4givrnt4gtr Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 So, after many posts here, many anxious days and nights I finally was able to talk to a therapist about my relationship and my concerns regarding whether its good for me or Im sabotaging it because im afraid of getting hurt. After two session, and a cognitive intervention, my therapist and I came to the conclusion that my concerns are valid and I am probably better off leaving the relationship. Now, my concerns in this relationship have little to do with how im being treated. My bf treats me very well, takes care of me, and is very loving. The concerns have more to do with certain aspects of his personality, and as I came to realize today, his thought process that often leaves me (and those I share the experiences with) dumbfounded. My therapist made me think about how I feel spending the rest of my life with someone like that. I realized that though I could put up with it, it would be difficult. So now, here is my thought, as I have yet to break up with my bf..... I still love this man. I lot. I love who he is for the most part and I love how he treats me. Would any of you break up a relationship because your SO makes you go "what the hell??" with some of his/her behavior?
bobdole Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Every S.O. is going to make you go "What the hell". Make sure you aren't throwing away something great because you want "the fairy tale" bull**** that every female in this country thinks is her birthright.
Hop_prophet Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Every S.O. is going to make you go "What the hell". Ain't that the truth? Generally no, that seems like a pretty lousy reason for a breakup to me if you are still in love and he's treating you well. I would think my SO is lying if she gave me a reason like that. I think you need to give a little more information to get some honest responses. How severe is the behavior? If he is screaming to himself while walking down the street or poking his eyes with utensils, then yeah it's probably justified. If he is spacing out or having a dumb guy moment then not so much.
Fire Salamander Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 This only reaffirms my belief that women want to be treated like crap.
catersi Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 sounds like a scorpio! lol, and no i would do that over something querkie like that.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Well, see, the thing is that its not your typical "what the hell" is more like... ok for instance, A few months ago, he and I planned a trip. We looked up the place we were going to stay, how we were going to get there we even planned who was going to take first shift driving. So a couple of days before we were going to go on the trip I asked, to make sure we were going that weekend. He said, ofcourse. Later on that same day I was talking to my family. They asked to meet for the weekend and I said "oh I cant this weekend, SO and I are going on a trip". He looks at me totally bewildered and asks "we are??" I thought he was kidding but he said that he didnt know we had actually were going for sure (insert the "what the hell" here), that he had things to do over the weekend etc. Now, Im a rational person, as much as I can...so I tried really hard to understand how in the world did the whole thing end up so screwed up and confusing (needless to say, we didn't go anywhere), and I still cant figure it out. Another example, a couple of weeks ago, he and I were at the market. I was debating on whether to buy half and half or not, and said "im not sure i would drink it all". I swear he said , "Oh its cool, ill drink it if you dont drink it". So i bought it. LAter at home I was making tea and asked him if he wanted some half and half on his tea. He goes, "why do you ask me? you know I can't have that! I get sick!". I told him he had said he would help me finish it and he said he never said anything like that. Those are two examples of what I mean by "what the hell". It happens once in a while, kinda like he sorta checks out at times and then can't remember what was said or planned. Its really weird. My therapist calls it disassociation.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 (edited) Now, my concerns in this relationship have little to do with how im being treated. My bf treats me very well, takes care of me, and is very loving. The concerns have more to do with certain aspects of his personality, and as I came to realize today, his thought process that often leaves me (and those I share the experiences with) dumbfounded. We need more information. What exactly does he do? Can you give us some examples? I left the love of my life (so far) because of one big deal breaker, in spite of what a great fit we were and how great he treated me. I've never felt more emotional pain than I did then, but I know it was the right decision. Edited September 8, 2010 by Ruby Slippers
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Ok well, to be fair, thats not the only reason why I would break up with him, or have thought about it, but it is the most concerning one because its not a normal cognitive process going on there. Other reasons are manipulation "If you leave me, I will be messed up forever, i will never date again and I would rather die" Fear of him going back to drugs after a very long time of use (although to his defense he has been sober for ten years) Idealization, he constantly tells me how our relationship is so amazing, how everyone wants to be us, how i am the most gorgeous woman that ever lived, that I have the biggest breasts ever (im barely an A!!!) etc. All this makes me feel like he isn't even dating me but a fantasy in his head
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Those are two examples of what I mean by "what the hell". It happens once in a while, kinda like he sorta checks out at times and then can't remember what was said or planned. Its really weird. My therapist calls it disassociation. That sounds like pretty serious psychological stuff. "Treating you like a queen" is irrelevant here. I dated a guy who treated me like a queen and had pretty major issues (I discovered later). Then I had to wonder if he didn't treat me like a queen because he knew his issues were major liabilities, and he'd have to do something big to compensate for them. Your counselor asked the right question. Can you live with his mental issue? Or not?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Ok well, to be fair, thats not the only reason why I would break up with him, or have thought about it, but it is the most concerning one because its not a normal cognitive process going on there. Other reasons are manipulation "If you leave me, I will be messed up forever, i will never date again and I would rather die" Fear of him going back to drugs after a very long time of use (although to his defense he has been sober for ten years) Idealization, he constantly tells me how our relationship is so amazing, how everyone wants to be us, how i am the most gorgeous woman that ever lived, that I have the biggest breasts ever (im barely an A!!!) etc. All this makes me feel like he isn't even dating me but a fantasy in his head Um, yeah. Sorry, he sounds really, really messed up.
