Is bad sex enough of a reason to end a marriage?

[LittleTiger]

The answer to your question R&HP is 'yes'. At least in some cases. What you have to weigh up is whether you're prepared to lose everything else you currently have for the chance of a more fulfilling sex life. But then again, it's not that simple is it - because it's not just about sex?

 

Your husband sounds similar to my ex (note ex) who was also clumsy and uncoordinated - in the bedroom and on the dance floor. I don't think he had much of a sex drive either and, although I knew he loved me, he always seemed to be lacking in raw passion. He said that he enjoyed sex with me (at least when the marriage was good), but I never felt that I excited him much and things never really 'flowed' between the sheets.

 

I love sex (with the right person). I have a 'healthy' sex drive and I'm very passionate. We had a good life in lots of ways and we were great friends, but we weren't sexually compatible. These days, I believe that compatibility, or lack of it, is glaringly obvious. I have a new man now and the sex is smoking hot! I wouldn't say the marriage ended solely because of the sex but it definitely played a huge part in its demise.

 

Just like you, sex became more and more important to me as time went on and we talked about open marriage etc too, though not very seriously. I think, of the two of us, I was the most frustrated and miserable. My needs, both emotional and physical, weren't being met and that started to drive a huge wedge between us. I felt lonely, unloved and undesirable. For whatever reason, he couldn't, or wouldn't do anything to put it right, including MC, and to cut a very long story short, he eventually called it quits and left me devastated.

 

So on the face of it, it may seem drastic to end a marriage because of bad sex but, regardless of any decision you make to stick it out, the marriage will be under huge pressure and may end anyway despite your best efforts.

 

That said, I would never encourage anybody to end a marriage without trying every possible avenue to repair things. Sex therapy, MC, IC, tantric sex classes and anything else you can think of.

 

Just remember, if you do decide to end things, you have a lot to lose so you better be very, very sure.

[Eeyore79]

If sex is the only problem you'd be silly to let him go. Your sex life can be fixed, especially if you find each other attractive and are in love. It's just a matter of technique; therapy could help you with that, and while your husband may be resistant to therapy, surely it's preferable to divorce?

 

If there's no attraction then it's not something you can create - it's either there or it isn't. If it isn't, you need to get out of the marriage. I've been in sexless relationships where the guy was decent, loving, kind, etc but I just didn't fancy him, and that was never going to change.

[florence of suburbia]

Hi Rock. I'm in the same situation you are. I used to think that aside from the sex, everything was perfect, but I came to learn that wasn't true. I was just out of tune with my own needs, both emotional and sexual.

 

The problem with teaching sexual technique is it isn't really about that, is it? It's about chemistry.

 

As an analogy, some people can banter back and forth the first time they meet, trading witicisms and cracking each other up. They speak the same language of humor.

 

With another two people, it might not happen immediately, and it might never be hilarious, but after knowing each other for a while the relationship builds and the humor flows and is enjoyable.

 

With still a third set of people, the humor always falls flat. They are on two different wavelengths. She makes a joke, and he says..."What?" and looks blank. Now, she could try to tutor him. She could say, "I tend to like puns with a twist on popular culture, and obscure references to history, like Monty Python." She could then go on to give examples, show him old Monty Python tapes, etc. But doesn't that defeat the point? The point of connecting with humor is that there is mutual understanding intrinsic to the relationship, and shared experience that translates into a give and take that is smooth. Yes, you might be able to teach someone to get your humor, but would it be worth it?

 

BTW, I have stayed with my husband, and we no longer have any sex.

Edited September 8, 2010 by florence of suburbia

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This really eats at my craw..... If he is ready willing and able added to the fact he loves you..... then how about some guidance, a book, instructions and communications.

 

Do you orgasm all the time? 50%, 25% or less? Is he aware when it has been no good? Does he finish before you come and it is over for you two? Have you vocalized when to speed up,slow down, change positions, use your hand, tongue???

