Breakup even though he treats me like a queen

[WalkInThePark]

He might do this on purpose, as a kind of manipulation. Because it's always about things he planned with you or something he said he would do for you, so it seems abusive to me. Sometimes abuse is very subtle but the purpose is always to control you.

 

I would break up with him, this sounds creepy...

[welikeincrowds]

I dated someone that had a brain tumor and surgery/chemo to fix it, in the past. She wasn't quite right in that we always met in crowded places but she spoke in a volume that would be appropriate if we were alone. So I could never hear her out in public. After 4 dates and struggling to hear the poor girl (and tried to politely get her to speak up) I gave up.

 

I felt bad about it, but I knew it would be a big source of frustration to me in the future.

 

I know that this is a little off-topic, but seriously, I laughed. That **** is straight out of Seinfeld.

 

4givrnt4gtr, you're doing the right thing. This guy has **** to figure out, and that he makes it your responsibility is frightening.

[2sunny]

wow.... I have no idea. Does he have heavy drug use in his past? That goes way beyond "What the Hell?"... that kind of behavior is more like "What the F***?"

 

I'd say greenlight in breaking up over that.

 

Or wait... are you sure your not the one remembering things wrong?

 

Did you ask him where he thought you were going? That sounds like a real problem, he needs to get his noggin checked.

 

He should take some cognitive tests to see if there really is some type of damage from years of drug use. What was his drug of choice? That might shed some light on things.

 

All those drugs you say he did explains it, especially the ones that cause hallucinations (lsd). That actually causes permanent brain damage, to short term memory and reaction times. So it's not likely to get any better. If you love him and don't want to break up with him, you'll have to accept this part of him. Even the ones we love most have really annoying things about them. But if you WANT to break up with him, then do it, I would just come up with a reason better than saying it's because he has too many burnt brain cells.

 

I've known plenty of heavy drug users in my life (unfortunately) and several of them have always had odd behavior even after quitting. Especially heroin or lsd users. That stuff is no joke. It changes people forever, again, even after quitting.

 

can you answer the questions posed that ask about his drug use... you are avoiding answering what is most likely the problem!

 

drugs kill off brain cells - and processing of info... and memory. he's showing signs of what heavy use will do - even if he quit many years ago.

 

the damage cannot be undone - live with it or leave him.

[LoveLace]

well Sunny she did end up saying that he did cocaine, heroin and lsd. If I went out with someone who I KNEW did all that and heavily, I wouldn't even flinch about them acting funny; might get on my nerves a bit but if I loved everything else about him and he had his sh*t together, I probably try to learn to live with it as best I could. But maybe that's easier said than done. Anyway, I find it kind of funny the OP has knowledge of all this past drug use only to seem totally surprised and confused that he has a tendency to forget things at times.

 

It's kind of sad for recovering heavy drug users. Yes they made horrible decisions in their past obviously. Then they are treated, move on with life and make a good life for themselves, in relationships, jobs, etc. The OPs BF is having such a hard time with the break up because recovering addicts have already been through a lot of emotional struggles, and do not handle failure well. (And just the OP knows, I lived with a heavy addict for 2 years, so I know all about manipulation). I do not think he's trying to manipulate you by stating that he won't be able to concentrate on studies because of your break up. More than likely he really WONT be able to. He's saying why did you have to pick this time in my life, a time while i"m trying to excel, to throw me a heart wrenching bomb. Especially one that he doesn't quite understand...because more than likely he does NOT see what you are seeing. All he's thinking is he has done nothing wrong to you and this is all from out of nowhere. You said it yourself that he treated you very well and that you love him and he loves you, etc, so I'm sorry, but don't expect him to take it lying down if you are suddenly dropping him and the whole relationship. Of COURSE he wants you to feel guilty about it. You are breaking his heart! But to say he's being "manipulative" makes you feel like less of a heart breaker; helps to justify why your breaking up. When really the only reason you are is because you are too annoyed by the fact that his brain is not quite as clear and quick as yours.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with him or that it's wrong of you, FYI. We all have our reasons, big or small, regardless what others think, to break up with someone. If you think it's unhealthy, the right is all yours to leave. Your happiness matters. I'm just saying, he will never understand your reasoning because it's not noticeable to him like it is to you. Don't expect him to understand, and expect him to try and make you feel even more guilty post break-up until he's over it.

