Why do they do this crap..?

[Silvaria]

So basically, he broke up with me a month ago today, but has been IMing me nearly every day for the last couple of weeks. So tonight, out of the blue, he asks me to talk on Skype...I say sure. We have a great conversation for almost 4 hours...we laughed, reminisced a bit, and he even made a few sexual innuendos, though I rather dodged them because I didn't really feel comfortable "going there".

 

So at the end, I said I was hungry, he said yeah, he was tired and going to bed...I thanked him for the good conversation, and he said, "No problem, it'll be the last one we have for a while..."

 

Um...WTF?!? Why the HELL did he have to go and ruin a good, four-hour conversation with that crap at the end??

 

If it weren't for that, I'd be sitting here right now feeling pretty good...as it is, I'm feeling used, somehow...and mightily pissed off.

 

Anyhow, I'm just venting...I just don't understand why he had to do that at the end.

 

This sucks.

[Trovador]

Um...WTF?!? Why the HELL did he have to go and ruin a good, four-hour conversation with that crap at the end??

 

Maybe because it was a whooping 4 hours?You should have quit when you were ahead of the game...

[Silvaria]

I politely offered him chances to bail out of the conversation after about 2 hours...he continued.

 

I've given it some thought and talked to a friend since then, and I've come up with the following: This was just his way of taking control of the situation, once again. We broke up a month ago...about a week after that, we were talking on Skype and I said something that pissed him off...he hung up and swore we would NEVER TALK ON SKYPE AGAIN, PERIOD.

 

I think tonight, at the end of the conversation, he remembered that swear...and in his attention whoring way, threw it in my face, and maybe I was supposed to beg, I don't know...but the fact is that we both laughed a LOT, had a lot of, "Oh, you too?" moments, and almost reconnected in some ways that we'd lost since the breakup...him saying that was his way of trying to take back control, and let me know HE is in control of this situation, not me.

 

Well, I say b.s. to that. Tomorrow, when we gets on AIM, I'm going to ask him point-blank:

 

"You said something interesting at the end last night...that it would be a while before we talked like that again. I found that confusing, since we both seemed to greatly enjoy the conversation, laughing and joking a lot, especially about "x [private business]"...did you not enjoy the conversation as much as you seemed to?"

 

This way I'm not in any way demeaning myself, like, "Did I do something wrong?" or whatever...I'm asking him outright, "You SEEMED to enjoy yourself...was that not true, but if it was, why wouldn't you want it again?"

 

I'm tired of innuendos and guessing the truths...I want some damn answers. And if he acts like a bastard about it, then NC. I'm closer than I've ever been, anyhow...maybe this is what I need to push me over the edge.

 

I"ll let you guys know how it turns out...

 

Edited to add: In fact, about an hour into the conversation, being that we're broke up, I was wondering if he was just talking to be nice...so I said something about him sounding tired, or ready to go do something else...he basically said, "No, we're chatting and having fun, so let it go." Which I did. So if we were chatting and having so much damn fun...why would he throw in that horrible, mean comment at the end? 8(

Edited September 8, 2010 by Silvaria

[TaraMaiden]

So tonight, out of the blue, he asks me to talk on Skype...I say sure.

 

Big fat huge mistake, right there.

 

Several red flags, all saying one thing:

"I control you, your time, and the convo. I can yank your chain whenever I want, and when I say jump, you'll say how high."

 

Deny it all you want, but it's all there, in that discussion.

 

Break it off, complete NC, and kick him to the kerb. Don't bother ever talking to him, writing to him or connecting on AIM, skype or anywhere else for that matter.

 

Absolutely totally let him drop off your radar for good, for ever, completely.

It's the only way.

[Silvaria]

Quote:

So tonight, out of the blue, he asks me to talk on Skype...I say sure.

Big fat huge mistake, right there.

 

Several red flags, all saying one thing:

"I control you, your time, and the convo. I can yank your chain whenever I want, and when I say jump, you'll say how high."

 

Deny it all you want, but it's all there, in that discussion.

 

Break it off, complete NC, and kick him to the kerb.

It's the only way.