 

Have you asked him if he is missing anything?

 

Sorry, but this is so one sided..... Are all men mind readers? Are we all supposed to be Warren Beatty in bed?

Again buy him a book, read something together, buy a DVD, go to a class, a sex store..... Heck I just saw vibrating rings at the pharmacy beside the condoms..... I thought that was only available in some seedy back alley store distributed in a brown paper bag!!!!:laugh:

[Darth Vader]

@ XXOO

 

Interesting comments regarding it not being his responsibility to turn me on. I suppose I have never really thought of it as a responsibility and when I put your comments into the context of my relationship with my husband, I don't think either of us have ever really treated it as a responsibility either.

 

I have often found ways to turn myself on and also reach climax -- that's not the issue. But, for example, when I manage to turn myself on and seek my husband's participation, I sometimes find myself no longer turned on. He just seems to paw at me clumsily or slobber all over me or approach with the wrong rhythm or some other not-so-sexy movement. And this happens despite the coaching I give him.

 

I'm really at a loss.

 

 

Get hubby checked out for low testosterone, perhaps his hormones are out of balance, perhaps he's always had low testosterone.

[xxoo]

I have often found ways to turn myself on and also reach climax -- that's not the issue. But, for example, when I manage to turn myself on and seek my husband's participation, I sometimes find myself no longer turned on. He just seems to paw at me clumsily or slobber all over me or approach with the wrong rhythm or some other not-so-sexy movement. And this happens despite the coaching I give him..

 

It sounds like he actually is turning you OFF, which is different from not turning you on.

 

How is the intimacy and connection outside of the bedroom? Do you seek his arms for hugs and cuddles? Do you love to hold his hand? Do you take comfort in his touch?

 

Do you feel generally close or distant?

[Darth Vader]

My BF suggested I reply to your thread. So here I go and this is not about me. My husband and I are not sexually compatiable. I begged him for years to step it up or change it up and he did not. It became for us a sexless marriage, I must reach out to him. While I could please my him, and experience joy in his pleasure I could achieve joy myself from him.

So I told him the truth, it makes me happy for you to achieve joy and I feel close to you when you do. I will take care of myself from here on out.

 

Years, ago when seeing a psychologist she told me men and women seldom achieve orgasm at the same time. That it is often a take turn situation. I can see that now. My husband being very open minded, suggested me taking a lover to find my satisfaction. I told him I couldn't do this without feelings and discovered polyamory. I do know I have room in my heart for more then one person. I told my husband, that I needed to have feelings with and he read about polyamory. He felt this was a reasonable solution for us.

 

Hence, I did sign up for a dating site. I was very open with everyone I would never leave my husband. Oddly, enough I did meet some interesting people. However, I fell in love with someone I had befriended.

There have been a few hiccups, my husband asked for certain boundaries.

I do respect them as does my BF. My BF and I needed to create a boundary as well.

 

My husband has only ever doubted his self once on here, that was when he was flamed for not having balls in the situation. He no longer reads love shack. He gets support when he needs it elsewhere. The first time he even expressed doubts on the situation was this evening. We had a horrible fight about an on going issue this weekend and I told him I was getting a Divicorce. This had to do with an issue in our marriage unrelated to BF. He felt vulerable tonight, as BF knew about the fight. He expressed fear and needed reassurance. BF needed some reassurance as well the situation wasn't changing.

 

I have also been in therapy and with a psychologist who has known me for years. She suggested a sex therapist.

 

So all in all tossing away a otherwise good marriage isn't an option for me.

 

BTW my BF likes your writing style better then mine...LOL

 

Good luck!

 

 

I gotta ask, if you're screwing someone else on the side, what's your husband getting out of it, except knowing you screwed someone else? Would you let him screw someone else, or is it only you and nothing for your hubby? That would be a problem, in many ways if you can do it, but your hubby can't!! Your hubby may need hormone replacement therepy to get going if you know what I mean, get him checked out.