[4givrnt4gtr]

well Sunny she did end up saying that he did cocaine, heroin and lsd. If I went out with someone who I KNEW did all that and heavily, I wouldn't even flinch about them acting funny; might get on my nerves a bit but if I loved everything else about him and he had his sh*t together, I probably try to learn to live with it as best I could. But maybe that's easier said than done. Anyway, I find it kind of funny the OP has knowledge of all this past drug use only to seem totally surprised and confused that he has a tendency to forget things at times.

 

It's kind of sad for recovering heavy drug users. Yes they made horrible decisions in their past obviously. Then they are treated, move on with life and make a good life for themselves, in relationships, jobs, etc. The OPs BF is having such a hard time with the break up because recovering addicts have already been through a lot of emotional struggles, and do not handle failure well. (And just the OP knows, I lived with a heavy addict for 2 years, so I know all about manipulation). I do not think he's trying to manipulate you by stating that he won't be able to concentrate on studies because of your break up. More than likely he really WONT be able to. He's saying why did you have to pick this time in my life, a time while i"m trying to excel, to throw me a heart wrenching bomb. Especially one that he doesn't quite understand...because more than likely he does NOT see what you are seeing. All he's thinking is he has done nothing wrong to you and this is all from out of nowhere. You said it yourself that he treated you very well and that you love him and he loves you, etc, so I'm sorry, but don't expect him to take it lying down if you are suddenly dropping him and the whole relationship. Of COURSE he wants you to feel guilty about it. You are breaking his heart! But to say he's being "manipulative" makes you feel like less of a heart breaker; helps to justify why your breaking up. When really the only reason you are is because you are too annoyed by the fact that his brain is not quite as clear and quick as yours.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with him or that it's wrong of you, FYI. We all have our reasons, big or small, regardless what others think, to break up with someone. If you think it's unhealthy, the right is all yours to leave. Your happiness matters. I'm just saying, he will never understand your reasoning because it's not noticeable to him like it is to you. Don't expect him to understand, and expect him to try and make you feel even more guilty post break-up until he's over it.

You know you are 100% on point with what you said regarding he drugs etc. I have never known anyone who used drugs so i didnt know what to expect. I also think he doesnt mean to be manipulative but he doesnt know any other way

Unfortunately and as someone mentioned earlier some of his behavior is also extremely close to that of a borderline personality. Ive realized that early in the relationship and even more so after he told me he thought his mom was borderline. Ive tried to deny it for over 6 months and the anxiety is horible.

I talked to him today again and felt horrible. He kept asking me why and i tried to put it all on me but he wouldnt take it. I then tried to explain the real reasons and he wouldnt even let me talk. I totally broke his heart. I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I swear i would give anything to be able to love him despite everything.

This is so painful and horrible

[LoveLace]

You know you are 100% on point with what you said regarding he drugs etc. I have never known anyone who used drugs so i didnt know what to expect. I also think he doesnt mean to be manipulative but he doesnt know any other way

Unfortunately and as someone mentioned earlier some of his behavior is also extremely close to that of a borderline personality. Ive realized that early in the relationship and even more so after he told me he thought his mom was borderline. Ive tried to deny it for over 6 months and the anxiety is horible.

I talked to him today again and felt horrible. He kept asking me why and i tried to put it all on me but he wouldnt take it. I then tried to explain the real reasons and he wouldnt even let me talk. I totally broke his heart. I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I swear i would give anything to be able to love him despite everything.

