Great Big Mess

[Lockdown]

I don't know if anyone has been through something like this, but I am running out of answers and need some advice from people who have more experience with this kind of thing and can hopefully shed some light on what's going on right now.

 

First things first, I'll explain a little bit about myself so there is no misunderstanding about the nature of the situation I am in, and all of these details are extremely important to what decision I should make in regards to my current problem.

 

I'm a 27 year old single male. I've only had one partner my whole life, and this was back in high school when I was 17. I haven't had a lot of sexual experience primarily because I like to make sure I am going to be with the person for a long time if not indefinitely. I adhere to passionate, intimate, and meaningful love making, and it has to be with a person I share a deep connection with.

 

I am an attractive guy -- this is important because I fear sometimes that women may use me because of the attention they get when they are with a guy like me. I'm extremely outgoing, charming, and friendly -- I make friends easily and people generally like me right away. I'm healthy and handsome and try to be as nice to people as possible. I wouldn't say I am cocky, but I am confident and sure of myself -- and I try to be as humble as possible -- but these are things I'm only saying because I think it marks me as being a target to be used by women who seek to gratify their own ego. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and give the women I am dating the best of me without regard. I am sweet and caring, very protective, and when I am with a girl I won't even look at other women. I treat her like absolute gold, like she is mine and I am hers. In college I was friends with tons of beautiful women who always wanted to hang out with me, they just never dated me because they all had boyfriends.

 

I met a girl a little over a month ago. I met her though friends and they had explained to me that she was in a marriage, and that things were going very badly for her. We had hung out a couple of times and I wasn't really impressed, it wasn't "love at first sight" or anything like that. I wasn't even looking for women at the time. After we hung out a couple of times, I had never met her husband. I looked at her and I saw a sweet, lonely girl that really needed someone that could show her what a good person is, how a man should treat a woman. It was my understanding that things were going badly, and that she was either looking for a relationship outside of her marriage, or that things between her and her hubby were on the outs.

 

I started talking to her and getting to know her. After awhile, I developed a strong attraction for her, and her for me. We grew to like each other emotionally, and we even started hanging out a few times, just by ourselves. I would try hugging her or getting close to her, and she would say "You know I like you, but I can't get close to you yet because I'm married", which I respected. She would constantly make subtle hints and flirt with me a lot, she would tell me things like if she wasn't with her husband she would be with me. We started texting each other all the time, all day long, and constantly making ways to see each other. We hug a lot now, and she lets me get closer to her every time I see her. Sometimes when I'm driving in the car and the hair is in her face, I'll brush it out of her eyes just so I can touch her, and to be sweet. I know she likes it, because we talk about it, and while she doesn't outright admit it verbally, I can see it in her face and in her eyes that she deeply longs for me too.

 

All of our friends know what is going on, and as far as I know, her husband knows about how we feel for each other as well. We haven't done anything aside from hugging, and I have kissed her on her cheek a few times, but those are far and few between. She constantly reassures me that she has deep feelings for me too, and that no matter what she wants to always be in my life, and have me in hers. She told me last week she was going to get a separation with her husband, but then this week she changed her mind.

 

I'm a very deeply emotional guy, I am romantic and sweet and constantly think of ways to be caring and supportive of her. When we are together we get along great, we constantly laugh and we have grown closer over time. She makes me feel things in a way I had thought I would never feel. We also turn each other on greatly, and there are moments when we both feel the static in the air. I can feel a woman's attraction for me, there is no doubt in my mind that she likes me...but she will not have an affair with me.

 

I try to be a good person and do whats right. I had never in a million years thought that I would feel this way for a married woman, that I would meet a person like this period. When we don't talk, neither of us feel alright. We miss each other terribly when we don't talk or see each other, and we both deeply want to be in each others lives. Her husband doesn't really treat her right, they constantly argue and she has told me that she wants to try and make her marriage work before just giving up on it. She has only been married a year, and she is only 21. I give her support and help in many ways that her husband cannot. She tells me that she also feels something for me that is much more than just being friends, and that if things don't work out between her and her husband, that we might someday be together.

