H wants to tell OMW

[confusedinkansas]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

 

Katie - I understand why you're saying this.

Why air dirty laundry when it really isn't necessary. Makes perfect sense to me. Keep your marital issues within the confines of your own home.

I get it. Personally I don't think it's anyone's business what goes on within a marriage. Yes, even if it involves another married person. It's a Nun-Ya situation.........Nun Ya Biz.

Telling the other woman would gain.........What Exactly???

Sounds to me like your marriage is well on it's way to being better than before. Why rock the boat? Have you asked your husband this? Because YES it will rock the boat in your house too.

Others have tried to TELL you how you're feeling, how your husband is feeling yadda yadda yadda. (typical)

 

My question - & it may be here already I just may have skipped over it.

 

Since you didn't eff the other guy. Have you told him what your husbands intentions are? Perhaps that'd scare him into telling. Although I'm still not for that in every situation either.

[LifesontheUp]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

 

Now thats a big assumption. After all it hasn't split up you and your husband has it? So why use this as an excuse, yes I said excuse.

 

If this is what your husband needs to do in order to help him heal then you should be backing him up with it.

[katielee]

confusedinkansas - thanks! That's exactly what I'm thinking.

 

H talked to OM and threatened to tell his W twice and since no hell has broken loose we're assuming she hasn't been told.

That said, OM was caught emailing an old gf and so this would probably be his 2nd strike.

I'm really not trying to protect him, I just want H and I to be on our merry way. If this is what he needs to get better, so be it.

Someone said I don't want to be the center of OM's marriage when she finds out - you got that right! H and I have been dealing with OM in our marriage for a while and I feel we're finally getting better, this might send us back a few steps.

Also, I was a child who's Dad left after an affair. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. But, of course, I should have thought of that before getting involved with OM.

[2sure]

Having been a BS , you are doing the best you can as far as letting your husband make the decision . By your not implying in any way that you would prefer to protect the OM , by your showing your spouse that you have given up that control, letting him do what is best for him....

 

Thats what your H really needs. When all is said and done he may soon decide that he doesnt need to bring it up to OM's wife. On the other hand...if it continues to be something that eats at him....insist that he do it, get it over with, so that you can process that together and move on. Dont let it remain an obstacle.

[bentnotbroken]

Why is it necessary that the BW needs to be told by Anyone - besides her own husband. Why should Katie's husband tell...? Why should Katie tell? Why should anyone involved in an affair TELL their AP's spouse of the affair?

 

Shouldn't it be the BS's SPOUSE'S decision as to whether she's (anyone is) told or not?

 

I guess I'm just old school. Other's business is just that - THEIR BUSINESS. Their marriage.

 

On the other hand - Katie, If your husband is hell bent on telling her - you really can't stop him.

 

But those that think it's NECESSARY that your husband tell or you tell her - or anyone else for that matter tell her - I think that's a bunch of hooie!

 

It seems the cheating spouse has already made enough bad decisions without the BS's knowledge. So why do you think they deserve the right to decide anything else? You keep talking about who has the right to tell, what gives one person the right to lie and cheat and then not be held accountable by the injured party? Which cannot happen if the party does not know.

 

As far as I am concerned the cheating partner loses all rights to make decisions for the good of another without their consent. And this though is supported IMO by those who continue to lie because they know if the BS finds out they WILL be held accountable in some way. I think having an affair is a bunch of hoooie, so we agree on there being hoooie in the world, just not what is defined as hoooie.

[confusedinkansas]

It seems the cheating spouse has already made enough bad decisions without the BS's knowledge. So why do you think they deserve the right to decide anything else?

 

As far as I am concerned the cheating partner loses all rights to make decisions for the good of another without their consent. And this though is supported IMO by those who continue to lie because they know if the BS finds out they WILL be held accountable in some way. I think having an affair is a bunch of hoooie, so we agree on there being hoooie in the world, just not what is defined as hoooie.

 

On the other hand - Katie, If your husband is hell bent on telling her - you really can't stop him.

That's why I said this. She can't stop him if he wants to do it.

I understand that according to many here you lose all your rights as a human being when you cheat DUH! (which in itsself is just silly.....)

 

My only question is WHY....should he go to the AP's wife?