bobdole Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Did the heavy drug use 10 yrs ago damage his memory or something? This sounds like a physical(mental capabilities) issue and not really a personality issue to me - the way your describing it. I dated someone that had a brain tumor and surgery/chemo to fix it, in the past. She wasn't quite right in that we always met in crowded places but she spoke in a volume that would be appropriate if we were alone. So I could never hear her out in public. After 4 dates and struggling to hear the poor girl (and tried to politely get her to speak up) I gave up. I felt bad about it, but I knew it would be a big source of frustration to me in the future.
meerkat stew Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Regardless of what your therapist says and how much you love him, all that matters is whether you are happy in the relationship or not, and whether the angst outweighs the happiness. The examples you give are somewhat slanted. The trip you planned didn't really look planned out at all. Plans for trips become formal when reservations are made. Sitting on the net planning out a possible trip is not the same as formalizing it, even if you talk about who is going to drive. The half and half thing is kind of silly, if I called every episode of that level with any woman I've dated a "what the hell" moment, the entirety of the relationship would basically be one of those moments to the next. Not saying you have no right to be annoyed, but that the examples you give seem trivial in the grand scheme of things. What matters most is your happiness, if not happy, move on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Later on that same day I was talking to my family. They asked to meet for the weekend and I said "oh I cant this weekend, SO and I are going on a trip". He looks at me totally bewildered and asks "we are??" I thought he was kidding but he said that he didnt know we had actually were going for sure (insert the "what the hell" here), that he had things to do over the weekend etc. Now, Im a rational person, as much as I can...so I tried really hard to understand how in the world did the whole thing end up so screwed up and confusing (needless to say, we didn't go anywhere), and I still cant figure it out. Another example, a couple of weeks ago, he and I were at the market. I was debating on whether to buy half and half or not, and said "im not sure i would drink it all". I swear he said , "Oh its cool, ill drink it if you dont drink it". So i bought it. LAter at home I was making tea and asked him if he wanted some half and half on his tea. He goes, "why do you ask me? you know I can't have that! I get sick!". I told him he had said he would help me finish it and he said he never said anything like that. wow.... I have no idea. Does he have heavy drug use in his past? That goes way beyond "What the Hell?"... that kind of behavior is more like "What the F***?" I'd say greenlight in breaking up over that. Or wait... are you sure your not the one remembering things wrong?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 wow.... I have no idea. Does he have heavy drug use in his past? That goes way beyond "What the Hell?"... that kind of behavior is more like "What the F***?" I'd say greenlight in breaking up over that. Or wait... are you sure your not the one remembering things wrong? Nope Im not remembering things wrong, it happens too often to be a misunderstanding and it has never happened to me before. A couple of weeks ago, we were trying to figure out what to do for the day. We finally said we should go to this theme park near his place. So ok, I got ready, we got in the car and we headed towards the theme park. Before though i had to put gas. When i got back in the car I started driving and he asks me why Im taking the freeway. I said cuz its the fastest way to get to the theme park....again he says "oh we're going to the theme park??" Like we didn't spend over an hour planning to go there. Its so crazy. At this point i mostly just tease him about how he has full conversations in his head where plans change and he forgets to include me in the loop....but still...its kinda crazy.
broken umbrella Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Nope Im not remembering things wrong, it happens too often to be a misunderstanding and it has never happened to me before. A couple of weeks ago, we were trying to figure out what to do for the day. We finally said we should go to this theme park near his place. So ok, I got ready, we got in the car and we headed towards the theme park. Before though i had to put gas. When i got back in the car I started driving and he asks me why Im taking the freeway. I said cuz its the fastest way to get to the theme park....again he says "oh we're going to the theme park??" Like we didn't spend over an hour planning to go there. Its so crazy. At this point i mostly just tease him about how he has full conversations in his head where plans change and he forgets to include me in the loop....but still...its kinda crazy. Did you ask him where he thought you were going? That sounds like a real problem, he needs to get his noggin checked.
paleblue Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 it sounds harmless, but definately annoying. like some kind of momentary lapse of consciousness or something. weirdness. i dont know, if you can live with it, go for it. if not, cut and run.
