WowReally Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Can you save a marriage while still lying about your situation during your MC sessions? AKA still cheating on your spouse? Has anyone seen this happen?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 IMO, not at all. This isn't someone who wants a marriage or a "real" relationship of any kind. This is someone who needs fantasy in order to function day to day. He needs it to be false because he can't be real with anyone.
Author WowReally Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Unfortunately I think they've both gone through the motions of the marriage for so long I think the fantasy has become their reality. From what I hear it's become more of a dont ask dont tell...lets sweep everything under the rug and play nice scenario while in other people's company.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Unfortunately I think they've both gone through the motions of the marriage for so long I think the fantasy has become their reality. From what I hear it's become more of a dont ask dont tell...lets sweep everything under the rug and play nice scenario while in other people's company. Well, if the BOTH agree to that, then its their marriage to define as they see fit. Don't imagine it should concern their neighbors, friends, family or anyone else.
Author WowReally Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 No it doesnt but he is still lying...Im hoping his third helping hand will give him a slap to the head and help him along to a real decision
outofthedark Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Imagine my surprise when I found out that for almost 2 months my s/o had been lying in MC. AND the lies didnt come out during a session.. they came out at home when I caught him... Needless to say, I was furious! I was the only open and honest one in session... he was using what I said in counseling to "learn" me better and to cover his own tracks better.... It was a horrible experience... wow just thinking about this and writing about it makes me furious now.
Author WowReally Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Imagine my surprise when I found out that for almost 2 months my s/o had been lying in MC. AND the lies didnt come out during a session.. they came out at home when I caught him... Needless to say, I was furious! I was the only open and honest one in session... he was using what I said in counseling to "learn" me better and to cover his own tracks better.... It was a horrible experience... wow just thinking about this and writing about it makes me furious now. Im guessing you two are no longer together? This couple is not presently under the same roof so it's easier to not get caught
outofthedark Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 We made it through but it has been ANYTHING but easy!!!!!
HappyAgain Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Actually, I lived through this exact scenario with my xH. He was having an affair with a coworker while we were in MC after reconciling from a one year split. Yes, he absolutely had no intention of saving our marriage and only reconciled because he couldn't afford to live on his own and needed my financial support. I found out about the affair when he came to my work one morning a few days before my birthday to tell me that he was fired because his boss had caught him with the coworker. Let me say, it was one of the most painful days I lived through and the respect for my xH died that day. We stayed together a bit longer but while I was trying to come to grips with this affair we had a fight and he told me that he hadn't loved me for years and was just using me because I was better off financially than he was. I packed his bags while he was sleeping off the dope he smoked that day and had him leave. That was the end of the marriage after 19 years together. It's been a couple of years since and I have never regretted my decision. We've both moved on with our lives and I am happy today with a much better partner.
greengoddess Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Unfortunately I think they've both gone through the motions of the marriage for so long I think the fantasy has become their reality. From what I hear it's become more of a dont ask dont tell...lets sweep everything under the rug and play nice scenario while in other people's company. If they felt that way then why would they be in marriage councelling? He is a **** who is still lying to everyone and cheating while pretending to be the good boy to his wife by going to mc. He is a coward who can not face what he needs to do. Divorce his wife or stop cheating.
Author WowReally Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 If they felt that way then why would they be in marriage councelling? He is a **** who is still lying to everyone and cheating while pretending to be the good boy to his wife by going to mc. He is a coward who can not face what he needs to do. Divorce his wife or stop cheating. I dont totally diagree with this statement - I mean really what's there to disagree with? They're going to play happy couple again this weekend. The wife actually encourages the behavior...not sure if it's because she just doesnt want to be alone, loves the bank account (they both do really) is this naive, is in deep denial or all of the above. It is the epitome of a marriage of convenience!
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Can you save a marriage while still lying about your situation during your MC sessions? AKA still cheating on your spouse? Has anyone seen this happen? Who's trying to save the M? Probably the BS.. because the WS has no intention to stop the cheating.. s/he wants his/her cake and eat it too.. plus if the WS hadn't been caught.. where would be the problem? The problem arises when the WS is caught.. IMO
greengoddess Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I dont totally diagree with this statement - I mean really what's there to disagree with? They're going to play happy couple again this weekend. The wife actually encourages the behavior...not sure if it's because she just doesnt want to be alone, loves the bank account (they both do really) is this naive, is in deep denial or all of the above. It is the epitome of a marriage of convenience! How do you know this? How do you know the wife is not totally in love with him and thinking they are together working on their marriage. He is 100% gaslighting her going to marriage councelling and pretending to work on the marriage while cheating. Why don't you do the wife a favor and tell her the truth so she can end this sham instead of judging her to be naive in deep denial or after money. Find out the truth by telling her the truth. It's really quite simple. I wonder why an ow would continue on with a man while he is in mc with his wife.
Owl Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Who's trying to save the M? Probably the BS.. because the WS has no intention to stop the cheating.. s/he wants his/her cake and eat it too.. plus if the WS hadn't been caught.. where would be the problem? The problem arises when the WS is caught.. IMO That THEORETICALLY might be true if it were a PA only. THEORETICALLY. But when you stop and realize how much emotional investment typically goes into an affair...and how much emotional withdrawl ensues in the marriage as a result...you'd understand how far off this is from reality. It's almost never "just a PA" for most affairs...for most people, physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy. I believe that you don't have a deep emotional connection with most of your MM, Lizzie. But you know full well that they would pursue one with you if you let it...and that emotional relationship would be horribly detrimental to their marriage, even if their BS never found out about it. Few OW actually "limit" their emotional connection with their MM like you do...on the contrary, most of them PURSUE that emotional connection as part of their goals...what they want to get out of the relationship. Your goals are different...vastly so. That's why I don't believe that you "get" it from a "normal OW" viewpoint...and won't ever see it from a "typical BS" viewpoint either. Most of the time the A is horribly damaging to the marriage well before it's discovered...in fact, that damage is WHY it's discovered most of the time.
