She broke NC via email... I answered.

[Lost Fish]

So, we broke up at the end of July. I went NC August 1.

 

The circumstances of the breakup were that she suddenly got weird and distant - I pressed her to find out what was going on and she threw the "I need a break" line at me. I went NC. Then 5 days later pushed her to define the break. She couldn't, so I told her how much she was hurting me and that I would need to vanish from her life. The next day I wrote her a long email telling her everything I needed to say and went NC. August 1.

 

This past Saturday she emailed me to essentially tell me:

1. She has been thinking about me a lot.

2. She feels like "the biggest b*tch in the world" for the way she treated me.

3. She misses me and hopes I'm ok.

4. She's very hesitant to contact me considering I haven't tried to contact her at all (duh).

 

So... it got my head and heart spinning again as these things do, and I wrote her back. I kept it very short and curt and told her:

 

1. I miss you too.

2. Of course I didn't contact you. I'm moving on.

3. Things are going pretty good actually, I hope you're finding happiness too.

4. I do think of you often, but I accept the way it is.

 

Poof. Sent.

 

That was last night. Now I'm sort of anxious about whether she'll reply. Wondering about her intentions - whether she was just checking in to see if I'm still hooked. Wondering about whether she left me for some dude and what is going on with him that might have made her reach out for me. Whether I'm her backup plan...ugh.

 

The other thing is that I am out and dating again and finding myself becoming interested in other women, which is a good sign. But I do have a long history with the ex and I know I probably shouldn't have answered her. I made a TON of progress in the 35 days of complete NC - and I'm still doing ok. But this message from her kind of set my head spinning a bit.

 

I know I shouldn't stand for the way things ended with us. But also looking back on things I can see where my own insecurities ruined the relationship and made it unhealthy. I have been working on myself in all facets - as part of my healing process... but still.

 

Breaking NC is a murky thing.

 

Thoughts? Comments? Hand-slaps for replying to her?

[confuzed1]

So, we broke up at the end of July. I went NC August 1.

 

The circumstances of the breakup were that she suddenly got weird and distant - I pressed her to find out what was going on and she threw the "I need a break" line at me. I went NC. Then 5 days later pushed her to define the break. She couldn't, so I told her how much she was hurting me and that I would need to vanish from her life. The next day I wrote her a long email telling her everything I needed to say and went NC. August 1.

 

This past Saturday she emailed me to essentially tell me:

1. She has been thinking about me a lot.

2. She feels like "the biggest b*tch in the world" for the way she treated me.

3. She misses me and hopes I'm ok.

4. She's very hesitant to contact me considering I haven't tried to contact her at all (duh).

 

So... it got my head and heart spinning again as these things do, and I wrote her back. I kept it very short and curt and told her:

 

1. I miss you too.

2. Of course I didn't contact you. I'm moving on.

3. Things are going pretty good actually, I hope you're finding happiness too.

4. I do think of you often, but I accept the way it is.

 

Poof. Sent.

 

That was last night. Now I'm sort of anxious about whether she'll reply. Wondering about her intentions - whether she was just checking in to see if I'm still hooked. Wondering about whether she left me for some dude and what is going on with him that might have made her reach out for me. Whether I'm her backup plan...ugh.

 

The other thing is that I am out and dating again and finding myself becoming interested in other women, which is a good sign. But I do have a long history with the ex and I know I probably shouldn't have answered her. I made a TON of progress in the 35 days of complete NC - and I'm still doing ok. But this message from her kind of set my head spinning a bit.

 

I know I shouldn't stand for the way things ended with us. But also looking back on things I can see where my own insecurities ruined the relationship and made it unhealthy. I have been working on myself in all facets - as part of my healing process... but still.

 

Breaking NC is a murky thing.

 

Thoughts? Comments? Hand-slaps for replying to her?

