Just talked to him.

[pandagirl]

Finally talked to him. The first time since after our breakup.

 

It was good, I guess. It was actually a really fun conversation. We get along, what can I say. We laughed a lot and caught up.

 

He finalized the breakup. He basically said that he has to focus on him right now, his career and his work, and that it's what he needs to do right now. He said he won't/can't do to me what he's been doing, which was basically becoming more and more consumed by work, which put our relationship on the back burner.

 

Whenever I wanted to talk about the possibility of us getting back together, he just told me he wasn't going to go there. When I pushed more, he said I just need to move on, because he can't make any promises and that it wouldn't be fair. He said, "You know how I feel, but this is a breakup. It's what is best for both of us." In some ways, I admire that he can make the decisions that I can't make for us.

 

I said, "Why can't you just tell me how you feel about me?" He said, "Because, that won't be productive!" He was very clear that this is what needed to happen and the reason is basically his career and that he wants to focus on it, and can't give me what I need right now. He even said, "God, I'm becoming my dad."

 

I am OK with this. He told me that he loves me, cares about me immensely, misses me, but he said them as facts, not as a way to toy with me. He said he wants to still talk to me, but I said I might not be able to do that in order to move on, and he said that was fine if that's what I needed to do.

 

He would not entertain "what ifs" or possibilities of the future. He only said, "Our lives will always be intertwined in some way and that we will cross each other again someday. I'm not going to disappear."

 

I think I have my closure now. Like I said in another thread, I don't think we would have worked out in the long-term, basically because of the importance he puts on his work. I just have to learn how to love someone and how to let them go at the same time.

 

PS- the reason he had to get off the phone was because he had to call his dad back about work. It's midnight here!

[Star Gazer]

I don't have any words of advice, because you really don't need it. You're handling it VERY well, PG... (((HUG)))

[USMCHokie]

This is almost exactly how the aftermath of my breakup last year happened...and at the time, all I could think was, "how could she do this to me...?" without considering what was really happening...and looking back on it now, I'm grateful for the strength she showed in ending something that was bound to make us both unhappy...sometimes life just gets in the way...but I'm in a MUCH better place now...and I'm sure she is too...

 

You'll be just fine, pandagirl...

[pandagirl]

I don't have any words of advice, because you really don't need it. You're handling it VERY well, PG... (((HUG)))

 

Thanks, SG! It's weird. This has been the saddest, but the easiest breakup I've ever had. In most of my other breakups, I felt tortured, because I felt deceived or lied to or toyed. But, this guy, he's not like that. He's straight up. It makes a lot of sense why he is friends with a lot of his ex's. Is this what happens when you feel respected? haha.

 

This is almost exactly how the aftermath of my breakup last year happened...and at the time, all I could think was, "how could she do this to me...?" without considering what was really happening...and looking back on it now, I'm grateful for the strength she showed in ending something that was bound to make us both unhappy...sometimes life just gets in the way...but I'm in a MUCH better place now...and I'm sure she is too...

 

You'll be just fine, pandagirl...

 

I will be fine. Thanks USMC.

 

I think I just totally understand why this had to end. Maybe it's because I'm a little older and get that life does get in the way. When I was younger, I might've thought his reasons for breaking up with me were BS, like: "If you REALLY loved me, you'd make this work!!!" But I get that relationships don't work like that. People are moving at different speeds. We're 1000 miles apart. There are a lot of variables to life.

 

In a way, I think him breaking up with me, saved us from hating each other. Like I said before, he does the things I am too weak to do. I would have never broken up with him.

 

Now, thinking about him dating someone else? That makes my head spin and want to vomit. But, baby steps.

[pandagirl]

I just realized: despite him telling me he loved me about five times, he's probably not in love with anymore.

 

[Star Gazer]

Thanks, SG! It's weird. This has been the saddest, but the easiest breakup I've ever had. In most of my other breakups, I felt tortured, because I felt deceived or lied to or toyed. But, this guy, he's not like that. He's straight up. It makes a lot of sense why he is friends with a lot of his ex's. Is this what happens when you feel respected? haha.

 

Even though I did feel lied to and misled by Skiman, I also felt like the breakup was the most respectful one I've ever had. It totally could have been better (particularly in how his parents treated me ), but looking back he really did handle the entire thing with class. And I did too, and that feels really, really good.

 

Keep your chin up .

[Don Ho]

I just realized: despite him telling me he loved me about five times, he's probably not in love with anymore.

