What do i tell him

[IfiKnewThen]

hi

 

i have a long story, had a LDR relationship 10 years. he was great to me, but major stresses began in my life and he always seemed ok when i would talk to him about it, until in the last 6 months that we were together. he couldn't take the weight of it anymore and kept it ALL INSIDE himself..and fantasied about having a better relationship outside of me maybe someday..etc. of course he never told me this until it was too late and sneakily broke off with me. yes, he didn't even have the nerve to do it directly even tho we are long distance. he told me he wasn't going to his friends to do something one day and at the last minute went and told me he lied about not wanting to go because i was always too hard to talk to and he didn't want to hear anything or get confrontation..etc. and then gradually he was distant and cold and mean till he said cant we just be friends. meanwhile he always kept EVERYTHING..........i mean EVERYTHING inside of himself and resented me on the inside and acted all nice on the outside...etc up until that point. ok, so we are broke up and have been for near 4 months now. at first he was so cold and horrible and no i didnt do N/C BUT i wasnt hardly ever the one to contact him. i more or less did follow the leader, and only spoke to him or answered him when he called me. i told him i was remorseful about not giving him more confidence to talk to me and that i wished i had treated him more lovingly when i was stressed with things other than him. he told me he was tired of feeling like he was evil..etc. i told him he made me happy and thought he knew that..etc. i really am not this bad...in fact all i do is blame myself...only to the extent that i know he was giving more and i kept draining him without being nicer to him for being there for me when i needed him.

 

i have been depressed and remorseful etc. yet i did give a lot to this man too. sacraficed a lot. but since he was very good to me (except that he hid his real feelings all the darn time and let them build to our destruction with no fair warning for me to shape up or ship out..prior) i wanted to start being better by being a friend to him and treating him with dignity and respect. so i accpeted being friends but he wasnt friendly much. but i kept at it and was still nice. i didnt call him as i said...but i was nice and once in a while sent a nice email just updating him from time to time. plus i changed a lot and pushed myself to be more independent. i have a disability, and few friends since i don't get out much..and i became dependent on him from a distance.

 

anyway, i took all blame and we when he stopped being SO cold we finally became a little wee bit of friends. it improved : ) respectful emails..etc. (but he never speaks from the heart and soul) just terse friendly stuff.

 

he did tell me he found someone one day but he had to see how it went because she too is LDR and wanted to get to know her.

 

here's the wind up and here's my problem. i started telling him all the good things that i was making happen in my life. like making the most of my summer and getting out more and being more independent. he said it was great and was a shame i didn't do all that sooner...before. he still doesn't talk about himself at all. but said he was proud of me and such. he did manage to call me recently and acted all concerned about the weather reports we were getting in my area.

 

so, all looked good as far as being some kind of less cold amicable friends. wooo hoo. then he started talking about his sexual desires. no details just in general. because he called me one night in the middle of the night and i missed his call. when i asked why he called, he said you dont want to know. i said tell me please. i wanted to know something about his feelings and soul. he was vague but i got the gist of why he called. it was a sexual thing.

 

ok so then we had some more brief but more frequent, irregular emails...about this and that. everyday stuff. ok, so we are just friends. but more like hi and good bye and some fun small converstions in email here and there.

 

 

then my phone rang in the middle of the night/am. it was him..(still a little shook up here) and i was out of a dead sleep, and i am not going to get into any detail here ..but he went right into... phone sex. i was taken back but since i had neglected him with my illness/disability for a great length of time..sighs 2 years...out of the 10 were were together.. i stayed on the line listening to him..gosh this is embarrassing listening to what he had to say. i wanted to be there for him like he was always there for me with all my darn problems. i never did this before and i knew we are just some beginning kind of friends now..while we can be.

 

then afterwards he said..sorry. i said it was ok. sighs...and we hung up. i was ok..until he didnt even call all day to say..something like "hey that was cool of you to hang in there for me. i lost my senses" say something like that. anything. just n/c and silence today. this was never the kind of guy he was with me while in the relationship. but here now, didn't do/say a thing..aka call. and now of course i feel like a jerk.

