Is this dumb of me?

[cody19]

3+ months after I last saw my girlfriend... about 1 ish month since we found out she had to stay in her home country... and just under a week after she broke up with me... she had sex with someone else... not to mention the guy is 28 (7 years older than she is) but yet she doesn't think she is going to "date" him is what she told me.

 

Is it dumb of me to want her back?

 

 

After words I got her to consider calling this a break and she can do what she wants but then come back and rethink us...

 

Am I screwed? will she not want me back?

 

And is it stupid for me to want her back?

 

 

(ps we are gonna try 1 month NC first (maybe LC) and it's been 24 hours and its been a ****ing roller coaster)

[L3stat]

She's in another country, slept with someone else, are you seriousl? I wouldnt even entrertain the idea of getting back together, theres pleny of women here. this is probably not the first or last guy that she's gonna sleep with do yourself a favor and forget about her.

[cody19]

maybe i should add that we were together for 2 years (she was here even lived with at my parent's house with me while not in school) and for both of us we clicked so well and were a great fit. It was the best 2 years of our lives basically.

 

I mean don't get me wrong we had our small arguments but never anything worthy of a break up.

 

This is all really sudden.

 

I dont know if that changes whether or not it is stupid but i thought maybe i should add that.

[Trovador]

Wow, she really got a hold on you, man!

 

I don´t know why you keep asking other people if you are stoopid when you already know the answer...

 

So, keep living in the past, dude, it seems for you it is less painful than just moving on and living life at its fullest... good luck, I mean it...

[L3stat]

I understand that you guys were together but you seem to be over looking the fact the she slept with someone else. I know that people are different but for me that would of been the stake in the heart, i mean if i knew my girl gave someone a blowjob when we are not together then tries to come back uh wouldnt happen. so my adivce to you is man up and stop being a pussy, you dont sound like you taking it to hard so you are far better off then most people who get out of a relationship

[cody19]

I'm taking it pretty damn hard to be truthful. Otherwise I would have never joined this site... and that guy above you can apparently see it... my way of taking it hard is still wanting her back..

 

I'm just confused because on here everyone says right away to move on and ****... but when i talk to some closer friends or family they tell me its not wrong to still want her back (they tell me I need to start moving on but aren't so harsh about the truth I suppose).

[Banega100]

Wow, she really got a hold on you, man!

 

I don´t know why you keep asking other people if you are stoopid when you already know the answer...

 

So, keep living in the past, dude, it seems for you it is less painful than just moving on and living life at its fullest... good luck, I mean it...

 

This is the truth right here I'm afraid...

[shayan]

Listen,

 

I will be frank. Anyone who breaks it off usually spends a significant amount of time emotionally detaching themselves from you so that they can do it, otherwise they would not be able to, she was even able to have sex in the midst of all of this. Now tell me this do you believe chasing her at this point will change anything, more likely than not: no it will proabably just keep you in a percipitated state of sadness and dissapointment. If she truly loved you it would be impossible for her to leave. We are all so delusionary in the aftermath of a serious break up (I know because I have been there). Get rid of the the dis-illusionment look past the smoke and mirrors. Think about how much you loved her, would you ever be able to leave her? Now think is she really worth pursuing ask yourself that.

 

Is someone who shattered me and left me when I loved and respected them worth being chased, worth being thought about, worth being loved?

 

Good luck buddy, just don't make decisions out of fear.

 

And remember no contact is great but, but it is much more important to close your heart's door to the issue, and change internally.

[Billie The Puppet]

The dumpee should never chase the dumper - I need to learn this myself ha ha .

 

If the dumper decides they want the dumpee back they will chase and it is then the power switches hands to the dumpee

 

The dumpee will then have to face a difficult decision as to if they want to reconcile, most of us dumpee's want that right now because humans want what they can't have and an ex is something we can't have.

 

However whose to say if the opportunity arises that's what we will want?

 

Most of us dumpees do want our dumpers back sometimes so blindly we would forgive anything like the situation you told us. Now if my ex told me she slept with someone her motive would be to deliberately hurt me. What she does while she is single or at least broken up from me is none of my business.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[cody19]

I hope people don't get pissed at me.. I'm basically not listening to the advice given on here. Which really I'm not listening to well to any advice.

 

I've been talking to family, friends, even a counselor here at school to work on what I do from here.

