marrty24 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Background: My girlfriend and I (we've been together over 2 years) were having a rough time the last few months, but lately it has been much better. I think most of the issues were derived from me not showing her my appreciation and giving her the attention she deserves. I was frustrated with my job and I took it out on her sometimes. We have decided to relocate to a new part of the country and both are leaving our current jobs for new ones and things are great. But here's my issue. While we were visiting some of our friends are this new location, she had a business meeting and while at this meeting some guy saw her, was attracted to her and then messaged her on facebook. At first she thought he was a creeper but she continued to message back and forth on facebook. Then she began talking and texting with him. Then when she returned to our new location to interview for a job she spent a night out with him (did not cheat so she swears). She did lie to me at first about who she was out with that night and why she missed her early flight home the next day though. After that time she has continued to talk and text with this guy and facebook message. She told me it was one day and she does not talk or text with him anymore but I know she is lying because I checked her phone. When I bring it up she gets defesive and continues to lie even though I know the truth. My worry is that there is an attraction between them, and she may leave me for him. Even though things are great right now between us. I don't understand why she has to continue to talk to this guy and lie to me about it. Please any thoughts, quesions, or insight would help. Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 It's your call. Either believe and trust her, or accept that she finds the company, attention and flattery of another guy more fun than the company, attention and flattery she gets from you. You'd better get used to it. People may commit exclusively to one another, but that doesn't mean they belong to each other for ever. Her attention is wandering, she knows you're jealous, she knows her behaviour is improper (hence the lies/secrecy), but there may not be enough between you two to keep her on your side of the fence. You could try giving her an ultimatum; but would that keep her to you, or drive a wedge between you? Only one way to find out. Lay down the law. And then see if it's a turnaround towards you, or away from you.
Author marrty24 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Thanks for the advice! Unfortunately whenever I bring it up the conversation goes negative and bad. We did have a good talk last night about our relationship and how we both are really happy now but were not soo happy two months ago. Maybe it was just a rough spot that we needed to get through and now we'll be fine. I don't know.
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Then tell her that this isn't up for discussion; her connection to this guy makes you uncomfortable, and it's not something you are prepared to accept. Either she has to be completely open about it, and be transparent, letting you in on everything, or it has to end. Her choice. Tell her that. There is no compromise, any more. You've tried to be tolerant and accepting, but her subterfuge and deceit has made it all the more critical for you.
Author marrty24 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I agree that needs to be done. But she doesn't know that I know she's still talking/texting him. She thinks that I believed her when she said she wasn't talking to him anymore and that's that. So I have to get her to admit to talking to him as well.
Fouts Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Not good Marrty. She more than likely had a one night fling with him and continues to keep in constanct contact. I'd say it's for sure there's an attraction there and she's definitely working it for what she can. You need to reevaluate your relationship in a big way.
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I agree that needs to be done. But she doesn't know that I know she's still talking/texting him. She thinks that I believed her when she said she wasn't talking to him anymore and that's that. So I have to get her to admit to talking to him as well. Then you need to be open with her and tell her you know. And don't let her turn it around on you prying and spying on her.... tell her (if she pulls that crap) that it seems you were justified in your mistrust of her and that her lying, and actions prove you were right to be suspicious! Agree with Fouts 'Captain Jack', here.... She's not on your page, and not with you even 50%.....
Author marrty24 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Thanks for all the advice. I know I need to confront this head on, and thanks for the tips of what to say and points I need to get across.
seibert253 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 1st. You're not getting the whole story about there time together. Odd's are there contact became physical. She states she didn't cheat, but you've already proved she's a liar, therefore she's not credible in her denials. 2nd. Obvious her continued contact with this guy bothers you and you're not comfortable with it. Have you made this crystal clear? Tell her. "Your contined contact with the guy makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it. If you value me over him, you will stop. If you chose not to stop, then I will have to re-evaluate our relationship". Bottom line is she probably cheated on you, and is now involved in an emotional affair. You need to call her out on it and give her two options: 1. Stop 2. Leave and you're done
Author marrty24 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 I have confronted and asked her to stop already but when I don't have physical proof in front of me, and she has no ideal that I know anything, then all she does is deny. How can I get her to admit the truth to me without actually having hard proof in front of me, without completely accusing her, and without actually catching her in the lie.
LoveLace Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 You might as well just say you know because you checked the phone. After all this, you had a reason to. SHE gave you the reason to question your trust in her. And while she's mad at you for checking her phone, you can also say here's the proof that you lied to me. That issue is bigger than the fact that you checked her phone. And if she refuses to see that, and continues to deny despite physical proof, then you'll know that whatever is going on with her and him is probably more involved than what you think, more than what she has lead on. It's likely that the more offensive she gets, the more she is hiding. If you say you checked her phone and she's open to discussing it, telling the truth, etc, there might be hope for you two. Otherwise I would just admit to checking the phone, say I'm tired of being lied to, and darn near ready to leave her because of it.
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