Bobbe Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 It's almost a year since my live changed completely. Almost a year since I came to these forums and told my story in a blindly panic. If you want to know more, check my post history..Or maybe you remember me, who knows. We were together for almost 5 years, since our 16th, but it wasn't meant to be. She left me when I needed her the most. At the moment I thought she left me because of my insomnia. I never had the energy to do anything, to go out or have fun with friends. I was always grumpy or tired. Eventually, she reached her limit of patience, the love ran out and she left me. Afterwards I found out it my insomnia was part of something bigger, a burn-out. I'm still not fully recovered yet but I'm getting there. I don't blame her for leaving me, I was not exactly pleasant company at the time even though it wasn't the real me. The thing I'm still mad about is the fact that she never bothered to check on me. She knew how badly my situation was, she knew what I was going through yet to this day she never bothered to ask me how I was. We were together for almost 5 years yet she acts like it never happened. Granted, she wished me happy birthday through a text message. I then asked her when we would talk, if ever. She said she needed more time. That was march, she sure is taking her time I haven't heard from her since then. In the beginning, While I was sitting lonely at home, with barely any friends left, she was out there. Partying, having a good time. It gives a sour feeling, a feeling of injustice. Because I couldn't go out and party, I was always too tired I hope one day she will show she's sorry for the way she treated me But I don't think it will happen. I still sleep badly and my energy level is still way way to low for someone my age (22). For example, it's impossible for me to drive after 17u-18u, I just can't focus enough anymore to drive safely. Or I forget all kinds of things, like when the bottle of water in my room is empty,I go downstairs to refill. But once I'm in the kitchen, I don't remember what I'm doing in the kitchen. It's like my once young brain is replaced by the brain of a 90-year old. I'm also limited in my social activities. I can't go out or the times when I do, I must leave the party (too) early to avoid being a zombie for the rest of the week. Because of this, I miss a lot of social contact and I'm still unhappy. I think I would be much further in my getting-over-ex process if I could go out more instead of being so damn tired every day! I'm taking pills, eating healthy and It's getting better. It's just so damn sloooow. But off course It's not all bad. In fact, she did me a favor. If she hadn't left me, I would've never grown so much as a person this year. I've learned so many things, valuable life lessons. I've met wonderful new people, people who otherwise would never have come into my life. She left me as a boy but I've grown into a man this past year. I took care of things I left untouched for years. I did so many wonderful things!I owe her my gratitude for setting me free and for giving me the chance to find my own path. But I'm also mad for the way she did it. It's a double feeling. But there are still things that need much work, like being alone for example. I've grown up with the idea that there's always someone to talk to, someone who cares for you. I no longer have that special someone. And even though I've made many new friends and met some wonderful people, there still is a big, gaping hole in my life. It's like a black hole that sucks all the happiness out of my life. A hole I want to close but it won't let me, not yet anyway. It's not that I don't have happy moments or that I never laugh. Because I do have happy moments and I laugh many times. But I always have the feeling some thing is missing or better someone. Someone to share the happy times with. This is something I still need to work on. I wonder if dumpers have this hole-feeling too? But yeah, I learned the world doesn't stop spinning when you lose a loved one. Life goes on and so should I. And so I do! I walk the path of life and I see the sun shinning on the horizon and I know I must keep walking to get there. But I'm just so tired of the journey. Nothing but bad weather on this trip. And when I'm almost there, there's a hurricane which blows me several miles back. But I keep going. I know I will reach the sun someday. And when I do, I will enjoy my cocktail at the pool with the sun shining on me.
Recommended Posts