It's been a while

[jlr]

It's been a while since I've been on this site. I see all kinds of new names on here. A new batch of heartbroken souls. I wish you all the best in your coping. It's not easy. I know.

 

It's been two years since my ex broke up with me. And while I've learned how to cope with my feelings, and to live my life, the missing her never really goes away completely.

 

For those of you who don't know my story, I'll sum it up briefly. My ex of 5 years broke up with me. Her reasons were never super clear. Mostly she just seemed to want to explore life a bit, and was unsure of herself and our life. Nothing major happened in our relationship. We had some typical communication issues, but for most of the relationship, I believed we had a good one.

 

After we broke up, we started hanging out again a few months later. This continued for over 6 months. During this time we were doing things people in a relationship do, so to speak, but weren't dating. It was rocky though, and painful. I wanted to fix things, she didn't, but wanted me around when she was sad. I got used. And it was my bad too, for allowing it. Finally she met some other guy in the middle of last year. We had been on again, off again with speaking terms, and it ceased all together with this news.

 

She would keep popping up, sending texts and emails with dumb excuses to do so. I sent her a really long letter saying to stop, and that I only wanted to talk to her if she wanted to work on us. And I stood up for myself being used. A few months after I sent it, she contacted me, saying she was sorry for being an *******, and saying I was right about much of the things in my letter. She seemed unhappy with the new guy. I got suckered in again, thinking there was hope. But I became someone she could dump her problems on instead. Soon, her apologies were essentially reversed.

 

We haven't been on speaking terms for most of this year, aside from a few encounters we've had in public that led to lengthy, emotional conversations, and a few follow up calls. But, it was essentially dead. The last time we had one of those was like 4 months ago at a concert, where she told me her boyfriend didn't like me contacting her (I don't, it's been all her, though I did respond a few times). This sparked a long conversation where she ended up crying, and telling me she's messed up, and basically that she's not really into the idea of marrying this new guy (even though she said yes when he proposed after not even a year). The conversation didn't end well though. She does what she usually does, and got all angry and ****ty, and basically told me to get lost. What a surprise.

 

Then, last week, I get a voicemail from her when I was on vacation. I didn't pick up the phone on purpose. Strangely, I had been talking about her to my Mom and thinking about her earlier that day. Her message said "I've been thinking alot about you lately, and I wanted to talk to you. I probably shouldn't have called." Then she started crying in it, and says "I'm sorry. Just forget I called." She didn't sound good.

 

I haven't responded, but I'm curious. I know it's probably a trap. I had been doing good in terms of pushing these thoughts of her to the back of my mind. I'd even been on some dates and whatnot.

 

But, still after two years, I get that glimmer of hope in my heart for her, and I know it's dangerous. I still love her though. And I don't know why I can't shake that. And I don't know why I still have faith in her after all the letdowns.

 

And it kills me that two years later, this still isn't completely gone from my life.

 

Sorry. That wasn't brief at all. Lol.

[RDawg]

Crickey man, don't tell us heartbreak noobs this kind of stuff!

 

Two years hey? But maybe it's because you've been in contact all this time?

 

Sorry to hear it man. In 2 years time I want to be inviting my ex to be a guest at my wedding!

[jlr]

Lol.

 

I wasn't trying to scare anyone! I was just sharing an update.

 

To be clear, I'm doing better than I was two years ago. I've done a lot to move on. I've moved, gone back to school, made a record, and even done some dating.

 

But, just when I do get far ahead, she seems to pop up somehow.

I'm just waiting for the day when it has zero effect on me.

I still love her. I wish that would go away.

 

And yeah, we've had some contact. But we don't talk regularly or hang out or anything. Just every few months, she pops up with something. Usually lasts a day or two.

 

And I don't know how to just ingore her.

I'm working on it.

So far this time, I've been strong.

 

I told a friend of mine that while I'm doing so much better, and learning to cope without her. The missing her never fades. My friend said, well, no one promised you that would happen. That may go on forever. It's just how you deal with it that matters now.

[Iselia]

Lol.

 

I wasn't trying to scare anyone! I was just sharing an update.

 

To be clear, I'm doing better than I was two years ago. I've done a lot to move on. I've moved, gone back to school, made a record, and even done some dating.

 

But, just when I do get far ahead, she seems to pop up somehow.

I'm just waiting for the day when it has zero effect on me.

I still love her. I wish that would go away.

 

And yeah, we've had some contact. But we don't talk regularly or hang out or anything. Just every few months, she pops up with something. Usually lasts a day or two.

 

And I don't know how to just ingore her.

I'm working on it.

So far this time, I've been strong.

 

I told a friend of mine that while I'm doing so much better, and learning to cope without her. The missing her never fades. My friend said, well, no one promised you that would happen. That may go on forever. It's just how you deal with it that matters now.