 

I'm a very patient and gentle guy. I am very kind, but it would be stupid for me to sit here and make myself out to be some perfect saint that I am not. I am sweet and kind, but I have my urges and sometimes I really wish that all consequences be damned, we could just have an affair and get it out of our systems -- but she refuses to because she doesn't want to be morally wrong, and she doesn't want to be divorced at 21, but she wants to be with us both at the same time.

 

She says that we can't be together just yet, but that she wants to be friends for now -- yet she wants to talk to me everyday and be in my life. This is so difficult for me because I really want to be with her, and seeing her and being near someone I care so deeply for and long for so much is very hard. Just talking to her, the things she says that is just her, makes me fall harder and deeper for her. She says the same thing to me. I have tried telling her this isn't going to work, and I took measures to cut her out of my life altogether, but it only lasted 3 days before I missed her so much that I sought her out again to see her. She told me that she deeply missed me and over those three days she cried her eyes out because she missed me so much.

 

One night I wept my eyes out because it just got so overwhelming I couldn't take it anymore. The next day she showed up to my house to see if I was alright -- she was really worried about me.

 

For the past three days, I have sat in my bed all day long just waiting to talk to her. I barely eat, I sleep as much as I can, and I feel a great pain in my heart and in my soul to think that I will have her in my life, always feel this way, but never get to be with her. I'm afraid I will never find someone like her, that will make me feel this good again, that I will be alone the rest of my life, or waiting for someone like her that will never be in my life in the way that I need. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone that will feel the way for me I feel for them....that maybe she just married the wrong guy at a young age and we are meant to be together if I could just wait it out and hang on. On the other side, I think it might altogether be good to just cut her out of my life and move on....just put her into the hands of God and move on with my life. I don't want to be a person responsible for breaking up a marriage, I want to be a good person. She always tells me that I am good for her, I make her want to be a better person, that I inspire her and she needs me in her life because I mean so much to her.

 

Sometimes, I worry that she is unintentionally stringing me along so she can have her cake and eat it too. I worry that she is just using me for the emotional support that she needs that her husband isn't giving her, and then going to him for the sexual and other aspects of the relationship. I also worry she is using me for the attention I get in public when I'm with her -- I tend to turn heads. I have asked her and she has told me that she finds me very attractive, likes me in that way, but just cannot act on it because she is married, but I don't know what to believe. There is no reason for her not to be attracted to me in that way, her husband is kind of gross compared to me, he is unhealthy and slobbish, downright trashy if you ask me, but that's besides the point. He doesn't give her what she needs, and she is worried that while I give her a lot, that eventually either I will lose interest or smother her and she will grow bored with my love and affection.

 

I asked her if she would divorce her husband for me, and she said not just yet, she has to try and make things work so she can at least say she tried. Other times she tells me she will never leave her husband. Other times she will tell me "who knows what can happen tomorrow", or "maybe someday it will happen".

 

I need some people who have experience in this sort of thing to give me advice based on what I have said. I will answer any further questions if someone wants details. I'm more concerned that I will get a flood of responses saying the same thing to me, which would be a clear indicator that if you guys have been through something like this, I can hopefully learn from your experiences and wisdom and either make it work, or get out of it entirely to prevent further problems. I am trying to make the right decision, while feeding my own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, without having to do something immature or irresponsible.

 

I appreciate anyone who has read this and taken the time to carefully consider their response.

[Lockdown]

So if I am allowing her to have the relationship on her terms, should I continue on with it because I care about her, or pull away and hope she comes to me?

 

She has told me that if I pull away and say goodbye a second time, that she will not make an effort to talk to me again because it would be the second time I walked away and it would show her how easily I can just "walk away". I told her today that I wanted to end things so she can come to me when she is ready -- see what its like without me, how much I mean to her, and come to me when she realizes that I am what she really wants and needs.

 

It's kind of like she has trapped me at this point, so I'm really trying to do everything I can to do things right and delicately, without rushing into an impetuous decision that would only serve to destroy things.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful insight. I look forward to hearing more that anyone can offer.

[Lockdown]

You are right, you called out my largest fear, but I am still uncertain as to what you mean that it may be a "blessing in disguise". Could you clarify a little bit to help me understand more? I don't really know what you mean by "happened"....if what happened?

