Do parents have a favourite child?

[Trimmer]

That's true. But there's also a difference between being loved and being favored. I know my parents love me, for instance, but they definitely treat me differently than they do one of my brothers. If parents are hypercritical of one child but not the other, it makes sense that the target of criticism would feel less favored than the other. The "I'm not the favorite" complaint isn't always about money, cars, and gifts. Sometimes there are actual problems.

I completely understand and agree, and let me be clear - in my philosophizing here, I'm not claiming that all parents are one way or the other, nor did I mean to minimize "favoritism" to tangible issues only - in fact, I do agree that unbalanced emotional issues are likely to be deeper, more complex, and more problematic. I completely accept that it does happen in some families, and can even, as TBF points out, be a function of individual personalities, either/both children's and parents'.

 

TBF's example makes me feel that sometimes it is a manifestation of insecurity - the need to be reassured that you are loved, in whatever form that takes, in whatever "currency" (tangible or emotional) is of value in soothing that insecurity. Sometimes, in order to feel that you are secure and "up", you need to reassure yourself that someone else is "down" - that sounds to me like they dynamic with TBF's sister.

 

What I've tried to do - and I'm presenting this as my own experience and parenting philosophy, not a claim that everyone does or should do as I do - is to foster an individual emotional bond with each of my children that is valuable in itself, and to accept and recognize - and celebrate! - that these will be different between the two of them. I can't guarantee it, and no, of course it's not always perfect, but I try to have a "whole" and secure relationship with each of them, so they don't end up feeling like they need to scramble to fill a void that the other is somehow scooping out.

 

But hey, I'm not claiming that I'm all-knowing or that I have all the answers; I'm trying what I think might work out. Like any parent, I'm just making it up as I go along...

 

ETA: just reading back, and I see quankanne's example, too, which also sounds like some kind of insecurity - someone who objectively seems to have a fairly normal position in the family emotional hierarchy, but nonetheless feels like he/she is downtrodden somehow... Makes me wonder which is the chicken and which is the egg: is there some dynamic that develops the insecurity, which is then never soothed, or does the insecurity develop of its own - maybe just an inborn personality thing - which then affects the dynamic of the family?

Edited September 10, 2010 by Trimmer

[threebyfate]

I completely understand and agree, and let me be clear - in my philosophizing here, I'm not claiming that all parents are one way or the other. I completely accept that it does happen in some families, and can even, as TBF points out, be a function of individual personalities, either/both children's and parents'.

 

TBF's example makes me feel that sometimes it is a manifestation of insecurity - the need to be reassured that you are loved, in whatever form that takes, in whatever "currency" (tangible or emotional) is of value in soothing that insecurity. Sometimes, in order to feel that you are secure and "up", you need to reassure yourself that someone else is "down" - that sounds to me like they dynamic with TBF's sister.

The most irritating part of this is that she's treated in the same way as the rest of us. She knows our parents love her but for some reason, has got to match gift for gift. Even when she was little, she used to harbour grudges against our parents and each one of us if we got a larger gift than she did.

 

There's a lot more than her gift pettiness, that destroys the family dynamics. I honestly can't fathom this level of insecurity and materialism.

 

I've suggested she go get some therapy but as usual, the ones who need therapy the most, reject it.

[tigressA]

I was the favorite child of both my mom and dad, but especially my dad. He had primary custody of us since my mom is disabled. I'm the oldest by a year, and the only girl. My brother was always a troublemaker, telling lies, doing reckless things, etc, and he and my dad fought like cats and dogs. Something I constantly overheard was "Why can't you be more like your sister?!"

 

In high school, when my brother found an outlet in athletics, I got jealous because my dad and then-stepmom would go to his meets, sometimes even driving for hours for regional/state stuff. He got more positive attention, newspaper clippings put up on the fridge, etc. I always refused to go to any of his meets and sometimes I would shred the clippings put up on the fridge because I was so jealous. I was so used to being the one showered with positive attention that I couldn't handle it when my brother got his fair share.

[jean-luc sisko]

The most irritating part of this is that she's treated in the same way as the rest of us. She knows our parents love her but for some reason, has got to match gift for gift. Even when she was little, she used to harbour grudges against our parents and each one of us if we got a larger gift than she did.

 

There's a lot more than her gift pettiness, that destroys the family dynamics. I honestly can't fathom this level of insecurity and materialism.

 

I've suggested she go get some therapy but as usual, the ones who need therapy the most, reject it.

 

A lot of children have the "it's not fair!" attitude. Maybe she just believes in fairness, which in itself is noble, and most persons do at some level. Maybe she is naturally petty, as you say.

