NEWSFLASH - Marriage sometimes is boring.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I feel silly even posting this because I know it's as common as the common cold. But honestly, how do couples that celebrate their 50th anniversary last that frigging long?

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary - and we celebrated in style with a night out for dinner and back in bed by 10 p.m.!!! Yes...it was a quite a whirlwind extravaganza. And then she got sick the next morning from the shellfish she ate.

 

Really, our marriage is not that bad - I don't beat her, no one's cheated - but really must it be so incredibly dull? We get along, we share some laughs. But in a lot of ways I feel like we're not even roommates. It's like we're co-workers. Co-workers who have monthly - or maybe even twice-monthly - perfunctory sex.

 

You needn't ask, because I'm sure you can figure out, we have two kids. And they are the joy of our lives because they cost us a ton of money and interrupt us when we're trying to have adult conversations and they keep us from really ever going anywhere we want to go. But, admittedly they are adorable and they will one day bury us if we're nice to them.

 

I don't want to cheat. But good Lord I would love a roll in the hay with someone - ANYONE almost - new. Everyone woman I see - everysinglegodamnwomanisee - I picture nude. Or wonder what she'd be like in bed. They never know - not a chance. I don't flirt. I'm Mr. straight-and-Narrow, Mr. Buttondown. But seriously if any woman I knew even so much as raised an eyebrow toward me, the whole thing would collapse in a second. But I know this and go waaaay out my way to avoid any situation where that could remotely happen.

 

I love sex. I've told my wife this, she knows I love sex. It's possibly the only thing that makes me feel complete. She likes it. But she prefers sleeping, more. I don't blame her, we both have demanding jobs, kids, investments, pets - the whole American friggin' dream. But Jesus just a little strange...Is that so wrong?

 

I've romanced her - I buy flowers, tell her she's beautiful - but at some point it's just like "eh." I know I should do more but I don't even feel like doing that. And trust me - she feels exactly the same way.

 

Well, honestly, I could go on forever like this. But I just needed to vent this somewhere as I believe my head was about to explode.

[TaraMaiden]

Welcome to the world of stagnant relationships.

And people crap on me when I tell them monogamy is unnatural.

 

Perfect example of why.

 

Great post.

I'm sure you find it of great comfort that I'm cheering for you.

 

have you ever thought of asking your wife how she would feel about you getting it somewhere else, with a FwB, perchance?

 

no?

That vanilla, is she?

 

Well, you're doomed to another 35 years of the same then.

look forward to your 50th with pride!

 

(incidentally, my parents just celebrated their 57th....30 years without a TV, computer illiterate, and can only use a mobile phone for receiving calls, and occasionally making them.)

[2sure]

Yep, I get that. From your side and hers , as you do.

You have hit the wall.

Time for the two of you to consider expanding your sexual horizons.

Make having sex with each other feel like sex with a stranger. Eventually invite a stranger. Or just talk about, sometimes thats enough.

 

Doing any of those things does not mean you are considering "swinging" , does not mean you want to have sex with others. Just means you want to make sex recreational again.

 

Makes sense to me, but I'm not for everyone.

[Lizzie60]

answer honestly.. let's say that you would have the chance to have sex with an amazingly beautiful woman..and your wife would NEVER find out.. would you?

Edited September 9, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxoo]

I love sex. I've told my wife this, she knows I love sex. It's possibly the only thing that makes me feel complete. She likes it. But she prefers sleeping, more. I don't blame her, we both have demanding jobs, kids, investments, pets - the whole American friggin' dream. But Jesus just a little strange...Is that so wrong?

 

I've romanced her - I buy flowers, tell her she's beautiful - but at some point it's just like "eh." I know I should do more but I don't even feel like doing that. And trust me - she feels exactly the same way.

.

 

I've been reading here several months....and I'm wondering if the bolded isn't part of the issue. Couples are burning the candle at both ends, chasing "the dream".

 

H and I don't chase the dream (we have a simple life, with moderate work stress and income....no material "American dream" here). But, we have a great relationship and lots of sex (married 17 years, have kids)

 

What are your priorities? What are hers? Kids are always at the top, but what else? How can your marriage--and your sex life--move up the list? Something else needs to move DOWN the list in order for your relationship to move UP.

