NillaWafer Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Hi, everyone. So I'm new here..and this is my first *real* post, though I've lurked a while and read up on lots of the info here. I have another s/n, but I wanted total anonymity so I made a new one just for this.... I'm posting here because there is no one outside of this situation that I can confide in that would be able to offer unbiased opinions...and no one close to me that I'd trust with this information. Plus you guys probably have some very valuable insight that might help me gain perspective. So, here it is....I apologize in advance for the length...and the rambling that is probably going to happen.... I'm a young married woman in my late 20s. Been married for 3 years, dating him for 5. In most areas of our relationship we are very compatible and very content. He is a really great guy, the type that most women would kill for...intelligent, hard working, honest, understanding, loyal, handsome...we have similar tastes and similar attitudes about things and I think we've had maybe 2 arguments throughout the duration of our time together. Overall, he's basically pretty awesome. The only thing that disappoints and saddens me is our sex life, which is rather one-sided and lackluster. I just don't feel compelled to be with him, physically, even though he is traditionally good-looking and very attentive to my needs. Its been this way for at least the last 2 years, and I've never really had a problem with it until recently. I have a very close friend that I've known for over 12 years, who happens to live two states away. He's two years younger than me and I've always kinda regarded him as a little brother...we've talked regularly and always visited each other and just were really good friends over the last decade. I've tried to look after him and help him if he needed anything...Never a note of anything sexual between us, just a really strong emotional bond. (You know where this is going, don't you...?) Well for the last two months all of that has been changing. I somehow just realized he's grown now, and is so different from the little kid I usually thought of him as and I find myself becoming more and more attracted to him, both physically and emotionally. I feel like we have this connection that supersedes what I have with my husband...we have a history and a relationship that has always been important to me. Its not like he's saying "hey, leave your husband and get with me" or anything even remotely like that. Its more like a sense that each of us has that things are changing...and neither of us really knows what to do about it. On the one hand, I have security with my husband, and I have all the things I've spent the last several years working for and all the investments I've put into my life and my marriage... On the other hand, I have someone that I've cared about for a long time, who I've always felt connected to and who I can't help but to be attracted to in a way that I'm not attracted to my husband. But I love them both very dearly. So there it is. Before you reply, please know that I'm aware I made a commitment to my husband and that I should work to honor that commitment. I'm not sure I could put all of me into doing that considering the feelings I have for someone else, and while I would not cheat on him, I do feel like he deserves someone that can love him entirely and in every capacity.
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 You know what you want to do. It's just finding the courage to do it.
kuma Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 (edited) The only thing that disappoints and saddens me is our sex life, which is rather one-sided and lackluster. I just don't feel compelled to be with him, physically, even though he is traditionally good-looking and very attentive to my needs. Its been this way for at least the last 2 years, and I've never really had a problem with it until recently. You're having an emotional affair. The sex with your husband is not good, because you're in love with another guy. IMO, you shouldn't leave your marriage for another man. There's no guarantee your new relationship will work out. If you choose to leave your husband, be honest with him. Because he deserves to know the truth. Edited September 8, 2010 by kuma
quankanne Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 The sex with your husband is not good, because you're in love with another guy. no, the married sex isn't good, so she's looking at her buddy in a new light. And it's not an uncommon thing for a married person to do, find answers outside the marriage and convincing ourselves we'd be happier with so-and-so because our spouse doesn't love/respect/understand/get/want us. It's a psychological game we play with ourselves at some point in a committed relationship (and usually not just once!) because we feel we deserve something More than what our SO/spouse is providing. Especially when it involves sex ... fantasizing about another is not uncommon, but you need to make the distinction that your fantasy ideal about the other person isn't necessarily going to be played out the way you see it in your brain. You're much better off learning how to effectively communicate your needs to your husband – and even rethinking your own priorities and needs, and what you can live with – so that you give the marriage the attention it needs. Because I can guarantee you, no matter HOW long you're in a dedicated relationship with someone, you're going to hit a point where you feel unappreciated or unwanted or just ignored by your partner, and your first instinct is to think to yourself, 'Well, XX would be much better at doing things because s/he *gets* me!' the key to successful marriage is to recognize when that happens and figure out a way to address the real problem, rather than keep returning to the fantasy of the other person ...
mem11363 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Thought about specifically why your sex life is so one-sided and lackluster? Have you honestly told him what he does that turns you on/off? Basically my question boils down to this. Have you given your H a fair shot at fixing the problem? How is he different from past lovers who you really clicked with sexually? Some guys are very teachable. Some are not so. There are cases where their egos get in the way, and cases where they simply lack the skill or ability needed to really get good at you and your body. Ultimately though to leave a marriage with no guilt, you have to give your partner a "shot". I could easily write a list of 50 things that turn my W of 20+ years off, and 50 that turn her on. But ONLY because over the years she has honestly, sometimes with brutal candor, shared this information. The process was sometimes painful, the result truly spectacular. Hi, everyone. So I'm new here..and this is my first *real* post, though I've lurked a while and read up on lots of the info here. I have another s/n, but I wanted total anonymity so I made a new one just for this.... I'm posting here because there is no one outside of this situation that I can confide in that would be able to offer unbiased opinions...and no one close to me that I'd trust with this information. Plus you guys probably have some very valuable insight that might help me gain perspective. So, here it is....I apologize in advance for the length...and the rambling that is probably going to happen.... I'm a young married woman in my late 20s. Been married for 3 years, dating him for 5. In most areas of our relationship we are very compatible and very content. He is a really great guy, the type that most women would kill for...intelligent, hard working, honest, understanding, loyal, handsome...we have similar tastes and similar attitudes about things and I think we've had maybe 2 arguments throughout the duration of our time together. Overall, he's basically pretty awesome. The only thing that disappoints and saddens me is our sex life, which is rather one-sided and lackluster. I just don't feel compelled to be with him, physically, even though he is traditionally good-looking and very attentive to my needs. Its been this way for at least the last 2 years, and I've never really had a problem with it until recently. I have a very close friend that I've known for over 12 years, who happens to live two states away. He's two years younger than me and I've always kinda regarded him as a little brother...we've talked regularly and always visited each other and just were really good friends over the last decade. I've tried to look after him and help him if he needed anything...Never a note of anything sexual between us, just a really strong emotional bond. (You know where this is going, don't you...?) Well for the last two months all of that has been changing. I somehow just realized he's grown now, and is so different from the little kid I usually thought of him as and I find myself becoming more and more attracted to him, both physically and emotionally. I feel like we have this connection that supersedes what I have with my husband...we have a history and a relationship that has always been important to me. Its not like he's saying "hey, leave your husband and get with me" or anything even remotely like that. Its more like a sense that each of us has that things are changing...and neither of us really knows what to do about it. On the one hand, I have security with my husband, and I have all the things I've spent the last several years working for and all the investments I've put into my life and my marriage... On the other hand, I have someone that I've cared about for a long time, who I've always felt connected to and who I can't help but to be attracted to in a way that I'm not attracted to my husband. But I love them both very dearly. So there it is. Before you reply, please know that I'm aware I made a commitment to my husband and that I should work to honor that commitment. I'm not sure I could put all of me into doing that considering the feelings I have for someone else, and while I would not cheat on him, I do feel like he deserves someone that can love him entirely and in every capacity.
Iconoclast Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Its more like a sense that each of us has that things are changing...and neither of us really knows what to do about it. You know exactly what to do about it. You just don't want to do that. It's a choice.
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