cellardoor Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Hello, lovely LSers. I've come to you for your sage advice once again. I guess what I'm looking for is a bit of insight, maybe a little reassurance that I'm not weird or alone, and how I might be able to go about fixing a few little things that niggle. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about why I don't get into relationships. Although I've had a FWB or two, and have dated a couple of guys, I've never had a serious long term relationship. At 24, I'm hardly worried that I'm running out of time, but you do start to wonder "is it me? And if it is me, what is it about me?" I'm not even entirely sure what the issue is, but I have noticed that when reading other people's posts and threads, it's far easier to be realistic about a situation when you're not, well... in it. Which is why I come to you asking for a bit of advice. How do you stop being scared of love and relationships? I don't even know if that's the problem, you know? I've been trying to figure it out, but I don't have a lot of romantic relationship experience. It started when I was young and had terribly low self-esteem. I was a bit chubby and awkward looking as a kid, and no boys ever liked me. I made a decision at that point to work on becoming a person that people wanted to know... make em laugh! Regardless of this, my guard was very much up. I would pretend that I didn't care, and over the years my poker face sort of took over my normal face and I have only recently realised that I second guess every man's intentions as an attempt to humiliate me. It's an irrational fear, but one that I can't seem to let go of. Tied in with that is the fear that I'm not really good enough and that any guy I like will just reject me, so I'll beat them to the punch and reject them first. Aha! Take that! I've been told before that I come across as aloof and disinterested, until people sort of force themselves into my consciousness. Honestly I'm just a bit oblivious, and a bit of a daydreamer. I'm often not aware of my surroundings and sometimes someone will talk to me and I just won't notice. Sometimes I wonder if this is deliberate; whether I'm not looking because I'm afraid of what I'll see. I don't really think attractiveness comes into it, because I've been called fat, pretty, hideous, stunning, gorgeous, cute, ugly, average - ALL of it! I've learnt not to let subjective ideas of beauty impact my self-worth, and for the most part, I think I'm just fine where looks are concerned. I take care of myself and I dress well. In terms of my personality, I'm a mixed bag, much like anybody else. I have my good points, and my not so good points, but I am fortunate enough to have very strong close friendships, which I cherish beyond measure. On the surface I have a lot of friends. I'm kinda nonchalant and I don't care and I'm aloof and kind of a bitch. A funny bitch, but a bitch nonetheless. I'm aware that this probably gets in my way, but it has become this sort of knee-jerk reaction that started off as a defence mechanism. My friends who know me WELL know me as a happy, loud, outgoing and fun person who cares about them and puts a lot of effort into the friendship. For the most part, that's generally how I'm perceived. But like I said, the guard is still firmly up and I use my b*tch-face to keep people at arms length. My most recent situation was a FWB thing. It probably had the potential to be more, before it became less. I'm not under any sort of delusions about what we had being more than what it was. I backed off when I started to develop feelings and now we're back to awkwardly being friends. Only, well... you never really go back, do you? Only forward. Sometimes into a place you kinda wish you'd been able to avoid. But what worries me most about this is the fact that I have been so desperate to control my emotions, and maintain that 'I-Don't-Care' facade that I've probably completely misconstrued EVERYTHING to him on my part. In some cases this is definitely an advantage - being able to be emotionally controlled has gotten me out of some potentially explosive arguments. On the flip side, I feel like I'm being dishonest about things and I'm not sure how to stop being afraid of putting it all out there on the line. For example, I never told him any of this. I never told him I liked him, because he made it clear he wasn't interested in more than booty calls. He said that the friendship was important to him, but I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words and his disregard stung a lot. Too much to brush it aside. He doesn't know that, though. As far as he's concerned I've been the best FWB ever, up until it finished. I'm independent, I'm not needy or clingy, I'm kind of emotionally detached. I thought surely he'd noticed, and I really think that in hindsight he did. The more I think about it, the more I realise that he did make an effort to keep the friendship up, but I was so hell bent on retaining this front that I came off as cold and disinterested. He's never said as much, but I know him well enough to know that he responds well to the kinder touch, the warm and caring side of women. And I wanted so badly to be able to show that side, regardless of reciprocation. I wanted to reach out and say "hey I really care about you" and just let it all out there, even if he turned around and said "yeah well I don't feel that way." But I couldn't. I've tried so many times but the words get stuck. I just can't seem to stop being afraid. I want to let people in, I really do. I just am not sure how. Wow, that was long, but kinda cathartic. Any insight or advice would be so greatly appreciated.