 

I don't believe for one second the reason why Katie doesn't want him to go to his is to protect her OM. Thats silly - I belive that - just like she said - no more drama.....Move on with life. Keep their marriage on track & moving forward. Not going BACK to what was in the past.

 

By telling the AP's spouse, you're pretty much scraping open a wound that's already started to heal. Why?

 

Sure, if it were all fresh & new & he just say a few weeks ago found out...... - Why Not tell....But that's not the case in this situation.

Edited September 10, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[jnj express]

Hey confused in kansas---you were a betrayer right, so we know where your thinking comes from----you have no empathy for the betrayed

 

the BS has the right to know, everything that goes on in re: her married life----She probably has gut reactions about something, but can't pinpoint what it is, she needs to know so she can prepare her kids for whatever may hit them

 

Her cheating H., may be sleeping all over town, or having one A., after the other----SHE IS ENTITLED TO KNOW----where the money is going, why her H. isn't home, because he is out roaming around with numerous women

 

She needs to know cuz he may have contacted an STD, for he now has taken an army of new people with him into his sexual escapades

 

SHE IS ENTITLED TO KNOW

[JustJoe]

That's why I said this. She can't stop him if he wants to do it.

I understand that according to many here you lose all your rights as a human being when you cheat DUH! (which in itsself is just silly.....)

 

My only question is WHY....should he go to the AP's wife?

 

I don't believe for one second the reason why Katie doesn't want him to go to his is to protect her OM. Thats silly - I belive that - just like she said - no more drama.....Move on with life. Keep their marriage on track & moving forward. Not going BACK to what was in the past.

 

By telling the AP's spouse, you're pretty much scraping open a wound that's already started to heal. Why?

 

Sure, if it were all fresh & new & he just say a few weeks ago found out...... - Why Not tell....But that's not the case in this situation.

I'll say one thing for you, CIK, you're consistant. You really do believe that continued secrecy is a good thing, don't you? When will cheaters ever learn. Secrecy and deceit only brings more secrecy and deceit. The OP is entitled to her opinion, but has deliberately forfeited her right to influence her husband's decision, by her infidelity. KatieLee, you have to examine your motives for not wanting to tell. Are you truly doing this to help heal your marriage, or are you doing it to protect yourself from the backlash?

[bentnotbroken]

That's why I said this. She can't stop him if he wants to do it.

I understand that according to many here you lose all your rights as a human being when you cheat DUH! (which in itsself is just silly.....)

 

My only question is WHY....should he go to the AP's wife?

 

I don't believe for one second the reason why Katie doesn't want him to go to his is to protect her OM. Thats silly - I belive that - just like she said - no more drama.....Move on with life. Keep their marriage on track & moving forward. Not going BACK to what was in the past.

 

By telling the AP's spouse, you're pretty much scraping open a wound that's already started to heal. Why?

 

Sure, if it were all fresh & new & he just say a few weeks ago found out...... - Why Not tell....But that's not the case in this situation.

 

 

I do not for a minute that anyone stops being a human. That's ridiculous. But I do believe when you cheat, you stop being a respectful spouse and you do lose the right to make decisions for the person that the cheater disrespected. And no I don't believe she is protecting the xOM. I believe she is protecting herself from possible fallout from the BS. It is human nature and normal to want to cover your own mess and azz. That doesn't make it right.

 

The best way to move on is to learn from the past. It is what makes us who we are. You and I won't agree in telling a spouse, you have your reasons colored by your experiences and I have mine colored by my experiences, my belief system and what is right, not what is convenient and easy.

[katielee]

KatieLee, you have to examine your motives for not wanting to tell. Are you truly doing this to help heal your marriage, or are you doing it to protect yourself from the backlash?

 

both! And, I'm not afraid of the BS or am I protecting the OM. In fact, I'm afraid of him and what he might do.

[JustJoe]

Katie, my advice would be to state your objections, once, then let it go. If you continue to disagree with your H, he might begin to feel that you still have feelings for the OM, and that you are being deceitful again. YOU caused this, nobody else. Now you have to pay the bill. Sorry, but that's how it works. You and the OM screwed up two marriages, own it and move on. Your Husband will do what he feels is right, and you really don't have any right to question him or his motives.

[Dexter Morgan]

both! And, I'm not afraid of the BS or am I protecting the OM. In fact, I'm afraid of him and what he might do.