 

You met someone that wasn't your xMM because you let go and now you're getting married? This is great news! And it's better than your A ever was? This is great news too! I'll admit that it makes me feel better to know that there are greater possibilities than waiting for someone who won't commit, your words have inspired me.

 

I think I'm looking for a way to be cool about the whole thing because, since she is mutual friends with my close friends, I will inevitably see her unless I take measures to avoid her. Like I said, our emotional affair isn't a secret to anyone, and I wouldn't want to bump into her at a social gathering and have things be awkward or un necessarily dramatic. What sort of measures could I take to rectify that situation?

 

Thank you for your support.

 

You're not trapped. You can exercise free will at any time. Let me ask you, exactly what it is that you're afraid of losing? The possibility that one day she may choose to leave and you'll miss your chance because you're not waiting in the wings? Do you know that it would probably be a blessing in disguise if that happened?

 

She's 21. She still has a lot of learning and growing to do. Her method of coping with this marriage is turning to you. She's not being introspective, she's not being considerate to her husband, she's not being considerate to you. She's only considering her needs. This IS par for the course.

 

Her telling you that if you walked again she wouldn't pursue you is a threat to control your choice to exercise free will. She KNOWS she isn't offering your anything but a "maybe one day".

 

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't wait. Not for one minute. I was so afraid to let my xMM go. One day I finally got tired of it and I did just that. Since then, I have found true love that is better than the A was (and I didn't think that was possible) and we're getting married. There are better choices out there than waiting for someone who isn't willing to commit to you.

[2sunny]

Lockdown;2986546So if I am allowing her to have the relationship on her terms, should I continue on with it because I care about her, or pull away and hope she comes to me?

 

yes, YOU are allowing it. no don't continue with it because she will hurt you. she's married! you will get hurt.

 

She has told me that if I pull away and say goodbye a second time, that she will not make an effort to talk to me again because it would be the second time I walked away and it would show her how easily I can just "walk away". I told her today that I wanted to end things so she can come to me when she is ready -- see what its like without me, how much I mean to her, and come to me when she realizes that I am what she really wants and needs.

 

IF she's has any integrity she won't come to you. she's married.

 

It's kind of like she has trapped me at this point, so I'm really trying to do everything I can to do things right and delicately, without rushing into an impetuous decision that would only serve to destroy things.

 

SHE hasn't trapped you - YOU have allowed it - only blame yourself. and run! RUN away as fast as you can... least you get hurt!

 

Thank you for your thoughtful insight. I look forward to hearing more that anyone can offer.

 

you're welcome, now go read how these things turn out in the OM/OW forum... being her other man will only bring you a ton of pain. get out while you can... she's married.

 

 

ps... don't ever assume her husband knows - if you wonder- go tell him. if she has nothing to hide - then she shouldn't be hiding anything! if you are her secret - then something is wrong. stop participating - this is wrong!

[sugarmomma]

 

She has told me that if I pull away and say goodbye a second time, that she will not make an effort to talk to me again because it would be the second time I walked away and it would show her how easily I can just "walk away".

 

Never negotiate out of fear. You don't owe her anything since she is the one that is married. I would cut contact with her completely since she is simply using you as a fallback guy. You know the person that's always there whether you want them or not. She is sending mixed messages and you need to grow a pair and tell her to call you when she is single and available. Go find a single woman who can give you a real relationship.

 

Best wishes

[MorningCoffee]

Since she is struggling in her (very new, untested) marriage, she is insecure and hanging on to you for emotional support. She's happy you are becoming emotionally fused to her, enmeshed in the drama, and that will surely happen if you continue as you are. A confidante, a kind of girlfriend with male apparatus. Makes us guys feel important and like we're really connecting.

 

Plus she obviously is attracted to you and that gives her a seductiveness that reels you right in, am I correct? Been there, experienced that, got the T-shirt and the scar tissue on the heart to show for it.

 

All I can suggest (if you're not going to simply run!) is that you set some boundaries, dude. Figure out how to be you and not get totally lost in her stuff. You'll be happier and ironically, more attractive to her as well. Good luck.

[lkjh]

Dude this is not some fantasy love story. It is a 27 year old guy trying to move in on a married too young confused 21 year old. She is stringing you along and you are encouraging her to commit adultery. You are trying to turn this into a made for lifetime movie, when in reality it is just some mid-20's kid who is sexually frustrated because even though he considers himself super great he hasn't had a real relationship since 10 years ago trying to bang a married chick.

