Dating Multiple Women But Not Sure How to Handle One

[Mike B.]

I recently moved to a new town early this summer. I was hoping to just find a nice woman and get a good long term relationship going. I am usually not the type to date multiple women at once but I just gave up on finding that one special person and decided to just start going all out and dating. So I am currently dating 5-6 women now. The sixth one is kind of iffy right now so I am just allowing her to hang in the background although she is decent company. I really enjoy three of them and have been on multiple dates with them all.

 

There is one that I really enjoy her company as well. I will call her Kelly. We met while I was out shopping one day. We had sex a couple of times and each time is great to say the least. I can tell that I am not the usual kind of guy she dates. I can just tell she usually goes for the more of a bad boy type after talking to her. I think she mostly initially got into me due to more of a physical attraction because she told me that I was exceptionally handsome when we first met and really started to express interest right away.

 

She is very fun to hang out with and has a good sense of humor even though I tease her a bit. We laugh a lot. She takes it well and tries to dish it back too and we just laugh it off. I get the feeling that she is getting more into me and I do like her. She completely treated me out on our third date even though I am sure I make much more money than her but she insisted on paying for the whole night. She does seem to make a decent living.

 

It seems as if she is investing in me. She is always asking me questions about my favorites movies, books, family, hobbies. She just basically shows a lot of interest in me when we are together. I have only called her about 3 times since we have been dating and we have been out on 4 dates already. She asked me out for the last two dates and even offered to pay for the 4th date. She does not call me. She really doesn’t initiate much contact all that often but is ready to talk, quick to respond to emails or meet when I ask.

 

Here is the deal: I am dating two other women who I like almost as much as Keely and I want to keep dating them. One of the other women I would choose for a LTR if I had to make a choice. All of them are very pleasant. I don’t want to speed things up too quick with Kelly because I am concerned that she will eventually start moving in for a relationship and she is not exclusive relationship material for a reason that I won’t go into.

 

What I am unsure of is how often I should call her. I want to call her enough to not make her think I am not just blowing her off or to avoid her losing interest in me. She is a pretty woman so I am sure she is probably dating others as well. That is ok but I am just wondering if I should I call every few days for small talk, just keep doing what I am doing and call once a week, or I will need to call more often or she will begin to wonder if she slept with me too soon or something. I want the sex to keep coming for sure and I do want to continue to see her.

 

I just don’t know how to juggle women like this very well. Each time I have tried it in the past, one of them would soon pull me into a LTR and I would be thankful because I would no longer have to worry about keeping up with them all but I just want to date now and don’t want to be pulled into a LTR at this time. I don’t ask any of these women about who they are dating. One openly talks about it but I don’t mind and she asks me about my other dates but it doesn’t go deep at all. I assume that we all are dating others.

 

I should say that I hate talking on the phone too and I obviously can't spend a lot of time with all these women or else I won't be able to do much of any thing else.

 

Maybe the women can be of help here. If you were having sex with a guy and really interested in him but dating others, would you expect him to call you often? Would you expect more if you were having sex with him?

Edited September 9, 2010 by Mike B.

[D-Lish]

I'd say, if you are sensing that this Kelly girl is developing genuine feelings for you, and you don't see yourself developing stronger feelings for her- that you should bail.

 

I am all about muti-dating- but when someone develops feelings and you can't return the sentiment, it's best not to lead them on further.

 

It simply wouldn't be a nice thing to do.

[CLC2008]

That's a lot of text.

 

But I think the question you need to ask yourself is...

 

What are you looking to get out of the current set-up?

 

As to the last question, as long as he was forthcoming about dating others, then it wouldn't really be my place to "expect" more.

[Land Shark]

I can only ever date one girl at a time. I like them too much to be devious.

[Mike B.]

I'd say, if you are sensing that this Kelly girl is developing genuine feelings for you, and you don't see yourself developing stronger feelings for her- that you should bail.

 

I am all about muti-dating- but when someone develops feelings and you can't return the sentiment, it's best not to lead them on further.

 

It simply wouldn't be a nice thing to do.