 

I'm getting more and more "comfortable" with the fact that she had sex with someone else... and I honestly think if she would say "hey I made a mistake" I could forgive it. she didn't "cheat" and not only that but I've felt sexual frustration while being away too and we are both human so she acted on a strong physical feeling. Hell I may have even done the same.

 

The problem is I can't accept that it won't go back.. which is obviously going to be the death of me. Other than this sudden break up and the sex... I have nothing to be mad about with her.

 

I feel as though she is worth someone chasing/waiting for... sadly I don't know how long I think I could go on like this.. Right now it feels like I could wait (not to the same extent I am now) for her. I'm new to all of this... I"m not "LS educated" so I am still the type of person that if she was willing to say "hey I ****ed up" I would take her back. I really truly would because I feel like this girl and I are each other in opposite sex bodies, we had so much in common it was nuts.

 

I just fear that for whatever stupid ass reason she has (I see none) she won't want me back. She didn't give me a "good" reason other than that she doesn't feel the same. I don't get how that can happen. I am stable enough with my mind right now that I feel if she says she doesn't want me back, then she is the one making a huge mistake. But I question my ability to cope with that, I feel like I'm going to be just as crushed. I'm naturally a person who gets really close to the people I have relationships and this was such a long and great one that I am still confused why she broke up with me in the first place.

 

I even feel throughout the day that things are normal (or should be) and that if I were to talk to her we would be us again. But the thing that sucks is she has to be in on this too, and I can't control that and I usually would know she would be in on it.. but now that this situation has happened I don't know what's going through her mind anymore.

 

 

This has been the most exhausting 2 weeks of my life! My head is swimming.

[L3stat]

Wow, another one bites the dusk. Thanks for wasting our time.

[Don Ho]

I just fear that for whatever stupid ass reason she has (I see none) she won't want me back. She didn't give me a "good" reason other than that she doesn't feel the same.

 

I gave you advice in another member's thread and you blew it off. I see that you are blowing everyone off here, even though they're all telling you the same thing. You remind me of another member that would not listen to anyone and to reality, Pattawan. After a few weeks and getting totally sh$$t on by her Ex when she kept trying to "win" him back, she came around 180 and figured out it was over.

 

The "good" reason is that she DOES NOT care for you anymore!! I know, try to convince her with your logical arguments why she should love you. LOL. I don't know how she can make it any more clear. AND she already slept with another guy! Duh. And you're going to "forgive" her for her let another man shove his penis in her. Smart! Regardless, I'm sure you smothered her and drove her away. Good thing for her she lives in another country so that you can't stalk her!

 

Cool. Go ask your family and your friends. These apparently are the same people that have given bad advice like "just be yourself", "just be a nice guy", "just show her and tell her how much you love her and you will win her over". LOL. Great place to get advice! I guess they like fostering your delusion and your point of view.

 

Bro, I really do not like hitting you over the head like this, but you don't seem to be listening or getting it. I know that you will ignore it or get pissed about it. I just PRAY that you will finally see the light and see why everyone on your thread has told you that you have to move on. We will have to wait and see if you "evolve". Stop seeking advice from people that are only going to support your preconceived position, you'll only be the one to get further hurt in the end.

[cody19]

A) I would forgive her because I could. I really could don't care I'm smart enough (or at least open minded enough in my own way) to know that people will have sex with other people at times but it doesn't always mean anything. Would I just lay over and say "ok we are good now"? No, **** no I wouldn't let her off that easy, but I mean with work I could get over it. But the problem is obviously that she has to want to. And that's where my mind ****s me, because there really was nothing for her to break up with me. I don't see how I smothered her (like you seem to think) maybe I did but I don't see where.. she never had a problem until we were apart?

 

B) **** you, you don't know my family and friends. They don't tell me to wait for her, **** my family is mainly the reason I told her I couldn't talk to her for a while. My friends don't tell me to do anything they just tell me I'm not wrong for still wanting her back. They tell me not talking to her is the best and moving on is the best but they understand that it's not so easy as to just walk on like nothing happened. And I guess that may be because they actually saw me with her and knew what we were like. I don't know?

 

 

I have a problem with everyone... I can take their advice logically.. and understand what they are saying... but when it comes down to the situation I'm still ****ed up in the mind over the situation, I'm just so confused/baffled this happened.

 

I'm getting more and more pissed off at her for doing this to me, it's her ****ing stupid ass mistake, but if she would admit that she made a mistake I'd be willing to work it out (obviously). The problem is I don't know if she will see the mistake she made.

