Fallingapart Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 (edited) My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7...He became friends with a girl at work that was goin thru a difficult time in her marriage..he would come home from work and tell me about the conversations they had, well, I ended up meeting her at my husbands work one day and actaully liked her alot! From then on..we exchanged numbers and became friends as well...we discovered that we had a lot in common as we both had mothers who were pieces of crap...I eventually babysat her kids so she could go to work one day cause her regular babysitter cancelled..anyways, the OW got into a bad cat wreck one night on her way home and almost lost her life, she hit a tree head on, was in a coma for three months and suffered a brain injury....her car was totalled and caught fire when she hit the tree.. My husband and I both visited her in the hospital many times, comforted her husband, er even went as far to set up a fundraiser to help pay medical bills..I sold raffle tickets, I auctioned items, I opened a bank acct to make donations in her name..after all this, I get a call from her husband to tell me that one of the things police were able to retrieve from her cat was her cell and that he has over 100 text messages between her and my husband that were extremly inapropriate..he read some of the text to me..the text suggest that they met up the night she was in the accident..there were sexual comments in the texting...to make a long story short..I confronted him anf he has denied ever having any sexual activity with her..the only thing he has admitted to was sending text that were inappropriate..I have not convinced myself that's all that it was! Even that is bad in itself! Its beenalmost a year since this happen and I still have not gotten past it..when I first found out I left and he begged me to come back..he called his entire family and told them that he made a mistake and he wa the cause of this! I did come back to him but I can't stop wondering what really happen between them cause I don't think he has told me the full truth...I have even went as far as contacting the OW via email and she will not respond to me. I love my husband but I'm so hurt and don't know how I can get past it..I feel not only betrayed by my husband buy by someone who befriended me too. Edited September 8, 2010 by Fallingapart Left out info
Author Fallingapart Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 I forgot to mention thathe courted me for two months after I found out..he gave me sooo much attention and then I felt like when he thoight I wasn't goin anywhere he slacked off. He has since let me have free rain to his email and phone! Let me say that before all this our relationship was not what it use to be,,we both lost out jobs within a year of each other and we had two toddlers and my husband ended up working two jobs which kept him away from home alot and less time together.
lkjh Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I doubt it stopped at texting especially if they were meeting up. Why don't you contact her H and talk to him? You can also contact her directly, and ask her flat out. I doubt she will be honest but the only way to find something is to look for it
PegNosePete Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I agree with lkjh, there was most likely a PA where there was sexting with RL meetups. It does sound as though he is trying to work it out, though. He has certainly done the right thing by allowing you full access to his phone and email (unless he has another secret email account!). "Privacy" is no longer a word that is in his dictionary. But if you are to work things out long-term, he has to come clean about what happened. Total honesty, and total NC with the OW.
Author Fallingapart Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Lk..she and her husband both have changed their cell phone numbers since this happen so the only way I was able to contact her was thru email that I retrieved thru facebook..that was 5 mths ago and still no response from her..and I didn't come at her as an attack anf I just explain to her that I needed to hear what she had to say and I would leave her alone...my husband is still denying to this day that he never touched her..my gut tells me that he's not being truthful about it and I don't know why..I have told him that it would help our relationship by him being upfront about it all so we can try and move forward and just because he tells me the truth doesn't mean I'm goin to just walk away..I need the truth to put my thoughts of what if at ease...the more we talk about what happen the more we both can determine what we need to work on in out marriage..if I bring it up, he says the same thing he did from day one and if I keep prying he eventually gets upset! Oh and the OW and her husband (heard thru grapevine) that they r still working on all their probs and back together.
PegNosePete Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Follow your gut. It is nearly always right. If he is still denying it and you feel he is lying, then he probably is lying. Sexting + secretly meeting up = sex in all cases. If he is not prepared to admit what he did and take responsibility, even when you've said you'll most likely forgive him, it's not a good sign. As for getting upset, well he has no right. He should be bending over backwards to do whatever he can to make things right. If that means answering the same questions endlessly, then that's what it means. I would suggest you get to MC and see how that goes.