OKAY! Sounds like something I experienced myself. I was at her house, though, and things blew up...big time! "She said, "Get out!" See...we were in a LDR and I left and stayed the rest of the weekend with a buddy I knew. I felt bad afterward, knowing I said some crap I shouldn't had...and some I don't remember. Anyway, I left. I felt bad on the drive to the Bud's house. That night after a few drinks I tried calling but no response. I tried texting and emailing...nothing! Then, last week, I called again...just to say I hope she has a better, deserving life. SHe answered. We talked for 2 hours. I evn went to stay with her this past weekend. Then, BAM! She wants to be single. GEEZ! Today she calls my work leaving 58 text messages. From the simple "HI" to "Let me explain..." I think you will get a response, but I am to the point that the "playing games" doesn't roll with me. I hope you have better luck though. Obviously, you are still into her; otherwise, you wouldn't bother. I still think there's a chance. As with me...I think I am done!

[Don Ho]

Nah, no hand slap for replying to her. I would have said "I have been thinking about you" instead of "I miss you too" but that's ok. I think you made a good reply. Do not re-contact, wait for her. Big question is: what do YOU want to do with her and this situation Bro??

[Lost Fish]

Nah, no hand slap for replying to her. I would have said "I have been thinking about you" instead of "I miss you too" but that's ok. I think you made a good reply. Do not re-contact, wait for her. Big question is: what do YOU want to do with her and this situation Bro??

 

Ah Don Ho, I always appreciate your advice as it is definitely sound.

 

I really don't know what the end game is. Things were pretty serious. We know each other so well over the years we were friends and the year together.

 

July things really fell apart. I now look back and see that I had been losing her over the course of weeks and it really built up my own insecurity issues in which I became clingy and basically drove her interest level into the ground.

 

Now - I have been focusing on myself and my ability to be happy and content with myself, and that is helping a lot. It was a great victory when I finally realized I can still be my easygoing, happy, generally awesome self alone and without her.

 

I guess a reconciliation could be possible, but there are a lot of underlying issues that would have to be ground out - and honestly I don't know if she'd be willing to put in the work.

 

So - I have to be strong for myself. Grasp my own independence (I have been). Realize I'm awesome no matter what her deal is. If there is a round 2 of us, things have to be different. I have a spine this time and am not going to lose my self-respect.

 

I've also been doing some self-psych and got the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and have been working on my own deep seated problems.

 

For once I was selfish for myself simply by maintaining NC. I've also been selfish with myself and going against my niceguy instincts by being curt, but honest in my reply to her.

 

I wrote way too much here... but yes - I think a reconciliation could be possible. But also, I'm not holding my breath.

 

And I still feel some pain at losing her, but acceptance truly is still winning out. And it took some hard work to get to where I am right now. But it's good work.

[Lost Fish]

Anyway, I'm sure my reply has her head spinning a bit too. She might be shocked that I didn't validate her email with a massive reply detailing my faults and what I would do to get her back, lol. I made sure to keep it really short - 6 sentences total.

 

She hasn't replied and if she doesn't, well, then that's as far as it's gonna go for us. I'm not going to jump through any hoops to try and get her back. I'm done being that guy.

 

I'll update if she does reply though.

[Trovador]

That was something out of your control so stop feeling bad for responding her text...

 

I guess there is a time when you stop caring how long have you been in NC... it might have been a year or two after... it was 35 days and so what? You are a champ, man for holding so long... now, I don't see as if she is throwing herself to you with that message but in any case it is more important to acknowledge what's what you feel and what's what you want... if you really are moving on, don't give it a second thought to this occurrence... just have care with your ego, I know for sure that the path to recovery is best walked with a good dose of humbleness...

[Lost Fish]

OK, I said I'd give an update.

 

It's not much, but here's the latest -

 

3 days after my email she just texted me - "Heyy."

 

Bleh.

 

I ignored it. Not really good enough to elicit a response.

[Guitarjeff]

Don't ignore it, just wait three days and text her back, and say, what up? Why not see where she wants to take it? You said you might attempt to get back with her if you think she truly wants that. the "heyy" was an attempt to start a conversation, nothing wrong with that. Just don't talk about the relationship first. just answer her questions curtly and make her do all the revealing of anything first.