 

i want to tell him so...but i am concerned he will just feel bad about himself again like he said he did thru the whole relationship and then used that against me. he always said i can never do anything right...i feel like i always mess up..etc. i dont want to give him another rock to throw at me but him saying or secretly feeling bad and evil and then distancing himself more when we did have some minor break-thru's. on the other hand.. if i dont say anything, then i feel like i have to crawl out from under a rock myself. i feel used. i feel worse. why would he just call today and even laugh it off with me. i never felt this way before . its so weird because i was always in a relationship when any intimacy involved. i wasnt intimate..i just was there for him and listening to what was on his mind. he took me by surprise at 3 am and in a dead sleep.

 

anyway, i need some suggestions as to what to maybe say to him at this point. i kinda want to say.."hey i was feeling like i let you down in so many ways so i really wanted to be there for you like you were for me in different ways when i needed you in the past...like when i had stresses and problems and you listened to them all the time. but thats when you were my b/f and not this on and off friend you are now. so i dont want to make you feel bad or anything..but that cant and wont happen again.

 

does that sound ok? or what else to say...? any thoughts?

 

i am sick of being in this position of wanting to get closer and thought there might be hope and we were making headway and at least respectful kind emails and now this whammy. yes, i guess i left myself open for this because i did admit i missed him when he told me why he called one night out of the blue.

 

but it FEELS like he didn't care and took it too a whole other level with this call. i think he wanted to see what he could get away with. anyway, any thoughts. please don't beat me up too much. this is a guy i did not give anything to for 2 years..in the 10 years because of stress and illness. but he understood that and said he was ok with that. that it was the attitude i had that made him..become deceitful in his feelings and hidden and leave ultimately. he did tell me prior to his middle of the night call in an email a week ago..that he recognizes that i am a new person and he really noticed a bonified change in me. so here i thought we were getting along. now i feel like a jerk! listening to him and NO phone today!!

[aerogurl87]

10 years in a LDR and you two didn't end the distance? May I ask what was the issue that caused the distance not to end after 10 long years?

 

Also him calling in the middle of the night for some phone sex while you two aren't in a relationship is not what I would consider a "breakthrough". That was just him trying to get his rocks off with the person he knew would put up with his horniness at 3am. Also why didn't he call this new girl he's in a LDR with? Shows he respects neither you or her for that matter. Go NC and move on with your life.

[CycleOfLove]

I agree with every word aerogurl87 said. Move on.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok i agree with you both and thank you. i did mean breakthrough as far as him sounding like a better friend in tone and email until this call last night.

 

but heres the thing. i dont want it to be that he feels he got what he wanted and then even gets to get rid of me as a friend too in the process, without....saying something...that leaves me feeling left with a little more dignity and gaining some of the respect that he tried to rob from me last night..after all the healing i had done.

 

he really caught me off guard and i know took advantage of my vulnerability and kindness for me feeling, i had neglected him during our relationship and all. so i want to say.. "i sleepily hung in there for you last night because i was thinking of the cool guy you used to be in the past and all the time you helped me with different issues. but you arent the same anymore and we arent in a relationship and you didnt even call and say hi like a friend the next day..you just provided silence. so you are not genuine to me and just thinking of you and i no longer respect you now. it didnt have to be that way..it could have been special. especially since you knew i was trying to make good for any wrong i ever did by not being as demonstrative is showing appreciation towards you as i could have. and you have this love interest, so call her. i was foolishly trying to be kind and you took advantage of my good heart...because you KNOW i am a good person. OR..i can say..."hey i was feeling like i let you down in so many ways so i really wanted to be there for you like you were for me in different ways when i needed you in the past...like when i had stresses and problems and you listened to them all the time. but thats when you were my b/f and not this on and off friend you are now. so i dont want to make you feel bad or anything..but that cant and wont happen again. so you need to contact your new love interest, and learn to appreciate me for the friend i was willing to be for you before you showed your true interest and colors."

