pandagirl Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 This needs to be the next phase of my coping process: letting go. I know people will just say that it takes time, but how can I help it along, or what things to avoid. It's so scary to think of me not feeling this way about him anymore; I think that's what keeps people holding on. You like feeling that love for the person.
Fouts Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Stop being nostalgic about the relationship over time. Remember in the end, that no matter what the reason you were broken up with (all normal, considerate people give excuses to let the other person down lightly) remember that ultimately the other person truly DOESN'T WANT you. They WANT to move on with their life WITHOUT you. There should be a time, rather quickly, that a person's pride, self respect and ego kicks in and they let it go. Those that hang on for second chances or become OCD/stalkerish are the one's who've lost their self respect somewhere along the way and end up degrading themselves before it's said and done. Vent, cry, yell, lay in bed and veg out when you need to. But always remember that the other person doesn't want you in their life anymore. They did all they needed to do to remove you, so sitting around moping about it only hurts yourself, not them. Get out, socialize, get your life back to normal as quickly as you can.
Cee Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I had to redirect my love for that person towards myself. It took a while to learn to focus on me. At first, I spent months watching tv and eating junk food. Then, I started to do new things. I signed up for an improv comedy class. I ended up taking all the classes they offered and made a bunch of new friends. I met a new best friend that way. I also started to go out dancing. I always liked dancing, but my boyfriend wasn't into that. I joined a dance music meetup group & now have a bunch of new friends to go out with. As a nice bonus, I lost 20 pounds as a result of being more active, energetic, and happier. Five years has passed & I have a ton of friends now. I would never trade the new life I have for the life I had before.
Steadfast Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Great suggestions offered here! Solid advice. Take it. In addition to the above comments, I applied kindness towards my ex and prayed for her. This 'mind exercise' allowed me to say the right things and act correctly when I was forced to see her because of the kids. In time, it also changed her attitude towards me. Bitterness, self-pity and loathing not only darkens your mood, but effects your physical appearance as well. Love the line about redirecting the love you have for your ex back to you-
Author pandagirl Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 The thing is, I'm not bitter or angry. I don't look at my ex as some evil person who did me wrong. I just need to stop holding onto him. But I don't want to stop loving him.
PegNosePete Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I just need to stop holding onto him. But I don't want to stop loving him. You can't have one without t'other.
bonpaw2008 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 The thing is, I'm not bitter or angry. I don't look at my ex as some evil person who did me wrong. I just need to stop holding onto him. But I don't want to stop loving him. My first question is - what is keeping you in love with him? He quit you, and no matter how great he was, he isn't in your future, so why waste so much energy on him thinking about him, loving him? 2nd - I don't think you have to stop loving him, but you have to accept that it is over and remember the past lovingly, not longingly. If you are still pining for him and wanting him back, you need to get over that before you can accept the future without him. Turn some of that energy into loving yourself, and you will see the answer.
Author pandagirl Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 My first question is - what is keeping you in love with him? He quit you, and no matter how great he was, he isn't in your future, so why waste so much energy on him thinking about him, loving him? 2nd - I don't think you have to stop loving him, but you have to accept that it is over and remember the past lovingly, not longingly. If you are still pining for him and wanting him back, you need to get over that before you can accept the future without him. Turn some of that energy into loving yourself, and you will see the answer. Can you ever really stop loving someone? He was my best friend and the person I talked to every day. It's not like I'm not going out with my friends. I have my own life. But I can't help caring about him immensely. Yes, he broke up with me, but I know it had to happen deep down. And I know he's not the right long-term partner for me, but that doesn't mean I don't love him. I guess it's just that thing where I like feeling that my heart is still full. In three months, six months, I see myself as either being over him or still harboring feelings. And, truthfully, either of those options terrify me.
RDawg Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 The human being is an incredibly resilient species : physically, mentally and emotionally. We are made to "cope". Do not worry about the future or about your inability to speed up the process. Follow the abundant good advice on this forum - have a look at the "so you want a second chance" thread in CaliGuys signature for starters, it will help. But know this - your mind and body will not let you suffer for longer than you can take, eventually your self preservation will kick in and you will move back into that happy place. And when you do, you will be stronger, wiser and more full of joy than before.
Steadfast Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Can you ever really stop loving someone? He was my best friend and the person I talked to every day. It's not like I'm not going out with my friends. I have my own life. But I can't help caring about him immensely. Yes, he broke up with me, but I know it had to happen deep down. And I know he's not the right long-term partner for me, but that doesn't mean I don't love him. If you really love someone then no, I don't believe you ever stop completely. It might shift however, from deeply romantic to a special place in our heart. Like a cherished memory. We best draw from personal experience and in my case, I love(d) my ex wife like any other member of my family; kids, parents, brothers, etc. She was my family, her heart was my home. Or so I thought. She wanted, or searched, or is searching for a new tenant. That's the reality and reality is often very hard to accept. But we must. That is, if we want to function. If you're single, that means your heart might be made available to someone, somewhere, at some point. Right? Will we henceforth reject love if we stumble upon it again? Unless he feels the exact same way about you, then he wasn't truly your best friend. He wasn't truly your love. You gave -and are in fact continuing to give- your love and devotion, but it takes both to make love complete. I guess it's just that thing where I like feeling that my heart is still full. In three months, six months, I see myself as either being over him or still harboring feelings. And, truthfully, either of those options terrify me. Like most people you're wired to love. That's good. The heart and mind work independent of each other. They will harmonize someday. You'll see. The truth is, you are letting go. You just don't realize it. If it helps to talk about it, if searching provides some comfort and understanding then do it.