 

I think sometimes, we have to accept that people will be people.

[Citizen Erased]

The most irritating part of this is that she's treated in the same way as the rest of us. She knows our parents love her but for some reason, has got to match gift for gift. Even when she was little, she used to harbour grudges against our parents and each one of us if we got a larger gift than she did.

 

There's a lot more than her gift pettiness, that destroys the family dynamics. I honestly can't fathom this level of insecurity and materialism.

 

I've suggested she go get some therapy but as usual, the ones who need therapy the most, reject it.

 

She should count herself lucky. I'd much rather my parents favoured my siblings with material things than the way they did. It used to be downright embarrassing having to explain to my friends why my parents never turned up for events their parents were at, yet always did for their favourite. My teachers at school would ask why they wouldn't turn up for parent/teacher things, they were too busy off meeting the teacher of their respective favourite of course. Sports events, "prom", you name it.

 

Then of course there was the ridiculing, the double standards...oh yeah, your sister has it tough. She sounds a lot like my cousin actually. You must use up all of your patience dealing with someone like that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

See, with me and my brother, i've never felt either one of us was favoured but then again me and my brother are so alike we are practically twins. Sometimes I get the vague feeling that my dad prefers me *a little* as i'm his girl, and as the first born child, I think parents always have a special place in their heart for the first child they brought into the world. But in terms of how we are raised, i've never felt rivalry, competition etc. Maybe it's good to have one boy and one girl - if I had a sister maybe i'd have felt more competitive! As it is, me and my brother are just pretty much best friends.

[sweetjasmine]

I completely understand and agree, and let me be clear - in my philosophizing here, I'm not claiming that all parents are one way or the other, nor did I mean to minimize "favoritism" to tangible issues only - in fact, I do agree that unbalanced emotional issues are likely to be deeper, more complex, and more problematic.

 

Sure, I didn't think you were claiming all parents are one way or that favoritism exists only in how many gifts and things and toys every sibling gets. I just wanted to point out that there's sometimes more to it, that's all.

 

TBF's example makes me feel that sometimes it is a manifestation of insecurity - the need to be reassured that you are loved, in whatever form that takes, in whatever "currency" (tangible or emotional) is of value in soothing that insecurity. Sometimes, in order to feel that you are secure and "up", you need to reassure yourself that someone else is "down" - that sounds to me like they dynamic with TBF's sister.

 

Yeah, I've seen that in some people, and I'd guess that those types of sibling rivalries are often based in insecurity.

 

What I've tried to do - and I'm presenting this as my own experience and parenting philosophy, not a claim that everyone does or should do as I do - is to foster an individual emotional bond with each of my children that is valuable in itself, and to accept and recognize - and celebrate! - that these will be different between the two of them. I can't guarantee it, and no, of course it's not always perfect, but I try to have a "whole" and secure relationship with each of them, so they don't end up feeling like they need to scramble to fill a void that the other is somehow scooping out.

 

Sounds good to me.

 

She should count herself lucky. I'd much rather my parents favoured my siblings with material things than the way they did. It used to be downright embarrassing having to explain to my friends why my parents never turned up for events their parents were at, yet always did for their favourite. My teachers at school would ask why they wouldn't turn up for parent/teacher things, they were too busy off meeting the teacher of their respective favourite of course. Sports events, "prom", you name it.

 

Then of course there was the ridiculing, the double standards...oh yeah, your sister has it tough. She sounds a lot like my cousin actually. You must use up all of your patience dealing with someone like that.

 

This is the sort of thing I had in mind. Double-standards, hypercriticism, and clear examples of focusing more energy on one child over another/the others.

 

For instance, until he hit his mid-20s, my favored brother would regularly swear at my mother whenever she tried to get him to eat, since she would constantly be asking him if he was hungry or if he wanted her to make something for him and bring it up to his room so he didn't even have to go down the stairs to get it - incidentally things which she would never dream of doing for anyone else. Being told to F off wouldn't phase her at all, and she would never say anything to him, but she was never shy about saying cruel things to the rest of us when we didn't do what she said.

 

Being female, I got the worst of it, with constant comments about my looks, weight, clothes, all throughout my teenage years, including "you need liposuction and a nose job" comments (nevermind that I was never even overweight - just not super skinny). She'll blow up at me for just about any reason, and moving to another state for graduate school got me a "you're a horrible daughter and a huge disappointment" speech because it's my job to live in my parents' house until I get married to a rich doctor and start popping out babies. Meanwhile she would never dream of saying anything to negative or hurtful to my one brother, even when he does things that she doesn't approve of.