 

Uh Oh... there you go starting to obsess! I think the way he talked to you and the way he handled it was very "stand up". He stuck to the facts, did not let you detour the conversation, explained his case and made it all very clear. It's NOT what you wanted to hear, but you have to give him props for doing it like a man and not beating around the bush or just blowing you off. Painful, yes. But I think know that you have all the answers out there, you will be able to move on more easily. Good luck Sista! Keep us posted.

[pandagirl]

Even though I did feel lied to and misled by Skiman, I also felt like the breakup was the most respectful one I've ever had. It totally could have been better (particularly in how his parents treated me ), but looking back he really did handle the entire thing with class. And I did too, and that feels really, really good.

 

Keep your chin up .

 

I remember that his actions were misleading towards you about the future. I don't get why guys particularly do that. My friend's ex always talked to her about what kind of ring she wanted, then broke up with. Go figure.

 

Do you ever talk to Skiman? Would you want to ever be friends with him? I don't know what to do with my ex. I LOVE talking to him. It's so fun. We have so much chemistry and get each other. I'm going to give it some time before I consider it.

[pandagirl]

Uh Oh... there you go starting to obsess! I think the way he talked to you and the way he handled it was very "stand up". He stuck to the facts, did not let you detour the conversation, explained his case and made it all very clear. It's NOT what you wanted to hear, but you have to give him props for doing it like a man and not beating around the bush or just blowing you off. Painful, yes. But I think know that you have all the answers out there, you will be able to move on more easily. Good luck Sista! Keep us posted.

 

You're right. He was just so madly in love with from the start. But even knowing that he genuinely loves me -- his actions showed that -- makes me happy. In love/Love. It's all good.

 

I'm in a calm place now. He set my mind at ease. If we can move past this transition stage, I hope we can be really good friends. I can't imagine my life without him. He's a good person.

[shadowplay]

I'm impressed too, Panda. I wish I had had handled my breakup this well.

[pandagirl]

I'm impressed too, Panda. I wish I had had handled my breakup this well.

 

Well, I've got some years on ya.

 

But, if it makes you feel better, the first 8 hours of our breakup, I did everything you're not supposed to do. I texted him. Emailed him. Called him. IMed. To the point that he had to block me on IM, to which i found him on another username, and IMed him again.

 

It was a flurry of activity,

 

Fortunately, my ex is a patient man. We used to joke that we were like Lucy and Desi. I was the emotional, silly lady, and he was the exasperated boyfriend.

 

I wasn't always like this. When I was 24, it took me two years to get over this horrible guy I dated. This recent ex is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever had. My best friend said to me: "I know you broke up, but congratulations on a healthy relationship."

[shadowplay]

so back to OKCupid for ya?

[shadowplay]

Well, I've got some years on ya.

 

But, if it makes you feel better, the first 8 hours of our breakup, I did everything you're not supposed to do. I texted him. Emailed him. Called him. IMed. To the point that he had to block me on IM, to which i found him on another username, and IMed him again.

 

It was a flurry of activity,

 

Fortunately, my ex is a patient man. We used to joke that we were like Lucy and Desi. I was the emotional, silly lady, and he was the exasperated boyfriend.

 

I wasn't always like this. When I was 24, it took me two years to get over this horrible guy I dated. This recent ex is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever had. My best friend said to me: "I know you broke up, but congratulations on a healthy relationship."

 

Oh man. I don't think I've ever had a "dignified" breakup. The closest I came was a breakup I don't even remember because our relationship imperceptibly morphed into friends with benefits and then just friends (it was what I wanted). But usually I'm bawling and pleading. I don't take rejection well, even if I'm not that crazy about the guy. I hope my next breakup is a step up.

[pandagirl]

so back to OKCupid for ya?

 

HELL NO. haha.

 

Honestly, even if I do get back to online dating, I'm avoiding OKCupid, because I don't want to know what my ex is up to. That would upset me too much right now.

 

I met my last three boyfriends all online. All cool guys, especially this last one. But I'd really love to meet someone off-line now. I'm nowhere near being ready to date, but there is ONE guy that I've always had a crush on. Maybe in a month or two, I can see what's up. Actually, ew, even typing that made me feel weird.

 

This is a tangent, but so many people get upset when their ex's start dating again. I think it hurts when they REALLY find someone, but I've seen SO many of my friends date a lot, while still being in love with their ex. I think people move on from their last love, but they're never really replaced until a person finds love again.

[pandagirl]

Oh man. I don't think I've ever had a "dignified" breakup. The closest I came was a breakup I don't even remember because our relationship imperceptibly morphed into friends with benefits and then just friends (it was what I wanted). But usually I'm bawling and pleading. I don't take rejection well, even if I'm not that crazy about the guy. I hope my next breakup is a step up.

