What is she REALLY thinking? Don't wanna play tennis...I want her back! Q's @ end...

[tygerr94]

Here's my situation:

 

My girlfriend of 7 months broke it off the 1st of this month. She's 34, and I'm 31. I was really in love with her and thought she was The One. She said she just didn't think it was working out and she needed to figure out what she wants (as do I, now...). She did it by IM, of all things! (We live in different towns). I didn't beg or plead or anything else, I just tried to let her go. I didn't contact her at all, but the day after, I got an IM from her asking how I was. I got several other text messages from her saying things like "Hope you are well", "Have a good day", just your basic stuff.

 

One morning I replied when she said "Have a blessed day" and I just said "T.Y., you too". and she replied immediately with "I miss you." I didn't respond. That weekend she sent me another text that said "Hope you are well", and I replied that time with "I'm great! Thanks." That weekend I also saw some orchids (I gave her orchids when we first started dating) and I sent her a txt that said "I saw orchids and I thought of you." She replied saying "Been thinking of you, too."

 

I should mention that she's less than 1 year in AA recovery and had 3 months when we met last summer. I really did want to go through everything with her b/c I saw so many good things about her and we were compatible in a lot of important ways. I know she's insecure and I think she felt like I was going to meet someone else.

 

A few days before Valentine's Day, she called me when I was on my way home from work and I answered this time. She asked me what I was doing later that evening, because she wanted to talk; She said "I miss talking to you, you know?" I said I would be available after 9 pm when I was finished with my online class. She called then and we had a pretty good talk, about not much in general, and I kept it light, friendly and sort of at arm's length. She said things like, "I miss you", "I miss talking to you", "I've been thinking of you", etc. "I wish I could give you big hugs". I said "Yeah, it's good to hear from you", and when she said the thing about the hugs I said thanks. SHe also said things like, "You're better off without me messing up your life" and I replied, "My life isn't messed up, my life is fine."

 

She said I sounded good and that I'm doing fine without her. I could tell that she was nervous and happy and excited to talk all at the same time. I was the one who ended the conversation b/c I had to finish up some work. I was dying to say I missed her too but I didn't... I didn't want to seem too needy and was trying to sort of follow the "no contact" thing.

 

Valentine's Day came, and she sent me a text message that morning that said "Happy Valentine's Day". I didn't respond because I was thinking, 'You broke up with me and now you're wishing me that?' I almost felt like she was rubbing it in my face but I didn't respond. The next day she left a message on my phone that said "I used to know somebody in (my town here) who I called to wish a Happy Valentine's Day to, but didn't wish me one back." I could tell by the way she was talking that she was very nervous when she called.

 

Two days later she sent me another txt that said "Are you just not returning calls?" (I didn't see how her last call warranted any response.) Then about a half hour later she sent another that said, "Big hugs anyway". The next day I responded: "Things are busy but good. Meeting tonight-hope you are well." I also told her I had an interview in a town near hers (I had been looking for a job near there for a while and she had been looking for me too).

 

She called me the next morning and we talked on my way to work; she offered to let me stay with her the night before my interview (I have to drive up the night before). I have a hotel room but I told her I would have to let her know... I'm not sure I feel comfortable staying w/her but it would beat paying for a hotel room. I will talk to her about this part later because it's not for two weeks. She stays in a hotel during the week near there b/c she is working away from her job right now and her commute would be really hard. Maybe I could offer for us both to stay in her hotel...kinda neutral territory. Not sure about this....

 

That night we also talked for a few minutes b/c she sent me an IM (she saw me come online). She asked me what I was doing later and I told her I had to go out shopping. I wasn't very specific or giving too much info and I could tell that kind of aggravated her... but I feel like, why should I, right now? Given the situation.... I ended that conversation also, saying that I had to get going...that was Thursday and I have neither heard from nor contacted her since. It's not that I didn't want to communicate with her, because I did... but she tends to forget things that I told her and then turns it around so it looks like I'm being vague or non-communicative. Which isn't true.

