I'm not accepting the break up

[kirbkirb]

We were together for a year and a half. Its been a pretty turbulent relationship due mostly to the fact that about 3 months into the realtionship he had sex with his next door neighbor. He ended up admitting it to me about a month after it happened otherwise I would have had no clue, I wasn't even remotely suspicious of anything. He told me one night while we were having a converstation about us and he realized that I was considering us a couple, he said he was sorry for it but he didn't feel like he had cheated on me because we hadn't defined our relatiship status and the last time we discussed it we decided that we were casually dating. I had a very different view on that because it had been 4 months since we had the converstation about us casually dating and since that converstation things had changed dramtically between us, we had told each other that we were in love with each other, said I Love You every day, we had started spending the night at each others places regularly, spending all our free time with each other, talking about our future ect. I felt as though another talk about relationship status shouldn't have been necessary and I felt betrayed and as though he had cheated on me. I was crushed. I "forgave" him though and we continued on with our relationship with a clearly defined status as a couple now. For a month or 2 after that things were ok and I tried to let it go. Then I started becoming resentful and mistrusting. I questioned everything and felt like I didn't get the closure I needed from the situation. There was another incident about a month later that shook my trust in him again and then I really started lashing out. I tried to get over it and couldn't, it just kept consuming my thoughts.

My resentment grew andI kept my anger inside and started bring up the neighbor at random times and starting a fight about it again. I started being extremely critical of EVERYTHING he did, I would put him down all the time, really all the time. I would make horrible comments about how he was putting on weight or that he wasn't parenting his children correctly. From time to time I would just flat out tell him that he was a pig or a piece of ****. He was good to me during all this time, helped me more than anyone every has in my life and I contiued t odo this to him daily, it had gotten even worse for the past few months. We fought big time weekly. He put up with this for a year, he tried to talk to me about how he felt in a round about way about a month ago but I didn't listen to what he was saying.

He finally broke up with me Saturday night saying that he couldn't take being depressed anymore. I make him feel worthless and I'm never happy about anything. I put him down in front of other people and he would rather be alone than be brought down on a daily basis. He said of course he still loves me very much and wants to see only good things happen to me but he just couldn't be with me anymore. He said that he still wants to be good friends and if we could build a strong friendship that could possibly develop into a realtionship again but that we never had a strong foundation when we started and if anything was going to ever be with us we had to have that but no promises we would just have to see how things go as friends. I cried and told him I was sorry and I didn't realize I had gotten that bad and to give me a chance to prove to him that I could treat him differently.He said no that this was the way it had to be and he had been thinking about it for weeks. We went to sleep and the next morning I again asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted he said yes.

I understand that while in theory what he was saying seems logical but to me after you've been in a serious relationship with someone for that long doesn't seem all that do able. Especially with me having the hopes of another relationship coming out of it. I'm very much in love with him and can't sit across from him and act like I'm not.

So now my confusion: He said that he definatly wanted to break up abd that he had been thinking about it for a while and that he wanted to havve a friendship with me. Well the breakup happened Saturday night/ Sunday morning, with me leaving his house to go home Sunday morning. He texted me Monday morning asking if I wanted to come over and hang out since we were both off of work, I went over and we just watched TV and made small talk didn't talk about us or anything, as I was leaving I gave him a very long letter I had written saying I was sorry for everything, explaining why I may have acted the way I did, how I realze now what I was doing, I only want him to be happy and I love him ect. That night we were both scheduled to attened a mutual friends BBQ so I went for a little bit and then left. We didn't really talk there. Then yesterday (Tuesday) he called me from work just to chit chat while he was on his was to another job just like he used to do while we were together.

Is this his way of being friends? I mean we've only been broken up for 3 days and he's already wanted to hang out once and has called just to chit chat like nothing is weird. Is he regretting his decsion? or maybe this is just his way of softening the blow for me? or does he really just think that we're just buddies now after one day and thinks this is normal because he made it clear that he wanted to be friends? I want him back desperatly and would do anything to show him that but I also want to give him what he needs, part of this seems like mixed signals to me but I may be reading to much into it because I want to.

I know some of this may sound childish but we aren't children I'm 26 and he's 29. Please someone help me gain so perspective on where to go from here, I love this man and want to have a life with him but I fear I may have pushed him to far.