[LittleTiger]

This really eats at my craw..... If he is ready willing and able added to the fact he loves you..... then how about some guidance, a book, instructions and communications.

 

Do you orgasm all the time? 50%, 25% or less? Is he aware when it has been no good? Does he finish before you come and it is over for you two? Have you vocalized when to speed up,slow down, change positions, use your hand, tongue???

 

Have you asked him if he is missing anything?

 

Sorry, but this is so one sided..... Are all men mind readers? Are we all supposed to be Warren Beatty in bed?

Again buy him a book, read something together, buy a DVD, go to a class, a sex store..... Heck I just saw vibrating rings at the pharmacy beside the condoms..... I thought that was only available in some seedy back alley store distributed in a brown paper bag!!!!:laugh:

 

I think she's already done all this TDP!

 

My ex was very like her husband. I tried everything - no spark of interest, enthusiasm or effort. The things I loved, he either forgot to do, or apparently couldn't be bothered. I eventually bought a couple of books about improving your sex life. I tried to share the contents with him, read out stuff that was suggested, 'hey we should try this' etc etc - no spark! Some of it he even shot down. I left both books lying around for him to read and they never moved from the spot where I left them.

 

He loved me too, I know he did and I loved him, but he was always the same way about sex. Sometimes our emotional bond in bed was awesome, but the physical aspect was never satisfying. I wondered if he had low levels of testosterone or if he was painfully shy when it came to sex.

 

Since the divorce I've also considered that we were too 'friendly'. My family and friends have thought the same. We've been friends all our lives (still are) and probably the transition to sex partners was too big a leap. Who knows - we still made it work for 14 years.

 

The OPs situation may be entirely different but her husband seems to have a similar attitude to sex. That really isn't her fault and she clearly wants to make it work if she can.

 

Sadly though, sometimes sexual incompatibility can't be fixed.

Edited September 8, 2010 by LittleTiger

[giotto]

maybe he is just not that sexually attracted to you...

[LittleTiger]

maybe he is just not that sexually attracted to you...

 

This is a possibility, but unless her husband is prepared to admit this to her, she's never going to know.

 

It's also very rare for men to marry women they're not attracted to - unless sex isn't that important to them. It happens much more the opposite way around because men and women tend to prioritise different things in a partner.

 

It doesn't change her choices either. She's tried changing things in the bedroom and it hasn't worked so it's pretty much live with it, or end the marriage. Tough choice.

[giotto]

This is a possibility, but unless her husband is prepared to admit this to her, she's never going to know.

 

It's also very rare for men to marry women they're not attracted to - unless sex isn't that important to them. It happens much more the opposite way around because men and women tend to prioritise different things in a partner.

 

It doesn't change her choices either. She's tried changing things in the bedroom and it hasn't worked so it's pretty much live with it, or end the marriage. Tough choice.

 

well, as a man, the only thing that would stop me from having sex with my wife would be not being attracted physically to her anymore. Even then, I would still have sex with her, because she is my wife and her happiness in that department would be important to me. I think her husband is doing it out of duty. How can it be that he is not learning even a little bit? He is just not paying any attention because he is not interested. How can he be that clumsy in bed? I think the OP should just drop the bomb and question him about it...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think she's already done all this TDP!

 

My ex was very like her husband. I tried everything - no spark of interest, enthusiasm or effort. The things I loved, he either forgot to do, or apparently couldn't be bothered. I eventually bought a couple of books about improving your sex life. I tried to share the contents with him, read out stuff that was suggested, 'hey we should try this' etc etc - no spark! Some of it he even shot down. I left both books lying around for him to read and they never moved from the spot where I left them.

 

He loved me too, I know he did and I loved him, but he was always the same way about sex. Sometimes our emotional bond in bed was awesome, but the physical aspect was never satisfying. I wondered if he had low levels of testosterone or if he was painfully shy when it came to sex.