This is so painful and horrible

 

 

Well sometimes we have to do hard things but it's all because we think it'll make us happier down the line. It will probably be very hard for you both for quite awhile but eventually it will get easier for everyone. Maybe one day he will realize that there are some things he should try to get in control with some kind of therapy, that is if he realizes it hurts his relationships and he's willing to prevent that. Good luck

[Hop_prophet]

well Sunny she did end up saying that he did cocaine, heroin and lsd. If I went out with someone who I KNEW did all that and heavily, I wouldn't even flinch about them acting funny; might get on my nerves a bit but if I loved everything else about him and he had his sh*t together, I probably try to learn to live with it as best I could. But maybe that's easier said than done. Anyway, I find it kind of funny the OP has knowledge of all this past drug use only to seem totally surprised and confused that he has a tendency to forget things at times.

 

It's kind of sad for recovering heavy drug users. Yes they made horrible decisions in their past obviously. Then they are treated, move on with life and make a good life for themselves, in relationships, jobs, etc. The OPs BF is having such a hard time with the break up because recovering addicts have already been through a lot of emotional struggles, and do not handle failure well. (And just the OP knows, I lived with a heavy addict for 2 years, so I know all about manipulation). I do not think he's trying to manipulate you by stating that he won't be able to concentrate on studies because of your break up. More than likely he really WONT be able to. He's saying why did you have to pick this time in my life, a time while i"m trying to excel, to throw me a heart wrenching bomb. Especially one that he doesn't quite understand...because more than likely he does NOT see what you are seeing. All he's thinking is he has done nothing wrong to you and this is all from out of nowhere. You said it yourself that he treated you very well and that you love him and he loves you, etc, so I'm sorry, but don't expect him to take it lying down if you are suddenly dropping him and the whole relationship. Of COURSE he wants you to feel guilty about it. You are breaking his heart! But to say he's being "manipulative" makes you feel like less of a heart breaker; helps to justify why your breaking up. When really the only reason you are is because you are too annoyed by the fact that his brain is not quite as clear and quick as yours.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with him or that it's wrong of you, FYI. We all have our reasons, big or small, regardless what others think, to break up with someone. If you think it's unhealthy, the right is all yours to leave. Your happiness matters. I'm just saying, he will never understand your reasoning because it's not noticeable to him like it is to you. Don't expect him to understand, and expect him to try and make you feel even more guilty post break-up until he's over it.

 

I just wanted to say that this is a great post and gives a lot of insight into the other perspective which often gets glossed over in these situations. You must be a really empathetic person. I have mild dissociation and my gf HATES it so I can relate a little (although mine is not drug related and not that severe). She has also told me point blank that she thinks there might be something wrong with me. I can't imagine her breaking up with me over that, so I would have a hard time understanding that too and would attribute it to other reasons.

[LoveLace]

I just wanted to say that this is a great post and gives a lot of insight into the other perspective which often gets glossed over in these situations. You must be a really empathetic person. I have mild dissociation and my gf HATES it so I can relate a little (although mine is not drug related and not that severe). She has also told me point blank that she thinks there might be something wrong with me. I can't imagine her breaking up with me over that, so I would have a hard time understanding that too and would attribute it to other reasons.

 

Well I guess the empathy is because, between real life experiences and my job, because I spend 40 hours a week where the most important part is empathizing and putting yourself in the shoes of others. And dealing with abnormal psych comes with the territory pretty often. But I tried to see it from the perspective of both the OP and her BF. His future relationships are likely to be more successful if he is ever able to identify and accept his problem. If a friend or GF in the future says, "I'm worried about you because...this thing happens sometimes and I don't think you notice it..." he might gradually become more open to seeing it from the outside looking in and attempt to do something about it. But if he's always offended, anyone might have a hard time tolerating his flaws.

[Eeyore79]

My memory is not the best. I get dates confused, I'm absent minded, and I forget I've said things. I'm not nuts; I'm just somewhat scatterbrained and a bit head-in-the-clouds. I'd hate to think someone would dump me for it if I otherwise treated them wonderfully.