 

It's because you need to be validated. I was like that too. Like, "Wait, you don't want me anymore? What's wrong with me? Something is wrong with me. I suck. Make me feel like I don't suck!!!"

 

With this relationship, I had my faults for sure, but I know I'm awesome. In fact, he probably will never find someone better! haha.

[shadowplay]

HELL NO. haha.

 

Honestly, even if I do get back to online dating, I'm avoiding OKCupid, because I don't want to know what my ex is up to. That would upset me too much right now.

 

I met my last three boyfriends all online. All cool guys, especially this last one. But I'd really love to meet someone off-line now. I'm nowhere near being ready to date, but there is ONE guy that I've always had a crush on. Maybe in a month or two, I can see what's up. Actually, ew, even typing that made me feel weird.

 

This is a tangent, but so many people get upset when their ex's start dating again. I think it hurts when they REALLY find someone, but I've seen SO many of my friends date a lot, while still being in love with their ex. I think people move on from their last love, but they're never really replaced until a person finds love again.

 

Yeah, it kind of sucked when I saw my ex's profile pop up after we broke up, especially because we met in real life so I wasn't at all expecting to see him on there.

 

But you know you can always hide him right, so his profile never comes up?

[Silvaria]

I LOVE talking to him. It's so fun. We have so much chemistry and get each other. I'm going to give it some time before I consider it.

Yes...this is exactly how I feel. Even though he dumped me 1 month and 2 days ago, and has been mean on a few occasions since, for the most part, our conversations are fun, we understand each other, and there is still an undeniable amount of chemistry there. It's why NC is very, very hard for me. I don't want to give up what is still a good relationship...of course, the downside is that everytime we talk "as friends", I die a little inside, because I want to tell him that I love him, that I can't wait to see him again, that I want to....well, you get the idea.

 

So, how are you handling that? Is there any part of you that is screaming inside when you talk as "friends", that wishes it was back to the way it used to be?

[Kamille]

I'm glad it went well Panda and that you posted about it.

 

That way, you have a record of how peaceful and respected you felt after the talk. Come back to it if obsessive thoughts hound you down.

 

And, since you are dealing with heartbreak, it might happen. Heartbreak hurts no matter what. I think our minds play tricks us as we try to deal with the pain and confusion. In my case it feels like I'm looking for a quick-fix for the pain and I think if only I could find a proper explanation for the pain, then it will go away. Often it's just accepting that it's normal that it hurts that has helped me step away from obsessive-destructive thought patterns.

 

You're doing so good. I have to echo your friend's congrats: Congratulations on a healthy relationship Panda!

[abeja_reina_1989]

Good for you! It's always nice to have that conversation after everyone is over the past and moving or moved on. Last time I talked to my ex it was like that and it was just perfect closure for both of us.

[pandagirl]

So, how are you handling that? Is there any part of you that is screaming inside when you talk as "friends", that wishes it was back to the way it used to be?

 

Well, it's only been one week for me. I'm not planning on talking to him frequently, because it will confuse me. I would suggest you do the same.

 

If you don't want to lose your friendship, you don't have to, but you have to get to move on first. Then you can return to talking to him, and it will be less painful.

 

I'm glad it went well Panda and that you posted about it.

 

That way, you have a record of how peaceful and respected you felt after the talk. Come back to it if obsessive thoughts hound you down.

 

And, since you are dealing with heartbreak, it might happen. Heartbreak hurts no matter what. I think our minds play tricks us as we try to deal with the pain and confusion. In my case it feels like I'm looking for a quick-fix for the pain and I think if only I could find a proper explanation for the pain, then it will go away. Often it's just accepting that it's normal that it hurts that has helped me step away from obsessive-destructive thought patterns.

 

You're doing so good. I have to echo your friend's congrats: Congratulations on a healthy relationship Panda!

 

Yeah, that's what I do. I try to find an answer to my pain. Definitive answers. Which there aren't any of it. I do need to remember that it's normal that it hurts.

 

Right now, I'm experiencing some anger. Like, your work is so much more important than a relationship with someone you love. He's going to be successful, so doubt, but at what cost? Talking to him last night, he was a little drunk, which I worry about, because the more he works, I think the more he drinks. Anyway, his life is built around his work. I admire that from afar, but I HATE it. He's going to become his dad, which is what he didn't want.

 

I talked to an girlfriend of mine who also has an ex in the same profession, she told me: 'You'll look back at the time with relief. Now I'm with someone who wants to spend time with me and doesn't work 24/7."