[InceptorsRule]

no one's cheated

 

Are you sure?

[InternationalPlayboy]

Thanks to everyone. Lots of good input.

 

There were a couple questions I will try to answer:

 

Lizzie60 asked if I could have sex with an "amazingly beautiful woman" without getting caught by my wife would I do it? Yes. In a heartbeat. Would the "amazingly beautiful woman" have sex with me? Well, that's another question...But in all honesty, I try to avoid situations and places where temptation lingers. Which can make life dull at times. But it keeps me on the straight and narrow.

 

InceptorsRule asked if I knew for sure that neither of us have cheated - of course not. Unless there is concrete evidence, no one ever really knows about their spouse. But I have no reason to suspect my wife of anything like that. Has she been tempted? Perhaps, most likely. But I leave that up to her and it doesn't keep me up at night.

[mem11363]

TM,

I think back on the two times my W said she wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to have sex with me. The comments were made about 1.5 years apart and frankly had no context. In both cases we had been having frequent sex steadily up until the day of the comment. I think back to my calm response both times: "I don't want you to feel forced to do something you dislike, I will get a GF and we will agree to some ground rules".

 

I think that was a very liberating situation for her. I wasn't ending our 20+ years together. I do love her and I am attracted to her. AND I absolutely feel entitled to being physically loved. I also don't think she should feel like her only options are to fuvk me, or fuvk off. I looked at this as a surgical solution to a highly localized problem. It seemed like everything in the marriage was good, if indeed it was only sex that was bad for her why not just slice that bit off and leave all the rest in place.

 

I never asked her how she "felt" hearing those words and I admit I am actually really curious. I only know how she reacted in the weeks and months after those conversations - which was to attempt to erase any question in my mind as to whether she desired me.

 

I have come to the realization that I will never even begin to understand the mindset of people who give their partners the right to basically demand celibacy from them. In some cases they find out much later their spouse was cheating - which seems like the ultimate form of emotional parasitism.

 

 

 

Welcome to the world of stagnant relationships.

And people crap on me when I tell them monogamy is unnatural.

 

Perfect example of why.

 

Great post.

I'm sure you find it of great comfort that I'm cheering for you.

 

have you ever thought of asking your wife how she would feel about you getting it somewhere else, with a FwB, perchance?

 

no?

That vanilla, is she?

 

Well, you're doomed to another 35 years of the same then.

look forward to your 50th with pride!

 

(incidentally, my parents just celebrated their 57th....30 years without a TV, computer illiterate, and can only use a mobile phone for receiving calls, and occasionally making them.)

[InternationalPlayboy]

Kinda curious whether your wife thinks your marriage is a shytty as you think it is. I'm also curious why a man who plans to be faithful comes to an Internet site with the member name of "InternationalPlayboy"

 

My wife and I agree our marriage is at times dull. We talk openly about how kids, jobs and family have placed burdens on us beyond what we imagined as newlyweds. I don't believe our marriage is ****ty - I can say ****ty on here, right? I've witnessed truly ****ty marriages and I'm certain that is not us. We are not ****ty, but merely mediocre. And sometimes, on some days, mediocre feels pretty ****ty.

 

She knows I love sex. I tell her every time we have sex. She knows the only time I'm ever truly happy is when we're having sex. Although I'm being entirely honest when I say those things to her, she kind of brushes it off as me being a guy. Which, I suppose is easy to do.

 

She's never been into sex as much me. When we first dated she admitted to having masturbated only a handful of times and found pornography filthy. Which it is if it's done right.

 

As for the name, "InternationalPlayboy," it is only that - name. It's from an old 1980s song and I chose it entirely tongue in cheek. Ask anyone who knows me - I am neither international nor a playboy.

[ladylucky]

First- GOOD FOR YOU. not cheating after being that bored is an accomplishment.

 

Second- i wish people werent so judgmental. who gives a (bleep) what your screen name is and if you WANT to do something that you havent actually done.