 

 

What I am saying is that Kelly seem she is really liking me and I do like her but she is not exclusive relationship material. She is the best sex I have had in over a year, fun to hang with, has a nice personality and good looking. Come on, you just don't let someone like that just go because she is developing feelings for you and you won't be able to go into a LTR with her. Would you honestly do that? I mean be really honest? If you were dating the man equivalent of this.

 

 

That's a lot of text.

 

But I think the question you need to ask yourself is...

 

What are you looking to get out of the current set-up?

 

As to the last question, as long as he was forthcoming about dating others, then it wouldn't really be my place to "expect" more. [/Quote]

 

I've seen a lot longer posts than my one Word document page of text here. What I am looking for out of my current setup is to finally just let my hair down and have some good ol dating fun. I have spent years trying to find someone who I could get into as much as my past fiance.' Someone that I could eventually married. I gave up after much disappointment and realized that I only live once and that I have been wasting my time focusing on one woman in hopes she will be wife material one day. I put too much pressure on myself. I want to just enjoy dating multiple people now and if the right one come along then great.

 

Land Shark, dating multiple women is only devious when you lie to any of them and tell them you are exclusive with them. I don't do that. I think we all know that we date other people. Only one has straight out told me but it has been hinted at in the other situations.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Mike B.

[D-Lish]

What I am saying is that Kelly seem she is really liking me and I do like her but she is not exclusive relationship material. She is the best sex I have had in over a year, fun to hang with, has a nice personality and good looking. Come on, you just don't let someone like that just go because she is developing feelings for you and you won't be able to go into a LTR with her. Would you honestly do that? I mean be really honest? If you were dating the man equivalent of this.

 

Well I did find myself in this situation after I divorced- the guy was the best lay I'd ever had in my life. When he declared his love for me, I walked. I couldn't in good conscience stay with him.

 

 

I've seen a lot longer post than my one Word document page of text here. What I am looking for out of my current setup is to finally just let my hair down and have some good ol dating fun. I have spent years trying to find someone who I could get into as much as my past fiance. Someone that I could eventually married. I gave up and realized that I only live and that I have been wasting my time focusing on one woman in hopes she will be wife material one day. I put too much pressure on myself. I want to just enjoy dating multiple people now and if the right one come along then fine.

 

Sure, it's fun, and it's a fun place to be in emotionally- but if the girl likes you way more than you like her- you're going to hurt her.

 

Land Shark, dating multiple women is only devious when you lie to any of them and tell them you are exclusive with them. I don't do that. I think we all know that we date other people. Only one has straight out told me but it has been hinted at in the other situations.

 

At some point you have to take their feelings into consideration though. And unless you are being upfront to the point where you tell someone outright that you are never going to be serious about them, you are misleading them.

[dispatch3d]

google mltr, or "multiple long term relationships"

 

svengali (I think thats what it is) has some good rules in a somewhat condensed spot on fastseduction.com archives. Mrsex4you has very uncondensed guidelines in the archives there as well. This is all the free stuff I can think of off the top of my head.

 

I don't have mltr's so I can't help you.

[CLC2008]

I see what you are saying, and I agree with most of it, but here is where things could get messy....

 

What I am saying is that Kelly seem she is really liking me and I do like her but she is not exclusive relationship material. She is the best sex I have had in over a year, fun to hang with, has a nice personality and good looking. Come on, you just don't let someone like that just go because she is developing feelings for you and you won't be able to go into a LTR with her. Would you honestly do that? I mean be really honest? If you were dating the man equivalent of this.

[meerkat stew]

If she is just developing feelings, let it continue. I don't see evidence that she only wants an exclusive relationship. If she is actively starting exclusive talks, and you don't want that, time to let her down and move on. Sometimes you can be surprised to find that despite someone seemingly developing feelings, they have other options going just like you. Don't ditch out too fast on a good thing that both are enjoying.

[Mike B.]

If she is just developing feelings, let it continue. I don't see evidence that she only wants an exclusive relationship. If she is actively starting exclusive talks, and you don't want that, time to let her down and move on. Sometimes you can be surprised to find that despite someone seemingly developing feelings, they have other options going just like you. Don't ditch out too fast on a good thing that both are enjoying.