 

who? the OM? what is it you think he might do?

[jnj express]

Hey Katie----you just never know what kind of S**T you bring into your life when you go places you shouldn't be going

 

Worried about OM in your life----you should have thought about that prior to spreading your legs

[katielee]

jnj - how bout you read before you post...didnt spread my legs!

[jnj express]

Hey Katie---I apoligize----I kinda use spread your legs to cover the whole range of cheating----you just gave your heart and all your intimate secrets to the other guy-----actually that is probably worse than spreading your legs----included there-in you the two of you probably put down each of your spouses and enjoyed every minute of it----am I right????--------Don't get to self-riteous----You still knew there were innocent kids in that other family and you certainly didn't give a care about their future----if you want to be picky---how about your take on ruining the lives of your "emotional" lovers' kids----I haven't heard word number one from you on that subject

[michelangelo]

I agree with everything Dexter wrote here.

 

Trust me, as a BS, as painful and nightmare-inducing it is to find out just how low one's spouse can act; it is FAR BETTER to find out the truth however you can, than to keep living in a lie.

 

That way an an informed decision about how to live can be made.

 

Would the truth be better delivered by the lying cheat of a spouse?

 

Of course!

 

But lacking that? Anyone stepping up would be great.

 

I didn't get that privilege of the truth. I know some of my wife's GFs knew and even socialized with us. Did one utter a word to me? Nope.

 

Ho's before bros I guess.

 

Tell the truth!!

 

 

 

 

first off, you think your marriage is stronger than ever? maybe on your end. But I guarantee you every day is filled with inner turmoil for your H, he just won't show it. Evidence of this will be his wanting to tell the OM's wife.

 

don't fool yourself, he isn't fine and dandy being with a cheater, he is just making the best of a crap situation as he can since divorce is way too hard for anyone to want to contemplate.

 

 

 

 

no you aren't. you are concerned about your OM. you weren't concerned about hurting the wife when you were with OM.

 

 

 

 

no, the fact that he cheated on his wife will destroy the family, not your disclosure of it. funny, neither of you were worried about destroying families when you betrayed your spouses.

 

 

 

 

you let your H do it if he wants. You OM is responsible for his own actions. Nobody held a gun to his head to stick it to you, and vice versa.

 

if your husband wants to do this, whether for closure, for revenge, or so that his unsuspecting wife knows what kind of ahole she is married to....so be it.

 

you hurt your husband, and whether you think so or not, scarred him for life. He may be fine after a while, but he will always have triggers of what you did to him.

 

so if he wants to tell the OM's wife, I say he should do it and not worry about what you think.

[herenow]

How sad that you feel it's OK for the BW to be the only person in this mess to not know the truth.

 

I agree with all who say she deserves to know. At least, if she knew the truth, she could make the choice to work on her marriage if she wants to. Why do you want to rob her of that choice?

 

If you had a heart at all, you would make the call yourself and not make your poor husband do your dirty work. JMO

[InceptorsRule]

All I can suggest katie, if your H is going to go through with blowing the whistle to the betrayed wife, is that you'd BETTER BE SURE you've told your husband EVERYTHING.

 

Because if your H talks with the betrayed wife of your OM and finds out more stuff than you've told him about, you can probably kiss your marriage goodbye.

 

I noticed you were very careful to say you didn't "eff" the OM nor did you "spread your legs" for him.

 

But, did you "spread" anything else for him? Was there any physical involvement at all? You need to TELL ALL to your H RIGHT NOW if you haven't done so already.

[katielee]

Inceptors: I'm listening....

[Maggotface]

Okay well since this affair wasnt physical and therefore apparently not really a big deal then theres no reason for the OMW not to know. You act so offended when someone mentions that you had sex with him like what you did was so much better.

 

You got to do whatever you pleased while you were with the OM, why can't your husband have the same freedom? You're lucky he didnt have a revenge affair or leave you.

[Tony]

This thread is filled with lectures and sadly lacking in constructive advice. Please do not post in a thread if you don't feel qualified to give solid, helpful advice to a member. People do not come here to be lectured and they don't want same. Don't do it...keep your moral opinions to yourself and don't judge others based on your own beliefs. If you can't do that, don't post.