[Don Ho]

A) No offense Bro, but if you are willing to take a woman back that cheated on you, IMO, you're a total pussy. That's what women do, they often take back the cheating husband or BF, saying "but I love him". I just think that's a totally weak stance on your part and to me it shows you have no self respect. I imagine that IF she did come back and you forgave her, she would not respect you either. BTW, once a cheater always a cheater and she would only do it again. I have to imagine that you smothered her and you were too nice; that's my read on your personality and what happened in your situation.

 

B) HAHA. *** me!! Good. Glad your family and your friends DO NOT tell you that. But it does seem that all you want is to listen to people that support your point of view. Those type of people are also the ones that give you really bad advice about dating and relationships because they have NO CLUE themselves. No, Bro, it is not easy to walk on. No one said it was.

 

C) Ok. But your "heart" is misleading you from the good sense your brain is giving you. I think you know what to do, but then you get this flood of emotions about how you can't live without her, that shes the only, if only you could or would have done XYZ. Confused is normal. It's part of the process. You should be pissed off at her and continue to do so. That will help you get over her. When you feel soft and emotional about, think about her doing some other guy. That should help snap you out of it!

 

I think you're getting somewhere finally. It sounds like you're listening ... well, at least you're responding instead of just defending. Soldier on.

[Banega100]

eeshk. i think all that can be said against the poster's proposals has been said, and that some times people have to learn from their own mistakes. As I and just about every one else has.

[Banega100]

When you feel soft and emotional about, think about her doing some other guy. That should help snap you out of it!

 

A word on this advice; I think that this is really helpful. Everytime i think about how i miss her, or start to recall a great time, I force feed myself the image of her sleeping with some one else, or just holding another guy's hand and being totally in love with him.

 

As well, i tell myself repeatedly that she's flirting and talking to other boys and all the rest of it. It's nasty, but if i do a kind of rehearsal in my head i won't feel so bad when (not 'if') it becomes a reality. And it kind of detaches her from me gradually. So try it.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Banega100
typo

[cody19]

A) No offense Bro, but if you are willing to take a woman back that cheated on you, IMO, you're a total pussy. That's what women do, they often take back the cheating husband or BF, saying "but I love him". I just think that's a totally weak stance on your part and to me it shows you have no self respect. I imagine that IF she did come back and you forgave her, she would not respect you either. BTW, once a cheater always a cheater and she would only do it again. I have to imagine that you smothered her and you were too nice; that's my read on your personality and what happened in your situation.

 

B) HAHA. *** me!! Good. Glad your family and your friends DO NOT tell you that. But it does seem that all you want is to listen to people that support your point of view. Those type of people are also the ones that give you really bad advice about dating and relationships because they have NO CLUE themselves. No, Bro, it is not easy to walk on. No one said it was.

 

C) Ok. But your "heart" is misleading you from the good sense your brain is giving you. I think you know what to do, but then you get this flood of emotions about how you can't live without her, that shes the only, if only you could or would have done XYZ. Confused is normal. It's part of the process. You should be pissed off at her and continue to do so. That will help you get over her. When you feel soft and emotional about, think about her doing some other guy. That should help snap you out of it!

 

I think you're getting somewhere finally. It sounds like you're listening ... well, at least you're responding instead of just defending. Soldier on.

 

 

A) Well to be "technical" she didn't cheat on me. Was it ****ed up yeah. But here's the thing, the thing that is weird is she had sex so fast with a guy. But she did a very similar thing with me (we had sex after a week of knowing each other right before she left which actually pretty much made us feel like we should get to know each other and it worked out for the best). I took a philosophy on sex,love, and friendship class last semester and I don't know, it gives me things to think about.. for instance I realize I can find someone else... no problem there are plenty of people in the world. But I feel like why go find someone else when I already found someone I'm so compatible with. I'd almost rather use my energy patching things up there than starting over from scratch. I don't know maybe I will change how I see that though. And back to the "once a cheater, always a cheater." I cheated on her once (just made out not sex) towards the beginning of our relationship, and it took some working but we got through it. I felt like the biggest piece of **** afterwards and it crushed her. I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen again, and I truly wouldn't.

