H wants to tell OMW

[katielee]

it's been 6 months since I ended my EA and although my marriage is stronger than ever, H wants to bring closure to this by telling the OMW. I told my H right away and I was only involved with OM for about a month. I begged OM to tell his wife as well but he said he couldn't as she would probably kick him out. He has 3 young children and my children are in college.

However, I am very worried how much this will hurt the OMW, finding out from my H, months after the fact. I feel we have the power to destroy that family and I don't want to be a part of this.

H, on the other hand, feels the OM hasn't been held accountable.

I feel so responsible. What to do?

[desertIslandCactus]

It sounds as if your H, in order to forgive you - wishes to hold the OM more accountable, to the point of punishing him by bringing his BS into it.

 

All you can do is to stress to your H that the BS was the innocent one, and that he should leave her out of it. If he still proceeds, there seems to be nothing you can do.

[lkjh]

By cheating you made yourself apart of this.

[BellaBellaBella]

There is the theory that affairs thrive in secrets. The idea is everyone who knows so all BS's keep the WS's accountable, thus killing the affair for good.

[Dexter Morgan]

it's been 6 months since I ended my EA and although my marriage is stronger than ever, H wants to bring closure to this by telling the OMW.

 

first off, you think your marriage is stronger than ever? maybe on your end. But I guarantee you every day is filled with inner turmoil for your H, he just won't show it. Evidence of this will be his wanting to tell the OM's wife.

 

don't fool yourself, he isn't fine and dandy being with a cheater, he is just making the best of a crap situation as he can since divorce is way too hard for anyone to want to contemplate.

 

 

I told my H right away and I was only involved with OM for about a month. I begged OM to tell his wife as well but he said he couldn't as she would probably kick him out. He has 3 young children and my children are in college.

However, I am very worried how much this will hurt the OMW

 

no you aren't. you are concerned about your OM. you weren't concerned about hurting the wife when you were with OM.

 

 

finding out from my H, months after the fact. I feel we have the power to destroy that family

 

no, the fact that he cheated on his wife will destroy the family, not your disclosure of it. funny, neither of you were worried about destroying families when you betrayed your spouses.

 

 

and I don't want to be a part of this.

H, on the other hand, feels the OM hasn't been held accountable.

I feel so responsible. What to do?

 

you let your H do it if he wants. You OM is responsible for his own actions. Nobody held a gun to his head to stick it to you, and vice versa.

 

if your husband wants to do this, whether for closure, for revenge, or so that his unsuspecting wife knows what kind of ahole she is married to....so be it.

 

you hurt your husband, and whether you think so or not, scarred him for life. He may be fine after a while, but he will always have triggers of what you did to him.

 

so if he wants to tell the OM's wife, I say he should do it and not worry about what you think.

[bentnotbroken]

He should tell her. It isn't right that everyone knows except her. If XOM is going to be kicked out for a month long emotional affair, you can't bet your Aunt Susie's support hose that it isn't the first time he has done something that is bone headed or it was more than a one month emotional affair. Your husband telling her isn't what will hurt her, it is the two people who disrespected her that will hurt.

[blizzard]

There is the theory that affairs thrive in secrets. The idea is everyone who knows so all BS's keep the WS's accountable, thus killing the affair for good.

 

amen to that...exactly right.

[Iconoclast]

Here's how you begin to redeem yourself as a person. Have your husband deliver the bad news to the OMW. Then you follow up with a letter to her, telling her that you will answer any question she asks truthfully, for as long as she needs, if she so desires. That will at least spare her the lies her husband will tell her.

It's a pittance of effort for the disaster you helped brew.

[jnj express]

Hey K----the OMW is entitled to know----whether she is put in pain or not---she needs to know what kind of a person she is married to, and she needs to protect her kids, from him, should he find another to cheat with------She may already know in her gut-that something is not quite right with her mge

 

Bottom line---she is entitled to know so she can make an INFORMED decision about how to live the rest of her life.

[TaraMaiden]

Well there you go, Katie... you stir the crap and it's going to stink.

Suck it up.

You had your fun, but did you really, honestly, truly imagine everything would be neatly teflon-coated?

 

Get real, hun.

You mess with it, deal with the fall-out.

[desertIslandCactus]

There is the theory that affairs thrive in secrets. The idea is everyone who knows so all BS's keep the WS's accountable, thus killing the affair for good.

 

 

A good point. Sin does thrive on darkness.

[katielee]

Even if this affair has no chance of starting again?

[TaraMaiden]

Yours no.

 

But ever stopped to think that maybe he has someone else lined up....?

 

Your H is perfectly within his rights to do this.

Look upon it as Damage Limitation.

[imagine]

Cheaters lie.

 

To their spouses, their children, their employers but most especially to the affair partner.

 

If you were the cheated partner do you not think that forewarned is forearmed?

[scatterd]

I think you trying to get him not to tell is showing your husband you still care for this man by protecting him.He wants to make sure that it is over with both sides.Not telling the wife is not doing her a favor she has the right to know plus she will also watch her husband and make it harder for her husband to

make moves on you again.show your husband you are loyal to him and willing to let him do what he needs to so he can heal.

