Nikki Sahagin Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 When me and my little bro were kids, we used to always ask 'who's your favourite?' My parents were very diplomatic and would always say 'well you're my favourite girl and your brother is my favourite boy.' But DO parents have a favourite or preferred child? Especially if one is more of an achiever and the other is perhaps lazy etc.
lilbunny Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 When we were kids it was always the one who was behaving themselves at the time! We are a big family! More seriously, no I don't think any of us we loved more or less than the others, but that didn't mean we have been treated the same. Some kids are more needy than others, some want to be left alone to get on with things more.
quankanne Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 HAH! If you ask any one of my five older sibs, they'll say it was me because "you're the baby, and the baby is always the favorite" ... in all honesty, I don't think my parents played favorites with us kids, just had different relationships with us, based on our personalities and our mutual likes or desires. that said, I will say that I think they played favorites with the grandkids, because those brats could get away with doing the very same crap we'd get spanked for or yelled at for doing!
GorillaTheater Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 As a dad to 8, this is something I have to be aware and wary of. I love all of my kids to pieces, but there are some I seem to "connect" with more than others, whether due to shared interests, a similar sense of humor, or whatever. What I have to be careful about is not letting that translate into any perception of favoritism or "liking one kid more than another". And I hope to hell I'm doing it right.
Eve Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I think some parents can spark rivalry between children to try and straighten out a child. I say they have got you if you do that! Quite unhealthy. Kids do tend to think that a sibling is more loved though... if they don't out grow it, I would tend to think they could be leaning on the side of being a bit neurotic. Especially if they have been treated as equally as possible. Take care, Eve xx
Rashad Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Do parents have a favourite child? YES.... ME!! or at least that's how I feel. In fact I'm taking my parents to a restaurant like a surprise set-up date next week and I'm of course paying for their meals. If I'm not their favorite now, I bet I will be by next week!
BlackLovely Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Yes, parents do have favorites, usually the youngest or the only boy/girl. Evolved and aware parents, will never blatantly admit to loving one child more or give one child special treatment. I am favored by my father, because I am the only daughter and I look just like him, his sister and his mother. My mother is very vocal about favoring my younger brother-he even gets many more advantages than the rest of the four children. None of us got a car to drive when we were in college or university. The favoritism saddened me when I was younger, but as I grew, I realized my mother was the one with the problem. No normal mother could look at her only daughter and say "You are too black, but your brother's skin is light like mine." or this lovely gem "Your brother is the best kid I have!" When Mommie Dearest became ill, she demanded that I come look after her. Such is her narcissism, that she would expect the child she abused the most, to wipe her ass! :D:lmao: I said "Ask your best kid.":laugh: I am my fiance's favorite, my best friends favorite, my father's favorite and my own favorite. Who cares if some demented and sadistic fool favors me or not? Mothers need to reap what they sow.
quankanne Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 If I'm not their favorite now, I bet I will be by next week! :laugh: BL, I'm truly sorry that your mom is such a toxic parent, but please know that a parent – ESPECIALLY a mom – who isn't psychologically screwed up will go out of his/her way to ensure that there is no favoritism. Simply because the parent is aware how it can damage the family.
sweetjasmine Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 My dad doesn't play favorites, but he does hold me to totally different standards because I'm female and expects me to cater to my mother's every whim because I'm the only daughter. My mom absolutely plays favorites, and sometimes I'm one of the two favorites, when I'm not doing something that pisses her off, like moving out of state for graduate school (how horrible, right? ). She'll go from wanting to make sure I have everything to telling me that I'm a terrible daughter who hates her family, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile the other favorite can do absolutely no wrong because he's tall, thin, and has blue eyes -- he can take up smoking, flunk out of college, buy a motorcycle, move back into my parents' house with his girlfriend, go back to college on my parents' dime, and everything is A-okay. But I get my Masters, and it's, "Well, we already went to one of your graduations, so we're not flying out for this one," and then I move in with my SO, and it's the end of the freaking world because I'm ruining my life. When I bring up that the least favorite brother is living with his girlfriend and doesn't get crapped on for it, my mother directly tells me that it's different because he's male. I don't know if normal, psychologically healthy parents have favorites, but they might connect better with some children than they do others and they do know that they should probably refrain from openly playing favorites, since all it does is create tension and build resentment.
Trimmer Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 in all honesty, I don't think my parents played favorites with us kids, just had different relationships with us, based on our personalities and our mutual likes or desires. We all will have very different experiences from our own families, but in my family, this was the situation, and I think it's a healthy one. I make it a point with my own kids to recognize that I'm not even going to try to make things be exactly "equal" at every moment. They are not the same person, so of course my relationship with each of them will not be the same. I try to create an atmosphere in which it's not about winning or losing, one in which I make it clear that I will always have abundant love and a close bond with each of them, and that I treasure my time with them individually, without that representing a competitive "loss" to the other one. They are different people, and I am vigilant to seek out, foster, and celebrate those connections and bonds with me that are unique and different in each of them. I think it's going pretty well, although who knows - maybe they'll both hate me (equally!?!?) when they grow up!!!
