I know I need to bottom line it and accept it but I feel like she is sending me mixed

[Medan]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read this. Here is my delima. *we have been dating for 2 years*

 

G/F and I had our last fight about a month ago. She got mad and left (which is not like her, I am the one who usually gets mad and leaves) I was sick so she had come over the night before to take care of me. I was taking the next day off work while she had to work. She wanted to go to the store and get me some medicine. I told her I go could go since I did not want her to miss any more time from work. Back in Nov she stayed with me for a week since I had knee surgery. She got some grief from her boss about being late to work. I did not want her to get any more grief, especially when I was able to go to the store myself. I know realize that it must have hurt her because I did not let her do something for me; and I know it would have hurt me if she did not want to let me do something for her.

 

She called that night and asked if she could come over. I told her I was still sick and did not think I would make good company. I also told her I thought it was sad that we could not go any lenght of time without one of us making the other one mad. (I was still kind of upset) She called a week later and we talked but it was about general things. I am sure she was testing the water, and I basically blew her off.

 

Well I have gotten to that point that I realize how important she really is to me. How she made me feel, and how I took her for granted. I have also realized that it is ok to argue but that you just can't seperate yourself completly from the other person. This is something I am committed to fixing.

 

I called her last Sunday and left her a voice mail (since she was not answering her phone) that I wanted to talk to her. I sent her some flowers on Monday as well. She sent me an email Monday asking if I still wanted to talk. She called me on her way from home and I basically told her that I loved her, missed her, needed her and was sorry. Yes I know I just became the person she did not fall in love with. Sometimes it feels like being honest and sincere would help you, not hurt you. She had not received the flowers yet since she left early. She basically told me that she loved me, thought I was gorgeous and was the only man she has ever wanted to marry but it was over. That she was not having sex with me (she brought that up) and that she could not date me anymore. That it just hurt too much when we break up. She felt that she could never trust that I would be there for her.

 

She called me Tuesday to let me know that she got her flowers and asked if I wanted to come up and see them. Well they sent the wrong ones! *they were ugly* I explained this to her and we went out to dinner. Once again I told her that I wanted her. Was willing to set a date to get engaged etc. She basically was crying and telling me that she loved me but that she could not date me anymore. Afterwards she said we ought to go back to my house to finish talking. At this point I knew I was just sinking so I stopped talking about us until I hugged her good bye and told her that she knew how I felt and it was now up to her (something else I should not have said)

 

Wed she got the right flowers and asked if I wanted to come see them. I told her I was going to take my dogs to the park so I went and picked her up from work, we got the dogs and went to the park. I did not talk about us just made sure we had a good time. She said she would have invited me to dinner if I did not have the dogs with me.

 

She sent an email saying that she had fun. She said it was great to see me smile and asked if I ever wanted a home cooked meal or just company for a bit to let her know because she does worry about me. I did not comment on her cooking for me or spending time with her.

 

That night she called me asking if I could come up and walk her to her car since someone was outside of her work and she was the only one there. I told her of course but she then decided if I just stayed on the phone with her that would work since she did not want to have me drive all the way up there.

 

She then sends me an email telling me that I was her knight in shinning armor for being willing to go up to her work last night. That she had oodles of fun at the park and asked how I was doing. I told her that she could always call me if she thought she was in trouble or needed someone to talk to.

 

I know I need to accept her at her word that it is over (easier said than done) But my problem is that I feel like she is giving me false hope. We have always gotten back together. She is even the one who told me this in the past. Maybe she is doing this because she really does care about me and she does not want to feel bad.

 

But why would she:

 

Offer to come back to my house after telling me it was over?

Still be wearing some of my clothes that she said she was meaning to get back to me?

Still be wearing the heart necklace I gave her?

Asking me if I want to come up to see her flowers at work and go out?

Go to the park with me?

Offering to cook meals for me?

Why hug me?

Why tell me you still want to buy me something that you did not get for me at Christmas?

 

I know I need to wait and see if she contacts me (Of course I will try to move on with my life, not just sit at home)

 

I know I need to be the man that she fell in love with, not someone who is coming off as needy (desperation took over)

 

I have not heard from her since Thursday morning when she sent the email saying I was her knight in shining armor.

 

Thanks in advance

 

Medan

[Marty_McFly]

I don't think you're sounding needy at all. If you aren't really initiating much of the contact, aren't mentioning the relationship, and not responding in kind when she brings up things about you guys being together, then I don't see how you're being needy at all because you really aren't asking for anything.

 

What you're doing is being her friend. Maybe she wants this to help her smooth a transition to you guys not being together, or maybe she does really want to be with you but is afraid right now of trying again and failing again. Maybe eventually she will decide she does still want to be with you, and maybe she won't. I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but you do have to decide for yourself whether just being friends is acceptable to you right now or if it's too hard on you.

