Withholding sex?

[outofthedark]

Passive/aggressive manipulation? What do you think?

You have a partner that wants sex only on their terms......

a few times a month maybe, but rarely when you initiate it... unless it is oral initiation and then it goes no further than that. You get no reciprocation.

"I'm tired, work is stressing me, I was horny while you were sleeping" etc....

What do you think guys.....

By the way, I am a woman so I am talking about a man withholding here.

[TaraMaiden]

Passive-aggressive behaviour is quite complex, and covers a multitude of problems. I looked it up once, in connection with a really good friend of mine's situation. It ticked all the boxes. see what you think.

 

I'm assuming you have discounted all the possible reasons, like prostate problems, erectile dysfunction, possible diabetes, depression, that kind of thing?

[outofthedark]

there is nothing wrong with him physically. No low test, or ED or anything like that......

I was hoping to get ideas and feedback from others that have either done this to someone, or had this done to them...

Yes I have been told and read stories about how women do this all the time to men, blah blah... don't want to go there as this isn't about that. It is about men doing it to women. OR if you have had this done to you.

I dont really want to see my thread get into a bitch session about the married bitch women that dont put out resulting in sexless marriages... thats for another thread.

We have talked about this but nothing seems to change.... nothing at all!!! I talk, he listens.. nothing changes. Except me maybe tolerating it more then finally getting resentful.. vicious circle getting worse!!!

[outofthedark]

hmmm well the thing is women don't have as much of a sex drive as men do so I don't think it bothers you that much to be honest. It's way worse for a man when his wife is withholding sex than it is for a woman when the man is withholding sex.

 

That is one big generalization based on Gender alone!!!

1) If it didn't bother me, why would I post here? It obviously bothers me a great deal to seek out feedback from strangers!

2) It is way worse for a man, why? Do men biologically NEED it more? I don't think so!!!!

 

Though I appreciate all feedback and advice and opinions, I think you are way off base here.

[redtail]

...

We have talked about this but nothing seems to change.... nothing at all!!! I talk, he listens.. nothing changes. Except me maybe tolerating it more then finally getting resentful.. vicious circle getting worse!!!

 

You may already know the answer to your question but could be looking here for confirmation. That's not a bad thing, but this issue could be a deal breaker.

 

Before things get any worse, keep the communication open and express that this is a make or break situation for you. He needs to understand at that level, that his decisions could cost him this relationship. If he is willing to commit to a mutual resolution, then I'm thinking counseling would be a positive step for both of you.

[TaraMaiden]

....

We have talked about this but nothing seems to change.... nothing at all!!! I talk, he listens.. nothing changes. Except me maybe tolerating it more then finally getting resentful.. vicious circle getting worse!!!

 

Try not talking to him, but asking him questions...

Open-ended ones...

you know the kind: the one to which it's impossible to give either 'yes' or 'no' answers. These questions all begin with the following...

 

where, what, why, when, how, and who.

 

if you begin your questions to him with these words, it will be far more difficult to play the avoidance, or deflection game.

 

Where do you see us in three years' time, without sex?

Where are your emotions in all of this?

 

What about having sex with me, turns you off?

What about my desires, needs and wants?

 

Why do you suppose you don't want sex with me?

Why do you suppose you have such a low sex drive?

 

When did you first realise that sex wasn't a priority for you?

When could we address this problem head on, instead of walking round it like 'an elephant in the room'?

 

How do you think I should cope with this?

How do you honestly feel about me?

 

Who, if anyone, is floating your boat, instead of me?

Who can we turn to, to help us resolve this deal-breaker?

[flying]

I will never understand why people choose to post on a thread just to derail it and be hurtful.

 

Anyway, on topic. ootd, I read your backstory...it's a doozy! Given your history with this man, I'd say his withholding of sex is certainly a passive-aggressive move - it's the sort of thing he's done repeatedly in your relationship with him. Perhaps he still blames you for the end of his marriage, and continues to find new ways to punish you rather than himself??