 

 

You are not in love with her, you are happy that a girl is sticking around. Man up and stop going after any girl that gives you attention especially married ones. You are 27 and there are tons of girls out there

[lkjh]

I know I sound cruel and that is not my intention. Im just trying to call it like it is. I really do want you to take the best road in solving this problem

 

 

 

 

also stop with all of the sensitive bs, thats just gonna scare girls away

[TigerCub]

She has told me that if I pull away and say goodbye a second time, that she will not make an effort to talk to me again because it would be the second time I walked away and it would show her how easily I can just "walk away".

 

When she tells you stuff like that, tell her that you're not really walking away, that someday you guys might be together

if she's expecting the someday bs to work on you, use it right back with her.

 

This girl is being really manipulative, she wants you to provide her with the emotional stuff that her husband doesn't give her.

 

I do agree with the posters that said that as long as you provide her with that, she wont be experiencing her marriage as it really is - because you're giving her what she's missing.

 

I know that these situations are hard, and it sucks to be away from someone you fall so hard for and connect so well with, but she's just a taker and she's not giving you anything in return except pain.

 

This girl is young, she needs to grow up and learn so much more about herself. she's in a marriage and right now there are no kids, and so if she was truly in love with you, breaking off from that marriage would be so much easier than it would be with kids in the equation.

 

Hun, you're 27, healthy, good looking, hopefully successful and smart, and you seem to have manners and know how to treat a girl right, you'll find someone else, you will and I know that right now it seems that you wont find that kind of connection again, but I'm hoping that you will.

 

The longer you stay in this, the more emotionally invested you will be and the more pain you'll suffer.

 

It's kind of like she has trapped me at this point

 

I understand that feeling, but really its all about our choices and how we try to get ourselves out of it.

You're not trapped, you're the single guy with the potential, she's the miserable girl in the bad marriage, between the two of you, she's the one that's trapped, and that was her choice, not yours.

 

Don't invest more in this girl to make her bad marriage more tolerable.

 

Good luck to you

[pureinheart]

 

Sometimes, I worry that she is unintentionally stringing me along so she can have her cake and eat it too. I worry that she is just using me for the emotional support that she needs that her husband isn't giving her, and then going to him for the sexual and other aspects of the relationship. I also worry she is using me for the attention I get in public when I'm with her -- I tend to turn heads. I have asked her and she has told me that she finds me very attractive, likes me in that way, but just cannot act on it because she is married, but I don't know what to believe. There is no reason for her not to be attracted to me in that way, her husband is kind of gross compared to me, he is unhealthy and slobbish, downright trashy if you ask me, but that's besides the point. He doesn't give her what she needs, and she is worried that while I give her a lot, that eventually either I will lose interest or smother her and she will grow bored with my love and affection.

 

I asked her if she would divorce her husband for me, and she said not just yet, she has to try and make things work so she can at least say she tried. Other times she tells me she will never leave her husband. Other times she will tell me "who knows what can happen tomorrow", or "maybe someday it will happen".

 

I need some people who have experience in this sort of thing to give me advice based on what I have said. I will answer any further questions if someone wants details. I'm more concerned that I will get a flood of responses saying the same thing to me, which would be a clear indicator that if you guys have been through something like this, I can hopefully learn from your experiences and wisdom and either make it work, or get out of it entirely to prevent further problems. I am trying to make the right decision, while feeding my own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, without having to do something immature or irresponsible.

 

I appreciate anyone who has read this and taken the time to carefully consider their response.

 

OMG LD, this sounds a lot like exDM, as a matter of fact, what you quoted (in bold) were his EXACT words...did he reincarnate himself?????? What a trip.

 

I totally related to about 99% of your post and there is one thing I can tell you is something is keeping her there...maybe he is abuseive and she has been through "Traumatic Bonding", I'm really not sure, although even though it doesn't make sense...something has a hold on her.

 

Possibly you are too nice...who knows, although because the your sitch is similar to my past experience, I would get out because she is operating in confusion and playing mind games with you, and you don't need it...she will suck the very life out of you eventually....