Yeah...that's what I was kind of thinking...it's like, he did actually start to enjoy himself for a while, then at the end, he suddenly remembered that HE'S supposed to be in control, and he had to say the one thing that he KNEW would hurt me, which would be to limit our Skype conversations again...he knows I love talking to him on Skype.

 

Damn, damn, damn....every day, more and more points to me going NC with him....well, I'm still going to ask him point-blank tomorrow why he said that, and depending on his answer...I may finally take the plunge, and go NC myself. Being his effing lap-dog sure as hell doesn't seem to be doing me any good.

[TaraMaiden]

DON'T ASK him ANYTHING!!

 

he doesn't deserve your attention!

 

This is all he's doing! Manipulating you and keeping you dangling!

You asking him this will just reinforce this aspect!

 

Remember his last words to you - "No problem, it'll be the last one we have for a while..." not why he said them, but the fact that they were fully intended to push your buttons, yank your chain and keep you interested and available!

 

So do as he suggests! Don't have any more words with him 'for a while' (only, his idea of 'for a while' and yours, should differ by a few years.....!)

 

He doesn't want to chat 'for a while'??

Great!

Go with that!!

 

The next time he should ever hear from you is when you send him a mssg: "Am getting married to the most wonderful guy ever - and you're not invited!"

[9Lives]

DON'T ASK him ANYTHING!!

 

he doesn't deserve your attention!

 

This is all he's doing! Manipulating you and keeping you dangling!

You asking him this will just reinforce this aspect!

 

Remember his last words to you - "No problem, it'll be the last one we have for a while..." not why he said them, but the fact that they were fully intended to push your buttons, yank your chain and keep you interested and available!

 

So do as he suggests! Don't have any more words with him 'for a while' (only, his idea of 'for a while' and yours, should differ by a few years.....!)

 

He doesn't want to chat 'for a while'??

Great!

Go with that!!

 

The next time he should ever hear from you is when you send him a mssg: "Am getting married to the most wonderful guy ever - and you're not invited!"

 

I agree for sure. he just came in...took your time and attention...then said don't expect to hear from me unless I want to talk to you.

 

now u want to ask these silly questions. its black and white really. DONT ASK HIM ANYTHING UNLESS U WANT TO REALLY REALLY FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

 

he said regardless of the great conv, I don't want to talk to u for a while. there it is

[OndaChin]

Silvaria,

 

My EX did that to me too! We would have many long talks on the phone- many exceeded 5-6 hours. Like you, I thought these were "indications" that she and I were really clicking and had mutual commonality.

 

After several weeks- she got mad at me and threw all that back in my face by saying I talked too much AND that I was "too Deep". It was as if she blamed me for the the conversations. (I honestly thought they were fun talks).

Months later we had another long talk (3 hours). During this whole time I kept trying to break the call and hang up- because, I didnt want to piss her off (afterall, she told me she didnt like long talks). She kept on talking. I finally broke the conversation at the 3 hour mark. It was clear she'd have kept talking if I didnt stop. Withen the next week she's blaming me AGAIN for our long talks!!! (YOU JUST CANT WIN WITH THESE PEOPLE)

 

My point is- some people ARE severely disordered and NO MATTER how you perceive the "reality" of a moment (good moment), they WILL SEE IT DIFFERENTLY. ALWAYS!

 

On a side note- My EX also wanted me to teach her things that she knew I loved. I thought she had an interest in my hobbies. As soon as she turned on me 4 weeks later- she started telling me "SHE NEVER LIKED THOSE THINGS"!! (I think my EX is a undiagnosed Borderline)

 

Cut your ties with this guy. Anyone that says what he did is a wacko and its all about his "control" over you. Take control back and go NC- no responses (play like you dont even exist!)

[Silvaria]

Hey, everyone...thanks so much for the replies. Sadly, I have to admit that I pulled a really, really "stupid"...I called him this morning and asked him why he said that. He immediately said he was just picking on me, and not to take it seriously.

 

And of course, I regretted calling after I did it...I looked like an idiot.