[shayan]

I understand your situation from both perspectives, because I have experienced both. He says that a relationship is impossible to build without a grounds of friendship, but let me take this further, a friendship is impossible to build without the grounds of trust and respect and neutrality (you can't be in love with someone who just wants to be your friend). At this stage in your relationship I doubt either of you are able to trust eachother, It seems like he feels you don't respect him and I know you feel betrayed cause you were cheated on. And it is obvious that you both still have feelings for eachother because the break up was recent, so forget neutrality. Now that I have set up my logic, at this point an attempt at friendship will be futile, you still have feelings and love him you will desperately wan't to get back with him and your insecurities will continue to percipitate in your relationship. He the dumper has probably spent some time emotionally detaching himself from you that means he is much less likely to want to get back together. So what I'm telling you is don't try a blind attempt at being friends when you know that would be torturous for you. Allow me to ask you something what if he begins seeing other women during this process, he is perfectly able to do this now that you are both just friends. So my advice is if you're still after this guy which I understand then talk to him, hang out with him, try doing things with him that you guys enjoyed and don't shy away from being intimate with him again to rekindle your relationship go after what your heart desires. But, please don't pretend, and hide your true feelings around him in hopes that one day your friendship will rekindle his heart, because when you change the patterns of a relationship that's what tends to happen. Talk to him and tell him what you want, tell him you are ok with (if you are) stepping back but with the intent to save your relationship, because you still want to be with him. Also you'll feel very hurt having to wear a mask and then feeling depressed afterwards, I know this pain. What would I personally do, I would let him go, mourn my loss, and then start a new relationship. But, honestly their might be hope for your relationship to work again so I don't want to deter you.

 

Whatever you do, make sure it's what you want, but be honest with yourself, don't pretend because our hearts hate pretending.

 

Shayan

[Lemontang]

This is almost word for word on what I went through of a 3 year relationship copping more than my fair share of abuse to such an extent that she successfully pushed me away. I still care about her, but I could never go back without her first seeking help, which sadly I know will never happen with her. But such are the problems some people face in an abusive relationship.

 

Being at the receiving end I recommend from what you've said you speak to a professional or ask him to come with you to couples councelling, actions speak louder than words and a letter can only go so far. Things could be rosy for a few months if you guys get back on deck but being realistic if you haven't got the tools to keep your relationship in check then it's only going to fall apart again opening the wound so much it may never heal.

 

He'll also see that your being proactive in willing to make things work not just for him but for yourself as well. It's good to accept that not everyone's perfect including yourself and that we all need a little help sometimes.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[kirbkirb]

I understand your situation from both perspectives, because I have experienced both. He says that a relationship is impossible to build without a grounds of friendship, but let me take this further, a friendship is impossible to build without the grounds of trust and respect and neutrality (you can't be in love with someone who just wants to be your friend). At this stage in your relationship I doubt either of you are able to trust eachother, It seems like he feels you don't respect him and I know you feel betrayed cause you were cheated on. And it is obvious that you both still have feelings for eachother because the break up was recent, so forget neutrality. Now that I have set up my logic, at this point an attempt at friendship will be futile, you still have feelings and love him you will desperately wan't to get back with him and your insecurities will continue to percipitate in your relationship. He the dumper has probably spent some time emotionally detaching himself from you that means he is much less likely to want to get back together. So what I'm telling you is don't try a blind attempt at being friends when you know that would be torturous for you. Allow me to ask you something what if he begins seeing other women during this process, he is perfectly able to do this now that you are both just friends. So my advice is if you're still after this guy which I understand then talk to him, hang out with him, try doing things with him that you guys enjoyed and don't shy away from being intimate with him again to rekindle your relationship go after what your heart desires. But, please don't pretend, and hide your true feelings around him in hopes that one day your friendship will rekindle his heart, because when you change the patterns of a relationship that's what tends to happen. Talk to him and tell him what you want, tell him you are ok with (if you are) stepping back but with the intent to save your relationship, because you still want to be with him. Also you'll feel very hurt having to wear a mask and then feeling depressed afterwards, I know this pain. What would I personally do, I would let him go, mourn my loss, and then start a new relationship. But, honestly their might be hope for your relationship to work again so I don't want to deter you.

 

Whatever you do, make sure it's what you want, but be honest with yourself, don't pretend because our hearts hate pretending.

 

Shayan

 

 

I think this might be some pretty sound advice. His birthday is saturday and all of our friends are going out to a bar that night to celebrate, I think I will attened (I'll ask if he's comfortable with me doing so) and after that if he attempts to ask me to hang out with him as friends again I'll go hang out and just be honest and tell him that I'm not hanging out with him to be his buddy I'm doing so in hopes of re-entering a relationship with him. If he needs time thats fine, if he wants to hang out for now with no strings thats fine but I will not keep up the buddy facade because I am in love with him to my core. Sound like the right path?