Simon Attwood Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 There is a phrase "Middle Child Syndrome" for a reason; The youngest naturally gets the lion's share of attention, the oldest gets the authority. As a child's emotional regulatory systems are developing, predominantly up to the age of 3 or 4, they seek and need attention. This is why it is better to leave a few years between having children because it gives a child a better chance to develop it's emotional self prior to having to deal with competition for attention. Often, a child, that is swiftly followed by another child, who then gets the lion's share of parental attention, will have certain emotional regulatory issues as an adult if they are made to feel left out and to play second fiddle to their younger sibling and may hold resentment and aggressive feelings, either expressed or repressed, towards their sibling. A middle child, within a set of siblings of close age, may have resentment towards both older and younger siblings, because they suffered from a sense of lack of power because the older sibling held the reins of authority, and the younger appeared to get more loving. they will then, as adults, be constantly seeking power within their relationships
Lizzie60 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I am absolutely sure that most parents do have a favourite.. they will never acknowledge it.. because it wouldn't be fair... but they do. I have 2 children.. and my daughter has always been my favourite.. You CANNOT love 4-8 persons at the EXACT same level.. it's impossible IMO
Trimmer Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I am absolutely sure that most parents do have a favourite.. they will never acknowledge it.. because it wouldn't be fair... but they do. I have 2 children.. and my daughter has always been my favourite.. You CANNOT love 4-8 persons at the EXACT same level.. it's impossible IMO Another unprovable "truth", as anyone who disagrees with you just falls right into your scenario. See, I told you you wouldn't acknowledge it... Anyway, it may be true for you, and your reasoning would be logical, for someone who considers "love" to be quantifiable one-dimensionally on a scale where everybody "measures up" along the same axis, and is therefore comparable. This may well be true for you, and I'm not saying that disparagingly, but that's not true for everyone. And yes, I know you said "most", but you also said "absolutely sure." I like both apples and oranges. If you asked me which one I liked more, which was my favorite, I truly wouldn't have an answer for you - not an honest one anyway. Put a gun to my head and give me a Sophie's Choice and tell me that I have to pick one that is my favorite and and I won't be able to have the other one for the rest of my life, and sure, I'll flip a coin and pick one, but sorry, inside I like them both, I don't "prefer" one to the other, and they are just two different things to me. It's just how I am. There are some things I recognize, and like - and love - as being different without needing, or even being able to, measure them on a single identical scale: favored and less favored; love you more, love you less.
Stung Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 When me and my little bro were kids, we used to always ask 'who's your favourite?' My parents were very diplomatic and would always say 'well you're my favourite girl and your brother is my favourite boy.' But DO parents have a favourite or preferred child? Especially if one is more of an achiever and the other is perhaps lazy etc. IMO, it's common for a parents' love to ebb and flow and eddy around all their children, sometimes washing strongest over one at a time but always returning to flow over the others in similar proportion. Perhaps it's expressed--even experienced--differently for different children, but it's not quantifiably 'better' for one than for the others. What do I know though, I am an only child. I have one biological child and a stepdaughter and two goddaughters whom I have shared custody of, and I love them ALL tremendously and they all loom very important in my life, but I admit that my feelings for my toddler son are not quite the same as my feelings for the others. Is that because he is still a baby? Is it because he is my favorite? Is it because he is the only one I don't share with other mothers, and so I feel he needs me more? Is it because he is biologically mine? Is it because I have raised him from the moment of his birth, unlike the other children? I don't know, maybe a little bit of all of those. I'm not sure if it's a fair comparison to what you were asking, since my children all come from different places and only one of them lives with me full-time. I do consider myself a parent to all of them and none of them suffers for lack of my love and regard, though, that's for sure. I know some parents do have real favorites. My husband is his mother's favorite, quite clearly, his whole family knows it--I find it a bit appalling on behalf of his sisters but they all seem to take it in stride, at least on the surface. He is also the only boy and she leans quite heavily on him now that she is a widow, even though his sisters are in her daily life MUCH more often than we are (some of them even live on the same property).
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Yesterday I would have answered this like everyone else. Not a favorite, love them both to pieces. Its easier to be around an easy going kid for sure! They are both very different. TODAY however, I have a favorite! Or maybe a LEAST favorite of the two would be a better explanation! Anyone want to trade a kid for a week!
Citizen Erased Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Growing up, my sister was my dad's favourite, my brother was my mother's favourite. It hurt before but it created a dynamic with my parents that I became independent from them and has made it easier for me to move to a different country. Not having their support is something I'm used to. Strangely enough, I was the smarter one and did the best at school, didn't give them any trouble. I guess it's easy to ignore the one that doesn't make a peep. I'm my mother's favourite now. Only because my sister and my brother are fighting with her. Woo for me.