 

Everything you guys are saying makes so much damn sense...I am trying SO HARD to convince myself to go NC completely...it's just so difficult when he keeps writing me every day, and frankly, 90% of our four hour conversation was fun and happy.

 

And, there's another factor that some of you may not have to deal with...I'm VERY lonely. My family lives on the other side of the country...I moved out here with my ex-husband, whom I had lived with for 15 years...we amicably divorced and he moved out-of-state in April, and I am NOT adapting to living alone very well.

 

I live in a rural area, and friends are hard to find and make. A roommate is out of the question, as I live in a one bedroom. Moving is also not an option, as I barely have the money to pay monthly bills, and moving is quite expensive. I don't even know anyone I can borrow money from.

 

My loneliness is why, after my ex-husband left, I began to cling to my boyfriend so hard...but, he got tired of me being clingy and needy and broke up with me one month and one day ago. Needless to say, finding myself not only living alone but also single has been incredibly depressing. I cry almost every day, and not just because he dumped me, but because my life is at a very low point right now.

 

That is why NC is almost impossible for me. When he's not being a sadistic bastard, which is only about 10-20% of the time, he's incredibly good conversation, and keeps me company. Without him in my life at ALL, I would be even lonelier than I already am...the thought of that is almost unbearable.

[Billie The Puppet]

Here is the problem you let the conversation get to 4 hours you may have given him opportunities to opt out but thats giving him the power. You want to tease him and talk then say well I got something important to do I'll talk to you later. (You don't have to actually talk to him later but it may leave him wondering whats so important it over powers me and okay she will call etc) Thus you have the power. He had the power the whole conversation he called and ended it from what I have read.

 

Trust me I thought WTH? with the same situation only my calls were over the phone in fact I tried to end the conversations myself but failed too. Learn from this.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[9Lives]

Hey, everyone...thanks so much for the replies. Sadly, I have to admit that I pulled a really, really "stupid"...I called him this morning and asked him why he said that. He immediately said he was just picking on me, and not to take it seriously.

 

And of course, I regretted calling after I did it...I looked like an idiot.

 

Everything you guys are saying makes so much damn sense...I am trying SO HARD to convince myself to go NC completely...it's just so difficult when he keeps writing me every day, and frankly, 90% of our four hour conversation was fun and happy.

 

And, there's another factor that some of you may not have to deal with...I'm VERY lonely. My family lives on the other side of the country...I moved out here with my ex-husband, whom I had lived with for 15 years...we amicably divorced and he moved out-of-state in April, and I am NOT adapting to living alone very well.

 

I live in a rural area, and friends are hard to find and make. A roommate is out of the question, as I live in a one bedroom. Moving is also not an option, as I barely have the money to pay monthly bills, and moving is quite expensive. I don't even know anyone I can borrow money from.

 

My loneliness is why, after my ex-husband left, I began to cling to my boyfriend so hard...but, he got tired of me being clingy and needy and broke up with me one month and one day ago. Needless to say, finding myself not only living alone but also single has been incredibly depressing. I cry almost every day, and not just because he dumped me, but because my life is at a very low point right now.

 

That is why NC is almost impossible for me. When he's not being a sadistic bastard, which is only about 10-20% of the time, he's incredibly good conversation, and keeps me company. Without him in my life at ALL, I would be even lonelier than I already am...the thought of that is almost unbearable.

 

This is bad place to be in. I was there. But you know, when you let go...for some reason...other things start to happen and appear in your life. You wont be alone forever. It just not going to be that way.

 

If he is still calling you and stuff, why dont you ask him what is this about. Does he want to get back together or not? You are torturing yourself. I did it so I know. Now I feel a little better. My ex text me last night. I cant do it anymore. So much pain and Im getting out the cage.

 

Be a big girl. Get to the truth of why he is calling you. Then deal with it from there. Cause it may happen that once he meets someone he is interested in, he will no longer want to talk to you. You dont want that. It is better that his hands be empty just like yours.

[alphamale]

...I just don't understand why he had to do that at the end.

because he's a boob...you can do better

[Billie The Puppet]

Be a big girl. Get to the truth of why he is calling you. Then deal with it from there. Cause it may happen that once he meets someone he is interested in, he will no longer want to talk to you. You don't want that. It is better that his hands be empty just like yours.