[spiderowl]

This probably won't be what you want to hear but from the sound of it he made this decision a while ago. I suspect that emotionally he has moved on and is in a different place to you. Friends would be OK for him as this hasn't just been sprung on him; he's past that stage now, whereas you haven't had time to take this in and come to terms with him ending the romantic relationship.

 

For whatever reason, whether it was lack of communication on his part or lack of listening on yours, you didn't realise how unhappy he was. You are now agreeing with him that you did behave in a way that made him unhappy, whatever triggered your feelings of insecurity and depression in the first place. Perhaps he felt he gave you chance to change and you didn't. The situation now is that he is comfortable with being friends but has withdrawn from a romantic commitment. He is sort of offering you a possible way back by saying he will see how the friendship goes, but it's impossible to tell whether this is a way of softening the blow or if he really means it. Honestly, I feel he's opted out now and is unlikely to reverse his decision. I believe decisions are made unconsciously and once made are very solid unless there is significant evidence of change that challenges the original assumptions.

 

Apart from my feeling that he's unilikely to change his mind now, would you really want to be in a position where you felt you were 'on trial' and having to try to win him back? To be fair, the act that triggered your insecurity was not insignificant, despite his protestations that nothing had been agreed about exclusiveness. I think at the back of your mind you weren't convinced about this because you felt you'd had that discussion and were spending so much time together. I don't see him as blameless in this. Was the picture you painted of him as being long-suffering and patient true or are you overlooking other aspects of his behaviour that did make you feel insecure? Maybe you could talk to a friend or counsellor about this to help you see whether your insecurity did damage things or whether it was a natural reaction to his lack of commitment.

 

He may well treat you as a friend now and call you just as often. You now have to decide whether you want to stay friends with a former lover. You don't have to if it's too difficult. If you want to stay in touch, then you don't have to be as available as before. You can set the boundaries now, not just him. If he appears to want the emotional relationship as before but without the commitment, then that's a lot to ask of you. Maybe he needs to know that things really have changed and that hurt people don't automatically feel like being best friends.

[kirbkirb]

Its a funny thing. I woke up this morning and am not bothered by it as much. I went to an old relationship forum that I used to frequent and looked back at my old post where I had posted about the cheating and tryinig to get over it and looking for advice. Reading that made me rememeber exactly how I felt at the time I wrote it and I got ANGRY. I messed up by treating him like crap but he messed up by not doing anything at all to help me get over my pain from the cheating. So this morning for right not the instant I'm not sad. It may not stay but for right now its here.

[shayan]

Yes I think that's fine, but listen if he does not want to give it a chance. Please do not remain his friend, let him go if this is the case. You guys can be friends again one day but that is when you are completely over him and by then you two will proabably be very different people. Listen to me kirb please, I know you want to do everything at this point to keep him in your life but ultimately you do this cause you love him and want to be with him. Unless he feels like he wants to rebuild things please move on and if you need further support just send me a message or something.

[kirbkirb]

Thanks Shayan. I tried to send you a message but I guess I'm to new tothe site or something? Anyway I get more and more confused by the day, he has still called me every single day since the break up, I haven't called him at all. He still just chit chats, nothing has been brought up about us he just makes small talk about his day ect. What the hell is he doing? Who breaks up with someone and still calls them everyday.

[shayan]

He still misses you this is obvious you guys just broke up. You both will miss eachother for a while, but this does not mean he is still in love with you and I want you to realize this. Talk to him I'm telling you be honest and tell him the way you feel, if things work out great, if not make a break for it and begin your mourning. Oh and I realized you can not private message on LS, so just keep adding to this post and I'll respond. Btw are you doing good things for yourself during this period?

[kirbkirb]

I'm trying to do good things for myself but I'm just not in a good place in life ingeneral right now. I had gotten laid off 6 days before the break up and I'm a single mom in a town that I didn't grow up in and my family lives 2 hours away. Its just hard, I don't have much of a support system here and its hard to get out and do things because of my daughters age.

 

I know part of me is holding on to the fact that that he was saying things like "We need to build a good foundation to have a good relationship" and "I love you so much and I have a passion for you" during the break up. It makes me think that he didn't really want to do it but it had gotten to the point where things were so messed up with us that neither one of could breath and see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Of course that last part is just speculation on my part.I don't want to hold onto something that isn't there and I'm scared to to bring it up again to soon fearing that if I don't give him the time to sort his thoughts out he'll just walk away, But the calling everyday like nothing is wrongis mind boggleing to me.