 

Since the divorce I've also considered that we were too 'friendly'. My family and friends have thought the same. We've been friends all our lives (still are) and probably the transition to sex partners was too big a leap. Who knows - we still made it work for 14 years.

 

The OPs situation may be entirely different but her husband seems to have a similar attitude to sex. That really isn't her fault and she clearly wants to make it work if she can.

 

Sadly though, sometimes sexual incompatibility can't be fixed.

 

I read it that she is more looking for an excuse or beating around the bush. She has said a lot but again seems to miss the root problem. Little Tiger you had a different issue and an H who didn't do what he had to......

 

Lot of people can openly talk about sex but not about what they want or what they really need.

 

Here it is not so clear, and maybe he is just one big dolt about the whole thing. I guess it depends on who's side your on....

[jamesum]

If a man complained that his wife sucks in bed, how come no one would be telling him to divorce her?

[xxoo]

If a man complained that his wife sucks in bed, how come no one would be telling him to divorce her?

 

That happens here, too.

[LittleTiger]

well, as a man, the only thing that would stop me from having sex with my wife would be not being attracted physically to her anymore. Even then, I would still have sex with her, because she is my wife and her happiness in that department would be important to me. I think her husband is doing it out of duty. How can it be that he is not learning even a little bit? He is just not paying any attention because he is not interested. How can he be that clumsy in bed? I think the OP should just drop the bomb and question him about it...

 

Giotto, there are some men who are very clumsy in bed! Fortunately, I've only come across one or two and I think a lot of it is to do with confidence.

 

Sex may be a natural animal act but it certainly doesn't come naturally to everyone. Some women haven't got a clue either, no matter what their partner does or says.

 

It could be lack of physical attraction on both sides?

[LittleTiger]

I read it that she is more looking for an excuse or beating around the bush. She has said a lot but again seems to miss the root problem. Little Tiger you had a different issue and an H who didn't do what he had to......

 

Lot of people can openly talk about sex but not about what they want or what they really need.

 

Here it is not so clear, and maybe he is just one big dolt about the whole thing. I guess it depends on who's side your on....

 

Actually TDP, I think I'm on both sides .

 

It's very sad when a relationship reaches this point and the communication isn't good enough to sort things out.

 

My understanding is that the OPs situation is similar to the way my marriage was - at least in later years. She and her husband love each other and are good friends but the sexual side of their relationship isn't working - at least not for her.

 

I would never have ended my marriage, my husband was the one who walked, and I didn't know until after it was over that he was as unhappy with our sex life as I was. He had loads of chances to tell me but couldn't get the words out I guess! Very sad.

 

Maybe she is looking for an excuse to jump ship but that isn't how I read it. She seems torn to me - between a rock a hard place! I don't envy her.

[LittleTiger]

If a man complained that his wife sucks in bed, how come no one would be telling him to divorce her?

 

I don't think anyone is telling the OP to divorce her husband!

 

I said bad sex was a good reason to end 'a' marriage in some cases (not this one in particular) and that bad sex itself could bring about the demise of a marriage for all sorts of reasons.

 

I also don't think her husband necessarily 'sucks in bed', I just think they are incompatible. It may however be her perception that he sucks because he doesn't do it for her. No blame on either side really.

 

If it's my posts you're referring to then I think you've misunderstood me. I think the next step here is MC and sex therapy NOT divorce.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

It's been interesting to read everyone's input -- thanks to all who are contributing. To address some of the comments that have been expressed, yes, some of the coaching on technique has been helpful (he's not totally unteachable) but I still can't help but feel that there is something more inherently "off" in how we relate to each other sexually.

 

A couple of posters said it was about chemistry and one even remarked that it wasn't so much that he had trouble turning me on as he just turned me off. Both are good observations and potentially correct. I really don't seem to have trouble getting into "the mood," but that feeling often dissipates, which I don't think is normal if the sexual chemistry is good or if you are really attracted to someone.