 

They will not ever give it, that feeds their ego they want you to ask if this really means something etc. Trust me I asked every time during my first run of NC/LC.

[Silvaria]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. At the moment, I have logged out of AIM, Messenger Live, and Skype, and for the first time in weeks, I have turned off my cell phone. I simply don't want to be tempted by him right now...I just want to watch TV blankly, and not think.

 

I have lots to say, though, and I will write later. I appreciate the support and the opinions...I'm glad I found this site.

[9Lives]

They will not ever give it, that feeds their ego they want you to ask if this really means something etc. Trust me I asked every time during my first run of NC/LC.

 

Yeah I learned the hard way too that no answer is a answer. Some guys just dont have the guts to muster up what they really want to say.

[Silvaria]

Hello, everyone. Well, I'm heading off to work in a bit, just wanted to write here first.

 

I did turn AIM back on last night after a while, but never heard from him. That's fine, I'm probably being "punished" for calling him yesterday morning. Meh.

 

9lives, you said something that really made me think:

 

But you know, when you let go...for some reason...other things start to happen and appear in your life. You wont be alone forever. It just not going to be that way.

It feels that way right now, LOL...but logically, I know that I probably won't be. And I read something the other day that reminded me of your first sentence...something to the effect of, "Two objects cannot occupy the same space at once...you have to let go in order to find someone new."

 

Granted, this isn't always true, but it does make sense. It's almost like I have to "create the void" in order for it to be filled. As I said in my "I'm incredibly lonely" post, he does keep me company, and he is good conversation, so it's not an easy thing to do at all. But at some point, I hope I can work up the willpower to try.

 

9lives, you also said,

 

Cause it may happen that once he meets someone he is interested in, he will no longer want to talk to you. You dont want that. It is better that his hands be empty just like yours.

This actually brought tears to my eyes...the idea of him with someone else, but yes, it may happen. And then he'll toss me like a used tissue.

 

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Billie that there is no point in asking him what his intentions are behind contacting me almost every day...he's just going to say he wants to be friends. But he knows damn well that I am still madly in love with him, so we all know there's more to it than that, LOL...he's feeding his ego, and that's what I have to start trying to remember.

 

But to give myself SOME credit, the other day he asked a favor of me, and I said OK. He kept saying he owed me for this, and I felt like I was being baited into saying something stupid, like, "OK, take me back and we'll call it even!" or something equally desperate. Then he immediately would have said, "Forget it, I'll find someone else to help me!"

 

Instead, I said, "Don't worry about it, friends help each other out." I think that caught him off-guard, LOL...in any case, I refused to allow myself to be baited into looking even more dumb than I already have, and I was pretty proud of myself for it.

 

Billie, you also said this that I wanted to mention:

 

Here is the problem you let the conversation get to 4 hours you may have given him opportunities to opt out but thats giving him the power. You want to tease him and talk then say well I got something important to do I'll talk to you later. (You don't have to actually talk to him later but it may leave him wondering whats so important it over powers me and okay she will call etc) Thus you have the power. He had the power the whole conversation he called and ended it from what I have read.

 

Trust me I thought WTH? with the same situation only my calls were over the phone in fact I tried to end the conversations myself but failed too. Learn from this.

Heh...yeah, I have to admit that most to all of the time, I let him end the conversations, whether it's Skype or AIM. He knows my schedule, so he knows I don't really have a lot going on...I think maybe I should try your idea, and just suddenly but politely start ending a few conversations, with no explanation. Since he's not my boyfriend, he won't even have the right to ask why, and it will leave him wondering...and make me look like I have more important things to do. Excellent idea, I will give it a try.

 

I have a short work day today, so too soon I'll be back home, doing too much thinking, LOL...I can feel the depression trying to creep back in, due to this situation as well as financial problems, and I'm fighting hard not to let it happen. Anyhow, everyone take care, and thanks for the support. It means a lot to me.