Tayla Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I will say this from two perspectives: As a daughter I was definitely an outcast in my biological dads Idealogy of Love and how to disperse it. It went one way, He loved his sons and made no bones about that fact. As a Mother of two wonderful grown sons I have been terribly blessed and left wondering ...Did I show preferances and say things that would come back to harm the relationship in the long run....To my youngest I must have...He verbally shares it (which is a plus that he expresses it, yet so painful to hear). In my heart though I love them uniquely and unequivocally for the persons they have become...A mothers love can be so powerful and cross over so many barriers others would put walls up to.
Trimmer Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 TODAY however, I have a favorite! Or maybe a LEAST favorite of the two would be a better explanation! Anyone want to trade a kid for a week! Since you didn't specify, I'll take the good one!
SoleMate Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 They're both my favorites. Each is unique, and so very different. It's not like having two scoops of "girl-flavored" ice cream. Each one surprises me every day - often in a good way. :-;
jean-luc sisko Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Of course they do. In every family unit, one child has more love than others do. It's human nature.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Since you didn't specify, I'll take the good one! I thought it was implied. I'ld trade my bad one for two though! I see people saying that a sibling was loved more because they got a car or had more oportunities. It only makes sense that as the parents age, they become more financially secure. I was given an old Maverick when I turned 16, my youngest sister got a new Volvo. I could sit and talk to my father for hours on end but my sister couldn't have a conversation with him without arguing. He got along with me a hundred times better and she with my mom, but that isn't LOVE. He bought her the Volvo and sent her to the best college, he offered me one year a new wardrobe and a chance at a MRS. degree (that was the family joke). Those things don't mean a parent loves on kid over another. I've seen families financially ruined over a BAD "young adult" child that they were constantly bailing out of trouble. Obviously they loved that child enough to jeopardize their own security but I bet they didn't like them very much. When I became an adult and had my first child I became best friends with my mom, realized what a great person she was and as I matured we saw eye to eye on most everything, despite the fact that I was sure as a teen that her main goal in life was to make mine as miserable as she could.
Trimmer Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I see people saying that a sibling was loved more because they got a car or had more oportunities.... Those things don't mean a parent loves on kid over another.... When I became an adult and had my first child I became best friends with my mom, realized what a great person she was and as I matured we saw eye to eye on most everything, despite the fact that I was sure as a teen that her main goal in life was to make mine as miserable as she could. I agree. I think people want to "measure" love, to be reassured that there is enough, and they aren't losing to someone else. Prove that you love me. So they look at differences in circumstance, opportunity, personality, temperament, and collapse those all into a measure of how much love: am I favored, or less favored? The way I approach my children, and the way I hope to teach them to treat their relationships, is to treat and treasure each relationship as an individual one, not to value it in measure as it relates or competes with others. How much of my love do you get? All of it. How much of my heart do I give you? All of it. Nothing I do with anyone else takes away from that. Minutes on the clock or the price of a gift are just logistics. Don't confuse those with "how much" I love you.
quankanne Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 How much of my love do you get? All of it. How much of my heart do I give you? All of it. Nothing I do with anyone else takes away from that. interesting observation, trimmer. And it's even more interesting to interact with someone who, by all accounts is a highly beloved member of a family, spend their time trying to convince everyone around them that "Mama and Daddy have never loved me as much as they did my brother/sister" ... I'm not talking about someone who has grown up in a situation of abuse or neglect, but someone who chooses to perpetuate an alternate reality that paints them as a poor, unloved victim of their family.
threebyfate Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I would say that some parents play favourites and others don't. But weighing what one kid got over another is a pretty futile way to waste time and emotion. My parent helped out one of my brothers when he overextended his business. None of us (besides my envious, petty, resentful sister) begrudged this one bit. Not that it mattered but he insisted on paying it back when he got his company back onside with a reasonable level of cash flow and has since organically grown his company substantially! We're all proud of his accomplishments since he learned a key business lesson and took it to heart. Our one sister was always looking around, trying to decide who got more of what. When my mother decided to distribute her heirloom jewelry amongst the kids, my sister insisted on getting THE most expensive pieces. The rest of us just rolled our eyes and told our mother to plse, plse give them to her so she shuts up. So my mother did this and since that time, our sister has been bitching about what the rest of us got which was substantially less than what she did. We'd all love to stitch a permanent sock in her mouth and have told her such. If she happens to die of thirst and starvation, c'est la vie.
sweetjasmine Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I agree. I think people want to "measure" love, to be reassured that there is enough, and they aren't losing to someone else. Prove that you love me. So they look at differences in circumstance, opportunity, personality, temperament, and collapse those all into a measure of how much love: am I favored, or less favored? That's true. But there's also a difference between being loved and being favored. I know my parents love me, for instance, but they definitely treat me differently than they do one of my brothers. If parents are hypercritical of one child but not the other, it makes sense that the target of criticism would feel less favored than the other. The "I'm not the favorite" complaint isn't always about money, cars, and gifts. Sometimes there are actual problems. The way I approach my children, and the way I hope to teach them to treat their relationships, is to treat and treasure each relationship as an individual one, not to value it in measure as it relates or competes with others. How much of my love do you get? All of it. How much of my heart do I give you? All of it. Nothing I do with anyone else takes away from that. I really like what you wrote here.
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