 

besides that this is exactly why i have decided with my husband to have an open relationship. our life is boring. we have sex, we have fun, we laugh a lot and we are very much in love. but things have changed over time. he wants more and i didnt necessarily before i knew how much more he wanted it but once i knew and i thought of what i could lose if i didnt even consider the idea i realized that its not so crazy.

 

monogamy isnt for everyone and bless the people who can do it. i dont look down on them in any way shape or form if anything i respect them deeply.

 

if your wife is a square dont bother even asking to have an open relationship. it may make things a lot worse. but KNOW this if you keep on the track your going one day your going to fall off and right into a whole mess of guilt. talk to her about something, anything really that would make your marriage better and ask her for her own ideas.

 

i wish you the best of luck. marriage can be very boring.

 

and most women know about these feelings their men have before they ever say anything to them about it.

[Cee]

I don't know how old your wife is, but I didn't really hit my sexual stride until I hit my mid 30s and now at 40, I feel like a teen ager because there's so much to explore. I had a pretty vanilla existence in my 20s.

 

I don't what will turn your wife into a dirty girl, but for me some of the gateway drugs in year's past was written erotica, HBO's Real Sex, and the movie Sea of Love. Yeah and those Clan of the Cave Bear books by Jean Auel. As a teen ager, I would read 600 pages of bs for one sexy paragraph. Haha.

 

I know it sounds cliche, but the main sex organ is the brain. She needs to ignite her imagination. And if she doesn't want to do this, you're sh*t out of luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Know exactly how you feel.... Then I think the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence..... But must say you hit a lot of points I certainly empathize with.....

[xxoo]

She knows I love sex. I tell her every time we have sex. She knows the only time I'm ever truly happy is when we're having sex. Although I'm being entirely honest when I say those things to her, she kind of brushes it off as me being a guy. Which, I suppose is easy to do.

 

She's taking you, and your marriage, for granted. Time to shake her up!

 

If you read stories on the infidelity board, you hear about some marriages that were boring, experienced infidelity, and THEN got really active and great--because the affair shook people awake, and made them realize what they were taking for granted. I'm not suggesting you have an affair; more often that just ends in pain and divorce. But it does show that it is possible for boring marriages to become close and sexy again if both partners are sufficiently motivated.

 

So, motivate her. Tell her what is on the line. Insist on marriage counseling. Your needs aren't being met, and that is HER problem as much as it is yours.

[aerogurl87]

 

She's never been into sex as much me. When we first dated she admitted to having masturbated only a handful of times and found pornography filthy. Which it is if it's done right.

 

 

So you went into this marriage knowing your sex drives were pretty incompatible although sex is what makes you happy in a relationship? Interesting...

[BellaBellaBella]

I think marriage is dull sometimes. I don't think it is realistic to believe it is going to be exicting 365 days a year. I read an article today that men fall in lust 10 times a day and I believe it.

 

Perhaps, you need to be more clear that your sexual needs are not being met. That you fight your impulses daily because you love her, ask her how she can help you with this. Be honest with your wife.

 

The truth is it isn't the marriage that is boring, your pissed at your lack of sexual fulfillment not being met and maybe feel ignored.

[mem11363]

This post is about acting like a victim. You have a very basic need that is being taken care of once or twice a month without much enthusiasm. Being tired is not the result of working - it is the result of over committing to stuff that is not as important as "core" marriage stuff.

 

If you can't connect a couple times on the weekend consistently then my question would be - what is so important that you are scheduling on the weekends that it prevents you from being sexual then?

 

Is this really about fatigue? Or is it about her taking your needs lightly and you maybe struggling to figure out how to make sex fun for her.

 

 

I feel silly even posting this because I know it's as common as the common cold. But honestly, how do couples that celebrate their 50th anniversary last that frigging long?

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary - and we celebrated in style with a night out for dinner and back in bed by 10 p.m.!!! Yes...it was a quite a whirlwind extravaganza. And then she got sick the next morning from the shellfish she ate.

