whattodonow12 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I thought that I would share a bit of information and see what you guys thought. Maybe this will help someone else. The advice that I have received here has been invaluable to me. First, a bit of background. I was in an affair with a MM(mainly EA, but PA once). It didn't start that way, but ended that way. He told me that he was in the process of leaving his wife. I was in the process of leaving my husband. We had been friends in college and spent a lot of time talking and talking. I divorced, but he didn't. We were discovered, and he immediately lied to his wife about our relationship. I was basically thrown under the bus, as it is put here many times. We went NC. It was very hard. I was heart-broken. But, I picked myself up and moved on. You can read some of my first posts if you want to read more info. I actually reconnected with a man that I have known my whole life when we crossed paths late last year. He had been divorced for 5 years and my divorce was to be final within a month or so when we started dating. We fell in love. I found in him so many things that I had been lacking in my previous relationships. We were married this year and very happy. I didn't think it was possible So, here we are. MM starts contacting me again. He wants to start back up just like we were before, and it has been a year!(we had very limited contact during this time with an email here and there. I think mainly because we had been friends before) His wife was monitoring his email and he said he felt like he was under a microscope. He professed his love for me, said that he couldn't leave because of his kids, and that he was happy for me. He knew that I had gotten married. And, he still tried to draw me into engaging in an affair with him after all this time. He says that he can't get over the connection that we had and he never will. He will always want and love me. I did let him know right away that it will not happen. I love my husband and have the life that I want and deserve. It seems lately that I have seen several posts of OW wondering whether MM will come back or not. I can say that it is possible, even after a year. Just make sure you move on with the life that you want and deserve, regardless. I decided that if I wanted more out of my life, that I needed to put myself in the position to get more out of my life. And, that is exactly what I did. But, I have wondered if this is typical. I felt that he loved me, but is this how you treat someone that you love? I don't think so. He said that he was in survival mode to not lose the life that he had and access to his children at the time(more so that saving his marriage). Then, why come back and want to do it now? He says that he just can't get over what we had. He realizes now that he will never have that special relationship with someone and it makes him very sad. My reply was that he needed to seek additional counseling with his wife to address what is missing in their marriage, not seek me out once again. I think it is selfish for him to do this now. I guess it is okay to him to attempt to destroy what I have for myself now. I won't put myself in that situation. My thoughts are that the dust has settled on his end, and he is still left with an unfulfilling marriage. But, he is not doing anything to change it. I have a strength that I never knew that I had. And, it feels good.
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Yes, an empty shell marriage, that is what they end up with. No fun at all. Glad to hear you are doing so well! :bunny:
SouthernLady Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I just wanted to let you know that I am glad you were able to stay strong. I can imagine you felt as though you claimed your life back in a way. With hard work I hope to make it to that place should my ex MM contact me.
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Congrats on your marriage! I was really struck by the "as if nothing happened" portion of his coming back. I guess he thought he could tell you nice flowery things about the "connection" you shared, and how much he "loved" you, and all the I-never-meant-for-things-to-turn-out-this-way-but-I'll-never-forget-you language and you would feel swept away by the empty words and jump right into another A with him again. Some would, though. He was probably hoping you were one of those people. Don't be surprised if he pours it on thick again. You were married when you were with him before, so he likely think he has an inside track to what motivates you. But, really, Congrats on the Marriage!!
MorningCoffee Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I thought that I would share a bit of information and see what you guys thought. Maybe this will help someone else. The advice that I have received here has been invaluable to me. First, a bit of background. I was in an affair with a MM(mainly EA, but PA once). It didn't start that way, but ended that way. He told me that he was in the process of leaving his wife. I was in the process of leaving my husband. We had been friends in college and spent a lot of time talking and talking. I divorced, but he didn't. We were discovered, and he immediately lied to his wife about our relationship. I was basically thrown under the bus, as it is put here many times. We went NC. It was very hard. I was heart-broken. But, I picked myself up and moved on. You can read some of my first posts if you want to read more info. I actually reconnected with a man that I have known my whole life when we crossed paths late last year. He had been divorced for 5 years and my divorce was to be final within a month or so when we started dating. We fell in love. I found in him so many things that I had been lacking in my previous relationships. We were married this year and very happy. I didn't think it was possible So, here we are. MM starts contacting me again. He wants to start back up just like we were before, and it has been a year!(we had very limited contact during this time with an email here and there. I think mainly because we had been friends before) His wife was monitoring his email and he said he felt like he was under a microscope. He professed his love for me, said that he couldn't leave because of his kids, and that he was happy for me. He knew that I had gotten married. And, he still tried to draw me into engaging in an affair with him after all this time. He says that he can't get over the connection that we had and he never will. He will always want and love me. I did let him know right away that it will not happen. I love my husband and have the life that I want and deserve. It seems lately that I have seen several posts of OW wondering whether MM will come back or not. I can say that it is possible, even after a year. Just make sure you move on with the life that you want and deserve, regardless. I decided that if I wanted more out of my life, that I needed to put myself in the position to get more out of my life. And, that is exactly what I did. But, I have wondered if this is typical. I felt that he loved me, but is this how you treat someone that you love? I don't think so. He said that he was in survival mode to not lose the life that he had and access to his children at the time(more so that saving his marriage). Then, why come back and want to do it now? He says that he just can't get over what we had. He realizes now that he will never have that special relationship with someone and it makes him very sad. My reply was that he needed to seek additional counseling with his wife to address what is missing in their marriage, not seek me out once again. I think it is selfish for him to do this now. I guess it is okay to him to attempt to destroy what I have for myself now. I won't put myself in that situation. My thoughts are that the dust has settled on his end, and he is still left with an unfulfilling marriage. But, he is not doing anything to change it. I have a strength that I never knew that I had. And, it feels good. Good for you. Did you share this contact from the exAP with your husband? CC: him on the email, or whatever? I would think it is important he be in the loop on this from the gitgo.