 

So the short version is that there were/are objective differences in the way each of us got/gets treated. Jeez, I wish it were just insecurity on my part and on my other brothers' parts -- then at least we could easily fix it by fixing ourselves. It's maddening to be treated differently for no actual reason and it creates a horrible dynamic in our family.

[threebyfate]

She should count herself lucky. I'd much rather my parents favoured my siblings with material things than the way they did. It used to be downright embarrassing having to explain to my friends why my parents never turned up for events their parents were at, yet always did for their favourite. My teachers at school would ask why they wouldn't turn up for parent/teacher things, they were too busy off meeting the teacher of their respective favourite of course. Sports events, "prom", you name it.

This must have been difficult to handle. Much sympathy.

 

Then of course there was the ridiculing, the double standards...oh yeah, your sister has it tough. She sounds a lot like my cousin actually. You must use up all of your patience dealing with someone like that.

Favourite phrase expressed to her "grow the eff up".

[Citizen Erased]

This must have been difficult to handle. Much sympathy.

 

Favourite phrase expressed to her "grow the eff up".

 

No sympathy required, it all worked out. Others had it far worse!

 

You must be her favourite person in the world if you say that to her.

[threebyfate]

No sympathy required, it all worked out. Others had it far worse!

Maybe so but it's all relative.

 

You must be her favourite person in the world if you say that to her.

And you must know how much that matters to me!

[Calendula]

I’m the middle of three children; I have a sister who is two years older than me and a brother who is three years younger than me. Both of my siblings tell me that I’m the favorite of both of our parents regardless of what our parents say on the subject. I think it comes down to perceptions on the part of my siblings, mostly. The reasons I can come up with for why my siblings perceive me as our parents’ favorite comes down to the following: compatibility of personality types (between me and both of our parents), similar interests, a desire and willingness on my part to learn whatever our parents were willing to teach, and how much effort and time I’ve put into developing my relationship with our parents.

 

Throughout our lives I’ve spent much more time than my siblings working with both my mom and my dad on their respective projects or tasks – I’ve always been the helper, it just turned out that way. What goes hand in hand with being the ‘helper,’ however, is the maturing of my relationships with both of our parents, improved levels of communication, better understanding of personality quirks and personal perspectives (both my parents of me, and me of my parents). When you work with someone you simply get to know them better. I think the amount of quality time I’ve spent dealing with my parents both growing up and as an adult is what leads me to be closer to both of them then either of my siblings are. It probably also helped that I wasn’t ever the type to get into trouble of any sort, and for whatever reason I’ve ended up more emotionally stable and secure than both of my siblings. My personality is also such that I have an immense amount of patience and can get along with practically anyone. I’ve always been very observant of people and typically use my observations to try and improve my relationships with them. Last time I was visiting my brother he described my place in our family to a friend as ‘the moderator, the person who gets along with everyone and holds us all together.’

 

Every member of my family is a unique individual, and I fully agree with the comments on here that relate to how every relationship between any two individuals is unique because no two people are alike. I’ve never felt that my parents love me any more or less than either of my siblings, but I do freely acknowledge that, for a wide variety of reasons, I have a more open and positive relationship with both of our parents than either of my siblings do. If this means that I get the title of ‘favorite’ then so be it. As far as I could always tell, they never openly favored me at the expense of my siblings, but I’m sure my siblings perceived it that way at times. They would see me being ‘favored’ because I got something they didn’t, but the reality was often that if I got something they didn’t it was because I earned it, not because it was just given to me because our parents liked me better.

 

While this may not be true for every ‘favorite’ child, I think sometimes that my siblings don’t appreciate the fact that being the ‘favorite’ and getting along well with both of our parents has taken a lot of work and time. I didn’t set out to become ‘the favorite’ but instead to develop a mature, open, and stable relationship with both of our parents. If my sister resents me for this, which I know she does sometimes, I consider it to be her problem and not mine. I have no intention of screwing up my relationship with either of our parents just so she can feel better about the fact that she doesn’t get along with both of them as well as I do. When we were both teenagers I tried for a while to help her better understand and relate to both of our parents, but she always rudely dismissed my opinions out of hand because I was her ‘little sister who couldn’t possibly know anything.’ My response was eventually to go ‘whatever, do it your way. I’m done with trying to help you figure it out,’ and to go on about my business of further developing a good relationship with both of them. She has gotten better about it all as she’s gotten older, and she and I can finally talk about her resentment of me, but she still has a long way to go with regards to many of her emotional insecurities (about me and about our parents, as well as all sorts of other things).

[Meaplus3]

I could never pick a favorite out of my 3. Each one of my children is unique and special in their own way.

 

Mea:)