 

 

This is my thought exactly. Don't you want them to have feelings for you and be really into you? You wouldn't want a cold emotionless person. I just am not sure how to balance things so I can keep it going at this pace. I am not sure how much I need to do. I definitely want to continue to date her but she is not my number one choice if I had to choose.

 

I am sure other guys are all over her and that she is enjoying them as well.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Mike B.

[CLC2008]

Here is an article that you may find to be helpful:

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Surefire-Rules-For-Dating-Multiple-Women&id=565651

[Philetus]

What I am unsure of is how often I should call her. I want to call her enough to not make her think I am not just blowing her off or to avoid her losing interest in me. She is a pretty woman so I am sure she is probably dating others as well. That is ok but I am just wondering if I should I call every few days for small talk, just keep doing what I am doing and call once a week, or I will need to call more often or she will begin to wonder if she slept with me too soon or something. I want the sex to keep coming for sure and I do want to continue to see her.

 

Back when I was multidating, I never called anyone on the phone. It was text and email only. Usually, those were to set up the next dates or brief, flirty conversations.

 

If you want to call her, I'd do the same. Use the calls just to arrange future dates and flirty small talk. Once you've got a date set, don't call again.

[Mike B.]

Here is an article that you may find to be helpful:

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Surefire-Rules-For-Dating-Multiple-Women&id=565651

 

 

Thanks for the link! So far I am following all of the rules. I always treat the women I date with respect and I am truthful. Again, some of them don't go into much detail about who they are dating but I think we all kind of hint at it and avoid probing.

 

Kelly just emailed me to find out how my week is going. I kept it short but kind of feel that I have to call her tomorrow now which will be tough since I have a date with the main one I am attracted to tomorrow evening and another one Friday evening. I am not going to throw in the towel this time. I think my rush to jump into a LTR in the past was the root to where I ended up before I decided to date multiple women.

 

I am starting to feel that this is probably the route I should have persisted on years ago. I am finding that things are so much more pleasant. Whereas when I would date one woman at a time in the past with some uncertainty in the beginning, all of the these dating relationships are jumping off to a great start except for that 6th one I spoke of above which started off great until we both became really guarded. I feel that not focusing on one of them too much is helping this whole thing work so far but I just don't know how much is enough. According to the above article, some will eventually phase out. Right now, I don't want either of them to.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Mike B.

[Mike B.]

Back when I was multidating, I never called anyone on the phone. It was text and email only. Usually, those were to set up the next dates or brief, flirty conversations.

 

If you want to call her, I'd do the same. Use the calls just to arrange future dates and flirty small talk. Once you've got a date set, don't call again.

 

That pretty much what I have been doing so far. I think this is probably the way to handle it. I will just email her tomorrow to set up a date and maybe try to see her once a week. I just don't want her to think she is maybe doing something wrong and avoid me altogether.

[CLC2008]

Thanks for the link! So far I am following all of the rules. I always treat the women I date with respect and I am truthful. Again, some of them don't go into much detail about who they are dating but I think we all kind of hint at it and avoid probing.

 

Kelly just emailed me to find out how my week is going. I kept it short but kind of feel that I have to call her tomorrow now which will be tough since I have a date with the main one I am attracted to tomorrow evening and another one Friday evening. I am not going to throw in the towel this time. I think my rush to jump into a LTR in the past was the root to where I ended up before I decided to date multiple women.

 

I am starting to feel that this is probably the route I should have persisted on years ago. I am finding that things are so much more pleasant. Whereas when I would date one woman at a time in the past with some uncertainty in the beginning, all of the these dating relationships are jumping off to a great start except for that 6th one I spoke of above which started off great until we both became really guarded. I feel that not focusing on one of them too much is helping this whole thing work so far but I just don't know how much is enough. According to the above article, some will eventually phase out. Right now, I don't want either of them to.

 

I googled "multi-dating women", and that's what popped up.

 

I casually dated someone for a year, and there was never an issue with it because he was brutally honest upfront and told me he wasn't interested in a relationship. Which looking back, worked out for the best anyway because after my last LTR ended, I was not in a "jump into a new relationship" frame of mind either.

[Mike B.]

I googled "multi-dating women", and that's what popped up.

