jaykay007 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 My wife left me 2 months ago, during this time she moved into her own place. Her history: She had a child at the age of 19, She married the boy’s dad and divorced him 7 months later, She has been through rocky relationships with some abuse, My dad and her dad have been best friends since before my wife’s birth, After her last abusive relationship she moved in with my parents, I met her and we started going out, Match made in heaven! She was 22 when we got married My History: I was successful in my line of work, Steady feet on the ground, Financially sound, Very lonely. I was 30 when we got married. Now the story goes, we got married 3 years ago. All the butterflies and young love was there. My parents basically helped her brought the boy up from birth and he refers to my parents as grandma and grandpa. I basically knew her all my life with some huge gaps in between since the friendship between our families. I fell in love with her, she was uncertain about where the relationship was going since all the previous bugger-ups. But she made up her mind and told her father I am the man of her dreams. We got engaged 4 months after and 9 months later got married. We were really happy for a year and a half. I accepted the boy as my own and brought him up. Somehow I new in the back of my head, if this is not going to work I need to protect myself. So before we got married I had my lawyer draw up a very detailed pre-nuptial agreement and never legally adopted the boy. She was not very happy with the agreement since it sounded to much like “if we get divorced”. Our relationship deteriorated with more and intense fights and actually spending one night apart. We did speak about our problems but did not always found the solutions. She complained a lot she does not have her own friends since the time she moved out of the small town to live with me in the big city. She told me long before that she suffers from depression since her mother died and all the failed relationships. She was on medication (5mg Lexamil daily). She is also considered as a “cutter” (when they cut them self’s during low times and some arguments we had) In the meantime we relocated to a beautiful coastal city, hoping this might be good for both of us. A real place of piece and beauty and loads of things to do. Now to get to the point, things went bad, she cheated on me 5 months ago and I caught her our with emails and text msgs. She admitted twice she had an affair but recently she denied it was just friendship and that she was lonely. The stuff I got tells a different story all though she read it herself. We have been thought the forgiving stage and things was good for 4 months. I gave her space for the ladies nights etc, perhaps to much freedom and I was warned by friend this is not healthy. If I was not working we spend a lot of time together, I always made time for my family, yet I caught her out again for not being honest in her nightly calavant’s while I stay at home looking after the boy. Confronted her about it, and she told me she does not love me the way a wife should love her husband. She told me I pushed her away and she needs to make her own decisions and admit she will take responsibility for it. She told me she feels this relationship is not working. I found a few letters 3 weeks ago in middle of text books address one year ago to me explaining her feelings and what we need to do to fix it, yet she never spoke a word to me about it. I was the only one who talked to her about my issue; I told her she stopped showing me the real touch of love so this goes both ways, the answer I got was “I was not raised up with affections; I am not your mother”. We when for some counselling, she told me in one session she loves me 70% as a friend and 30% as her husband, what does that mean??? Anyway I flew the boy up to my parents and kicked her out. She earns a very small salary, I provided for 95% of the house hold. She moved in with another guy a week ago, claiming they are just friends but yet when I dropped of some stuff off I’ve seen a photo of her in the guy’s wallet. I asked her about it and she told me in anger she hand photos to every one but immediately took it out. She told me in anger she is tired for the fact that I keep thinking she is having an affair and trying to destroy her. I feel I haven’t heard the whole truth even with the relationship she had before. The boy is back with her now, confused as hell but I keep in touch with him. She started blaming me for out marriage but I told her 3 nights ago I have had it. I filed for divorce 2 days ago. She signed the settlement agreement with (how it looks like) no remorse. I am practically leaving her with nothing (thanks to my prenup). I still love her, but I can’t take the pain anymore. Now that we are on the brink of divorce all my friends and family told me she was not right for me and don’t deserve me. They all knew this will happened but did not want to tell me. She is now on 20mg Lexamil, seriously depressed and gained weight like mad. The financial suffering will kick in after the divorce is final and I cut her off financially. Needless to say, I tried everything. Worship the ground she walked on, I spend so much time with her, I bought her expensive presents. When birthday and anniversary comes I put a lot of though into it, bought her a brand new car which only lasted 3 months before she totaled it. Made her surprise breakfast etc etc etc.. and after all this she still left and cheated on me...what did I do wrong or missed? What do I do when all falls apart for her and want to come back. Like I said, I still love her madly but I am not sure if this will be a good idea to take her back. I am weak and soft and fall’s easy for her manipulation. I am so worried for her, I still care so much. Everything in my house reminds me of her. I can only think of the good things. HELP!
GorillaTheater Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 This may happen. If it does, and you haven't moved on by then and closed that door, my advice is to take things very very slowly. You need to make sure that this is a genuine desire to reconcile as opposed to you being the back-up plan if the OM dumps her. Divorce or not, the old marriage is dead. DON'T let her move back in with you right away. In fact, I'd wait a year or longer. You have to get to know each other again, and if you need remorse, transparency, joint/individual counseling, and a genuine sorrow for hurting you (as opposed to merely getting caught), then don't settle for anything less. But this is a hard road, much harder than cutting things off with her permanently. You have to decide if reconciliation is worth the potential pain, particularly the pain caused by her doing this to you again.
IfiKnewThen Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 i am sorry. did i miss something here. is she indicating she wants to come back? maybe i have to reread the post. i am tired. you want to know where you went wrong. what part you played in it all. doesnt mean you are to blame. it does take 2 BUT......read men are from mars woman are from venus. PLEASE. its not all about showering someone with gifts. its the way you talk to someone, listen to someone, take care of each other's heart and needs. spend time with someone. items dont take the place of those more important things. i mean being a father is huge and great of you..and providing her with a roff over her head. there is so much to love and its work and both of you have to do the work. maybe even pray on it. she needs to do her part too. stop keeping things inside herself. writing notes she never sent. she needs to learn to express herself and not run away. thats all i can say to help. i wish i knew then what i know now...
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