gisela Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I am new here and this is my first post. I am desperate for help and advise from people as I really don't know where to turn to next. I will try and keep this short. I have been married for 24 years and I thought it was a really happy marriage. We have two children aged 20 and 17. About a year ago I was using my husbands phone and I noticed in his address book a womans name i did not recognise and i asked him innocently who it was and he denied all knowledge of it saying someone in the pub must have put it in his phone well i didnt believe that for a minute so i checked his call log and there was about 50 text messages between him and this person over a weekend. I didn't mention it again. then a few months later he had been out drinking and was sleeping and his phone was on the dresser and a text message was sent to his phone. obviously I looked and it said no one is in come to my house and it was from his best friends girlfriend. in the morning I asked him about it and he denied everything again but when I went to work my son told me he left the house shortly after me so I drove to this womans house and lo and behold his car was parked there so I thought lets see you deny this one and put a brick through his window and left. when he came home we had a massive fight and agreed that he go to live at his mums for a time to give me have a bit of space. he came back home after about a fortnight but I was not convinced and became very suspicious of him. To cut a very long story short I bought him a "special phone" for his birthday. Via this phone i have heard him telling his friends that he was seeing his friends girlfriend but there was nothing going on, that he went out with a girl of another friend, that he spent the night sexually with someone who told him to stay away from her in the morning, that years ago him and a friend took two girls back to the friends house and when the friends girlfriend turned up the two girls had to run out of the back door of the house (I know this is nonsense as I know the house and there is no back door!) that when he stayed with his mum a woman was sitting outside the house for hours waiting for him to come out and because he wasn't sleeping with her he just wanted rid of her. lastly, last weekend he went out and didn't come home (he does this occasionally) he went to his friends house and his friend said to him did you pull tonight and he said no I nearly did but backed off. I am at my wits end with it all. When we are together he acts really lovingly towards me. I recently said to him if you are not happy being with me it's ok to leave but he insisted he never wanted to leave me. I love him dearly and can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if all these stories are bravado on his part as I cant imagine him being the womanizer he talks of being. Please give me advise. I have told not one person about any of this and I really need to hear what people think. Sorry it's so long - thanks for reading this. Gisela
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Gisela, in a nutshell, you have three options: 1: Accept what he's doing, tell him you know, and tell him you understand monogamy is not easy or natural for some people do adhere to (it really isn't; some people are not cut out to be singularly and uniquely faithful to one person, for ever.... loads of threads about this, at the moment) but that you don't want to hear anything or know anything about it from either him or anyone else, AND PROVIDING IT DOES NOT INFRINGE OR INTERFERE WITH YOU RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. 2: Ultimatum: Threaten to divorce him and explain that infidelity is completely unacceptable to you, and you cannot and will not live in this way at all, for one moment longer, or he completely stops and becomes 100% accountable and transparent to you, or finally, 3: Play him at his own game get out, meet new people, and tell him that what's sauce for the gander, is sauce for the goose, too... if he can play the field, so can you..... other than these three options, I don't know what you can do. In fact, this really is what it boils down to.
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