Is bad sex enough of a reason to end a marriage?

[RockAndAHardPlace]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. I love my husband very much and we are compatible in every aspect except in the bedroom. Unfortunately, I am not sexually excited by my husband -- and it's not that he is obese or has poor hygiene or anything like that. In fact, physically, he is quite handsome and I know he has very little trouble gaining attention from women (this doesn't bother me as I know he is unfailingly faithful and doesn't even notice when other women are hitting on him or checking him out).

 

The problem is that he doesn't seem to know how to turn me on. We have discussed what are turn ons and what are turn offs. I've tried to guide him on what to do and how to do it, but he is either too rushed, or to gentle, or too hard, or too _________ (fill in the blank). He tries really hard but he just can't seem to read me or my reactions very well to know what to do, when, and how. This frustrates me since I don't want to have to continually provide instructions every moment as that takes away from my experience.

 

I find myself actually dreading his sexual advances now because I know that it will not be an enjoyable experience for me. I continue to accept his sexual advances because I want him to have his needs satisfied, but I want that same satisfaction for myself.

 

We've tried other things to try to rekindle the intimacy in our relationship, including getting away on romantic vacations, date nights, sex toys, and other things. None of these really seem to be working, however.

 

Like many women, as I have gotten older, I have become more sexually needy and I am now realizing how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage. Clearly, myself and my husband aren't sexually compatible, despite being right for each other in every other way. And I now feel like I have a tough choice to make:

 

1. To stay in this marriage and simply accept that the price to pay for his everlasting companionship is my sexual gratification,

 

OR

 

2. To end the marriage and find someone who can satisfy my sexual needs, while acknowledging that I may not find the same level of compatibility in other areas of my life with a new person as what I currently have with my husband.

 

I am torn and need some input to help me sort through this dilemma. What would you do?

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, truth be told, those are only two of other options. But perhaps you've already ruled those out i.e. open marriage, swinging, a third party. They used to prescribe LSD for this before it went illegal so that's out.

 

I guess you have a condrum on your hands--the security of companionship versus sexual fulfillment. It's a tough market and process to go it alone out there. There is sex therapy if both sides want to work it. Hope it's not too late. Good luck.

[finding_serenity]

how old are you? Girl, nobody's perfect but if he's good in every aspect except in bed, it's unwise to dump him.take it from someone who has a husband bad in almost all aspect.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

To answer your question, no the sex has never really been good, but I thought the other aspects of my relationship with him to be more important. I'm starting to wonder now whether sex (and physical and emotional intimacy in general) is in fact THE most important aspect of a marriage given that you can have other deficiencies in a marriage satisfied through other relationships like friends, colleagues, mentors, etc., but you cannot seek sex or intimacy from these other relationships (at least based on the traditional definition of a marriage, anyway).

[Plan 9 from OS]

Not in my book. If he is great for you in every way except for his ability to please you in the bedroom, then I think your best bet is to be patient and give him a tutorial. Evidently your more subtle ways are not working, and you need to put on a how to clinic. So what if it takes 6 months or one year of continual instruction. If he's great for you in every other way, then it's a small investment for happiness the rest of your life.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

I am in my mid-thirties.

 

I realize that no one is perfect. I don't expect perfection, and hence in the options I listed, I acknowledge that there is potentially a trade off to be made. My question is about whether the trade off I am considering is reasonable.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Its a good enough reason to end a marriage, if the issue is making you miserable. I mean, i've never been married, I don't really have a right to give marriage advice, but I have had a previous partner who stopped having sex with me for a while and the lack of sex for me was hell, even in the short term. I can't imagine what it would be like to have no sex, or bad sex in the long term.

 

The hard part is that you love this man and every single part of the marriage is right EXCEPT the sex. I think this is the case of most marriages. It seems you have already tried a lot, and I don't really know what more you can try other than what you already have. I can relate to the fact that having to explain or provide instructions is a real turn off; sex is 'hopefully' meant to be quite instinctive and spontaneous - you don't want to give them a list of bullet points, its just not sexy.

 

I think though that you are rooted in the habit of having bad sex. You expect bad sex, you have bad sex, you brood on the fact that the sex is bad and it goes on. Its commendable you have kept trying to sleep with him rather than cut him off, but things still aren't improving.

 

Do you think this issue could escalate to cause problems in your marriage on the whole?

[GorillaTheater]

I've tried to guide him on what to do and how to do it, but he is either too rushed, or to gentle, or too hard, or too _________ (fill in the blank). He tries really hard but he just can't seem to read me or my reactions very well to know what to do, when, and how. This frustrates me since I don't want to have to continually provide instructions every moment as that takes away from my experience.

 

Is it possible that your expectations are a little high? It sounds like "just right" is a little narrow in scope.