 

Regarding the idealization - is it really so bad if he thinks you're wonderful, and your relationship is wonderful, and he feels like everyone must be jealous because he's so lucky to be with you? I'd kill to have a guy feel that way about me!

[4givrnt4gtr]

You are right i am not merely breaking up with him because he "forgets" thing. Touh if you saw what i mean you would see is not as simple as forgetting.

Actually i think this is gonna help me clarify my own mind as im about to see him cuz he

wouldnt take the break up.

 

I hate how paranoid he is. If someone dares glance his way he gets extremely aggressive and starts saying really angry things.

If some looks at me specially a guy he takes it as an insult to him saying the guy is getting "competitive" and asks me if people think he is not good enough for me

He says things that dont make sense like saying he loved me and wanted to marry me after three dates. Or that he loves my family before he even met them.

On the same token he tells me how big my boobs are when by all accounts im flat chested.

It scared me how after a month he said he hope i would get pregnant. He also said he wanted to have a baby at 16

It scared me how when his mom told him someone was talking about him he said he was going to buy a gun.

It also scared me how when we walked over a bridge he said he felt like his boidy wanted to jump off.

hmmmm ya i think i got plenty of reasons.... forget the fotgetfulness

[LoveLace]

So, after many posts here, many anxious days and nights I finally was able to talk to a therapist about my relationship and my concerns regarding whether its good for me or Im sabotaging it because im afraid of getting hurt.

 

 

Now, my concerns in this relationship have little to do with how im being treated. My bf treats me very well, takes care of me, and is very loving. The concerns have more to do with certain aspects of his personality, and as I came to realize today, his thought process that often leaves me (and those I share the experiences with) dumbfounded.

My therapist made me think about how I feel spending the rest of my life with someone like that. I realized that though I could put up with it, it would be difficult.

 

So now, here is my thought, as I have yet to break up with my bf.....

 

I still love this man. I lot. I love who he is for the most part and I love how he treats me.

 

Would any of you break up a relationship because your SO makes you go "what the hell??" with some of his/her behavior?

 

 

 

I hate how paranoid he is. If someone dares glance his way he gets extremely aggressive and starts saying really angry things.

If some looks at me specially a guy he takes it as an insult to him saying the guy is getting "competitive" and asks me if people think he is not good enough for me

He says things that dont make sense like saying he loved me and wanted to marry me after three dates. Or that he loves my family before he even met them.

On the same token he tells me how big my boobs are when by all accounts im flat chested.

It scared me how after a month he said he hope i would get pregnant. He also said he wanted to have a baby at 16

It scared me how when his mom told him someone was talking about him he said he was going to buy a gun.

It also scared me how when we walked over a bridge he said he felt like his boidy wanted to jump off.

hmmmm ya i think i got plenty of reasons.... forget the fotgetfulness

 

I am confused; first it's about you being afraid to get hurt and how much you love him, then suddenly this whole list of clarity. And after a month at saying he wanted to marry you/get pregnant you didn't question his mentality then? More and more it just seems that you just keep coming up with reasons to end it because his certain flaws annoy you; but all these other things are awfully and suddenly convenient to you right now since you want to break up, but when you originally posted there was no mention or concern of these things.

[Serenitynow]

then suddenly this whole list of clarity

 

 

Why is anyone surprised at that?

 

This is how 95% of threads are with female OP's.

 

They start out timid, only leaking certain bits of info, than after awhile its like the dam burst, and all the reality comes crashing down.

 

Most women manipulate the story, and the details when they post, because they try to garner a certain reaction of replies.

[LoveLace]

Why is anyone surprised at that?

 

This is how 95% of threads are with female OP's.

 

They start out timid, only leaking certain bits of info, than after awhile its like the dam burst, and all the reality comes crashing down.