 

i dont know. i want to say something..and then do N/C. but i have to say something first. dont you guys think so?? something? so i can purge this regret? since he acted like a real jerk and didnt call to say anything?

 

i will miss his friendship though...i cant begin to tell you what a good friend he was to me for 10 years. it was multi reasons ..10 years and no getting together for good. we did get together for visits all through the years however. ...one thing then another. me getting sick...me having my 1 child living here....his mom being sick down where he lives. he did pack up and was moving to me once and i unfortunately stopped it because i had to get out of a relationship i was in but ended..in the beginning. and it was too soon then. sooo many reasons ..also he procrastinated when i didnt show appreciation by treating him better. for all he did in the last year . sighs so much. but this man helped me take care of my mom when she was dying of cancer...he came up to help out. so i know he has a good heart but now he has changed and i feel his resentment may actually be trying to punish me? but i was good to him too but not nearly as good as he was too me but he had less stresses where he lived and how he lived. but i have been treating him like gold now..i know we are broken up..but still i am kind and dont bother him...and improving myself so much...and he said he did notice this. and calls me a brand new person. (unless he is internally being sarcastic) gosh he hold so much inside and doesnt tell you about himself. and its hard to get him to talk now and he made me scared to ask him. plus i am afraid to hear anything painful anymore...

 

but he was never so bold as to use me. horrible. i was trying to show i can be understanding to his needs and i am changed. but now hes just being a horrible jerk. i mean to not even call the next day. how low did he sink? as an individual who usally had a conscience. he was a God fearing man and we prayed a lot together on the phone. he was always sensitive and all . now hes cold and weird and ...omg....i feel violated by him not calling and i was healing . now i am more hurt than ever and diasappointed. i was feeling like i had the upper hand in that i am a better person now and i was understanding where he was coming from back then and i was accpting things...and moving on and trying to value what i had in his friendship now. and seeing it as a blessing. then i allowed this...because i didnt want to reject him again. i was trying to heal by not feeling mad and see the good in him and reflecting on my own failures in all of this. i think he was admiring it. why did he do this now? why did i allow it? why did i think he might feel moved that i let him be him and finally after 2 years...i am lost for words. but i want to say something to hit home with his better/.higher self before i leave and leave him with THAT thought. instead of what he did . i had him respecting me instead of hating me like he first sounded like when he broke it off...and i dont want him looking down now because of this. because i foolishly thought he was mature enough to see i went along to give back something and let him know i was capable of being intimate with him on some level when i had seriously gotten away from it with my illness. so frustrating...

[aerogurl87]

Nope don't contact him, let him be. You can only truly begin to heal when you have nothing to do with him. Good people can become jerks too, it's called growing. Some people grow in positive ways, others in a negative way.

[IfiKnewThen]

he finally wrote hello today in email and said just saying hi. how are you? and that he was at work early.

 

i have to be thankful for every little thing. another prayer answered by God.

 

i do wish there was more substance to it and the walls would come down and he could remember better times and there'd be another chance.

 

i wrote back i am fine and you? and said i heard they are having heavy rains down there.

[aerogurl87]

he finally wrote hello today in email and said just saying hi. how are you? and that he was at work early.

 

i have to be thankful for every little thing. another prayer answered by God.

 

This reminded me of the lyrics from a song by one of my favourite bands. It says "don't feed me scraps from your bed, I won't be the stray coming back just to be fed." Do you really want to just be there to get this guy's scraps? I mean initially yes you may think that a little something is better than nothing when you really want him in your life still. But I can tell you from personal experience that having the whole plate (someone's full attention and care) is a whole lot better than having to wait for little breadcrumbs.

[IfiKnewThen]

you are right. i dont want the scraps or the breadcrumbs. i want the bakery full of bread up to the ceiling that i had.

 

but he made a decision that he ddint want to give that anymore to me .

