Yes please. This is very interesting and good stuff!

 

So, let me rehash and see if I get it,k?

 

1. Watch him with his female friends?

2. See if he publicly proclaims being in a committed relationship to me and being happy with me?

3. Be introduced by him to his female friends who welcome me into his circle of friends?

 

(I haven't met his friends yet, though I know he does have female friends) Our relationship is very young and actually I want him to meet my family and friends before I meet his, cause we are long distance.

 

I don't want to be suspicious of him though, but yeah I see how it's good to observe all the above that you said. I want to be smart, just not suspicious.

 

Should I start a new thread about this?

Edited September 10, 2010 by elaina

[Nikki Sahagin]

Because I am not a promiscuous person, I wouldn't be happy being with a promiscuous person. I know that I would judge them and be somewhat disappointed by them. Also I would assume that a promiscuous person turns to sex for more reasons than just physical gratification, I think extreme promiscuity is indicitive of that and I would know that I don't turn to sex left, right and centre if i'm bored, low, hyper etc, and so I would feel quite insecure in that relationship. I think it can be hard for a promiscuous person to switch to one long-term partner.

[carhill]

I don't want to be suspicious of him though, but yeah I see how it's good to observe all the above that you said. I want to be smart, just not suspicious.

 

Feeling positive is not suspicious, it's healthy. Erecting positive boundaries about what you want from your relationship is healthy. Promiscuous people think and act in certain ways which promote their lifestyle and goals; if/when they 'change' to a non-promiscuous perspective, their thought processes and resultant actions change as well. I see this all the time in the married women who 'play' with me and other men. It's like a switch. I've commented on it before in other threads. Prior to better understanding this dynamic, I got sucked in, many times. Single women do the same thing, except there is far less risk of consequences from acting on it completely then when one is married. The main difference between the genders is primarily related to their sexual parts, with the woman being the receiver and the man being the penetrator. The man will proactively, whether subtle or blatant, pursue other women, as well as protect and promote his 'harem' of female potentials, sometimes aka 'friends'. Also, watch how a man interacts with ex'es, including mothers of children he has fathered. Watch out for the 'Cheer's effect', where the man keeps the coals warm with an ex, even innocently, just in case an opportunity might present itself. This is a hallmark of a promiscuous male. It's about penetrating and conquering.

 

Of course, his talk will be, just as his female counterparts is, practiced and smooth. Promiscuous people of both genders are generally very smooth privately, even if they can be somewhat awkward socially. They have the gift of making you believe in (with words) who they are. That said, they will usually drop disclaimers in to make things seem more 'honest'. It's all part of the psychology.

 

Lastly, watch how he handles inquiries from you regarding his words or behaviors. For example, if you encounter him with another female friend and express your desire to get to know her (and his other friends) better, what is his reaction? You're his priority and he's not promiscuous any longer, so he should be happy to expand his social circle to include you as his significant other, or more. There should be no ambiguity nor hesitation.

 

Would you look at a non-promiscuous person differently in such matters? Perhaps, but, since either communicated perspective is only as valid and accurate as the person's honesty and truthfullness, there is always room for ambiguity. Actions, OTOH, rarely lie. If that dynamic changes the 'look', so be it. It's your life

[Floridaman]

Yes, it does.. I'm not impressed by guys who feel the need to bed all kinds of women .

I've never been that kind of guy. As some of my earlier posts showed, I was more a "relationship" guy who wanted the best for the woman I was dating.

Of course I physically would have desired her, but I was looking for a life partner, not merely a sexual partner.

 

People that sleep around have low character. They also lack self-control and if they lack self-control in their sex lives, then they lack it in other areas of life as well. Promiscuous pasts will come back and bite you in the ass at some point. Own up to it and accept the consequences. Lying about it is even worse.

This is true as well.

 

I never considered myself a "player" and only engaged in casual sex a time or two in my late 20s while I felt desparate and unattractive to women. So why not take advantage of an offer? It left me feeling very empty and emotionally wrecking.

 

Indeed, I later turned down a couple of offers.

 

Funny how Tammy S., a politically liberal "Christian" virgin woman I was beginning to talk about getting engaged to (she later dumped me after I stopped muting my political opinions just to please her -- she showed no reluctance to speak her mind..) condemned me for my limited sexual experiences.

 

I was honest and counted on one set of fingers the "experiences" I had... yet she judged me and made me feel humiliated. I sure wouldn't have judged her, if she had any kind of sex in her 30-something year-old past. So who was the more tolerant one here?

 

Another girl I dated for a year or so in grad. school and got very heavy with petting and OS - just short of IC... In one of those intimate moments, she told me she was ready and "wanted me.."

 

A green light, right?

I was physically ready she could see and would loved to have finished with her instead of shooting onto her.

 

I was stupid enough to ask her if she was certain, as I thought she had a little too much to drink and never in the past let me enter her...

 

She never thanked me for that action. And later dumped me like I meant nothing for her.

 

I later told her how I wish we hadn't gotten so physically close- but not close enough. Really? she asked. She thought that was normal.

 

And this was someone I was considering marrying.

 

See what a player and selfish p***k I was?

Just concerned about my own needs, right Marian B.?

 

I wasn't promiscuous in any way and may be looked upon as something near a prude or virgin on these boards, compared to the experiences I've read here.

Edited October 26, 2010 by Floridaman

[robaday]

I've slept with 18 women and to be honest still consider myself pretty inexperienced-15 were one night stands, and really it was only my last relationship where i actually had sex on a regular basis-I'm in my late twenties.

 

So in answer to your question, I dont think it would bother me so much. I wouldnt want to know who the guys were, nor would I want to bump into them on a regular basis, what i dont know doesn't hurt me.

 

And I dont think people are deranged or lack morals for having a passionate, no strings attached evening with a hot stranger. If anything Im jealous when it happens!

[that girl]

A man's ability to have sex with multiple women comes from his overall qualities. If he lacks any kind of attractiveness he wont have a high number at all.

 

A womans ability to have sex with multiple partners relies her desire to do so and bears little or no reflection on her overall qualities. In fact it shows that she is not picky about her men... a sign of mental instability.

I don't agree with this at all, but I get why a guy would like to think it works this way.

 

A guy who has gotten around has gone out looking for it. Odds are decent that he has mislead at least a few women or chosen to sleep with prostitutes.

 

A woman can more easily end up with a high number because she has lots of opportunities.

 

Promiscuity for me is a turn off, but it isn't because I think promiscuity makes you a bad person or anything like that. I've never judged a friend for sleeping around. I think that someone who has chosen to sleep around probably isn't a good match for me romantically. I don't have a hard number in mind, but anyone who could be called a player or ladies man wouldn't be for me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't agree with this at all, but I get why a guy would like to think it works this way.

A guy who has gotten around has gone out looking for it. Odds are decent that he has mislead at least a few women or chosen to sleep with prostitutes.

A woman can more easily end up with a high number because she has lots of opportunities.

Promiscuity for me is a turn off, but it isn't because I think promiscuity makes you a bad person or anything like that. I've never judged a friend for sleeping around. I think that someone who has chosen to sleep around probably isn't a good match for me romantically. I don't have a hard number in mind, but anyone who could be called a player or ladies man wouldn't be for me.

 

Eh? How do you disagree?

 

And yes promiscuous people are crazy. It's dangerous to be promiscuous.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

promiscurity

 

 

Promiscurity???

 

Is that like a jiggolo who is scared into monogamy at some point??

 

 

 

How does one cure a troll anyway???