 

One poster also mentioned that I seemed to be beating around the bush and that I still seem to be missing the root problem. And that is also a good observation -- in the past 2 years we have been discussing this issue, we have not identified any obvious causes for our situation. It's certainly not a health issue and it doesn't seem to be a communication issue.

 

I think what I am trying to elicit from the folks on this forum is at what point does one say "we've done all we can to try to address the issue and we simply have to chalk it up to bad sexual chemistry?"

 

And if it is decided that it is a chemistry issue, where does one go from there? How important is sexual intimacy to a marriage if everything else seems to be going well? Where does one prioritize sexual gratification in a marriage? Am I being shallow or shelfish in wanting (and even expecting) sexual satisfaction for myself?

 

I was intrigued to hear that Florence of Suburbia opted to stay in her marriage and accept the lack of sex as a trade off. How does one come to that decision? Are there regrets? Are there advantages of such an arrangement that have not been obvious to me?

 

I was equally intrigued by Little Tiger who said that the bad sex was a key factor in the break-up of her marriage. What were the other factors that contributed to the divorce and to what extent did the bad sex exacerbate the other issues? Are there regrets?

 

Anyway, again, thank you to all who are contributing. You have brought up some very salient points and I will consider them as I continue to work out this issue with my husband.

[crazycatlady]

It's been interesting to read everyone's input -- thanks to all who are contributing. To address some of the comments that have been expressed, yes, some of the coaching on technique has been helpful (he's not totally unteachable) but I still can't help but feel that there is something more inherently "off" in how we relate to each other sexually.

 

A couple of posters said it was about chemistry and one even remarked that it wasn't so much that he had trouble turning me on as he just turned me off. Both are good observations and potentially correct. I really don't seem to have trouble getting into "the mood," but that feeling often dissipates, which I don't think is normal if the sexual chemistry is good or if you are really attracted to someone.

 

One poster also mentioned that I seemed to be beating around the bush and that I still seem to be missing the root problem. And that is also a good observation -- in the past 2 years we have been discussing this issue, we have not identified any obvious causes for our situation. It's certainly not a health issue and it doesn't seem to be a communication issue.

 

I think what I am trying to elicit from the folks on this forum is at what point does one say "we've done all we can to try to address the issue and we simply have to chalk it up to bad sexual chemistry?"

 

And if it is decided that it is a chemistry issue, where does one go from there? How important is sexual intimacy to a marriage if everything else seems to be going well? Where does one prioritize sexual gratification in a marriage? Am I being shallow or shelfish in wanting (and even expecting) sexual satisfaction for myself?

 

I was intrigued to hear that Florence of Suburbia opted to stay in her marriage and accept the lack of sex as a trade off. How does one come to that decision? Are there regrets? Are there advantages of such an arrangement that have not been obvious to me?

 

I was equally intrigued by Little Tiger who said that the bad sex was a key factor in the break-up of her marriage. What were the other factors that contributed to the divorce and to what extent did the bad sex exacerbate the other issues? Are there regrets?

 

Anyway, again, thank you to all who are contributing. You have brought up some very salient points and I will consider them as I continue to work out this issue with my husband.

 

Answering the bolded part - this is MY opinion, mine alone, and not something I expect anyone else to go with....

 

Sex is a high priority for me. Lack of sex due to a medical reason is something I would make allowances for because there are many ways to make love. I'm not talking about that.....

 

We went through a stage where I felt we were very mismatched. Sex frankly sucked. I could tell you exactly when and how long everything was going to happen and last. Down to the last second. But I knew sex between us had been good, and sex at that point in time was a symptom of something wrong between us. We worked on the problem between us and the sex greatly improved and now I have to say its amazing and I can't get enough.

 

But when it was bad? I could be turned on and would become turned off when we started having sex. Because I knew exactly how and what would happen. And I knew there wouldn't be any attempt to please me - I've always been difficult to get off, but after having children it became almost impossible for him to manage. That was a turn off. A huge turn off. Some of it was his issues and some where mine and in general life was not good.