[Lost Fish]

Don't ignore it, just wait three days and text her back, and say, what up? Why not see where she wants to take it? You said you might attempt to get back with her if you think she truly wants that. the "heyy" was an attempt to start a conversation, nothing wrong with that. Just don't talk about the relationship first. just answer her questions curtly and make her do all the revealing of anything first.

 

Maybe. I don't know if she even would reveal things. And what if she reveals that she did cheat and she is in a new relationship? Then it would confirm that she is just using me as her backup plan and I know I'd be overwhelmed with frustration and resentment.

 

I also know that I am projecting negatively here, but ya know - my heart is just getting over the pain of the breakup.

 

Not sure if I should even answer considering this possibility. Hmmm.

[Lost Fish]

OK, so I finally wrote her a short email asking what's up?

 

I told her i was very surprised to see her name in my phone last week and that I hope she's doing alright.

 

Then I asked her what's going on, why are you contacting me?

I imagine she is going to try to follow my example and take her time to reply now... if at all. She might have just been reaching out for me to validate her, but I'm being honest and straightforward. No games. Straight out asking her what is her intention.

 

We'll see how this plays out.

[Am4Real]

OK, so I finally wrote her a short email asking what's up?

 

I told her i was very surprised to see her name in my phone last week and that I hope she's doing alright.

 

Then I asked her what's going on, why are you contacting me?

I imagine she is going to try to follow my example and take her time to reply now... if at all. She might have just been reaching out for me to validate her, but I'm being honest and straightforward. No games. Straight out asking her what is her intention.

 

We'll see how this plays out.

 

My friend,

 

Here are my thoughts for you:

 

1. Always know your own intentions before you reply to a DUMPERS communication, especially electronic communications. When you are not sure you put yourself in the quandary you are now experiencing.
    
   
2. The reason she contacted you is obvious to those impartial to the relationship; she did not explicitly say she thought you should revisit the past, give it another try or whatever, she was merely checking on you wondering why you have not tried to contact her, etc. You took the “emotional bait” and now are reliving the past.
   

 

So before writing any more electronic communications (the root of all miscommunications in relationships is my strong opinion), you asked for suggestions and I recommend this to you.

 

Imagine two scenarios, one where your EX decides they want to revisit the relationship and one that communicates something unspecific like “a lets be friends” message. Both situations should have well thought out responses in anticipation of their arrival so you’re not fighting yourself emotionally when one of these presumably arrives.

 

Bottom line, NO CONTACT was working well for you and this person broke your request without explaining the specifics of why – I would think it is because she is simply checking on you and seeing if you are still an option for her should she desire you or something else not work out or perhaps didn’t work out.

 

DonHo was right when he gave advice that words such as “I’m missing you” imply emotional dependency versus “I have thought of you on occasion” show indifference. It might be a play on words but if think about what you REALLY WANT NOW the words will come quite easy next time around.

 

Hope these opinions help you. Best wishes!

[Griffey]

any updates?

[lvixen]

For your own sake, ask her straight up if she wants to reconcile next time you two talk. It does sound to me like she's looking for you to validate her, for her own selfish gain (ego boost). If she wants to reconcile she will make it known, otherwise continue with NC and do not answer anymore of her emails or texts.

[Lost Fish]

For your own sake, ask her straight up if she wants to reconcile next time you two talk. It does sound to me like she's looking for you to validate her, for her own selfish gain (ego boost). If she wants to reconcile she will make it known, otherwise continue with NC and do not answer anymore of her emails or texts.

 

No new updates.

 

lvixen, I think you are correct. I haven't heard anything from her since I wrote her the other night. I am sort of amazed at the change in energy and emotion I felt in myself as soon as she did write me. Because I had been so focused on moving on and moving forward that in a way my mind had already closed that door - her breaking NC to more or less check in really set me reeling.