 

And my wife doesn't have any trouble saying "harder" or "slower" or "can I FINALLY get rid of the nurse's outfit" in the middle of things. Her wants, as may yours, vary with the moment. We certainly can't read your minds.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

@ Feelin' Frisky

 

I have discussed some of these other options with him and he is resolute in rejecting those other options. Thanks for the encouraging words.

[xxoo]

The problem is that he doesn't seem to know how to turn me on. We have discussed what are turn ons and what are turn offs. I've tried to guide him on what to do and how to do it, but he is either too rushed, or to gentle, or too hard, or too _________ (fill in the blank). He tries really hard but he just can't seem to read me or my reactions very well to know what to do, when, and how. This frustrates me since I don't want to have to continually provide instructions every moment as that takes away from my experience.

 

Do you mean "turn on" as in "make you in the mood for sex", or are you talking about reaching orgasm?

 

Either way, consider that it isn't his responsibility to turn you on. What if you took that into your own hands, quite literally? With him, while having sex or foreplay (without him, too, if you wish, of course).

[jwi71]

Sounds like you two are out of sync sexually. It happens.

It can also be fixed...with good communication. I would consider going to some counseling and addressing things there.

 

And if either you or he is unwilling you have a very simple choice.

 

Stay in the M and accept the "out of sync".

Leave the M (divorce).

 

Its only the end if you want it to be.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

@ Plan 9 from OS

 

Trust me that my cues are not subtle. We have had very frank and open discussions about this and continue to do so. I have provided him with feedback and tutorial on and off for the past 2 or so years, and we have recently been trying to continue to do this sort of communication with even more consistency and more frequency. Time will tell if this recent flurry of communication will help.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

@ XXOO

 

Interesting comments regarding it not being his responsibility to turn me on. I suppose I have never really thought of it as a responsibility and when I put your comments into the context of my relationship with my husband, I don't think either of us have ever really treated it as a responsibility either.

 

I have often found ways to turn myself on and also reach climax -- that's not the issue. But, for example, when I manage to turn myself on and seek my husband's participation, I sometimes find myself no longer turned on. He just seems to paw at me clumsily or slobber all over me or approach with the wrong rhythm or some other not-so-sexy movement. And this happens despite the coaching I give him.

 

I'm really at a loss.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

@ Gorilla Theatre

 

It is entirely possible my expectations are too high. I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

 

I am not saying I want perfection with every movement he makes during sex. What I am saying is that I want there to be some minimal level of natural or instinctive "tuning in" to my body and mind during sex. I have no trouble providing guidance when required, but there comes a point when that requirement for guidance becomes a distraction and a hinderance to sexual enjoyment.

[Feelin Frisky]

R&HP, perhaps you should take my advice in the "lazy sex" thread. (I won't repost here because I don't want to press my fortune with Tony.)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2981359&postcount=6

[WalkInThePark]

Could this be some passive-agressive thing? As if he is pissed at you for something and gets back at you by being negligent in the bedroom.

I am thinking about this because I had a bf in the past with who I had that feeling. He seemed "lazy" in bed, would just stroke or lick but in a way of "let's get it over with".

 

Or is he in general sloppy with things, like he can never do something right? Sometimes I have the feeling that how people are in the bedroom says a lot about who they are.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

R&HP, perhaps you should take my advice in the "lazy sex" thread. (I won't repost here because I don't want to press my fortune with Tony.)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2981359&postcount=6

 

Hilarious. I'm thinking that might be a "last resort" kind of solution.

[GorillaTheater]

@ Gorilla Theatre

 

It is entirely possible my expectations are too high. I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

 

I am not saying I want perfection with every movement he makes during sex. What I am saying is that I want there to be some minimal level of natural or instinctive "tuning in" to my body and mind during sex. I have no trouble providing guidance when required, but there comes a point when that requirement for guidance becomes a distraction and a hinderance to sexual enjoyment.

 

I understand what you're saying. Sex is supposed to be fun and strengthen emotional bonds, not be a chore.

 

Personally, I can't recommend ending a marriage until you've made every reasonable attempt to fix the problem(s). If therapy/counseling is an option for you (and it should be a preferable option to divorce), I'd make it clear that the future of the marriage may well rest on it being an option for him as well.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

Could this be some passive-agressive thing? As if he is pissed at you for something and gets back at you by being negligent in the bedroom.

I am thinking about this because I had a bf in the past with who I had that feeling. He seemed "lazy" in bed, would just stroke or lick but in a way of "let's get it over with".

 

Or is he in general sloppy with things, like he can never do something right? Sometimes I have the feeling that how people are in the bedroom says a lot about who they are.

 

To answer your questions, we are both very direct people. We hate passive-aggressiveness in others and we strive to avoid that sort of behavior in ourselves. So no, I don't think it has anything to do with him harboring a grudge of some sort that has manifested itself in the cycle of bad sex we've been experiencing.