 

Really, our marriage is not that bad - I don't beat her, no one's cheated - but really must it be so incredibly dull? We get along, we share some laughs. But in a lot of ways I feel like we're not even roommates. It's like we're co-workers. Co-workers who have monthly - or maybe even twice-monthly - perfunctory sex.

 

You needn't ask, because I'm sure you can figure out, we have two kids. And they are the joy of our lives because they cost us a ton of money and interrupt us when we're trying to have adult conversations and they keep us from really ever going anywhere we want to go. But, admittedly they are adorable and they will one day bury us if we're nice to them.

 

I don't want to cheat. But good Lord I would love a roll in the hay with someone - ANYONE almost - new. Everyone woman I see - everysinglegodamnwomanisee - I picture nude. Or wonder what she'd be like in bed. They never know - not a chance. I don't flirt. I'm Mr. straight-and-Narrow, Mr. Buttondown. But seriously if any woman I knew even so much as raised an eyebrow toward me, the whole thing would collapse in a second. But I know this and go waaaay out my way to avoid any situation where that could remotely happen.

 

I love sex. I've told my wife this, she knows I love sex. It's possibly the only thing that makes me feel complete. She likes it. But she prefers sleeping, more. I don't blame her, we both have demanding jobs, kids, investments, pets - the whole American friggin' dream. But Jesus just a little strange...Is that so wrong?

 

I've romanced her - I buy flowers, tell her she's beautiful - but at some point it's just like "eh." I know I should do more but I don't even feel like doing that. And trust me - she feels exactly the same way.

 

Well, honestly, I could go on forever like this. But I just needed to vent this somewhere as I believe my head was about to explode.

[giotto]

Welcome to the club! In my experience, most of the times the situation is irreversible. Maybe you'll manage to reignite the spark briefly but it won't last... because this is the way it is and it's been like this for years. You are not wife and husband, you are room mates. We will be married 20 years next November, but I can tell you our marriage was over 15 years ago. At the beginning you just go along, thinking it's a glitch, then you try and fix it, then you rebel and finally you accept it, because of the kids...

[Honorable_Venerable]

TM,

I think back to my calm response both times: "I don't want you to feel forced to do something you dislike, I will get a GF and we will agree to some ground rules".

 

This worked very well for MEM, and he has explained very thoroughly how he did it, and how it worked, before. Look up his posts - they are instructive.

Having said that, I believe he was very lucky that it played the way it did. MEM will probably say that he made his own luck, but I maintain that it could go very badly wrong in many cases.

 

I think that was a very liberating situation for her. I looked at this as a surgical solution to a highly localized problem.

 

I think MEM knew his wife well enough to know she would see his response as liberating, rather than demeaning or insulting. I believe that for every woman, who, like MEM's wife is relieved or liberated, there is an equal number who will feel insulted or degraded, and will react accordingly.

 

I never asked her how she "felt" hearing those words and I admit I am actually really curious. I only know how she reacted in the weeks and months after those conversations - which was to attempt to erase any question in my mind as to whether she desired me.

 

I firmly hold the opinion that in a large number of cases this approach would indeed remove any doubt in the wife's mind, albeit not in the way it did for MEM's! I believe that in many cases this would be an act that would more or less guarantee acrimonious confrontation, rather than a reconcilliation.

 

I have come to the realization that I will never even begin to understand the mindset of people who give their partners the right to basically demand celibacy from them. In some cases they find out much later their spouse was cheating - which seems like the ultimate form of emotional parasitism.

The problem arises, in my opinion, that within marriage it is explicitly stated that you DO NOT have sexual relationships with anyone other than ones' spouse. However, there is no explicit statement that being married will provide regular access to sex. The marriage vow makes extra-marital sex a dealbreaker, but does NOT make any guarantee that the sexual element of the marriage will be to both partners' liking. Note - I do not include health-based lack of sex here, I'm referring to simply the sexual side being unsatisfactory because one partner or the other sees no need or has no wish to accomodate the other partner.

 

MEM's approach worked. It may work for you also, but I think it is only reasonable to point out that this is a relatively high-risk strategy, and that having a "plan B" might be useful before you implement it.

