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Posted

Hi all,

I am looking for people who may have been in the situation I am in. I am currently searching for the strength to end a 7 year affair with MM. This is my story. Seven years ago I was in a very unhappy relationship which had run on for 13 years and at my wits end with it all. Enter stage right MM who I clecked with instantly, and on every level. I did not know until 3 years down the road that he was married but I would see him twice per year when travelling to festivals in Europe for work. He gave me the perspective on my relationship to have the courage to end it and since told me it was like day and night to see who I was in that unhappy cage compared with after it had ended. He became my confidante and love steadily grew between us. I was devastated when I found out he had a wife and child although in reality perhaps I had always suspected it. I started having nightmares about his wife and it has affected my conscience to the core. I have battled depression for 7 years brought on by believing I was such a bad person. I have tried many many times to end this situation but he always wins me back by reminding me of our history and the love we share. I know truly understand I need to close this old door in order to be able to welcome new things in my life and a man who could be there 100% for me. I need to be strong but I am afraid when I run into him again that I will be weak. Any ideas????

Posted

I'm a little confused by the story.

 

So you've been having an affair for 7 years with this MM, but you only see him twice a year?

 

So is it more of an emotional affair?

Have you slept with him?

 

Most people here find it really hard to cut off someone that they love, and we all go through cycles of going NC, then either OM/OW or MP make contact again, and they cycle keeps on going.

 

I'm having trouble cutting of my MM, but recently I just made a list of things he's done to hurt me over our time together and that's helping me not make contact with him again - its only been a little while, so the test isn't guaranteed ;), but I find that it helps.

 

Maybe you can do the same thing.

 

The point is, unless this guy is gonna leave his M, then maybe you need to cut him off because you do feel so bad.

 

Its hard to do, and it will probably take more than 1 attempt at NC.

 

In the meantime, try dating people in your area.

Try keeping busy with your hobbies, etc.

 

I don't think I have enough info to give you any other advice.

 

Good luck to you :)

  • Author
Posted

Thanks Tiger Cub, the list idea sounds most helpful. :) In terms of the details I see this man twice per year for a week at a time, he stays with me and we sleep together the whole time. The sex is out of this world (part of the problem!) but more than that I would say we spend the majority of the time talking and relating to one another, we have shared so much over the years. In between times he often calls me we chat on the phone for hours. we never ever talk about our 'other' lives his wife and family, there is an understanding about this. He says this is the only time he feels truly happy, ( when he is with me, )and he feels like a teenager in love for the first time. The romance and the connection are what keeps me going...but it is never enough and I would never want him to leave his wife or for her to know.

 

The whole thing breaks my heart. Good to hear from other peeps who have been in this situation.

Posted

I'm in the early days of NC and I'm not going to tell you it is easy. I have to see xMM at work most days and it appears he is doing all in his power to make me blow my temper with him. I know it sounds like I am not really selling the idea to you, but that distance between you will make it a little easier to maintain. The other thing I can say is that today I walked straight past him, head held high, but like he wasn't even there. Yes I was shaking and threw up about ten minutes later, but I came home tonight with a sense of achievement and self respect.

 

You have to really mean it. I didn't last twenty minutes on my first attempt. I realised after that if I engaged at all he would talk me round and I'd feel just as bad the next day if not worse and it was never going to be over.

 

You are stronger than you think, start putting you first.

Posted
The sex is out of this world (part of the problem!)

 

That's the crazy thing about these situations, the chemistry is always off the charts!!! - that's what makes it so hard to break free.

 

I honestly don't know what to tell you. You guys obviously have an emotional connection, and if the sex is great, then that makes it even harder to end it.

 

But if its making you feel so bad, then you need to do what's best for you (although it will be difficult at first).

Posted
Yes I was shaking and threw up about ten minutes later,

aaaawwww sweetness, I'm so sorry :(

 

but I came home tonight with a sense of achievement and self respect.

That's an awesome feeling eh?!!

I'm proud of you :):bunny:

 

You have to really mean it. I didn't last twenty minutes on my first attempt. I realised after that if I engaged at all he would talk me round and I'd feel just as bad the next day if not worse and it was never going to be over.

 

You are stronger than you think, start putting you first.

 

So very true!!

The hard thing is that we LOGICALLY know THIS, just getting our hearts to finally understand and follow instructions ;) takes a little time.

Posted

Thanks TC!

Glad you are still going well with your NC too.

You are right I think sometimes it takes a 'last straw' moment to change it from doing what you know you should/need to do and really, really wanting it.

 

And LS is a great place to help with NC, when you cave in people will give you the boot to the backside you need, but say well done when you are doing well, it really does help! :)

  • Author
Posted

We can all do NC girls, we are strong and will feel so much happier without these deceptive people in our lives. It's nice to have a supportive, non-judgemental space to solve very real problems. I wish you both the best of luck!;)

Posted
We can all do NC girls, we are strong and will feel so much happier without these deceptive people in our lives. It's nice to have a supportive, non-judgemental space to solve very real problems. I wish you both the best of luck!;)

 

Thanks

Good luck to you too :)

Posted

welcome juliette. sorry to hear about your situation. it's difficult. and 7 years is a very long time. NC is difficult, but necessary if you truly want to move on. i can't really talk as i am only at the beginning stage of NC plus MM and I decided a fixed NC time, not a forever NC time.

 

i think if it was me, if i truly want to get over someone, and that the relationship is toxic, and there is no end in sight, i would go NC and delete their details, or i would even consider moving away and getting a new job someone else, in another country even. this is what a friend of mine did. she moved 4000km from her toxic man and relationship, re-started her life with her kid, and has never looked back.

 

all the best and good luck.

Posted
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes. It is by A.A. Milne author of the Winne the Pooh stories. I am not sure if Winnie the Pooh said it to Christopher Robin, or if Christopher Robin says it to Winnie the Pooh, but it says... "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." I think it is true of almost everybody. You will be okay. You can do this.

 

Oh this is just the greatest quote. No wonder I loved Pooh stories so much! So so true. Thanks FA!

Posted

NC is hard. It is very hard, but it gets easier. You have to take baby steps. Get through a week, then get through a month. I know that it is easier said than done, but you will come through the other side.

 

You have to take control of the situation and do what you think is right for you. If this is not the life that you want, then work toward changing that. We all think that we are different, that our situation is different. But, I found out in my case that it was similar to so many that I have read here. Good luck with everything!

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