 

If things had not gotten better then no, we would not still be married. It was a rut and we were so far in there at the time I didn't know if it could have been saved. But fixing some of the issues between us helped us learn better to communicate without feelings being hurt about our sex life in the bedroom. Before we could talk about it, but I don't think we actually heard the other one. And so we got wrapped up in wanting OURS and forgetting the joy of also giving to the other.

 

I think that was one of the biggest things, I had to let go of my resentment about having to finish myself off afterwards, and started taking more pleasure into giving him pleasure because I loved him. In return he stopped being hurt by the fact that I was struggling to orgasm to him, and just did everything to make me getting myself off even better. Which in turn helped him learn my body even better. This wasn't an over night process. It was easily two years to get to where sex was really good. Which doesn't even compare to sex now about 4 years later when sex is fan-freaking-tasticly earth shattering.

 

But no, I wouldn't have stayed with him, however I also couldn't have said the rest of the marriage was great. During that time the marriage sucked. And the sex sucking just compounded the issue. Or helped make the marriage suck. But I know now that good sex really helps me feel happy and content. And I expect that in a long term lover.

 

CCL

[florence of suburbia]

I was intrigued to hear that Florence of Suburbia opted to stay in her marriage and accept the lack of sex as a trade off. How does one come to that decision? Are there regrets? Are there advantages of such an arrangement that have not been obvious to me?

 

We have kids ages 7 and 11, so that is the big reason I decided to stay. I don't necessarily feel the decision is permanent, but good enough for now. I also have a very active imagination, which keeps me occupied.

 

I will say that if he was insistent that we have sex, I don't know if I could stay. I actually find sex with him very emotionally upsetting and the last time we had any kind of physical contact, I cried (tried my best to hide it from him, but I think he noticed I was upset.)

 

I feel pretty attached to my husband as a family member, so it would be hard to leave. But I right now I feel that our life as a romantic couple is already over. Maybe I could be convinced otherwise, but it would take a tremendous amount of work. I don't know how long the marriage can subsist in that state.

Edited September 9, 2010 by florence of suburbia

[InceptorsRule]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. I love my husband very much and we are compatible in every aspect except in the bedroom.

 

OK but you knew you were sexually incompatible during the courtship phase but married him anyway. So you must have compromised. There's been a lot of talk about technique and this and that, but I haven't seen you explain what your reasoning was for getting married to a man who held little if any sexual attraction for you.

 

If he never turned you on in the first place, it's hardly realistic to expect that to change after ten years of the same thing.

 

Rather than pose the question as "Should I divorce my husband because he doesn't sexually satisfy me, after ten years of marriage?" it would be more fair to him to pose it as: "Should I divorce my husband because I made a mistake when I married him in the first place, because he never turned me on, and that hasn't changed?"

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I am not sexually excited by my husband -- and it's not that he is obese or has poor hygiene or anything like that. In fact, physically, he is quite handsome and I know he has very little trouble gaining attention from women (this doesn't bother me as I know he is unfailingly faithful and doesn't even notice when other women are hitting on him or checking him out).

 

 

Right. You are not sexually excited by him, because you never were. That obviously is not your husband's fault. He just doesn't do it for you. He never has. Frankly you're just not supposed to marry a person who doesn't turn you on sexually, if you expect sex to be an important part of the marriage.

 

 

The problem is that he doesn't seem to know how to turn me on.

 

I think this statement has to be wrong. Again it's not his fault that you lack a basic sexual attraction for him. He can't flip a switch that isn't there to "turn you on." Women who are strongly or even reasonably attracted to a man don't need the man to "do" anything to be able to express her attraction for the man. They are "turned on" just by being in the physical vicinity of the man that attracts them. His technique may be horrible but this is probably more a function of being in a long term sexually dysfunctional relationship with you. If he lacks technique it is an effect not a cause of the problem, which is that you married someone you are not very attracted to, sexually speaking.