[giotto]

MEM's approach worked. It may work for you also, but I think it is only reasonable to point out that this is a relatively high-risk strategy, and that having a "plan B" might be useful before you implement it.

 

When we separated for a while, my wife asked me specifically to notify her if I found another woman or if I had intention to have sex with another woman, because, if so, she wanted a divorce first. And we weren't even together at the time...

[InternationalPlayboy]

So you went into this marriage knowing your sex drives were pretty incompatible although sex is what makes you happy in a relationship? Interesting...

 

Yes amazing isn't it? I'm probably the first person ever who married because he was in love and thought he knew all the answers at 24. Hindsight is everything but the joy of being in your 20s and in love is you never consider consequences. Youth, unfortunately, is spent on being young.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Wouldn't you know, I post this bitchy little diatribe on here and eight hours later my wife and I are screwing like teenagers in the shower...

 

I apologize for anyone who had to read the post. I get like that when I don't have sex after awhile. Today, I'm focused, I'm pleased, I don't mind dropping my kids off at school, the traffic isn't that bad and I'm looking forward to visiting with my wife's family this weekend.

 

God bless sex.

[giotto]

 

As for the name, "InternationalPlayboy," it is only that - name. It's from an old 1980s song

 

 

Morrissey's?

[giotto]

Wouldn't you know, I post this bitchy little diatribe on here and eight hours later my wife and I are screwing like teenagers in the shower...

 

I apologize for anyone who had to read the post. I get like that when I don't have sex after awhile. Today, I'm focused, I'm pleased, I don't mind dropping my kids off at school, the traffic isn't that bad and I'm looking forward to visiting with my wife's family this weekend.

 

God bless sex.

 

 

we'll see you in 3 weeks time...

[Lizzie60]

Welcome to the club! In my experience, most of the times the situation is irreversible. Maybe you'll manage to reignite the spark briefly but it won't last... because this is the way it is and it's been like this for years. You are not wife and husband, you are room mates. We will be married 20 years next November, but I can tell you our marriage was over 15 years ago. At the beginning you just go along, thinking it's a glitch, then you try and fix it, then you rebel and finally you accept it, because of the kids...

 

 

WELL SAID!!!

this is exactly what happens.. sorry

Then you either choose to cheat and stay in a miserable marriage (I can understand that, for the kids) or leave and still be miserable because you miss your kids and you're financially a wreck..

[mem11363]

I perceived my approach as very low risk. I seriously doubted she would let it get to the point where I actually slept with anyone else. Then again since being celibate (for non-health related reasons) was a total non-starter for me it actually seemed like a zero risk strategy.

 

That said I far prefer a marriage based on the concept of open warfare than one where both pretend life is ok while one is sneaking around having an affair.

 

 

This worked very well for MEM, and he has explained very thoroughly how he did it, and how it worked, before. Look up his posts - they are instructive.

Having said that, I believe he was very lucky that it played the way it did. MEM will probably say that he made his own luck, but I maintain that it could go very badly wrong in many cases.

 

 

 

I think MEM knew his wife well enough to know she would see his response as liberating, rather than demeaning or insulting. I believe that for every woman, who, like MEM's wife is relieved or liberated, there is an equal number who will feel insulted or degraded, and will react accordingly.

 

 

 

I firmly hold the opinion that in a large number of cases this approach would indeed remove any doubt in the wife's mind, albeit not in the way it did for MEM's! I believe that in many cases this would be an act that would more or less guarantee acrimonious confrontation, rather than a reconcilliation.

 

 

The problem arises, in my opinion, that within marriage it is explicitly stated that you DO NOT have sexual relationships with anyone other than ones' spouse. However, there is no explicit statement that being married will provide regular access to sex. The marriage vow makes extra-marital sex a dealbreaker, but does NOT make any guarantee that the sexual element of the marriage will be to both partners' liking. Note - I do not include health-based lack of sex here, I'm referring to simply the sexual side being unsatisfactory because one partner or the other sees no need or has no wish to accomodate the other partner.

 

MEM's approach worked. It may work for you also, but I think it is only reasonable to point out that this is a relatively high-risk strategy, and that having a "plan B" might be useful before you implement it.