 

Bottom line, she keeps letting you down. If you can't handle the let down (which is probably going to happen) just ignore the call. If you're curious, talk to her. But be forewarn that whatever she says is probably going to sting. It seems the main issue is getting rid of the hope. 2 years of this back and forth is quite a long time. I say, after so many let downs, let her life with her decision and kick her @ss to the curb.

[ShannonMI]

Aw I'm sorry that you are still feeling the pain 2 years later. I hope that isn't going to be me. It's most likely because she kept contacting you and getting your hopes up. That's horrible. I feel for you. I know what you mean when you say you still have a glimmer of hope in your heart for her. I've been broken up with my ex for about 4 months. I just recently found out that he was cheating with a young college girl a week before he said a word to me about breaking up. She's 7 or 8 years younger then him. He dumped me for the girl he cheated with, but made up other excuses as to why he wanted to end our 8 year relationship. I don't think he expected me to find out about the other girl, but I did. He wanted to remain friends afterward, but I told him I didn't think that was possible. Knowing what I know now, it def. IS NOT possible. As with your relationship, I thought everything was good. It came out of the blue. Knowing now that he was cheating makes me angry and bitter, but I still have that tiny little glimmer of hope. It's crazy, I know, when I know what he did to me. I think it's because I'm still clinging to the person he used to be. The person I met 8 years ago and fell madly in love with. He isn't that person anymore. He has changed and it's a real shame because the new person isn't so great. Maybe he'll realize the error of his ways in time and try to come back to me, but I feel the damage is done. I would never be able to trust him again. Plus he doesn't deserve to have me back. I was way too good for him and he blew it.

I hope I can just move on from this relationship and find a lasting one and a man who loves me and treats me right. I'm not dating for a long time though because I'm so deeply hurt.

Edited September 9, 2010 by ShannonMI

[jlr]

Iselia - You're completely right. I need to let her live with her choices.

 

Unfortunately, I broke down and returned the call. Dumb. Basically she misses her "best friend" and is confused about her life again. What a surprise. Even if she was to want to be with me, how long until she feels uncertain and does it all over again. I realized that I don't trust her with this anymore.

 

Shannon - I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. 8 years is a long time. I know how hard it is to just get over a 5 year one. You're right, he doesn't deserve you. He made a really stupid decision by cheating on you. I think cheating is an ultimate deal breaker. I mean, I know it'd be hard to trust my ex, and there was no cheating. If she had, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust her. Be strong. You seem like a great girl, and I think someone awesome will make you happy.

[ShannonMI]

Iselia - You're completely right. I need to let her live with her choices.

 

Unfortunately, I broke down and returned the call. Dumb. Basically she misses her "best friend" and is confused about her life again. What a surprise. Even if she was to want to be with me, how long until she feels uncertain and does it all over again. I realized that I don't trust her with this anymore.

 

Shannon - I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. 8 years is a long time. I know how hard it is to just get over a 5 year one. You're right, he doesn't deserve you. He made a really stupid decision by cheating on you. I think cheating is an ultimate deal breaker. I mean, I know it'd be hard to trust my ex, and there was no cheating. If she had, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust her. Be strong. You seem like a great girl, and I think someone awesome will make you happy.

Thank you! I need all the encouragement I can get these days.

[DustySaltus]

All I can tell you from experience is that I spent two years of my life trying to fill a bottomless pit of needs and wants for my ex. In the aftermath of the broken engagement I was a mess and it took me a year to get back to somewhat of my former self, and sometimes it still hurts.

 

That was two years of my life I spent thinking about someone else rather than myself. Two years I could've used the energy to go to law school or advance further in my career. Two years that I could've spent on MY future. Two years that although I've learned from, I can't get back.

 

Jlr, you have to let her go. I know 5 years is a long time but you have to cease all contact with her. I'm all for second chances but this girl has flip flopped so many times you could never tell going forward if her intentions are sincere. The last thing you want is to play the knight in shining armor (like I did and it cost me tens of thousands of dollars and almost my job) only to realize that she's not willing to put up the same fight as you.

 

When we are away from our ex's for a while, we tend to remember parts of the relationship that were great. We create a "greatest hits" of memories in our head and play them over and over again. But the person that we thought they were and the person that they are....completely different.

 

Let it go and find your own happiness.

[jlr]

Dusty - a familiar face!

How are you?

 

You're 100% right. I did create a greatest hits collection of her. And in talking to her, I can see she's a giant mess. Still hasn't done anything to fix herself. I've done a lot for me, even though I thought of her. But she's still stuck at the same confusion she was when we broke up. She may never change. Or, if she does, or is trying to now, who knows if it will last.

 

I mean, ****, she's calling ME when she's a mess, but still has a boyfriend? That's messed up.