 

 

We have discussed what are turn ons and what are turn offs. I've tried to guide him on what to do and how to do it, but he is either too rushed, or to gentle, or too hard, or too _________ (fill in the blank). He tries really hard but he just can't seem to read me or my reactions very well to know what to do, when, and how. This frustrates me since I don't want to have to continually provide instructions every moment as that takes away from my experience.

 

Very simply, nothing he does is going to help, because you are just not sexually attracted to him. Period. Why you insist on making this his "flaw" or his "fault" I can only attribute to your not wanting to be perceived as responsible for making the initial mistake of marrying him and then deciding that you need to divorce him.

 

While I sympathize with your general situation--a passionless marriage--I don't buy that your h is at fault here.

 

 

 

I find myself actually dreading his sexual advances now because I know that it will not be an enjoyable experience for me. I continue to accept his sexual advances because I want him to have his needs satisfied, but I want that same satisfaction for myself.

 

Well clearly you've cemented in place, at least in your own mind, that your h is the 100% "bad guy" in this situation. You really make him sound ugh horrible. Did it ever occur to you that's your totally subjective take on the matter and, in the same way that many other women find your h to be objectively very attractive, your h might not be quite so bad in the sack as you're implying?

 

 

 

 

 

We've tried other things to try to rekindle the intimacy in our relationship, including getting away on romantic vacations, date nights, sex toys, and other things. None of these really seem to be working, however.

 

You see your h is not an ogre, on the contrary, he sounds like he is doing everything possible to turn on your love light but that flame is out because it sounds like it was never lit up in the first place.

 

 

 

 

Like many women, as I have gotten older, I have become more sexually needy and I am now realizing how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage. Clearly, myself and my husband aren't sexually compatible, despite being right for each other in every other way.

 

Well let's be careful now. Clearly YOU are not attracted to him. But nothing you've stated indicates that HE is UNattracted by YOU. If there is sexual incompatibility in this relationship, it sounds like it's something of a one way street.

 

 

 

 

 

And I now feel like I have a tough choice to make:

 

1. To stay in this marriage and simply accept that the price to pay for his everlasting companionship is my sexual gratification,

 

OR

 

2. To end the marriage and find someone who can satisfy my sexual needs, while acknowledging that I may not find the same level of compatibility in other areas of my life with a new person as what I currently have with my husband.

 

I am torn and need some input to help me sort through this dilemma. What would you do?

 

 

I think this whole problem has nothing to do with your h's supposed lack of proper technique. It has everything to do with what is going on subjectively inside your head and why after ten years suddenly nothing your h does is satisfactory to you, and you're contemplating sex with other people.

 

In other words you need individual counseling/therapy to figure out why you married your h in the first place, why sex did not matter to you during all this time, why you have suddenly decided your marital sex is now unsatisfactory to the point of divorce/other men, why you have a need to make your h the "bad guy" in all of this (in the sense of his being "at fault" for YOUR lack of sexual satisfaction), and why you think divorce is going to help you address your personal issues.

 

Your h is an objectively attractive man who sounds like he is trying very hard to please you sexually and is a good man and husband in every other way, but that is not enough for you, and nothing he does is satisfactory. In fact he repels you, when there is absolutely no objective reason for you to feel repulsion.

 

It actually sounds like you already have the "mindset" of a wayward wife/cheating spouse even though apparently you haven't cheated yet.

 

Have you developed some kind of emotionally intimate relationship or friendship with another man and are perhaps engaging in a fantasy of how much better your sexual life would be with this "friend" if you were divorced and free to pursue it?

 

It sure sounds like you're a wife who basically has already emotionally left the marriage and is trying to heap as much of the blame for that as possible on the clueless husband.

 

Hope I'm wrong about that.

[florence of suburbia]

I agree with almost everything IR posted above.