 

SOOOOOO, now that you've read my STORY...here are my actual QUESTIONS:

 

Do you think I might have a chance to get back with her if I play it cool and communicate with her on a limited (for now) basis? I really want to, because I love her and I feel like we can work things out, but it's going to be on MY terms... she's going to have to WANT to get back with me, not just b/c she's lonely. Am I talking to her TOO much? I agree that this past Thursday when I talked to her twice, I kind of went on xgf "overload". Should I stay with her or is that just an all-around bad idea? Is she testing me? I don't want to seem too needy or that I "need" her b/c then I feel like she'll think she can have me whenever and won't appreciate me... and if she IS testing me, how do I *KNOW* when she is, and how do I PASS? Was she rationalizing her decision when she said "You're probably better off without me?"

 

Also, how am I doing keeping the contact to a minimum? Will she contact me again? I haven't heard from her since Thursday and it's now Saturday afternoon. I've done well keeping up with doing things I like... even more, now. Somebody (with a little maturity, please) please answer with their experience and advice. I don't want to lose touch entirely and I'm doing OK moving on, I *think*.... Thanks!

[moimeme]

People can be confused. They can do things which are counter-intuitive and counter-productive to their own well-being, including breaking off relationships they really want.

 

She said she just didn't think it was working out and she needed to figure out what she wants

 

Maybe she has and maybe it's you. It certainly sounds as though she's trying to re-establish some sort of connection. I know some people think that once a person has broken up with you, you should dump them forever, however if you think a person is unique and special and that you really want to spend a lifetime with her, it's worth it to not give up entirely IF it appears that she's had a change of heart. Once. I'd not put up with being broken up with time and again, but even the smartest people don't always know their own minds.

 

So ask her what's up. Don't ask us - we can't read her mind. She may actually want to reconnect with you but will quit on you if you don't respond in kind soon. And will you spend the end of your days wondering whether you should have given it one more shot? Regret is a very unpleasant lifetime companion.

[Regulus]

Originally posted by tygerr94

Do you think I might have a chance to get back with her if I play it cool and communicate with her on a limited (for now) basis?

It's OK to play it cool in the beginning and let her know that your not just going to jump back in her arms, but eventually you need to either a) cut all contact or b) repair the damage. If you keep up what your doing, eventually she'll get the message and stop contacting you all together. And then it's too late to do anything. I'd say if you want her back, you need to re-establish normal contact now. You played it cool long enough and let her know that your able to move on without her. To answer your question, yes you did have a chance. It just depends if she's moved on now after you've blown her off for a while. That's the problem with playing emotional chicken.

 

Should I stay with her or is that just an all-around bad idea?

Depends on the relationship and the person. It doesn't sound like the breakup was nasty so you might give it another shot. There are always warning signs before someone says "I just need space" You need to figure out what went wrong and correct it or the same thing will happen again. Personally, I never go back, though it's very tempting at the time. Looking back over the years, it was always the right decision. Once trust is destroyed like that, it's over for me. But some of my ex's have become great friends after space and no contact. At the time though, friends was the furthest thing from my mind.

 

Is she testing me?

Who knows? Who cares? Does it really matter? Stop the games. Break it off entirely or get back together. You've made your point to her.

 

Also, how am I doing keeping the contact to a minimum? Will she contact me again?

I'm a no contact person because I never want them back, but I would say you've passed the minimal contact test. As for her contacting you, depends if she's moved on or not. Again, you've made your point to her. If she doesn't call, put the ego on mute for an evening and call her... See where that goes. If she's distant, move on for good and have NO contact.

[tygerr94]

I did call her tonight; we have been in regular, albeit less frequent, contact for about a week and a half. I think I have a real chance; I'm going to be able to see her in 2 weeks so we'll see how things go there... I will just go with the flow.