I can see why you would think I smothered her but I have problems with that idea because she loved it. Loved it all the way until she realized she had to stay in Holland (she didn't want to at first and she wanted me to go there). And throughout the relationship, if anything she smothered me. I.E. if we only texted throughout the day and we didn't talk on skype or phone she would basically get really upset and freak out. I would get pissed at her and say it was a stupid thing to be upset about and she would always ask if i was going to break up with her at the end of it, and I always said no, just because you piss me off at times doesn't mean I would break up with you.

 

 

{wow that was longer than planned}

 

 

 

B) No clue... friends you are probably right, a lot of my friends are saying things I want to hear to comfort me but they also try to tell me to move on but in nicer ways. My family are the same way but they do know what they are talking about. My uncle who is really close was married for 16 years got divorced, is remarried now and he said it took him a year into the new marriage before he realized he wasn't happy beforehand (maybe its a family thing) but he's been married another... oh 15 ish years now and is happy. My parents have been married for 27 years, my grandparents for over 50. My family knows what they are talking about. They might even be thinking many similar things as you but wouldn't say it the same. The difference is you would tell me the way I am (being as nice as I am as much as I am) is going to ruin any relationship, they would say that it's her fault for not appreciating that and that someone will and that will make me happier (the way I see it now is that she always did and I was always happy, this is just so sudden)

 

 

 

C) As far as thinking about her with another guy doesn't help I don't know it does. examples..... throughout the day i have memories of us studying and **** together and it starts to make me feel like I could just talk to her normal again, crack an inside joke and all that good stuff... but then I think about what's going on and it sends me on a rollercoaster ride. It may be "snapping me out of it" but it's not really doing me much good now. It's putting me in ****ty places.

I have caught myself seeing pictures of her and thinking how good she looks and how happy we were and feeling good and then thinking about the guy and getting really pissed off and ****.. and I've worked out every night the last 3 nights because of it.. more than usual for me and its at like 1:30 everytime because I can't sleep and it wears me out a bit so I can get some sleep.

I don't know though. She didn't "cheat" and thats part of the reason I feel as though I could forgive here a bit easier, and like I said I wouldn't just let it go.. I'd tell her I'm extremely pissed off and I'd tell her all the **** I could think of. Hell I'm hoping by the point this month is up I'm in a place that (hopefully) she can say yes she made a mistake but I'll say well.. good, I want you back.. but I'm not in a good place right now and not sure I can take you back so lets wait a little longer. But I don't know whats going to happen. And everyday of NC is harder because for instance today I had a moment where in class we discussed something that I had studied with her.. but when we studied I had turned it into a joke and it was funny etc etc basically had an inside joke. I feel so tempted to just send a one word message to her. in my head it plays out as her going "haha, oh yeah.. duh what am i doing" but I can't get myself to do it because it's too much to handle when she would just not reply or say something like "what?" or idk what...

 

 

Basically I'm pissed because she is being a retard right now. We had no problems and that's why I want her back. I don't understand how she "doesn't want me back." she is stupid if she thinks that. I'm a ****ing great guy. And we were happy as **** together. Which is why I have such a hard time moving on. I know at times she can be kinda.. dumb.. like I have to tell her, you're getting mad over nothing (I do the same things too and she would have to say it to me) so I almost feel that she is just like... confused and doesn't know how to handle this situation so she just acts dumb.

 

 

I don't know, **** me.

 

end rant

[Billie The Puppet]

A word on this advice; I think that this is really helpful. Everytime i think about how i miss her, or start to recall a great time, I force feed myself the image of her sleeping with some one else, or just holding another guy's hand and being totally in love with him.

 

As well, i tell myself repeatedly that she's flirting and talking to other boys and all the rest of it. It's nasty, but if i do a kind of rehearsal in my head i won't feel so bad when (not 'if') it becomes a reality. And it kind of detaches her from me gradually. So try it.

 

Doesn't help me, because I understand she is allowed to be with whomever she wants post break up as am I, So I visualize myself with some one better looking instead.

 

It's weird I had jealous tendencies when we were together that may have wrecked the relationship but now that the relationship is gone I am anything but that because her life is currently unknown to me due to NC.

 

However when I visualize it , it doesn't upset me nor make me have any emotion right now. Could I be letting go at this point?

Edited September 9, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[cody19]

Doesn't help me, because I understand she is allowed to be with whomever she wants post break up as am I, So I visualize myself with some one better looking instead.

 

It's weird I had jealous tendencies when we were together that may have wrecked the relationship but now that the relationship is gone I am anything but that because her life is currently unknown to me due to NC.