Author pandagirl Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 Unless he feels the exact same way about you, then he wasn't truly your best friend. He wasn't truly your love. You gave -and are in fact continuing to give- your love and devotion, but it takes both to make love complete. Like most people you're wired to love. That's good. The heart and mind work independent of each other. They will harmonize someday. You'll see. The truth is, you are letting go. You just don't realize it. If it helps to talk about it, if searching provides some comfort and understanding then do it. I can only go by what he told me, but he called me his best friend, and I know he loves me. I know he deeply cares about my. But honestly, I think he cares more about himself and what he wants, and this relationship was not fitting into that (we were long-distance). Maybe I'm just being impatient. It's been 10 days.
Steadfast Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I can only go by what he told me, but he called me his best friend, and I know he loves me. I know he deeply cares about my. But honestly, I think he cares more about himself and what he wants, and this relationship was not fitting into that (we were long-distance). Maybe I'm just being impatient. It's been 10 days. If you put his words and a nickle in your hand, what would you have? Five cents. Words are cheap and exes are notorious for saying what they think you want to hear. Actions. That's the judge. That's how he really feels.
TG4MJ Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Avoid anything and everything that basically reminds you of him. And I mean everything. Any books, dvds, songs, movie ticket stubs, any kinds of gifts he got you. Avoid things he enjoyed like the plague (hobbies, hangouts, restraunts). Do something stress relieving, workout, hit up a firing range, get a massage. Last but not least, I know people can be kind of chingando about this, but for the record, there's nothing wrong with a little drug and alcohol use. It.....helps. It's not a permanent fix, just something to help you get by. Trust me, I know.
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 If you put his words and a nickle in your hand, what would you have? Five cents. Words are cheap and exes are notorious for saying what they think you want to hear. Actions. That's the judge. That's how he really feels. ha! That was funny! I mean, actions were hard to tell by, because we were in a LDR. When I was with him, it all depended on his mood and work schedule. For the most part, he treated me really well when I was *there* in front of him. Avoid anything and everything that basically reminds you of him. And I mean everything. Any books, dvds, songs, movie ticket stubs, any kinds of gifts he got you. Avoid things he enjoyed like the plague (hobbies, hangouts, restraunts). Do something stress relieving, workout, hit up a firing range, get a massage. Last but not least, I know people can be kind of chingando about this, but for the record, there's nothing wrong with a little drug and alcohol use. It.....helps. It's not a permanent fix, just something to help you get by. Trust me, I know. I was good about his. The next day, I wrote his number on a piece of paper and put it away somewhere hard to get to and deleted it from my phone. Erased 10 months worth of texts (that was sad), all his photos from my phone (even sadder), deleted the extra sweet voicemails saved, and every IM and email conversation we ever had (the SADDEST).
skydiveaddict Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 You like feeling that love for the person. That's for sure. For me that feeling is hard (nearly impossible) to let go of. I try diffuse it by engaging in as many different activities as I can. I think that's all you can do. Plus, you will find love again.
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 That's for sure. For me that feeling is hard (nearly impossible) to let go of. I try diffuse it by engaging in as many different activities as I can. I think that's all you can do. Plus, you will find love again. It's especially hard when you know the other person still loves you. This is weird, but sometimes when I think of him and feel myself loving him, I think the problem is we try to deny that feeling. Instead, I've been trying to just let it come, feel it, then I send it off. It actually helps.
Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Can you ever really stop loving someone? He was my best friend and the person I talked to every day. It's not like I'm not going out with my friends. I have my own life. But I can't help caring about him immensely. Yes, he broke up with me, but I know it had to happen deep down. And I know he's not the right long-term partner for me, but that doesn't mean I don't love him. Yes. Haven't you loved before this guy? Didn't those feelings eventually fade. It just takes time. One day you'll wake up and feel nothing more than warm and tender...indifference.
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Yes. Haven't you loved before this guy? Didn't those feelings eventually fade. It just takes time. One day you'll wake up and feel nothing more than warm and tender...indifference. Each time I thought I've been in love, I look back and think: "What was I thinking?" haha. Honestly, I think this has been made harder because I know he's coming back. It's almost like I don't want to let go until he gets back and see what happens. But, I also don't want to be in this limbo until March!
Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 But, I also don't want to be in this limbo until March! I bet you GOOD MONEY that you won't, that you'll be smitten with someone else by then.
Author pandagirl Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 I bet you GOOD MONEY that you won't, that you'll be smitten with someone else by then. I don't know... I heart is still pouring out love for him.
Recommended Posts