 

IR, I would say that there are some women who have low sex drive in their twenties that increases when they hit their late 30s, early 40s. That happened to me. Logically, sex is not as important to someone with a low sex drive. Some women are very out of touch with how it would feel to feel strong lust towards a man. They simply have so rarely experienced it that it doesn't seem strange to not experience it with the prospective spouse. It feels like the status quo.

[InceptorsRule]

To answer your question, no the sex has never really been good, but I thought the other aspects of my relationship with him to be more important.

 

The bolded part is not too surprising. Many other marriages have a similar issue. But why is the blame for this directed at your h? You know you could have said "Gee there must be something wrong with me" and that would have been an equally valid conclusion. Or "something is wrong with US." Also equally valid. But your interpretation of your situation clearly makes it seem as if something is "wrong" with your h.

 

 

 

I'm starting to wonder now whether sex (and physical and emotional intimacy in general) is in fact THE most important aspect of a marriage given that you can have other deficiencies in a marriage satisfied through other relationships like friends, colleagues, mentors, etc., but you cannot seek sex or intimacy from these other relationships (at least based on the traditional definition of a marriage, anyway).

 

 

Ahhhh.....the little off handed parenthetical phrase....it's never just about the sex in these situations. It's about the inability of the partners to establish true emotional intimacy with each other. That blocks the ability to have a truly intimate sexual relationship. It never occurred to you that sex, physical, and emotional intimacy were very very important things to have in one's marriage? Interesting.

 

No, you don't need a divorce, and you don't need another "outlet" for sex such as some other man. You need individual therapy (your h probably does as well) + marital counseling.

 

I'll bet there are actually a huge number of other issues in your marriage related to a lack of intimacy which you haven't specified, although clearly you're making a couple of obvious hints here.

 

Rather than run away from this stuff, from your h, and your marriage, you might want to consider that you're at least 50% responsible for whatever lack of intimacy and resultant bad sex you've been going through all this time. If you don't address whatever your issues with intimacy and sex are, they will probably dog you through any future relationships as well.

[InceptorsRule]

I am in my mid-thirties.

 

I realize that no one is perfect. I don't expect perfection, and hence in the options I listed, I acknowledge that there is potentially a trade off to be made. My question is about whether the trade off I am considering is reasonable.

 

 

No your choice that you provided is not reasonable because you loaded the dice. The choices you gave were two: get divorced; or you would essentially stay in a loveless passionless marriage as your h's concubine. Obviously if those are the ONLY two choices most reasonable people would tell you yes go ahead get divorced.

 

There is another choice, that is for you to take responsibility for your choices and do everything possible to save the marriage. That would include for starters individual therapy for both of you (or only you if your h declines) plus marital counseling. And be willing to put at least a year or two of weekly sessions into it.

 

The fact that you seem to be pointing the finger for your lack of satisfaction almost entirely at your h, that you have already talked about the notion of having sex with another man, even though you haven't even filed for divorce yet, and providing such a "non choice" as you have, strongly suggests to me that yes you do have someone specific in mind as a replacement for your h. Maybe not as a reality, but at least as a fantasy.

 

You need to get such thoughts out of your head and terminate any inappropriate relationships if you want to save your m. Invest ALL of your emotional energy on your h and your m if you want to save it.

 

Women who start saying they are totally repulsed by their h's after ten years of M generally have "issues" of one kind or another with some kind of involvement with an OM who becomes their new "love focus." The OM is placed on the pedestal and the H is torn down, making it seem like divorce is the only realistic option.

[InceptorsRule]

@ Feelin' Frisky

 

I have discussed some of these other options with him and he is resolute in rejecting those other options. Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

 

OK so you've actually suggested swinging, open marriage, third parties/OM to him already? Good for him that he rejected those ideas.

 

You know the more I'm reading the worse and worse you're looking in this relationship.

 

If you've already suggested swinging etc. then that's a pretty strong indicator that you're actually in a relationship with an OM already. Or have someone in mind.

 

True? False?