2sunny Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Follow your gut. It is nearly always right. If he is still denying it and you feel he is lying, then he probably is lying. Sexting + secretly meeting up = sex in all cases. If he is not prepared to admit what he did and take responsibility, even when you've said you'll most likely forgive him, it's not a good sign. As for getting upset, well he has no right. He should be bending over backwards to do whatever he can to make things right. If that means answering the same questions endlessly, then that's what it means. I would suggest you get to MC and see how that goes. i agree with the above. why not leave him and see if he may become more willing to get some honesty out on the table. when there's nothing to hide, people hide nothing. he knows he's lying. that's not useful to your M healing. he may have an extra phone or communicate with her soley through work. what about his work email? he hasn't been willing to do the hard work to repair the M, hasn't worked hard to find out why he did this to you and the family. so he is suspect to doing it again. he may still be secretly seeing her now. his defensiveness shows guilt. this is not your fault - it's his. when nothing changes = nothing changes. this is why the M is still in disarray! you two have alot of truth to discover and work through. ignoring things and pretending like it's all ok doesn't make for a happy M at all. it tends to create more fear and resentment. that is not useful.
freestyle Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Falling apart........ I'm so sorry you went through this---double betrayals are especially painful. What your H is doing now is what's known as "trickle-truthing"---It can do just as much damage as the act of infidelity itself , be it emotional or physical.It does nothing to help rebuild trust. His desire to sweep everything under the rug, and move forward, is nothing more than him dodging accountability. You can't be expected to forgive---unless you know exactly what it is you're forgiving.As long as he's still withholding some of the puzzle pieces, you can't get an accurate picture----so of course it's still eating at you. Maybe you can try to explain it to him like that--write him a letter, so you can say everything you want to say, without being interrupted. Oh, by the way, in your scenario, I wouldn't trust the OW to be truthful to you, so I would be very skeptical of any input from her. She had no problems, lying to your face, pretending to be your friend, encouraging you to spill your heart to her-----------------when all the while she had her sights set on your H. Not all OW are like that , but any OW who pretends to be a friend to a BS, and milks her for info about the marriage---just to use it against her is lower than low, IMO. I wish you my best.......oh, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a good read for understanding the dynamics of situations like this---just maybe you can get your H to read it also.
2sure Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 A marriage can survive infidelity and prosper into something beautiful. A crisis like this often gives marriages a wake up call and by processing and living through the crisis together ....couples end up closer and stronger than they ever were. That CAN happen. But not until all the cards are the table and discussed honestly and transparently. Until then...the betrayal just continues to undermine your marriage.
Lizzie60 Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 They had a full blown affair.. trust me on that one.. Of course, he will lie.. now that they've been discovered, they'll do anything to make it sound as if it wasn't serious.. come on... the hardest part would be that you did so much for her.. she was an hypocrit..
YellowShark Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 He became friends with a girl at work that was goin thru a difficult time in her marriage..he would come home from work and tell me about the conversations they had, well, I ended up meeting her at my husbands work one day and actaully liked her alot! I get a call from her husband to tell me that one of the things police were able to retrieve from her cat was her cell and that he has over 100 text messages between her and my husband that were extremly inapropriate..he read some of the text to me..the text suggest that they met up the night she was in the accident..there were sexual comments in the texting... I love my husband but I'm so hurt and don't know how I can get past it..I feel not only betrayed by my husband buy by someone who befriended me too. I'm so sorry you went through this---double betrayals are especially painful. Here's my story. My EX was cheating with a good friend - MM - who I liked very much too. We socialized together, (dinner parties, BBQs, camping trips), I even helped him with his business repeatedly, my son cut his frikkin' lawn! So I can relate to the double betrayal factor. It's bad enough to have one person cheat on you, but to have TWO people you trusted and cared for cheat on you is devastating. It's like having two people you cared for die instead of one. And the fact that they were doing it behind your back and betraying you WHILE you were supporting them both is such a fundamental slap in the face. My sympathies to you Fallingapart. I can totally relate to the feelings that are going through you right now. Best of luck.
turnera Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 If you're unable to move forward, tell your husband. Tell him that without total honesty and discussion of what happened, you cannot stay married to him. Suggest that he take a polygraph; suggest that, if he chooses not to, you will choose to move out. See what happens.
Author Fallingapart Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 I really appreciate all ur input, it really helps to hear someone elses point of view from the outside...one of u questioned the fact could he still b seeing her at work..he quite that job as soon as all this came out, to the veryday to be exact and also the day I left at first..she lost her job there because of the wreck that caused her to be in a coma for months..as far as I know he has had no contact with her..I have even went as far as to check phone records online. I think I will take the advice of what many of u are saying and tell him that I can't get past this without knowing the full truth.. I want him to look me in the eye and tell me exactly what he did with her, I don't care how uncomfortable it makes him feel, I deserve that!
YellowShark Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I don't care how uncomfortable it makes him feel, I deserve that! If he is truly remorseful and wants to keep you he needs to step up to the plate and take 100% ownership for his affair. He also needs to do whatever it takes to win YOUR trust back, you are not going to simply give it back. Look at it this way, your husband - who promised to love, honor, and cherish you - has betrayed you in a big way. It's not about his desire for you to "let it go," it's all about his day-to-day actions to repair the damage he caused. Good luck.
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