 

Hey LD welcome, and hope you stick around for awhile...you'll get some great advice here and there...

[2sure]

I think you need to really hear what she is telling you. She is telling you she cannot be more than friends with you. She is telling you she is not leaving her husband.

 

You have to stop seeing her or she will continue to toy with you both.

She is only 21, she doesnt know what she wants and she has told you that.

[whichwayisup]

Don't lower your standards. This woman is married and has no real definate plans to leave. Since you seem to have alot of self confidence, and can easily find women, don't bother with this one. Sure, you like her, she likes you, you two share a connection and have grown attached .. BUT SHE IS MARRIED and you choosing to be in her life, even as a friend, is only going to mess YOU up.

 

It was my understanding that things were going badly, and that she was either looking for a relationship outside of her marriage, or that things between her and her hubby were on the outs.

 

This doesn't justify what she is doing, or what you are doing. Knowing full well as she told you she has no plans on divorcing anytime soon, puts you in a position of the OM (other man) if you choose to stay. You'll be second fiddle, helping her feed her ego (not malciously, but selfishly), helping her stay in her marriage, making it "bearable". Don't be that guy. You deserve better and more! Don't settle to be second fiddle!

[Mimolicious]

Had me all the way till you mentioned she is 21. Tons of growing up to do. No offense...

 

You either stick around to be her cushion or you tell her to call you once she gets a divorce, matures and can give you the place that you deserve.

 

Man up!

[Lockdown]

First, I'd like to thank everyone again who has answered my questions so far.

 

After carefully reviewing everyone's opinion and experiences, I know that the only right thing to do is to go No Contact for a set duration and see what happens in the meantime.

 

It's too hard to say goodbye forever, and since her and I have been so open and honest with each other, I owe it to the both of us to tell her whats going on rather than just cold shoulder it.

 

I sent her over text today that we needed to talk, I basically said word for word what sadintexas had said -- that her marriage has a life of its own and it needs to live that life without me acting as a love lifeline.

 

She came over today so we could talk it out face to face, and I stood my ground (gently and kindly) and we both agreed that it is in fact best for her to take some time to see if her marriage will work.

 

She also told me today for the first time that she loved me. Now, she has told me that she has loved me before, but never "I love you" -- which to me is kind of a big deal, but its not like I didn't really know. I told her that I didn't want her to say that to me "under the gun" so to speak, just because I'm making a move to go no contact, and that yeah, I love her too. We talked about a ton of things, from what it means to be in a real relationship to what it means to be with someone you barely know, how we both love just being in love, and how great we are when we are together.

 

We are just two young people who are falling in love for each other and we are both confused about what to do, and she is the one who is trapped in a bad marriage, not me. So, I needed to be the adult and make things be right -- she knew it, it was just hard for both of us to do.

 

I told her it wasn't going to be goodbye forever -- we both have separation issues, and we are both afraid our love is going to fade -- but she was married long before she met me, and she needs to see if that is going to work before she takes a chance on the love we are only just getting into. If it fades it fades, if she decides she wants me in her life and not her husband, then that will be what happens.

 

I told her I wanted to go No Contact for 6 months and see what happens. She said that it was too long of a time, and asked for 4 months. Then she asked to take it down to 2 months. I teased her a little bit in a friendly way and said "How about 1 month. How about 2 weeks? How about tomorrow!?". Eventually I convinced her that yes this is the best thing for both of us, and deep down she knows it. We discussed what it means to have an emotional affair, and that we were in one and it wasn't right. I told her everything I have learned from LoveShack and this post, and I used it to make the absolute best decision possible.

 

She knew the best of me. I would sing for her, and she told me I have a beautiful voice. She accepted me in my stupidest goofiest moments (I'm like a cartoon character most of the time, and I'm not even kidding). I'm going to miss how accepted she made me feel, how even my dumbest jokes made her laugh and put a smile on her face. I'm going to miss our little touches, her soft smile when I know she's falling for me just like I'm falling for her. I'm going to miss her so much.

 

She is going to text me on my birthday, which is in 16 days. I'm going to struggle everyday in attempts to not text her. I deactivated my facebook and deleted my myspace. I'm gonna stop singing the songs I sang to her, even stop listening to them for awhile. I'm gonna kick up my mixed martial arts training and get back into my hard work out routine. I'm actually only 26 but since my bday is in 16 days I figured I might as well round up right?