bobo113 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Posting on this site is a good start! Its anonymous but at least you're trying to reach out. In my own personal experience with this, I think you have to test the waters slowly and realise that people will reject you a lot less than you think. There are some mean-spirited people out there, but on a whole, i think most people will reciprocate when someone opens up to them. This guy might not feel the same way as you, but it doesn't mean he'll humiliate you. It sounds like he already is/wants to be your friend, so realistically, he'll probably try his best to maintain that. Could you write him an email or a letter to tell him how you feel?
Author cellardoor Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Thanks for the reply! It does feel good to get it off my chest. For a long time I looked outside of myself for the problem, and only now that I'm turning that lens inwards am I finding out what the problems even are to begin with. I'm taking baby steps, and am finding the results to be really encouraging. Instead of being cold and aloof, I'm trying the friendly demeanour. I have to keep reassuring myself that people won't take it the wrong way and think that I'm hitting on them. It was scary at first, you know... randomly smiling at a cute guy I didn't know... but having them smile back was a pleasant surprise! I'm still not brave enough to do it all the time, and sometimes I will be like "Argh, why didn't I smile at him?" but I am better and seeing opportunities. Maybe if I just keep being that friendly smiley girl it will start feeling more second nature. I feel like it's a bit late for me and him with friendship. He gave up on it a while ago, and he's not particularly forgiving. I'm okay to take this as a lesson learnt, but I'm sad that what was once a cool friendship has been ruined by sex. Oh well.
Yo quiero Taco Bell Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 acaba de ser amable conmigo por favor, y os haré corteza... Just be nice and pleasant then hit the bell! We all need some.
skydiveaddict Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Wow, that was long, but kinda cathartic. Any insight or advice would be so greatly appreciated. You're right , it was long, much too long. But anyway, if you want to lose your fear of something, go do it. If you're scared to dance, ask someone to dance. If you're scared to fly, take flying lessons. If you are afraid to trust, then trust, etc. That's how life works.
TheLoveAdvisor Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 You have to wake up the next day and tell yourself, "Today I am going to change" I am going to take down one brick from the wall that has been suffocating me all of my life... Instead of dwelling on the weaknesses that caused you to become who you are, use them as strengths, is a positive way... Go to a place that makes you feel good, and begin your journey with a friend, and let them in.... Tame your bitchy self, and I am not trying to offend you, just using your terms you described... Go to a park and walk while you open up..Go to a bar and have a glass of wine, or a drink.... Be who you are, not what the past made you to be.... What is their to be afraid of?...You don't have to tell him you like him, just show him by your actions, then the words will flow.... If you want a long term relationship, then friendship must come first, then as things progress, sex will happen, but sex should be the last thing you do.... This lets the guy know you want something long term... A good man will respect that.... But you must communicate with him. As by what I read from your post, you seem to expect a person to read your mind, and truly us men cannot read womens minds, we may have an idea what your thinking, but we cant do it all the time... Remember, you have to become approachable if you want to be approached... You have to learn to take chances... Nothing can hurt you more than you were hurt as a child, it made you strong, use that as a tool not a weapon or a shield.... Being kind, is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength! If you trouble saying it, then write it down instead! Like you did tonight! "Hey, I like you!" on a piece of paper, and slide it in his pocket!
NeverLetMeDownAgain Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 cellardoor, I don't have any advice, but I wanted to just state that I totally relate to this: I would pretend that I didn't care, and over the years my poker face sort of took over my normal face and I have only recently realised that I second guess every man's intentions as an attempt to humiliate me. It's an irrational fear, but one that I can't seem to let go of. Tied in with that is the fear that I'm not really good enough and that any guy I like will just reject me, so I'll beat them to the punch and reject them first. Aha! Take that! That's exactly what I do when I meet new people. I just assume that they're going to hate me right off the bat because of my shortcomings. I don't go so far as to push them away, but I just have this mindset like, "You're going to leave, anyway, so why bother with the pretense of caring what I think or feel. Just hurt me now and get it over with so I can get on with my life." I so relate.
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