 

I casually dated someone for a year, and there was never an issue with it because he was brutally honest upfront and told me he wasn't interested in a relationship. Which looking back, worked out for the best anyway because after my last LTR ended, I was not in a "jump into a new relationship" frame of mind either.

 

 

Me too. After my last two relationships and really trying hard to be an ideal guy, it really didn't produce great results considering that we are no longer together. I was thinking about finding someone I could settle down with and think I was just too uptight about the whole process.

 

One thing I have never done is really persist with this multidating thing and I am just going to ride this out and see where it takes me. Instead of focusing on one woman maybe I can cover much more ground while just enjoying myself and not committing to anyone. I am starting to think that this is really the way to do this.

[CLC2008]

Me too. After my last two relationships and really trying hard to be an ideal guy, it really didn't produce great results considering that we are no longer together. I was thinking about finding someone I could settle down with and think I was just too uptight about the whole process.

 

One thing I have never done is really persist with this multidating thing and I am just going to ride this out and see where it takes me. Instead of focusing on one woman maybe I can cover much more ground while just enjoying myself and not committing to anyone. I am starting to think that this is really the way to do this.

 

Cover more ground, eh?

 

Well, as long as you and the women you date have an idea of where things stand, if it works...it works.

[Mike B.]

Cover more ground, eh?

 

Well, as long as you and the women you date have an idea of where things stand, if it works...it works.

 

 

It seems to be working but I do want to make it clear that only one of the women I am dating really openly discuss with me about dating other men. The a couple of others discuss it too but it just brief and superficial. The other two just hint at it but there are no details. I don't probe and they don't.

 

The crazy thing about it is that the one who I would choose for a LTR if I had to, she at first made it clear that when we first starting hanging out that she was just looking for a friendship. We were just hanging out as friends and I told her that I already had my hands fulls with other women that I was dating and was not looking for more people to date. The first time we hung out, I held her apartment door open for her while she walked through and she told me that this was not a date and thatdidn't have to do it. I told her that I won't stop being who I am just because I am not on a date.

 

It seems as if the more she learned about the other women I was dating, the more she became attracted to me. She then started calling me up every few days to set up dates and wanted to start officially dating. She would already have a place picked out and every thing. She told me initially that she did not go out on weekdays and her calendar seemed to always be filled to the brim. Now that calendar is wide open and I just have to pick the day I want to go out. So, yes, it is working.

[meerkat stew]

It seems as if the more she learned about the other women I was dating, the more she became attracted to me.

 

Ya reckon?

 

She then started calling me up every few days to set up dates and wanted to start officially dating. She would already have a place picked out and every thing. She told me initially that she did not go out on weekdays and her calendar seemed to always be filled to the brim. Now that calendar is wide open and I just have to pick the day I want to go out. So, yes, it is working.

 

I wish all the dudes on LS who are having female troubles with flaking, low interest, bad treatment, etc. would read the above paragraph over and over and over until it sinks in.

[CLC2008]

It seems to be working but I do want to make it clear that only one of the women I am dating really openly discuss with me about dating other men. The a couple of others discuss it too but it just brief and superficial. The other two just hint at it but there are no details. I don't probe and they don't.

 

The crazy thing about it is that the one who I would choose for a LTR if I had to, she at first made it clear that when we first starting hanging out that she was just looking for a friendship. We were just hanging out as friends and I told her that I already had my hands fulls with other women that I was dating and was not looking for more people to date. The first time we hung out, I held her apartment door open for her while she walked through and she told me that this was not a date and thatdidn't have to do it. I told her that I won't stop being who I am just because I am not on a date.

 

It seems as if the more she learned about the other women I was dating, the more she became attracted to me. She then started calling me up every few days to set up dates and wanted to start officially dating. She would already have a place picked out and every thing. She told me initially that she did not go out on weekdays and her calendar seemed to always be filled to the brim. Now that calendar is wide open and I just have to pick the day I want to go out. So, yes, it is working.

 

Gotcha.

 

Well, you don't have to make it clear to us, as long as you are aware and the women you include in your life are okay with your/their involvement, then things will work out as they are meant to.