 

Edit: I also wanted to mention, that when we had decided its the best thing to do, that we would say goodbye to each other without making a dramatic exit. I told her I'm going to get up and walk you out, I'm going to hug you and kiss you on the cheek, and I'm going to say "I'll talk to you soon." And we did just that. She said to me "I'll talk to you later". I wanted things to be sweet and positive, even if we are a little sad, we both know its the right thing. To me, it could not be any other way. End Edit.

 

Here's to hoping I did everything right and this all ends up alright. Here's to hoping 27 is a better year than 26, and 26 was pretty kick ass if I say so myself.

 

We'll see how things go and I'll be sure to try and keep you all updated. Thank you all for your support, and God Bless.

Edited September 10, 2010 by Lockdown
Grammar

[blizzard]

Due to lack of time I can only say

 

You are a beautiful person that is getting wrapped up into something very seriously complicated. Don't allow her to ruin your innocence. She will only take you down a road of hurt, betrayal, and teach you not to trust.

 

I only hope to meet someone like YOU one day that has so much love to give. Honestly, I would let her go. Save all that you have to give for someone unattatched. You truly are wonderful...I would hate to know that a single chick out there would be missing out on you b/c you have been bent by some young girl that doesn't know what she wants. Please realize, she will stay in her marriage...they always do hon. btdt.

[Lockdown]

Thank you for the vote of confidence blizzard, you are very kind to say such things to me.

 

We established NC and had agreed on it, but today she had contacted me via text saying "I know we aren't supposed to be talking but I need to ask you something".

 

I said "go ahead" and she asked me "What if I do stay in love with you and you don't feel the same".

 

I'll post my extended answer here:

 

"I am keeping you in my prayers every night. I pray that God will guide you and bring you love, happiness, safety, and life, that God does what is best for you. That's not going to change. Even if you hated me and hurt me terribly, I would still pray for you because I do love you, and faith is my guide. Talk to God, be patient, take your time, keep me in your heart and pray to God for me in the same way I do for you, say prayers and God will set us straight. Ask God where you should be, if he leads you to me, I will love you as I do. I know you want stability and I told you I would commit: I know feelings change...if my feelings for you change, this is what will happen. If you really love me and you come back into my life a single woman, and you are willing to make the changes necessary to be mine exclusively and to mature, then I will fall in love with you all over again, but this time it will be one million times better because you will not be trapped or constrained by your marriage -- and that's only IF I fall out of love with you. So there =P."

 

She then replied "God, I miss you so much already"

 

I replied "And I miss you too honey, but you need to take the time necessary to decide what you are going to do. It will all work out for the best. We'll talk again soon, don't forget to text me on my Birthday, ok?"

 

She said "I will I promise. I <3 you." and I said "and I <3 you".

 

And that was that. It's a little difficult because I really do miss her, but I am getting on with my life as I should be rather than running around and chasing her. I know a lot of posters have told me to "man up" and to cut her off completely -- but the conception of what a man is, is different to many people. Just because men are stereotypically held as being stern, alienating, and cold, doesn't mean I have to follow those guidelines -- I like to think of myself as redefining maturity, and in my perspective, a real man is strong physically, and emotionally, and can make those difficult decisions while being loving and supportive -- yet stern at the exact same time. It's about respect first and foremost, and while sure she hasn't been a complete Angel throughout our relationship, I am far from perfect as well.

 

I also don't want anyone thinking I'm some sort of religious zealot or sanctimonious self righteous wannabe -- I have a relationship with God, but I don't allow anyone to define the nature of my relationship with God anymore than I allow someone to tell me what it means to be a man or to love and care for someone.

 

I'm giving her a real chance here -- I am patient and willing -- but there is an expiration date. If she doesn't take the measures necessary to be in my life but keeps saying she loves me, I'm smart enough to know a dead end, or an endless cycle when I see one. I only yesterday established the NC (thanks to you who have read and replied to my post), and I feel that even if her and I don't end up together, we are at least taking the necessary steps to ensure that things progress as they are supposed to. If we end up together, who knows...if not -- that's ok too. I'm not going to let anyone ruin my kindness or how much love I have to give, and this is really the most mature and respectable decision I can make in regards to the situation and remain true to who I am as a person at the same time.