[9Lives]

Well I am glad I helped you. I want to tell you this about your "friend". You have GIVEN him permission to do this to you below:

 

He can call you or not and you cant do anything about it.

He can date other women.

He can not take your calls and not have to explain.

 

This is STILL a bad position for you because YOU still love him too much.

 

PLease listen to me. You either got a man or you dont. If you dont, QUIT being all friendly friendly and let the chips fall where they may. I PROMISE you, your not going to die.

 

Girlfriend, I am taking from experience and making this same mistake. You cant be friends with someone you love. The relationship is unbalanced and your heart is going to get crushed like a watermelon thrown on the ground. Just do what you got to do and the Universe will bring you something better. It will happen FOR SURE! Im already meeting guys who cook for me, feed me shrimp, take me out, all kinds of stuff. Your ex aint doing nothing but talking to you on the phone for hours...he just feeding you crack! You living on that adrenalin and going back for more of the weak stuff. When he wants to hang out with a woman..is he gonna call you then?

[Silvaria]

Well, he definitely knows how to keep me hanging on, as the song goes...today while at work, I got the following text:

 

"Hello.. Sorry for picking on you.. I was just being my mean self.. No hard feelings, ok?"

 

I was flabbergasted...it's VERY unlike him to go out of his way to apologize for much of anything, so now I am totally suspicious...especially because I agree with pretty much everything you said, 9lives...right now, he has the best of both worlds: A familiar, comfortable ex-girlfriend who feeds his ego and pretty much does whatever he wants, and the ability to "scout around" for other women without feeling guilty.

 

You're right...I know I'm going to end up getting more hurt if I try to stay friends with someone I'm still crazy in love with...as much as I want to believe that his texting that today means there is hope, in all reality, it's most likely just him manipulating me.

 

I keep thinking more and more and more about going NC...not warning him or telling him that's what I'm doing, simply...disappearing, never answering his texts or IMs. It's just scary, you know? I feel like someone who has never been in the water standing at the edge of the high diving board...I want to jump, but I keep hesitating, and thinking twice...

 

Anyhow, thank you again for your words of wisdom. I'll let you know how it goes.

[9Lives]

Well, he definitely knows how to keep me hanging on, as the song goes...today while at work, I got the following text:

 

"Hello.. Sorry for picking on you.. I was just being my mean self.. No hard feelings, ok?"

 

I was flabbergasted...it's VERY unlike him to go out of his way to apologize for much of anything, so now I am totally suspicious...especially because I agree with pretty much everything you said, 9lives...right now, he has the best of both worlds: A familiar, comfortable ex-girlfriend who feeds his ego and pretty much does whatever he wants, and the ability to "scout around" for other women without feeling guilty.

 

You're right...I know I'm going to end up getting more hurt if I try to stay friends with someone I'm still crazy in love with...as much as I want to believe that his texting that today means there is hope, in all reality, it's most likely just him manipulating me.

 

I keep thinking more and more and more about going NC...not warning him or telling him that's what I'm doing, simply...disappearing, never answering his texts or IMs. It's just scary, you know? I feel like someone who has never been in the water standing at the edge of the high diving board...I want to jump, but I keep hesitating, and thinking twice...

 

Anyhow, thank you again for your words of wisdom. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

 

I KNOW how hard it is to make that plunge. but you will be happy you did. you will be happy!! I'm happy that I did it and I fought it tooth and nail. I didn't want to let go for nothing. but guess what...you don't got him...your not winning hold on to this little stuff. you deserve to be wanted back. you will feel like a real woman not a puppy dog.

 

what u should do is have a adult..emotionless...conversation with him and ask where u stand. if it is not what you want...do yourself a favor and end it until you are over him or unless he does something big..big. a call is not big...a text is not big. no crying..no begging. just okay and let it be.

[Silvaria]

what u should do is have a adult..emotionless...conversation with him and ask where u stand. if it is not what you want...do yourself a favor and end it until you are over him or unless he does something big..big. a call is not big...a text is not big. no crying..no begging. just okay and let it be.