Crazy Magnet Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 He should take some cognitive tests to see if there really is some type of damage from years of drug use. What was his drug of choice? That might shed some light on things.
robdrm32 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Eh ask him if he is joking or not, i say some pretty dopey things to people but purely in jest. Doesn't sound like he is kidding but make sure he is serious about forgetting things. If thats the case maybe its best to move on.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 sigh...yeah, the more I think about it the more i realize....AGAIN that this needs to end. I feel horrible about it, he's made up all kinds of dreams about marriage kids etc. Ive suspected the drugs did damage his brain somehow. He did a lot of cocaine, ecstacy, LSD, heroine, basically, the works. He did so much of it that he overdosed a couple of times. Ugh this is horrible. Question, about breaking up as sensitively as possible, we live in a different city these days. Should I drive up to break it off or would it be ok to do it on the phone? Quite frankly I wish I could do it on an email, but thats just messed up. Also, ughh this is so sad. A couple of weeks ago he bought me a bracelette, for no reason. Last weekend he bought me a belt, because I needed it so he just up and got one for me. Should I return these things to him? or should I keep them? I feel so guilty about this whole thing. I dont want to break his heart. I hate this ish.
paleblue Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Hey 4giv, if that’s the way you feel, than thats what you have to do. You feel bad because you have a conscience. but you cant make everyone happy either. Sucks. Im thinking don’t return, unless he asks. Just be nice. Tell him he did nothing wrong so he doesnt ruminate over it. Because he didn't, it just sounds like your personalities arent matching up. Good luck.
OndaChin Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 The examples you've listed sound "eerily" similiar to someone with BPD going through the "EMESHMENT/IDEALIZATION" phase of a relationship. He's being TOO DAMN NICE.. You best be VERY CAREFUL!!! I've seen dissociative behavior (ex BPD) and it manifest itself in a variety of ways! It's not "normal" behavior (in the context you mentioned) and can be down right scary in the wrong situations- i.e., RAGES, ABUSE, COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.
LoveLace Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 All those drugs you say he did explains it, especially the ones that cause hallucinations (lsd). That actually causes permanent brain damage, to short term memory and reaction times. So it's not likely to get any better. If you love him and don't want to break up with him, you'll have to accept this part of him. Even the ones we love most have really annoying things about them. But if you WANT to break up with him, then do it, I would just come up with a reason better than saying it's because he has too many burnt brain cells. I've known plenty of heavy drug users in my life (unfortunately) and several of them have always had odd behavior even after quitting. Especially heroin or lsd users. That stuff is no joke. It changes people forever, again, even after quitting.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I think the passive aggressive behavior and the "idealization" that makes you feel like he's in a relationship with a fantasy rather that the actual person who you are are more pressing reasons to let him go than the "disconnects." The disconnects would also be a problem, though.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 So I talked to him last night. Basically the conversation was in order to clarify as much as I could about the things that made me nervous. He explained some of it, but then became really defensive, asking me why I was doing this, how messed up of me to talk about these things that made him so nervous and insecure. He asked why I was trying to break up with him over the phone, even though I assured him over and over that I wasn't trying to break up with him, that I was trying to fix things so I could let myself love him fully, without fears that something might be going on that I didn't know about. He got very offended when I told him about the disconnects, saying how messed up it was I would even think that he's got something wrong with him. He kept asking me why I was talking like this, after all he has done for me. This really irritated me because I've had a sense that all those times that, yes he's definitely been there for me, it was more because he felt it was an assurance I would think twice before leaving, than because he actually wanted to be there for me. I tried to not think like that but after last night I realized I was right about that. He then attempted to manipulate me saying that because of what I was saying he wasn't going to be able to get his applications to grad school together, that he was going to be too messed up to get the papers and tests done. and THAT basically did it. THAT was the nail on the coffin. I said that I was not going to allow him to manipulate me and make me feel guilty about what he did with his life. I said that the more he talked the more I realized this relationship was bad for both of us (as he kept saying how stressed out I make him). He still said he wouldn't take the break up and he would not accept it until he saw me. I told him I would drive to his city on friday and we would talk then. So thats where we are at. It seems its going to be a hard break up, but I have no more doubts. THis is not a healthy relationship at all.
carhill Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Late to this, but would like to express my sympathies. My observation would be that nearly all relationships have a mix of positive aspects, neutral aspects and negative aspects. We each decide for ourselves what sort of mix is compatible for us. Your mix and his mix didn't apparently match up, even with the positives you enumerated. Accepting that is healthy. I wish you well
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