2sure Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 MC even when a couple initiates going as a result of infidelity....often does not focus or even address the issue of the infidelity until everything else has been examined. Sex, affection, children, jobs, discussions and communication. MC can help a happy couple improve their marriage and can very well give an unhappy marriage the tools to correct at least the biggest issues. So, I would think that if an affair were on going...and the BS did not know about it...and they were attending MC...its possible that if some big issues in the marriage were some of the justifications of the WS's Infidelity....and those issues were corrected...that the reason for the affair could cease to exist. However, unless all of the cards regarding the infidelity are on the table...there will remain a disconnect.
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 That THEORETICALLY might be true if it were a PA only. THEORETICALLY. But when you stop and realize how much emotional investment typically goes into an affair...and how much emotional withdrawl ensues in the marriage as a result...you'd understand how far off this is from reality. It's almost never "just a PA" for most affairs...for most people, physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy. I believe that you don't have a deep emotional connection with most of your MM, Lizzie. But you know full well that they would pursue one with you if you let it...and that emotional relationship would be horribly detrimental to their marriage, even if their BS never found out about it. Few OW actually "limit" their emotional connection with their MM like you do...on the contrary, most of them PURSUE that emotional connection as part of their goals...what they want to get out of the relationship. Your goals are different...vastly so. That's why I don't believe that you "get" it from a "normal OW" viewpoint...and won't ever see it from a "typical BS" viewpoint either. Most of the time the A is horribly damaging to the marriage well before it's discovered...in fact, that damage is WHY it's discovered most of the time. Naah.. I have to disagree... eventhough my MMs love me a lot.. they're not in love with me.. and most would NOT leave their family for me.. I have had MM that stopped seeing me because they felt they were getting too involved emotionally.. and I respect that.. I had an A with a professional who got caught, he left his laptop on the dining table.. she transferred all the emails to her account and later read them.. (he emptied all his stuff.. but forgot about the 'sent' ones).. he denied everything.. she believed him saying that there was no sex involved.. (there was)... they went on MC... she taught he would stopped. that it was only a mistake... blablabla... yeah right.. Usually the woman is willing to forgive and work on the M.. the MM wants the forgiveness.. period.
Owl Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Naah.. I have to disagree... eventhough my MMs love me a lot.. they're not in love with me.. and most would NOT leave their family for me.. I have had MM that stopped seeing me because they felt they were getting too involved emotionally.. and I respect that.. I had an A with a professional who got caught, he left his laptop on the dining table.. she transferred all the emails to her account and later read them.. (he emptied all his stuff.. but forgot about the 'sent' ones).. he denied everything.. she believed him saying that there was no sex involved.. (there was)... they went on MC... she taught he would stopped. that it was only a mistake... blablabla... yeah right.. Usually the woman is willing to forgive and work on the M.. the MM wants the forgiveness.. period. None of that negates the damage done in a "normal" affair where there ARE emotional bonds intentionally being built.
skylarblue Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 You may be able to save/maintain the façade of a M, but I don’t think you could save a M as it was intended if one is still lying and cheating. How could it? Lying and cheating were probably the factors that got them into MC. MC and “saving” a M is partly based on rebuilding trust and regaining that physical/emotional connection. If one partner is not genuine and nothing has changed then there’s really no difference in the M between pre and post MC. The scenario of the deception has just changed. I’ve never really considered anything off-limits when it came to my A, but I’ve always thought I would never continue to see MM if he went to MC. I admit that I now wrestle with the thought because I do love him and he says he loves me. He has told me that his M wouldn’t be any better off if he ended the A, and I believe he would still want to see me if they resorted to MC. But I really do despise the thought of her being emotionally stripped naked and bare, being the most vulnerable, honest, and open she could possibly be, trying hard to do/be whatever possible to fix/save her M and believing they are making progress and then MM continues to lie/cheat...It just seem so uber wrong if he was in MC than just having an A. IDK, it just really, really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Imagine my surprise when I found out that for almost 2 months my s/o had been lying in MC. AND the lies didnt come out during a session.. they came out at home when I caught him... Needless to say, I was furious! I was the only open and honest one in session... he was using what I said in counseling to "learn" me better and to cover his own tracks better.... It was a horrible experience... wow just thinking about this and writing about it makes me furious now. Not many things make me say wow...Wow!
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I wonder why an ow would continue on with a man while he is in mc with his wife. She probably is under the impression that he is just going to keep things sane at home. Or he is lying to her, omitting the fact he IS infact going. Or maybe he just doesn't care and is being selfish and feels a huge sense of entitlement to have his cake and eat it too. Either way, a MP who is still cheating while trying to fix the marriage, going to MC is an total selfish and cruel person.
Author WowReally Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Who's trying to save the M? Probably the BS.. because the WS has no intention to stop the cheating.. s/he wants his/her cake and eat it too.. plus if the WS hadn't been caught.. where would be the problem? The problem arises when the WS is caught.. IMO Yes he's been caught a few times by the bs...they've been going to counseling for a while now due to this latest slip. Nothings really changed...infact in the beginning he was under the same roof they are now under two different roofs The marriage hasnt been great for years now...as it's been said, people grow apart and the communication died between them. She definitely ruled/rules the roost and he rolls over like a subservient puppy. All I know is what Im told and even then I know Im not getting the whole story. I do see a lot of fear in their actions as far as moving on without eachother, hence the need to play the happy couple for friends and family. It's hard to kiss nearly half you life away.
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