How to handle commitment phobia

[Sarah12345]

I met a man on a online about three years ago. We dated for about a month but eventually he broke things off because he thought my feelings were stronger for him than his for mine. He said he had limited dating experience and wanted to have the opportunity to date other women while still dating me. I wasn't cool with that, and he ended things by saying, "I'm just not sure I'll ever have strong feelings for you romantically." He said he wanted us to not communicate for at least a month so that we could get over things. So I blocked him on FB and we re-established communication about a month or two later (my doing). We've been friends ever since. He's dated a few girls (none seriously), and I've had a few boyfriends during our friendship.

 

About a year ago, I moved 1000 miles away from where he lives. During the past year, we have chatted on the phone about once a week (he always initiates the calls). About a month ago, I visited the area where he lives for about a week (not just to see him - I have other friends and family in that area). Well, we had a romantic and sexual fling. He was very hesitant to start it, because he said he was scared of hurting me since he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He said he would be devastated if he lost my friendship. But I said let's just try this out while I am visiting and see how it goes. By the end of the week, we had hashed out all of his fears, worries, concerns about being with me and he said he was feeling really optimistic that things could work. He even said that the distance was not really an issue. He admitted that we would be really good together and that we are highly compatible. He shared with me that he thinks he has commitment issues. He said he is afraid of entering into a relationship with someone and then having someone who is an even better match for him enter his life. He said that when he is around me, his feelings are very positive. But then when I am gone, he starts to get worried about the future and the idea of committing to me makes him scared and want to run away. I tried explaining that I just wanted him as my boyfriend and that I wasn't proposing, but that didn't seem to help.

 

I should also add that it was a very romantic week. He took me out on many dates. When I told him I loved him, he said that although he did not feel comfortable using that particular word with me, he said that he wanted me to know that he did not have sex with me just for the sake of having sex, but instead to show me how he felt about me.

 

After I got home, for about a week he continued to be optimistic. He said he was thinking about us taking a vacation together and also of coming to visit me where I live currently. Then one day, I called him because I hadn't heard from him in a few days. I asked him what he was thinking about everything, and he had completely changed his mind again. I asked him what had changed, and he said I hadn't done anything wrong but that he just didn't want to talk about the situation any further. Needless to say, I was hurt, pissed, and confused. But then I thought a lot about it and actually started to feel sorry for him. I sent him what was a very nice email encouraging him to get some therapy (which he had admitted needing) for his commitment issues.

 

I was so mad that I had no interest in talking to him. I got on with my life and was doing fine, until after no communication at all for a few weeks, he randomly posted an innocent, funny comment on my FB wall. I called him and told him that his innocent comment made me very emotional and that I needed some resolution from our last phone conversation. He said it is awkward to explain to someone why you don't want to date them and that he didn't want to argue with me about it. He said he had "vague reasons" for not dating me. I asked him how he had felt about my last email, and he said it was insulting because I made it sound like he had something majorly wrong with him because he didn't want to date me. I explained that I was only trying to help, and he said he was really thankful that I cared so much about him. He said he did make a therapy appointment, but that he thinks he doesn't necessarily have commitment issues. He said he just "knows what he wants in a relationship." Then later he said something like, "well maybe if you lived near me, we could try dating again." I told him he was contradicting himself and sending mixed messages, and he said, "Well I don't know what to tell you about that."

 

I finally told him that we needed to do no contact. He got mad and said that I wasn't giving him any choice in the matter, and well maybe he would contact me anyway. The phone call ended with him saying he was sorry that he hurt me and that he hopes I will change my mind. The next day, I blocked him on facebook.

 

Do you think this guy will come around? Do you think no contact with me will make him miss me so much that he will decide to be with me? I know he will be pissed off for awhile, and hurt. Sorry that this was so long. Thanks for reading!!

Edited September 8, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy is a major head case and game player.

 

If I were you, I'd absolutely maintain the no contact and have nothing to do with him again. He's nothing but trouble and will only bring you drama and pain. And given how messed up he is, he won't even make a good friend.

[shayan]

No contact is very important, please don't try to befriend this man either. He didn't love you, I hate to break it to you, he had feelings yes, but he did not love you. NC + mourning and get on with your life good luck.