 

but i had hoped and wanted to try. because i am the one that messed up here . if i were giving him all he needed and being absolutely 100 kind at all times to him when he was SO DARN good to me...i wouldnt have gotten to the point and lost him. BUT i thought if i could show him i have changed and to show him in action not words from my disadvantage point 1000 miles away...maybe he would reconsider.

 

but i met him when he was young and i think he wants to get things out of his system. but this WAS a mature man who would have stayed with me...had i NOT messed it up and wouldnt have wanted to look elsewhere. i wish i could just talk to him or see him in person. i wanted to try to the end and i was doing good until i gave him what he didnt deserve while not with me. any form of intimacy. but i hoped in my sleepy state when he shocked me out the the blue, it would tap into his feelings. but all it seemed to do so far is make him more hidden. i didnt hear from him at all the next day. then just got a "hi" basically the day after that. at first i thought..maybe he is embarrassed or maybe he thinks i will chew his head off..so hes not calling. but then i thought, God what if its the worst senario. that he even less into me now because i caved in. UGH. but i was trying to show him the sensual spontaneous side of me once i was in over my head with being blindsighted. and to show him that that aspect did matter to me too. but i should have known better. i am so disgusted and more depressed than ever now. i feel like i am in a daze with depression at the moment. and i want to say something to him now. if he wasnt a jerk and called the next day..i wouldnt be having this conversation. and i wrote him back. hi too and asked him a question about work and no answer. God help him. he's offically turned into a ....

[IfiKnewThen]

ok he wasnt too young. he was 25 and is now..35

[aerogurl87]

First off no one can be kind 100% of the time. I love my boyfriend and I've had instances where I can be a bit of a bitch to him and he's had times where he can be a jerk to me. So it's not even humanly possible to be nice 24/7.

 

Secondly, if you want him back you need to be upfront with him about what you want. Apologize, tell him to take it or leave it, and if he doesn't want to work things out move on with your life. Personally I don't even think he deserves a second chance because of how much he's acted like a jerk, but if that's what you want, that's the way it's gotta be. I don't mean to come off as being preachy but there is a Bible passage that explains how true love should work and that is right on the money. It's found at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and even when I was agnostic I still used it as a measuring stick for figuring out if a guy was worth it or not. It says "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." If your ex doesn't embody these characteristics then it's time to move on.

[carvidep]

First off no one can be kind 100% of the time. I love my boyfriend and I've had instances where I can be a bit of a bitch to him and he's had times where he can be a jerk to me. So it's not even humanly possible to be nice 24/7.

 

Secondly, if you want him back you need to be upfront with him about what you want. Apologize, tell him to take it or leave it, and if he doesn't want to work things out move on with your life. Personally I don't even think he deserves a second chance because of how much he's acted like a jerk, but if that's what you want, that's the way it's gotta be. I don't mean to come off as being preachy but there is a Bible passage that explains how true love should work and that is right on the money. It's found at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and even when I was agnostic I still used it as a measuring stick for figuring out if a guy was worth it or not. It says "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." If your ex doesn't embody these characteristics then it's time to move on.

 

I myself am Agnostic but I do agree completely with that description of love. AG is giving you great advice, and all of us here on LS are here to support you.

 

Best of luck!

[IfiKnewThen]

well i think that not only is common sense talking to me here (aka you), but probably the holy spirit too. i thought this same exact thing myself the other day. i have been away for 4 days now and came here to read this post and was blown away. i think someone IS trying to tell me something. he actually kept a written record of my wrongs. and was seeking his own selfish satisfaction calling me and then NOT calling me. i finally have his number now ; )

he was once a nice guy. but he is NOT one anymore.

 

thats REAL clear to me. he sank real low being all out for himself and i see him now for what hes become.

 

i havent spoken to him. as i said i went away. i never did send him a letter but i still feel like telling him he was a dirtbag to call me like he did with ill intentions when i was vulnerable and stupid enuff to listen to him. anyway thanks for all your insight and imput