 

I'm in a relationship with someone whose sex drive has at times been less than mine (I'm the woman) so I sympathize...but it sounds like there's a whole bunch of other stuff going on in your situation that is unique to you.

[blair08]

Don't feed the troll...

 

 

I agree! All of that guys posts I've seen are mostly about how things are the womans fault.

 

Back to the orginal question. I have withheld sex before. Was it wrong? Yes. Of course in my case I did it because I had been doing alot of the giving in our marriage, and got little in return, espcially emotionally.

 

I even talked to him about it, told him how I felt, got nothing from him really. So thats when I withheld. I felt it wasn't fair of me to keep giving while he just took. He finally came around, and we did some MC and things are better. But SOMETIMES when he shuts down emotionally, I guess I shut down physically. Its not right I know, but sometimes, him not being emotional makes me not feel loved or desired so its hard to want to have sex.

 

This kind of thing might be why some people do withhold. I dunno....

[outofthedark]

I will never understand why people choose to post on a thread just to derail it and be hurtful.

 

Anyway, on topic. ootd, I read your backstory...it's a doozy! Given your history with this man, I'd say his withholding of sex is certainly a passive-aggressive move - it's the sort of thing he's done repeatedly in your relationship with him. Perhaps he still blames you for the end of his marriage, and continues to find new ways to punish you rather than himself??

 

I'm in a relationship with someone whose sex drive has at times been less than mine (I'm the woman) so I sympathize...but it sounds like there's a whole bunch of other stuff going on in your situation that is unique to you.

 

Yes, it is certainly a doozy! Reading my back story i'm sure you can see where I stopped posting about me then began again. It was during that time that a lot of counseling occurred (for the both of us). I didn't post as I was doing a lot of my own self eval and needed to look inward rather than outward for direction and advice. Regarding the issue of his marriage ending etc.. that was dealt with in depth during therapy together and alone. That was a very long hard road but I can say 100% that he no longer blames me at all. He finally took responsibility for that one, thank goodness.

 

And since you read the back story, you see there is a lot of history involving cheating, addictions, marriage break-ups etc... We were apart for a while and then did get back together, and yes, we have gotten married.

 

We have been through some hell for sure. you say..

"it's the sort of thing he's done repeatedly in your relationship with him" and I agree, I think thats why I am posting here. Reality in my face, 101. Is history repeating itself is what I am asking myself..

 

Thank you for your honest response, I really appreciate it!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, men need it more. Men have a naturally high sex drive, women don't. I don't hate women and I'm not a troll... It's just frustrating for me as guy that women have so little intrest in sex! Even though I know you can't help it, that's just the way it is.

 

Wow, this guy sure has the inside scoop on what it's like to be a woman, doesn't he? I wonder why he's single?

 

Dude, if you are interested in women, listen to them. Otherwise, we all know what you think so give it a rest here.

 

OP - I am sorry. I know from personal experience how frustrating, demoralizing and hurtful this can be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP, I just read your backstory too. I am sorry ... from all that's there, I get the big picture of a very toxic relationship. I didn't read about anything positive, really, once the two of you set up house together.

 

Do you want to stay with this man? Why, besides the obvious reason of your baby?

[TaraMaiden]

Don't feed the troll...

 

...Again.

 

And again.

And again.....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Maybe he only wants it when he wants it (sort of like women???). He doesn't ask for oral, you give it and he is done and sees no reason to reciprocate. Well he's an a*&hole and you fed the monster.

 

Also he has a lower sex drive then you and claims to be a loving partner and not want to wake you..... I know my spouse does not like to be woken up for sex.....

[outofthedark]

Maybe he only wants it when he wants it (sort of like women???). He doesn't ask for oral, you give it and he is done and sees no reason to reciprocate. Well he's an a*&hole and you fed the monster.

 

Also he has a lower sex drive then you and claims to be a loving partner and not want to wake you..... I know my spouse does not like to be woken up for sex.....

