IfiKnewThen Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 re-posting this thread. it was on LDR. just want some thoughts from the coping department hi i have a long story, had a LDR relationship 10 years. he was great to me, but major stresses began in my life and he always seemed ok when i would talk to him about it, until in the last 6 months that we were together. he couldn't take the weight of it anymore and kept it ALL INSIDE himself..and fantasied about having a better relationship outside of me maybe someday..etc. of course he never told me this until it was too late and sneakily broke off with me. yes, he didn't even have the nerve to do it directly even tho we are long distance. he told me he wasn't going to his friends to do something one day and at the last minute went and told me he lied about not wanting to go because i was always too hard to talk to and he didn't want to hear anything or get confrontation..etc. and then gradually he was distant and cold and mean till he said cant we just be friends. meanwhile he always kept EVERYTHING..........i mean EVERYTHING inside of himself and resented me on the inside and acted all nice on the outside...etc up until that point. ok, so we are broke up and have been for near 4 months now. at first he was so cold and horrible and no i didnt do N/C BUT i wasnt hardly ever the one to contact him. i more or less did follow the leader, and only spoke to him or answered him when he called me. i told him i was remorseful about not giving him more confidence to talk to me and that i wished i had treated him more lovingly when i was stressed with things other than him. he told me he was tired of feeling like he was evil..etc. i told him he made me happy and thought he knew that..etc. i really am not this bad...in fact all i do is blame myself...only to the extent that i know he was giving more and i kept draining him without being nicer to him for being there for me when i needed him. i have been depressed and remorseful etc. yet i did give a lot to this man too. sacraficed a lot. but since he was very good to me (except that he hid his real feelings all the darn time and let them build to our destruction with no fair warning for me to shape up or ship out..prior) i wanted to start being better by being a friend to him and treating him with dignity and respect. so i accpeted being friends but he wasnt friendly much. but i kept at it and was still nice. i didnt call him as i said...but i was nice and once in a while sent a nice email just updating him from time to time. plus i changed a lot and pushed myself to be more independent. i have a disability, and few friends since i don't get out much..and i became dependent on him from a distance. anyway, i took all blame and we when he stopped being SO cold we finally became a little wee bit of friends. it improved : ) respectful emails..etc. (but he never speaks from the heart and soul) just terse friendly stuff. he did tell me he found someone one day but he had to see how it went because she too is LDR and wanted to get to know her. here's the wind up and here's my problem. i started telling him all the good things that i was making happen in my life. like making the most of my summer and getting out more and being more independent. he said it was great and was a shame i didn't do all that sooner...before. he still doesn't talk about himself at all. but said he was proud of me and such. he did manage to call me recently and acted all concerned about the weather reports we were getting in my area. so, all looked good as far as being some kind of less cold amicable friends. wooo hoo. then he started talking about his sexual desires. no details just in general. because he called me one night in the middle of the night and i missed his call. when i asked why he called, he said you dont want to know. i said tell me please. i wanted to know something about his feelings and soul. he was vague but i got the gist of why he called. it was a sexual thing. ok so then we had some more brief but more frequent, irregular emails...about this and that. everyday stuff. ok, so we are just friends. but more like hi and good bye and some fun small converstions in email here and there. then my phone rang in the middle of the night/am. it was him..(still a little shook up here) and i was out of a dead sleep, and i am not going to get into any detail here ..but he went right into... phone sex. i was taken back but since i had neglected him with my illness/disability for a great length of time..sighs 2 years...out of the 10 were were together.. i stayed on the line listening to him..gosh this is embarrassing listening to what he had to say. i wanted to be there for him like he was always there for me with all my darn problems. i never did this before and i knew we are just some beginning kind of friends now..while we can be. then afterwards he said..sorry. i said it was ok. sighs...and we hung up. i was ok..until he didnt even call all day to say..something like "hey that was cool of you to hang in there for me. i lost my senses" say something like that. anything. just n/c and silence today. this was never the kind of guy he was with me while in the relationship. but here now, didn't do/say a thing..aka call. and now of course i feel like a jerk. i want to tell him so...but i am concerned he will just feel bad about himself again like he said he did thru the whole relationship and then used that against me. he always said i can never do anything right...i feel like i always mess up..etc. i dont want to give him another rock to throw at me but him saying or secretly feeling bad and evil and then distancing himself more when we did have some minor break-thru's. on the other hand.. if i dont say anything, then i feel like i have to crawl out from under a rock myself. i feel used. i feel worse. why would he just call today and even laugh it off with me. i never felt this way before . its so weird because i was always in a relationship when any intimacy involved. i wasnt intimate..i just was there for him and listening to what was on his mind. he took me by surprise at 3 am and in a dead sleep. anyway, i need some suggestions as to what to maybe say to him at this point. i kinda want to say.."hey i was feeling like i let you down in so many ways so i really wanted to be there for you like you were for me in different ways when i needed you in the past...like when i had stresses and problems and you listened to them all the time. but thats when you were my b/f and not this on and off friend you are now. so i dont want to make you feel bad or anything..but that cant and wont happen again. does that sound ok? or what else to say...? any thoughts? i am sick of being in this position of wanting to get closer and thought there might be hope and we were making headway and at least respectful kind emails and now this whammy. yes, i guess i left myself open for this because i did admit i missed him when he told me why he called one night out of the blue. but it FEELS like he didn't care and took it too a whole other level with this call. i think he wanted to see what he could get away with. anyway, any thoughts. please don't beat me up too much. this is a guy i did not give anything to for 2 years..in the 10 years because of stress and illness. but he understood that and said he was ok with that. that it was the attitude i had that made him..become deceitful in his feelings and hidden and leave ultimately. he did tell me prior to his middle of the night call in an email a week ago..that he recognizes that i am a new person and he really noticed a bonified change in me. so here i thought we were getting along. now i feel like a jerk! listening to him and NO phone call today!! update the 2nd day he emailed this. "just wanted to say hi" how are you? and talked about the weather there. i wrote back i am fine and you? and said i heard they are having heavy rains down there. anything more i can say past that?
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