Yeah...if this continues much longer, I think I'm going to have to work up the courage to ask him exactly what the hell is going on...last night he logged onto AIM saying, "Hey, dollface, what's up?" It's the first time he's called me any sort of affectionate name in the 5 weeks since he dumped me.

 

And I know the apology text doesn't seem "big", but in a way, it really was. I don't know if it's his bipolar or if he's just a jerk, but he can be extremely cold about other people's feelings...for him to go out of his way to apologize is a pretty clear sign that on some level, however minuscule, he actually recognized that what he said caused me pain, and he felt remorse. I cannot help but take that as a good sign.

 

And on top of all this garbage, I just got the news that work will be VERY VERY slow next week, which I cannot afford. So I'm heading out this afternoon to look for a 2nd part time job. The financial stress is starting to keep me awake at night.

 

Lonely, broke, and dumped, LOL...wow, I'll be glad when this period of my life is a memory.

[Sambo]

 

Um...WTF?!? Why the HELL did he have to go and ruin a good, four-hour conversation with that crap at the end??

.

 

 

Because you didn't return his sexual innuendo's.

 

He just wanted a booty call.

[9Lives]

Yeah...if this continues much longer, I think I'm going to have to work up the courage to ask him exactly what the hell is going on...last night he logged onto AIM saying, "Hey, dollface, what's up?" It's the first time he's called me any sort of affectionate name in the 5 weeks since he dumped me.

 

See, I see why you are so confused about what is going on with him. He breaks up with you...now he is asking all nice like he should have when you were together. I dont get it Silvaria.

 

And I know the apology text doesn't seem "big", but in a way, it really was. I don't know if it's his bipolar or if he's just a jerk, but he can be extremely cold about other people's feelings...for him to go out of his way to apologize is a pretty clear sign that on some level, however minuscule, he actually recognized that what he said caused me pain, and he felt remorse. I cannot help but take that as a good sign.

 

I hope he is trying to work this out with you and not just string you along. He is not very clear where he stands. I have stomach aches just reading this sht!

 

 

 

And on top of all this garbage, I just got the news that work will be VERY VERY slow next week, which I cannot afford. So I'm heading out this afternoon to look for a 2nd part time job. The financial stress is starting to keep me awake at night.

 

Lonely, broke, and dumped, LOL...wow, I'll be glad when this period of my life is a memory.

 

Well again, I understand where you are coming from. Im not sure what you should do. Hopefully he isnt playing with you. we will see I guess. Keep me posted. I hope things are looking up for you

[Silvaria]

Yes, 9lives, it is VERY confusing. I hope he isn't toying with me, either, but if I find out he is, I guess it will be a very harsh lesson in life.

 

I will continue posting as things develop, including if I actually get the strength and courage to go NC for a while, which I haven't taken off the table, I just haven't worked up the willpower to actually do it. Although, to be honest, with him ostensibly warming back up to me, now may be a very good time to do it...it may get to the heart of his true motives very quickly, potentially saving me from prolonged heartache.

 

In any case, thank you very much for all your sound advice, and for listening to my rants.

[Username37]

Why do they do this crap?

 

Because they're full of crap

[spiderowl]

I actually can't think of anything nice to say about this guy. He just wants to see if you'll dance when he asks you to. Beware, he is using push/pull techniques to mess you around. This is an awful way to treat someone. Guys like him try to control women by being sweet, nice and friendly one minute and then suddenly changing into an uninterested, callous person who will dismiss you. All the signs are here: he contacted you, drew you in with his flirty/friendly chat and then said there won't be more - pull then push.

 

Because this kind of behaviour is so confusing, it throws you off balance and there is a desire to make sense of it by contacting him. Your confused mind naturally wants resolution. That's the point of the game, to get you wanting more. Don't fall for it! Nothing will make sense whatever you ask him; he will play this game until he's bored and you are hurt. He may not be doing this consciously or deliberately (but I'd bet he is). Whatever motivates him, keep away. He is pulling your strings to see what reaction he gets. This behaviour is sadistic and no decent guy would treat you like this. Don't be curious and ask him what he wants, cut him off and protect yourself. He has nothing to offer you but pain.