awakenedatlast Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Hi, I have been trying to work on my marriage for several months and it is soooo hard. I gave up the IC after my therapist was pretty much encouraging me to have an affair with the guy I had started to fall for to 'get him out of my system' as it were, and have since spent a small fortune on self-help books The Divorce Remedy, the Five Love languages, Co-dependent no more..... All good reads and helpful. My mind is literally constantly swimming with information, ideas, thougts, and swinging back and forth between the 'should I stay or should I go?' arguments. Aren't I supposed to feel that this is more than just a duty, or a chore? Something I have to do 'just because' we're married and have children together? Shouldn't I feel love towards my husband? Should I have to try and 'fake it until I make it'? And when does it start to feel right? I won't deny that my mind and heart still wander far too often to the other guy (who I have actually seen, in company, since cutting contact back in the summer, and who I will no doubt see again socially, in company). I have read that feelings are not 'wrong' and should not be denied, that trying to do so causes us harm. But I have also read that the mind can dominate the heart, and should. But it's just not working. Is this just a very big blip in a what could be long and stable marriage (notice the absence of happy), or is it my inner voice telling me that this just isn't right for me? I can do all the patching up that is humanly possible, but as I read somewhere (could have been here or somewhere else in cyberspace), connecting with someone on a physical and intimate level can't be taught any more than sharing the same sense of humour can be taught. You either do or you don't. Yes, we can learn to communicate more effectively, but I believe that it will never come naturally to my husband to want to explore and pleasure me the way I used to want to do that to him. I am getting stronger. I am learning a lot about myself. And I am trying to stay on track regarding our marriage. BUt I still feel that it's me doing the lion's share of the introspection and problem shooting and that he is just coasting on regardless, as usual. This is not entirely true as he does try, but only when I prod and prod. For anyone who remembers the ol' Viagra pill: he finally took it on August 21st, after having it since April 26th 2009 and then only after a minor meltdown on my part when once again sex turned out the same way it always does. He finallly took it and sex was actually quite good for a while, while he enjoyed the novelty, but before long he was back into the old routine of what works for him, only this time it lasted hours and hours. In the same position that I HATE: lying down on our sides, my back to him and him pushing and pulling me around in whatever position feels good to him, when he KNOWS that it does nothing for me, and after I had asked him to stop after an hour and a half. He just still doesn't get why that pissed me off big time and why I haven't let him near me since. He just doesn't get it, and I don't think he ever will. I'm the one who wants to leave. Shouldn't he be a bit more in tune with this and more pro-active about looking for solutions to save the marriage too?? I someimes think that he may want this to end too, and is being passive-aggressive about the whole thing so that I just finally give up. Round and round and round and round the thoughts go. I actually thought to myself the other day that I wish I had just walked away 18 months ago. Yes, I wouldn't have tried, but it seems that trying is like living a slow death. Anyone been here?
LittleTiger Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 ....before long he was back into the old routine of what works for him, only this time it lasted hours and hours. In the same position that I HATE: lying down on our sides, my back to him and him pushing and pulling me around in whatever position feels good to him, when he KNOWS that it does nothing for me, and after I had asked him to stop after an hour and a half. He just still doesn't get why that pissed me off big time and why I haven't let him near me since. He just doesn't get it, and I don't think he ever will. Hi awakenedatlast. I don't know if I've understood this right, I actually hope I've got it wrong, but if you asked him to stop and he continued doing this, that's rape! If a man starts to, or continues to, penetrate you when you have asked him not to, that's rape. If he touches you when you ask him not to, that's assault. I don't blame you for not letting him near you. At the very least, he sounds like a selfish pig. If you want to work on the marriage, for the sake of your children, because you feel you owe him (though after him raping you I don't think you owe him anything), then MC sounds like your best bet. If you can persuade him to go. You will probably get a lot of posts here telling you that you're only feeling this way because your head has been turned by someone else. If that's the case then your marriage will never work while you are emotionally 'attached' to another man. If that isn't the case and the marriage is genuinely in difficulties for other reasons (which it certainly seems to be) then I will caution you, if you want to end the marriage, you should do it with honesty and not involve a third party. You will almost certainly regret it if you do.
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I actually thought to myself the other day that I wish I had just walked away 18 months ago. I think you should have done, and it's still not too late. if you feel like this now, and you've been through IC, and countless hundreds of dollars' worth of self-help books and you still feel the same way you did 18 months ago - then that is what IC and all those books were good for. Confirming what you already knew. Go for it. Good luck!
Author awakenedatlast Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Thank you for replying. LittleTiger, I really hadn't thought of it like that, and don't actually, but I agree that when it comes to sex he is one hell of a selfish and lazy pig. OK, the ED isn't his fault, but why, why, why did it take the threat of me leaving for him to finally go to the doctor, after 13 years? When, in that time, did he ever wonder whether I might like some attention? You know I actually told him the last time that I had had enough of him always lying down, either on his back (although he doesn't especially like me being on top because he says I 'control everything') or (what he prefers) lying on his side. He makes no effort, physically, as he says it makes it even harder to keep his erection, and just has no clue about missionary, would you believe, can't move his pelvis to save his life and either has to be right up on staightened arms (wtf?) or squashing me. It's all just too much effort. The rare times he takes me from behind with me on my hands and knees, I'm the one who has to adjust to his position, always, without exception. I feel like some sort of blow up doll. He refuses, or can't, talk about sex, so I haven't ever been able to get any explanation for this weird attitude. He's a good guy,works hard, doesn't mistreat me (other than be emotionally unavailable and do his ostrich number, hide behind his work...) and is an OK father, although he does tend to leave all the discipline to me. I can see clearly now how closely his own behaviour seems to mirror his father's, and when I see the bitter wreck of a woman my MIL is, I don't feel too hopeful. I get the feeling he has settled, for me, and for the kind of marriage we have. He actually told me once the best advice his father ever gave him (and this was in our 'courtship' phase, God only knows why I didn't run like the devil was after me then) was: find a girl who is pretty enough, but not so pretty that other men will be interested in her and try to steal her away. WTF?!! How good did that make me feel? If marriage is just about paying the bills, and being 'mates' (I'm British, it means friends, but not particularly close ones, and nothing more) and having a furtive quickie every now and then to relieve sexual tension, I want out. This isn't what I wanted, or want. It's as if he got stuck somewhere around the fifteen year-old jacking off to a porno mag in the privacy of his room mark, (still thinks masturbation is dirty, won't do it in front of me, doesn't want me to do it in front of him) and refuses to progress beyond this point. I want an adult sexual relationship built on communication, mutual exploration and satisfaction. Isn't that normal? We both settled, I can see that now. The question is, do I stick with someone I got together with for all the wrong reasons, and try to find good ones to stay, or do I do what Taramaiden said and leave? My sense of morals has made me stay, and not stray, this far, but quite frankly, it sucks.
Author awakenedatlast Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 (edited) Thank you both for your replies, which have both given me food for thought. LT: Selfish? Oh yes! Rape? I didn't see it like that, just him once again not listening to/hearing me. TM: I'm starting to dare to think the same thing.... Just typed this as I thought the first had been lost in cyberspace...a sort of summary! Edited September 9, 2010 by awakenedatlast the mysteries of cyberspace
LittleTiger Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Nobody can make this decision for you awakenedatlast but it seems to me, deep down, you've already decided. It's a great shame if you have children, but children are resilient and they will survive. If you 'settled' when you got married are you ever likely to be happy? Maybe Tara is right and it's time to get out.
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