 

Thank you everyone for your support again. Like I said, I'll stick around the board and offer any advice I can, but I deff like the feeling of the community here, and I will be sure to keep everyone updated as things occur. Hopefully, I will grow and be able to help anyone else in the future as you all have helped me.

[Lockdown]

Well...so things have finally come to an end. Neither of us could go through the No Contact phase. She broke it twice, and the second time I couldn't handle it and had a break down. She told me that she couldn't be with someone as unstable as me -- despite the fact that the only reason I broke down was because she kept contacting me after I was trying to take space -- and I missed her and loved her, and she wouldn't be with me.

 

So, we started hanging out again. We didn't have a physical affair, but she flat out told me that she was in love with me, wanted to be with me, and was going to get a separation from her husband AGAIN.

 

I told her to do whats best for her. Two days later her husband finds out that her and I have been hanging out again, and he contacts me making all kinds of threats. I told him to calm down and not to do anything he would regret, and that it wasn't his or my decision who his wife talks to, its hers and we should both respect it. She texts me the next morning and tells me she's going to stay with her husband, that its the best thing for her. I told her goodbye, and she simply said "Ok, bye". Now she has deleted me on facebook, and she has pictures of her and her husband up kissing and smiling together.

 

Needless to say, she ripped my heart out of my chest and stuffed it down my throat. I suppose I'm guilty of believing her lies, believing that she actually loved me and was going to be with me.

 

I am very heart broken over this...

[Confused4Now]

(((hugs))) to you ...I'm sorry for your pain. Focus on you, heal and get healthy......

[UntoldStory]

LD, I haven't posted on your thread before but I'm so sorry for your pain. I have to say - from your description of the feelings you shared with MW, what she meant to you, and knowing how young she is, I would be very surprised if this is the end of this roller coaster for you. That might be good or bad, depending on whether you really want to get off it or not!

 

Keep busy, stay strong, and clarity will start to come. Give it a couple of weeks at least.

[Lockdown]

I'll give it a couple of weeks, but I don't think she will be contacting me again. In many ways I'm glad that some closure has been brought to the relationship because I don't think I could ever trust her. She lies.

 

Despite all of that, I can't help but forgive and still care deeply for her. The biggest problem is that I don't find many people that I like on all levels like I cared for her -- we had shared chemistry, and that's a rare find. We were both really attracted to each other, and we had shared feelings -- I don't experience that very often, and its very difficult to let go. I def still care deeply for her, and its hard realizing that I am not what she has chosen -- that I was not enough for her, that I simply was not it.

 

I think if she was only dating this guy, she would have dumped him for me, but the mere fact that she's married (and has expressed regrets for marrying so young), and is choosing to stay in that mess of a marriage makes me long for her even more. I felt like she was truly happy with me, why would choose him instead of that?

[ladydesigner]

I'll give it a couple of weeks, but I don't think she will be contacting me again. In many ways I'm glad that some closure has been brought to the relationship because I don't think I could ever trust her. She lies.

 

Despite all of that, I can't help but forgive and still care deeply for her. The biggest problem is that I don't find many people that I like on all levels like I cared for her -- we had shared chemistry, and that's a rare find. We were both really attracted to each other, and we had shared feelings -- I don't experience that very often, and its very difficult to let go. I def still care deeply for her, and its hard realizing that I am not what she has chosen -- that I was not enough for her, that I simply was not it.

 

I think if she was only dating this guy, she would have dumped him for me, but the mere fact that she's married (and has expressed regrets for marrying so young), and is choosing to stay in that mess of a marriage makes me long for her even more. I felt like she was truly happy with me, why would choose him instead of that?