 

Also, he is not generally a sloppy person. He's a neat freak, actually. But I have found that during yoga, for example, he has trouble isolating or activating the right muscle groups to maximize the benefits of the various poses. Or while dancing, he's entirely uncoordinated and has no rhythm.

 

I do think the fact that he's not as coordinated or in tune with his own body is a root cause of his inability to really understand or be in tune with my body.

[Feelin Frisky]

Het R&HP, welcome to LS btw. You came to the right place.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

I understand what you're saying. Sex is supposed to be fun and strengthen emotional bonds, not be a chore.

 

Personally, I can't recommend ending a marriage until you've made every reasonable attempt to fix the problem(s). If therapy/counseling is an option for you (and it should be a preferable option to divorce), I'd make it clear that the future of the marriage may well rest on it being an option for him as well.

 

Thanks for the insight, Gorilla Theater. I agree with you that I want to exhaust options for solutions before deciding on a divorce. I also feel that we have tried a lot already so in some ways, I'm wondering at what point can I say I've tried "enough"?

 

I have been seeing a therapist and she has been good in helping me to identify why exactly I am not sexually excited by my husband. She has also provided me with some of the ideas we have implemented to improve communication between us on the topic, while some of the other ideas have been our own or have been gleaned from research we've done individually.

 

We have not attended these therapy sessions together (I was also dealing with other issues that I didn't want my husband to be tied up in) and so perhaps the next reasonable step is to attend therapy together.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

Het R&HP, welcome to LS btw. You came to the right place.

 

Thanks for the welcome! I have indeed come to the right place -- I appreciate the responses that the folks on this forum are contributing.

[crazycatlady]

There is sex therapy for a reason.

 

Start simple. Start at the basics. Don't worry about the rest. And help him master something.

 

Begin with helping him discover how you love to be kissed, or want to be kissed. Make it fun and not a chore. Make it about exploring each other. Maybe while you are showing him how to wow you with a kiss, he's showing you how to make his you-know-what spring instantly to attention. Then move on to how you like to be touched on your breasts. When you enjoy something that is perfect react as you would and then go "see/hear/feel that? I am really loving this" and if he gets sloppy, or hasty etc ask him to go back to where you made that nice sound. Be frank and open but find a way to make it something to laugh about.

 

Might be very personal - but how much experience did you have before him?

 

I don't expect all my pleasure to come from my husband. I am always willing to lend a helping hand, and I give directions even now - and he does an awesome job on his own.

 

Sex is however very important to me. When its great, sure its no big deal, but when its bad....nothing seems to go right. Or maybe its nothing goes right including the sex at times. I don't know.

[Silly_Girl]

To answer your question, no the sex has never really been good, but I thought the other aspects of my relationship with him to be more important. I'm starting to wonder now whether sex (and physical and emotional intimacy in general) is in fact THE most important aspect of a marriage given that you can have other deficiencies in a marriage satisfied through other relationships like friends, colleagues, mentors, etc., but you cannot seek sex or intimacy from these other relationships (at least based on the traditional definition of a marriage, anyway).

 

VERY wise words....

[BellaBellaBella]

My BF suggested I reply to your thread. So here I go and this is not about me. My husband and I are not sexually compatiable. I begged him for years to step it up or change it up and he did not. It became for us a sexless marriage, I must reach out to him. While I could please my him, and experience joy in his pleasure I could achieve joy myself from him.

So I told him the truth, it makes me happy for you to achieve joy and I feel close to you when you do. I will take care of myself from here on out.

 

Years, ago when seeing a psychologist she told me men and women seldom achieve orgasm at the same time. That it is often a take turn situation. I can see that now. My husband being very open minded, suggested me taking a lover to find my satisfaction. I told him I couldn't do this without feelings and discovered polyamory. I do know I have room in my heart for more then one person. I told my husband, that I needed to have feelings with and he read about polyamory. He felt this was a reasonable solution for us.

 

Hence, I did sign up for a dating site. I was very open with everyone I would never leave my husband. Oddly, enough I did meet some interesting people. However, I fell in love with someone I had befriended.

There have been a few hiccups, my husband asked for certain boundaries.

I do respect them as does my BF. My BF and I needed to create a boundary as well.

 

My husband has only ever doubted his self once on here, that was when he was flamed for not having balls in the situation. He no longer reads love shack. He gets support when he needs it elsewhere. The first time he even expressed doubts on the situation was this evening. We had a horrible fight about an on going issue this weekend and I told him I was getting a Divicorce. This had to do with an issue in our marriage unrelated to BF. He felt vulerable tonight, as BF knew about the fight. He expressed fear and needed reassurance. BF needed some reassurance as well the situation wasn't changing.

 

I have also been in therapy and with a psychologist who has known me for years. She suggested a sex therapist.

 

So all in all tossing away a otherwise good marriage isn't an option for me.

 

BTW my BF likes your writing style better then mine...LOL

 

Good luck!