Edited September 8, 2010 by scatterd

[Untouchable_Fire]

it's been 6 months since I ended my EA and although my marriage is stronger than ever, H wants to bring closure to this by telling the OMW. I told my H right away and I was only involved with OM for about a month. I begged OM to tell his wife as well but he said he couldn't as she would probably kick him out. He has 3 young children and my children are in college.

However, I am very worried how much this will hurt the OMW, finding out from my H, months after the fact. I feel we have the power to destroy that family and I don't want to be a part of this.

H, on the other hand, feels the OM hasn't been held accountable.

I feel so responsible. What to do?

 

The way you say all this makes me feel like your trying to protect the OM at the expense of your H. If you say anything like this to your H I am sure he will get the same feeling. I'm giving you fair warning on this.

 

Seriously... if you were really over it... you would not care.

[Dexter Morgan]

Even if this affair has no chance of starting again?

 

the affair shouldn't have started in the first place.

 

once you have proven to be more than capable of being a cheater, and are one, there will always be a chance you want strange in the future.

 

you have proven yourself to be a cheater, your husband, in the back of his mind somewhere, probably realizes this.

 

Like I said, it may seem fine and dandy on the surface, but you will forever be someone to him that he will not be able to completely trust. Your marriage and relationship may be ok, but he will always be reminded that you effed another man. Thats not a strong marriage...that is one person trying to ignore what his spouse really is for the sake of not having to go through a divorce.

 

your marriage may last until you both pass away, but don't kid yourself into thinking he is all fine and dandy being married to a cheater. Men can put up a front real well.

 

and again, if he decides to tell your OM's wife, don't get mad at him...you brought this down on your H. And its irrelevant whether the affair between you two happens again or not....the OM's wife deserves to know what kind of azzhole she is married to.

[katielee]

really Dexter? Hes staying with me because hes afraid to get divorced? He told me hes never been more in love with me and that the work weve done the last 6 months has made our marriage the strongest and its the happiest has ever been....

and for the record, I did not eff the other man.

[Untouchable_Fire]

really Dexter? Hes staying with me because hes afraid to get divorced? He told me hes never been more in love with me and that the work weve done the last 6 months has made our marriage the strongest and its the happiest has ever been....

and for the record, I did not eff the other man.

 

Meh...

 

Your still choosing your OM over your Husband. How do you explain that?

[katielee]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

[bentnotbroken]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

 

 

Why would a family split up over a month long affair? And if that is the case, the action of splitting the family up happened when the 2 of you engaged in the affair. You each inserted yourselves into the others family. She just doesn't know it yet.

[Iconoclast]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

 

You're a fool.

You do this for you.

Go read my post again.

[xxoo]

No I'm saying why split up a family if you don't have to

 

Right....but, of course, that is a reason not to have an affair in the first place.

 

The thing is, you had the affair for a reason. And now, your H wants to tell the OMW for a reason. It will make him feel better, reassure him somehow.

 

You had the EA without your H's blessing. Now, he is asking your blessing to tell the OMW. Do you feel it is your right to deny him what he needs to do to feel secure and have closure? Do you feel you can determine what is necessary in his path to healing?

[jnj express]

Hey Katie---come on get real----now you are spewing out worry about the other man's wife and kids-----where was your worry for them while you were giving your heart to her H., where was your worry, while the 2 of you were giving away the secrets of your own mge.'s, and putting down your own legal partners as justification for your professed love to each other

 

Please do not get the idea that just cuz you didn't spread your legs, that you were justified----A's of the heart can be way more deadly than just plain unemotional physical sex-----stop defending, your scumbag lover----both of you knew full well you were driving a dagger into your own mge.'s----and you knew full well he had 3 kids, and that what you were doing was going to leave them emotionally, and mentally scarred for the rest of their lives------but no matter what your scumbag lover's wife has a right to know who/what she is married to.

[seibert253]

it's been 6 months since I ended my EA and although my marriage is stronger than ever, H wants to bring closure to this by telling the OMW. I told my H right away and I was only involved with OM for about a month. I begged OM to tell his wife as well but he said he couldn't as she would probably kick him out. He has 3 young children and my children are in college.

However, I am very worried how much this will hurt the OMW, finding out from my H, months after the fact. I feel we have the power to destroy that family and I don't want to be a part of this.

H, on the other hand, feels the OM hasn't been held accountable.

I feel so responsible. What to do?

 

Your responsibility should lie with your husband and his healing. To me it doesn't sound like you 100% understand this.

 

This is not about you, this is about your H and your M. You should be doing whatever it takes to repair the damage YOU did.

 

If exposing the OM to his W is going to help in his healing, I don't understand why if you're committed to your M and H, you have issue with this. Actually I do understand, you're embarrased and want this to go away. It's not going to until your H has closure and moves forward.

 

IMO you need to bit the bullet on this one and take one for the team.