 

However when I visualize it , it doesn't upset me nor make me have any emotion right now. Could I be letting go at this point?

 

I know you weren't asking me, but my guess is yes. You sound like you can handle this a lot better than I can. I too was sort of a jealous type... like for instance some dbag talked to her a lot and she would talk back but it was always with me there too and she was basically just being nice to him... he was a faggot and she agreed. Upset me when he would ask her to go to a party where he was at or something (I would have gone too but I wasn't hangin with the same crowd) and really she just never went.

 

anyways, I would imagine you are letting go because if i think about it.. it still pisses me off... If i think about it more.. I think it could be less of a big deal than I make it out to be (we are broken up, we are human, she and I had a lot of sex so she could be missing that part a lot [not to brag but i'm "larger" and I made sure to please her too so...]) so idk.. I would guess you are. As I am not doing very well at letting go and the thought does upset me still.

[Billie The Puppet]

I know you weren't asking me, but my guess is yes. You sound like you can handle this a lot better than I can. I too was sort of a jealous type... like for instance some dbag talked to her a lot and she would talk back but it was always with me there too and she was basically just being nice to him... he was a faggot and she agreed. Upset me when he would ask her to go to a party where he was at or something (I would have gone too but I wasn't hangin with the same crowd) and really she just never went.

 

anyways, I would imagine you are letting go because if i think about it.. it still pisses me off... If i think about it more.. I think it could be less of a big deal than I make it out to be (we are broken up, we are human, she and I had a lot of sex so she could be missing that part a lot [not to brag but i'm "larger" and I made sure to please her too so...]) so idk.. I would guess you are. As I am not doing very well at letting go and the thought does upset me still.

 

I don't know myself because I go back and read all my own replies and threads and notice many ups and downs in my own emotions and what not.

 

However I think I am making progress.

 

Now you have to learn to let go of that jealousy it's a trait that repels most women.

 

As for getting pissed off or angry I haven't felt that at all yet.

 

I only got jealous myself when I saw red flags, Like she planned to do stuff for her birthday and discluded me from and it was stuff we have been planning to do together for months. (Zip- Lining) and When I read a flirtatious email from her to her Boss. All other times I let her talk to any guy she pleased because allowing them to do this stuff shows trust and only makes you look better as a man.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[cody19]

I hear ya on the jealousy thing. I was just being honest when I say I feel it some. It happens. But I used my head most of the time to see past it you know. It wasn't like I had a reason any of the times before to be full out jealous.

 

But she was just as jealous as me. One time I was on skype video with her but talking to a girl (someone I literally only saw as a friend, was not attracted to her at all) said something to me that made me laugh.. so I smiled. My girlfriend kind of got upset about it. (one of the instances where I said she was getting really upset over nothing.)

 

It just amazes me how she can go from being all about the stuff I did for her, just as in love or more in love with me than I was with her, and also get upset about these things... yet all of the sudden she doesn't feel it anymore. And she has gotten upset about things I say lately (well before the NC after the BU) that it's almost like... well apparently there is something otherwise she wouldn't be that upset about what I said.

 

But I don't know anymore what to think. I believe she is lying to herself and believing every bit of it (and maybe I'm the one doing it) because she doesn't want to go through a little bit of a rough patch of being apart while we figure out how to make things work. I find it very stupid. I want her back because of who she was, and IS. I'm only upset/pissed at her about the way she is being/acting now.

 

If you haven't felt pissed off/angry.. I don't know. I would say you are doing better than me, but honestly I haven't been terribly "pissed" yet it's more of upset. And at times huge amounts of disbelief/disappointment all at once. I'm confused more than anything as to why it happened, I'm only pissed that she is being dumb.

 

But I don't think you sound like you are going to get pissed off later... I just think you are more over it than I am? or have come to terms a lot easier than I have. I'm not sure. I should probably stop being the one to reply to you since I'm not the one who is in the best position to advise at all. (I guess I'm not really advising)

[Don Ho]

OH NO!!! BILLIE THE THREAD THIEF IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

[cody19]

OH NO!!! BILLIE THE THREAD THIEF IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

 

Heard that. I was expecting something from you again ha.

[Don Ho]

I must have pissed you off .... you're starting to sound like you're thinking!

[skydiveaddict]

Is it dumb of me to want her back?

 

 

)

 

 

No not dumb, completely understandable. But it would be foolish (IMO) to take her back. Find someone who cares about you, 'cause she doesnt