[Philetus]

That pretty much what I have been doing so far. I think this is probably the way to handle it. I will just email her tomorrow to set up a date and maybe try to see her once a week. I just don't want her to think she is maybe doing something wrong and avoid me altogether.

 

 

If you have a date set up all will be well. I don't see why she'd think she's doing something wrong if you have plans to get together?

 

Just don't blow those plans off for any reason or she'll definitely think something's up.

 

If I hadn't spoken/seen someone for a few days, what I would do is send a text like, "Hey, did I ever tell you how incredibly hot you are?"

[Philetus]

Kelly just emailed me to find out how my week is going. I kept it short but kind of feel that I have to call her tomorrow now which will be tough since I have a date with the main one I am attracted to tomorrow evening and another one Friday evening. I am not going to throw in the towel this time. I think my rush to jump into a LTR in the past was the root to where I ended up before I decided to date multiple women.

 

 

I loved multidating for a time. It did get exhausting though. Juggling up to six people takes a lot of work. Eventually, it stopped being as fun as it was and I started to dig the idea of being with one person. I started to, get this, fantasize about meeting someone' family. How's that for weird?

 

As soon as I changed my mindset, I picked one within a week. I'm now in a LTR that is 100% exclusive and I'm thrilled. I want to plan the rest of my life with this person.

 

Enjoy multidating, but you don't know how you'll feel about it vs. LTR a month from now.

 

Good luck!

[Philetus]

multidating is easy if you know what you're doing. piss woman 1 off and you have five others waiting for you. its nice.

 

No, if you're a jerk, it would become insanely hard. People talk. You don't burn bridges.

 

The trick is not to piss anyone off and that is not easy. I live in a city of over 2.5 million people, but I dated one woman who, turned out, was in a dance class w/ my ex-wife. I dated two women who (I didn't know) turned out were best friends. Point being, even a large city is a small community and you want women to say nice things about you.

 

Of all the women I dated, only one ended badly. I actually maintain a certain level of friendship with some of them.

[Mike B.]

I loved multidating for a time. It did get exhausting though. Juggling up to six people takes a lot of work. Eventually, it stopped being as fun as it was and I started to dig the idea of being with one person. I started to, get this, fantasize about meeting someone' family. How's that for weird?

 

As soon as I changed my mindset, I picked one within a week. I'm now in a LTR that is 100% exclusive and I'm thrilled. I want to plan the rest of my life with this person.

 

Enjoy multidating, but you don't know how you'll feel about it vs. LTR a month from now.

 

Good luck!

 

 

It may get exhuasting eventually but I am really enjoying it now. The only thing that kind of annoys me sometimes is the maintenance. It can be distracting. Just when I say "ok I am not going out with anyone Wednesday and Thursday and I am just going to spend time with my dog and run errands" someone calls up all excited about some place to go. I hate to say it but I have a hard time turning down the dates right now just because things are still sort of fresh and, frankly, I just want to have fun and just take this as far as I can for now. I went out on a date with the woman I would choose for a LTR tonight, have one coming over to watch a movie tomorrow, and another I am going hiking with on Saturday morning. Meeting up with a woman I just met today on Sunday and I am going out with Kelly again Monday.

 

It feels great to be going in a new direction with dating. I have been feeling better about it and I can tell it is showing in my whole swagger. I was really flattered that a woman approached me today in a parking lot at the grocery store just after I got out of my car. I can't recall the last time a woman actually approached me on the streets. I thought those days were over for me a long time ago. I set up to meet with her this Sunday as I said before.

 

 

I used to dress kind of plain but I am putting more care into my outfits now. I used to never care about my shoes and now my shoes are all designer, crisp and shiny. My clothes are mostly dry cleaned and I keep nice colognes. I am always getting compliments and stares at work now from my female coworkers. Women are coming to sit and talk with me at work. This is all a great ego boost. I was feeling kind of down for a while after my last two failed relationships even though I feel that I tried hard in them. I feel this is the sort of thing I need to refresh me. I won't just jump into a LTR this time. I will date and date for now and who I end up with in the end will hopefully be someone I can really have something with. I won't get my hopes up too high anymore though. Maybe I just need to change my mindset altogether.

Edited September 10, 2010 by Mike B.