 

Most women manipulate the story, and the details when they post, because they try to garner a certain reaction of replies.

 

I guess you are right I've been guilty of that myself

[4givrnt4gtr]

WELL!

 

Thanks Lovelace for your reply.

 

After I posted that last post I had to go meet him to talk things over. He refused to let me go without seeing me first (We are doing long distance so he demanded that I break up with him in person)

 

Well, i was expecting him to attack me, to be defensive and to basically be manipulative. Instead, we went out to eat, he asked me what had happened for me to come to that decision, and listened to me very calmly to my explanations. (Which, summed up was "Im afraid of you")

 

He explained a couple of the behaviors much more clearly than he has ever done (Ive discussed the I want to marry you and have kids thing before but he's never been convincing with his explanations). He said that since it looked like nothing he could say would change my mind he might as well be 100% honest.

 

Long story short, he put down all the cards down. He told me exactly why he behaved the way he did. He told me about the trauma he lived in his childhood, the abuse and isolation. He also told me about how he got out of drugs, and where he was in his way out of the whole at the time we met.

 

I seriously felt I was FINALLY getting to know the man Ive been dating for six months. It was like, he had been wearing half a mask, covering half of who he is and only letting me see half of what makes him him. Except, bits and pieces of the other half would come out and since I had no idea what it all looked like put together, I created a worst case scenario.

 

Had I known all that he told me that night, our relationship would have gone smoother from the get go. His insecurity and paranoia makes perfect sense when he is barely starting to socialize after being in almost complete isolation. The spacing out makes perfect sense after a breakdown due to cocaine withdrawals a couple of years ago. Whats even better, the fact that he is very aware of all this but was afraid to discuss it with me out of fear that I would reject him. We even discussed certain borderline traits, such as speech patterns that he has learned from his mother. He is very aware of them as well, and is constantly trying hard to be more mindful while he is able to move away from her.

 

Although it was three days of hell for both of us, I think the result was that we were finally honest with each other. We know exactly where the other stands and who the other is. We stayed together, and I feel that now that I have an idea of who he is, completely, I am able to confidently say I love him, ALL of him, I can handle the problems we might encounter given his anxiety and other issues, and we're going to be ok now, God willing.

 

 

Btw, I needed to make that list, and make all the worries I had in my mind as harsh as possible to give me the courage to end the relationship. I spent the better part of the three days crying and agonizing over what I felt I had to do. Even when I was there, talking to him, I could barely hold my ground but I knew that if those concerns could not be address I would only hurt him more in the end continuing the relationship with one foot out the door.

 

Thank you all for your responses.

[LoveLace]

Well I"m very glad that he was able to be so open about these things, also glad to know that he is very much aware of it all, while before that didn't seem to be the case. Now you can be much more accepting of his flaws, and now he'll know he has your support so the relationship should likely be a lot more healhty just because of that alone.

[Mind Riot]

Oh hon, I think I know exactly how you feel. My last relationship was with a very caring, loving, romantic guy who treated me like a queen as well. But there were a few problems that I had difficulties with. He wasn't on the same level of intelligence as me, not trying to be mean that's just a fact, other people commented on it as well. He was very gunshy about life in general, still lived at home, only worked with his dad, etc. There were only a couple other problems I don't want to discuss here but overall he was a saint and loved me so much. Looking back on it I only loved him every now and then... that's not real love. I tricked myself into believing since we're attracted to each other and very close then it must be true love. It ended up that 5 months ago he dumped me because he could tell I wasn't happy, I wasn't myself, and he wanted someone to love him as much as he loved them. I'm glad he did this, it was for the best. I never could bring myself to break up with him for fear that it would detroy him, which is wrong, I know that now.

 

If you are feeling similar to this... I can tell you from an "after the fact" point of view that breaking up is probably the best thing. If there's something bothering you so much that it throws up a road block in the relationship it will eventually fall apart anyway. I do feel for you in your situation and wish you the absolute best in the long run.