 

So sorry you are hurting. These affairs always end bad for someone, I believe it it ends bad for all involved. The one who has the most feelings invested is the one who is always left the most hurt, shocked, stunned, rejected, etc. Don't focus on the bolded part too much. I became obsessed with this thought for a whole year after my A ended. I was the MOW. It only prolongs the pain. The only thing you should focus on is yourself and getting better and stronger. She made her choice. Please stay NC with her and do not be surprised if she contacts you again. This is a toxic situation for you. Please heal and move on. (((Hugs)))

[Lockdown]

I don't think I've ever had a healthy romantic relationship with a woman, which is probably why that, despite the fact that I know and understand that my relationship with her was toxic, I can't bring myself to tear away since its the only type of relationship I understand....

 

I guess I thought this would be different -- I did everything right. I was a nice and as caring and as considerate could be. I was an absolutely gentleman at all times, and playful when it was called for. I don't understand it. Her husband treats her like she's his property, whereas I respected her as an individual and tried only to enrich and encourage positive influences on her life. I know being an OM isn't exactly positive, but I also know people marry young and make mistakes and shouldn't have to pay for those mistakes the rest of their life.

 

My father told me there are only two types of people in this world, givers and takers. I think some people are givers and takers at times, but I think I gave to her to a fault, she took it all, and now that she took everything she wanted she's ready to just throw me aside. I don't understand how a person could do something like that.

 

The biggest problem is from going from that lovey-dovey being with each other and in love 24/7 thing to BAM, nothing. Where we used to talk is filled with empty spaces, where we used to hang is nothing but alone time -- I'm well used to that alone time, as I've mostly been alone my whole life. I think the damage is more detrimental when you start thinking for a change, when you start getting that hope that "maybe this person is genuine and will not abandon me". I don't have the time for lies in my life, and I don't possess the moral bankruptcy to play games, but my biggest fault in this whole ordeal, was believing for one moment that I had found someone I could trust, that loved me for me, and was going to be genuine and true to her word -- that she would be with me.

 

I'm trying to stay busy and my focus in my martial arts training is better than its ever been -- but my heart is wounded, and I hate myself for letting my guard down when I should have known better -- especially with a 21 year old girl who only emotionally vamping me because I'm so willing to throw myself out there in search of genuine love. The chemistry didn't help either.

 

When I met her I wasn't even looking, it just happened. I was convinced there was not a single woman on the face of this earth for me and I had just gotten comfortable with that. Then BAM, I fell in love with the woman who is the worst possible for me.

 

Looks like I still have a lot of growing to do, it just hurts to be discarded so easily.

 

Thank you all for your support.

[UntoldStory]

Then BAM, I fell in love with the woman who is the worst possible for me.

 

LD - I know how painful it is. But it's the people who are able to hurt us the most that we have the most to learn from. You will find someone else -- and next time, you'll see the red flags for what they are. You're taking away a huge amount of self-knowledge from this, and unfortunately sometimes it takes excruciating pain to learn the lessons we need to learn to move forward and find something better.

 

Stay strong, you're going to be just fine.

[nunyanunya]

You sound exactly like me.

 

Don't be surprised if she tries talking to you again. Don't give her the time of day. You talk about wanting to be respectful, but don't forget to respect yourself! I wont reiterate the support and advice I've been given, only to invite that you take a look as I believe much of it applies to you.

 

Good luck man!

[Lockdown]

You know, after all things considered, I realize now how terrible she was for me. Truly, the best times we had together, the days we had that were absolutely perfect, were because *I* made the effort to make them as such: in essence, the good things we shared were because I *gave* them, and she simply took them.

 

The fact of the matter is that she was only using me and I was allowing her to. Like so many people have pointed out to me, like so many people have warned me -- I just wanted to let you all know that you were all 100% right about this girl, about this relationship, and I was so foolishly caught in her web, and willfully throwing myself into the situation that the only way I could truly see how right you all were was to go through it myself.

 

I think deep down inside I knew she didn't love me, but I was willing to disregard my own warning bells, my own friends warnings, and give her a chance -- and she blew it.

 

The fact of the matter is, she does not DESERVE my love, and now I have to learn to have enough self respect to protect and prevent myself from ever falling into another one of these traps again.

 

This has indeed been a learning experience, and I wanted to thank you all for your support -- you all have really, sincerely, had a positive impact on my life, and I cherish your wisdom and positivity despite my circumstances.

 

I will be sure to let you all know how this ends, if she tries contacting me again or anything else...and hopefully, I'll see you all around the boards with other threads as well.

 

God Bless.