Silly_Girl Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Great post!!! Congrats on getting to where you are, from where you were. All the best for the future!!
siuys Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Good for you. Sounds like you've moved on, claimed your life back, and he hasn't. Seeking you out is a shortcut and toxic way of solving his own problems. If he cannot work things out at home, he really should think about leaving and be on his own for a little bit. I don't have kids so I guess easy for me to say just leave but why stay in an empty shell marriage? Destroys more than one life for goodness sake! You've done so well i am happy for you.
TigerCub Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Good for you sweetie! Congrats on the marriage and for being smart/strong enough to find your happiness. I like this story - its a happy one
jj33 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 (edited) As if nothing happened. I think hes seen Ground Hogs Day way too many times. He doesnt LOOK like Bill Murray and I dont look like Andrea McDowelll but each time, it was as if NOTHING had happened. Finally I stopped being polite about it and then it stopped. But for almost 2 years it was the same thing (with little variations to keep it fresh:rolleyes:) We were in contact in the interim and only for business so each time it was out of the blue (i mean do you regularly contact your colleagues the way you would an AP? I dont, I know he doesnt...) I think it goes back to you cant blame a guy for trying... A nicer way of saying it would be to say he misses you and cant help himself. But that only goes so far. Back to the title of that old book If You Cant Live Without Me Why Arent You Dead Yet? And congrats on healing your marriage and not going back to that Its kind of insulting actually to be told I couldnt contact you because I was being monitored but now the coast is clear so you can be my little secret again (gee thanks...) He never said that to me but it doesnt matter. Coming back with nothing more is not a compliment in my book. Its gee I have some free time on my hands how about you? Edited September 9, 2010 by jj33
2sure Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Oh yes. Just yesterday I posted about a MM that contacted me years after our affair...after I was married to someone else. You might consider that since he knew he was not leaving his wife...when you were single/divorcing you were more of a risk for HIM. Now that you are married...you would need to use just as much discretion as him because you have the same to lose. Its insulting when you think about it. Maybe thats it maybe not...but , stay clear. If his wife catches him emailing you...she will tell your new husband.
jthorne Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 (edited) Oh yes. Just yesterday I posted about a MM that contacted me years after our affair...after I was married to someone else. You might consider that since he knew he was not leaving his wife...when you were single/divorcing you were more of a risk for HIM. Now that you are married...you would need to use just as much discretion as him because you have the same to lose. Its insulting when you think about it. Maybe thats it maybe not...but , stay clear. If his wife catches him emailing you...she will tell your new husband.yes, yes and yes. I encourage you to tell your new husband that he emailed you. Full disclosure and all that. Edited September 9, 2010 by jthorne
Author whattodonow12 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Thanks for all of your replies. I have had all of those same thoughts. And, yes, I have told my husband. I am not going to take any chances with my relationship for any misunderstanding there.
Author whattodonow12 Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 2sureOh yes. Just yesterday I posted about a MM that contacted me years after our affair...after I was married to someone else. You might consider that since he knew he was not leaving his wife...when you were single/divorcing you were more of a risk for HIM. Now that you are married...you would need to use just as much discretion as him because you have the same to lose. Its insulting when you think about it. Maybe thats it maybe not...but , stay clear. If his wife catches him emailing you...she will tell your new husband. Today 11:13 AM 2sure, I thought the same thing. I actually told him that this way of life is not the way I envision my life. I would not be content to go back to being the "secret," and no matter how he spinned it, I would feel second best. It's not what I want. But, that simply things have changed and they needed to change, one way or another. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for me. I wish he would do what needs to be done to make his life what it should be too. If he is going to stay, he needs to "really" stay and do the right thing for both of them.
2sunny Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think it is selfish for him to do this now. yep, it sure is. My thoughts are that the dust has settled on his end, and he is still left with an unfulfilling marriage. But, he is not doing anything to change it. so true. I have a strength that I never knew that I had. And, it feels good. this is perfect! good for YOU!!!!
Recommended Posts