 

If you do decide to remain her friend, and you do want to get back with her, then you're best bet is to probably continue playing as you've described in your post. The only other things I would suggest is in some way subtly showing that you've changed some of things that you probably did wrong, and also probably withdrawing just a little bit, not being quite as available to her as you have been, (helping her when she's in danger is definitely ok, but maybe just not always being there when she just wants to "chat" or just wants company or whatever) so that she can start to realize that she could be facing a life without you.

[Medan]

Thanks for the reply and advice.

 

The needy part came from when I was telling her on Monday and Tuesday that I did love her, wanted her, and needed her. I also told her that I thought she was giving up on us. I was trying to convience her that things could work. (even though I told her if she already had made up her mind that it wasn't going to work then it wasn't going to work) I told her I was not trying to convience her to be with me (even though I was)

 

I am trying to back off and not be too accessable to her but I still do not understand her motivation for these things. I guess I am afraid it is to make herself feel better, which tells me that it is really over.

 

It seems ironic once you realize your ready to give that special person what they want, its too late.

[Goatsbreath]

Wow, I think you just need to be open. First off, I dont even really understand why you guys broke up. I mean, from what I gather you didn't want her to go to the store for you and now the relationship has fell on hard times. WHAT!!! I know there must be moree......RIGHT? Anyway, bottom line is this. Her behavior is not matching the words coming out of her face. Tell her that you have clearly put out on the table want you want from the relationship. Shes putting shi!!T out on the table but saying you can't have it. Tell her to make up her mind because the milks going bad with the drama.

[Medan]

No that was what caused the last fight. She is the type of person that loved to do things for me. Sometimes I would have a hard time with it (since I am pretty independent) but at the same time that is one of the things that attacts me to her.

 

The problem is that I have not been there in the past for her when we had fights. I let too much time go by before trying to work things out. Its not only what we fought over, but the process.

 

I am at the point where I can compromise to keep her but not sure if I will get that chance. I know if I would have been willing to do this six, three, or even a month ago things would be a lot different.

[Goatsbreath]

Well, how much time are we talking went by. Still, whatever, Despite all that....- you are there for her now. Perhaps she feels she has to play a little game first so she feels better about accepting the relationship back into her life. Maybe this feels like some control over the situation for her. My guess is if you lay off for a while and just say- "Look, you know where my feelings stand".....along those lines. She will be back.

[Medan]

Thanks

 

I am thinking that it is just the difference between men and women. I beleive she feels like I will never change so she has decided to move on.

 

I think she still loves me, thus the caring and wanting to do things for me and make sure I am ok, but at the same time she is not in love with me and does not want to be with me anymore. I would love to think otherwise and it would be easy to mis-interpet her actions. I think I will have to accept that it is over unless she comes out and says otherwise. Once again easier said than done!

 

Anyone else have any input?

[havehope31]

Medan,

 

I too have experience some recent unpleasantries. Although she is sending mixed signals, you shouldn't feel that she is doing this to hurt you. She, too, has to deal with this the best she can and I"m sure she wants you to get along the best way you can. The problem is that we all deal with these things differently. I am recently dumped and my girl has been calling me and telling me she loves me and misses me and wants to be friends. I"m sure i'll be able to oneday maybe, but right now i can't and have to focus on getting my life back together and enjoying everything else out there. There are so many others out there and you just have to beleive. Perhaps you will be walking down the street one day or will be standing on a crowded square and you will meet her again. Or you will meet someone else. THere is no rhyme or reason to all of this. Take what you have learned and if it is destiny for her to be back with you, then that's how it will be. Don't read too much into things. I'm sorry that I know you may not want to hear this, but do what is best for you. The pain will subside. Do not do anything you will regret and do not lose your way.

[faux]

Let this girl figure out what it is she wants from you before you put any more effort or worry into the situation. Don't make any moves. She can do that and is obviously in the position to do so if she wants anything from you.

 

Just don't let it get to the point where you are always trying to talk to her to "fix" things. This may drive her nuts and she might cause you loads of trouble.

 

I think if she wants something more then SHE is the one who can come and give you a straight answer. If she talks to you again I suppose letting her know you're confused about what she is doing will help. She may not herself realize it. She already knows you're interested again.

 

Just don't try to "fix" things or '"change"/"make things work". Let her contact you if she wants.

[Medan]

Thanks for the advise and support.

 

I know I need to not let it get to me and move on with my life. My emotions are like a roller coaster though.

 

If I do not hear from her for 2 weeks then I will make contact with her to return her things. (of course I will keep the encounter brief by telling her I have somewhere to go but wanted to get her things back to her) I will not be bitter nor will I make it sound like it was her decision. If she wants to tell me she is so sorry or something like that I will just tell her we both knew relationships required a lot of work (and leave it at that) Telling me she is sorry or still cares about me is not the same thing as saying she wants to try and make it work.