 

I have asked him to wake me....many many times. I think it is an excuse honestly!

 

STOP FEEDING THE MONSTER......YES!!!! this is why I love LS...honesty in my face and great advice!!!!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I have asked him to wake me....many many times. I think it is an excuse honestly!

 

STOP FEEDING THE MONSTER......YES!!!! this is why I love LS...honesty in my face and great advice!!!!!

 

and yes I would say it is passive/aggressive behaviour. Time to tell him you want sex and to sh&t or get off the pot......

[outofthedark]

There has to be a reason, which is why i started this. So is it a control technique (passive/aggressive) or is he getting it elsewhere. Thus the question I posed to those that have done it... why did you do it. And if done to you, did you find out why.. the core issue?

I'm exploring all options and ideas at this point because due to our history, of course I went right to "he is getting it elsewhere". Cant find any proof though... not even close to anything indicating "elsewhere" may be happening.

[blair08]

"What I can't figure out is why anyone would withhold sex because they are withholding from themselves as well".

 

In my case, as explained why I have withheld earlier in the thread, unless they are getting it elsewhere, it probably doesn't matter that they themselves aren't getting any. It mattered not to me when I did before, I was hurt and angry and I guess that was my way of expressing the hurt and anger. Telling him over and over didn't seem to work.

 

And yes to the OP sounds like our situations are different, but put my 2 cents in on why I did.

[outofthedark]

"What I can't figure out is why anyone would withhold sex because they are withholding from themselves as well".

 

In my case, as explained why I have withheld earlier in the thread, unless they are getting it elsewhere, it probably doesn't matter that they themselves aren't getting any. It mattered not to me when I did before, I was hurt and angry and I guess that was my way of expressing the hurt and anger. Telling him over and over didn't seem to work.

 

And yes to the OP sounds like our situations are different, but put my 2 cents in on why I did.

 

I appreciate your 2 cents! Thank you... though situations are different it is nice to hear what and why others may have done the same thing.

[jamesum]

"I was horny when you were sleeping."

 

Lol, that excuse is priceless!

 

Anyway, is he affectionate toward you? Generally, when a woman complains about lack of sex, what she really means is that her partner doesnt show enough affection.

Edited September 8, 2010 by jamesum

[outofthedark]

"I was horny when you were sleeping."

 

Lol, that excuse is priceless!

 

Anyway, is he affectionate toward you? Generally, when a woman complains about lack of sex, what she really means is that her partner doesnt show enough affection.

 

Actually, it is quite the opposite. I get a lot of hugs and snuggle time. Kisses etc... there is no lack of affection...its a lack of sex.

[jamesum]

Actually, it is quite the opposite. I get a lot of hugs and snuggle time. Kisses etc... there is no lack of affection...its a lack of sex.

You know what? A lot of women will die to have a husband who kisses, snuggles and embraces them all the time without wanting to have sex.

 

I think you should be grateful. Your husband sounds like a great man.

[JackJack]

Hard to say why he is withholding. Perhaps he still loves you, but has just physically checked out of the marriage. Hopefully, he will come clean one day soon and tell you whats going on with him. Then again he may not, to spare your feelings, who knows, but I hope it works out for you.

[freestyle]

Withholding sex is definitely a passive/aggressive behavior.

 

"I know this is really important to you, so I won't do it....."

 

Of course, they won't actually say it directly, it will be in the form of excuses.....................

 

 

There's another psychological angle you might want to read up on:

 

The Madonna-Whore Complex. It's more common than people realize. Once a couple gets married, or becomes life partners, the man begins to see the woman in a different light, she becomes a symbol of purity and goodness--he starts having a hard time viewing her as a sexual being---(which isn't fair to her at all.......) Men who have that complex are all the more likely to seek their satisfaction outside the home, not because he looks down on his wife, but rather because he puts her on too high of a pedestal.From what I've read, it's very difficult to treat.