mindovermatter3 Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 some of you have followed my posts. *and i am new to this place* but now he is calling. some nice vms some really indifferent. mostly i think he is mad i am not responding. but he says he wants to talk. do i cave? he really did put me last and made me feel unimportant in his life. and this is repeat behavior that i just cannot put up with anymore. but i love him and i feel really weak right now. do i give in and call? ugh. idk. help
Author mindovermatter3 Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 And if i call him back, we will no doubt end up back together...but i am not certain i want that. i really for once dont know what to do. its usually me running right back. now, i just feel burnt out. zero energy to deal w/ it all. my head says 1 thing. my heart: another.
Gossamer Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Yes, it's so so so so effing hard to not go back to who we know they "can be", when they have time, interest, or needs. It sounds like your ex has treated you like an afterthought for too long, and that you have become adapted to it. I think there's a way you can have a relationship with him, but it would take a long time to write out, and the Starsux staff are putting the chairs up on the tables. But, please, take a time out for yourself, draw a bath BUT MAKE YOURSELF UNAVAILABLE FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN. He knows you will cave. They only come back with a renewed interest in changing once they realize you can live happily without them. Ok, more soon! Big, big hugs!!! Gossamer
Author mindovermatter3 Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Thx. yes. thats a good word for it: an afterthought. hmmm. ok hot bath here i come!
Trovador Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I don´t get it... he wants to talk to you and viceversa... so? Wouldn't it be a good chance to put all the cards above the table? Now, if you really don´t want him back you shouldn't be having self doubts... keep him out of your life a day at a time but I'd answer back though if only to tell him that I'd need some time alone... this way he'd quit calling and exacerbating your emotional injuries... At the end of the day, playing unavailable hurts both parties IMO... Take care...
TaraMaiden Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 And if i call him back, we will no doubt end up back together...but i am not certain i want that. i really for once dont know what to do. its usually me running right back. now, i just feel burnt out. zero energy to deal w/ it all. my head says 1 thing. my heart: another. In all matters of the heart - follow the head.
Gossamer Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Trovador, I understand that you think I am suggesting "avoidance" as a game of "hard to get" or "not getting things out on the table". But that's not the advice I was giving mindovermatter3. The poster has indicated that he treats her terribly, as an afterthought, and that she has already tried to invoke NC as a way to break this cycle. The cycle is one whereby the ex does understand perfectly well that she will go "running back". I am using the poster's words. He is manipulatively pulling her strings. She is not using NC as a way to "punish" him, and she is not playing games as regards avoidance. I was advocating that she put the energy and focus into practicing Radical Care, for herself. That, used with us not responding to every burp, fart and utterance, in this case, the phone calls, the ex uses to try to suck us back in, we are taking back our power, self-esteem, control. It doesn't feel that way at first. And I am struggling with it, myself. But it does get better when you put the focus back on yourself. That is what I mean by avoidance/avoid. You "train" people when you give them attention for disrespecting your boundaries. Even if she did not formally tell him she was invoking NC, the person who was dumped and treated badly has every right to not respond, until, or if, ready. I took a stand for the poster to gather her own strength, first, take her space. And then decide what to do. If taking care of oneself means letting the dumper twist in the wind, so be it. They did that to themselves. I just wanted to clarify that I was supporting mindovermatter3's decision to take time for herself, and avoidance doesn't mean playing games with the dumper. It's a way of self-protecting, first. That's the most important thing in all this confusion of trying to establish boundaries, and the ex trying to pull our strings so we come running back. Sometimes responding by putting cards on the table is just rehashing it all, and you get more hurt by getting sucked into their needs for attention and control, again. Just wanted to clarify what I was trying to advocate, self-protection, first. Gossamer
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