 

I do feel she will contact me again at some point. And maybe this time I should just maintain NC.

 

Finally let this bird go for good.

[Lost Fish]

Quick update:

 

She replied finally today and answered my question.

 

She essentially said that a lot is going on in her life but she misses me and misses talking to me. Then she ended the email with the dreaded "I don't know..."

 

So I replied short and sweet:

 

"lol ok... I don't know either then darlin. Let me know if you figure it out."

 

And back to NC.

 

In other news I have lined up not one but two (!) dates in the coming weeks. Both girls are aware that I'm just getting back out into the game so it's pretty casual, coffee, chats, nothing serious.

 

I also have lined up an audition for a paid singing gig that will keep me busy through the coming holidays.

 

My life is moving on, and it definitely appears that this is more or less just a check-in on her part. I sort of get the sense that whatever option she left me for has or is fizzling, and her guilt made her check in with me to see if I'm pining away for her, and if I will fight to keep her around/give her validation. But I'm not the one who should be doing the work here. She wanted the breakup and now she has it.

 

I want to thank you Am4Real for your advice about having a plan for whatever type of communication she may send. I sort of played out the various scenarios she might be playing here - the strongest that I guessed would be it was more or less just a feeler email to validate something for herself.

 

Either way, she definitely isn't fighting to keep me in her life, so I will now go back to NC. I also set my email to filter messages from her directly to a folder.

 

As I said in my last message and originally - I was doing well in my NC over the 35 days - but only because I had assumed things had played out with us. While there may not be a reconciliation, I know I'll be ok.

 

So - I'm going back to NC and going to continue focusing on myself and improving my life. I don't know why, but right now I'm actually feeling a bit of pride. I've reconnected to my own strength and independence - and it also helps that I'm getting interest from other women...lol.

 

Life goes on...

Edited September 17, 2010 by Lost Fish
grammar / syntax

[Sheppy99]

I am going through a very similar situation as you. I feel like I pushed my ex away too with insecurities but when you have a feeling that your gf isn't feeling the relationship as much as you are, it's hard not to do that. When you become invested into something and open yourself up, you become super vulnerable and even the most secure person can start acting like a needy clingy mess. You can't think too much that you were the problem though, there were issues that would have lead you to feeling that way which mainly would of came from her. If she wasn't feeling the relationship as much as you like mine did, you need to move on.

 

It sounds like the NC is definitely making her miss you which is a good sign but if she can't come to you with answers to your questions that I'm sure you have many of and concrete reasons if she was willing to reconcile of why it would be different this time around and what has changed within her to make her realize her mistake, than keep on doing what you're doing.

 

I went through almost to a T the same thing you did. Going great, she started getting distant, I started trying to pull more which in turn pushed her away. Don't torture yourself and say "If I hadn't of pressured her this wouldn't of happened" You would of never had that feeling in the first place if it was a healthy relationship where both parties were happy.

 

It's been since last week of aug that we broke up and a week in I caved and said I'd be friends but within a day or 2 regained my strength and told her I needed my NC back. It's almost 2 weeks later and she's starting to do some weird things to try and get my attention to contact her. Be strong.

 

Like I said, nothing short of I want to reconcile and here are how this time is going to be different and me believing her and her reasoning would get her back into my life. In other words, it would take a lot.

 

That's my advice anyways. Good luck!

[Banega100]

Quick update:

 

She replied finally today and answered my question.

 

She essentially said that a lot is going on in her life but she misses me and misses talking to me. Then she ended the email with the dreaded "I don't know..."

 

So I replied short and sweet:

 

"lol ok... I don't know either then darlin. Let me know if you figure it out."

 

And back to NC.

 

I think that's a pretty top drawer response from you. Keep at it man.

[Lost Fish]

I am going through a very similar situation as you. I feel like I pushed my ex away too with insecurities but when you have a feeling that your gf isn't feeling the relationship as much as you are, it's hard not to do that. When you become invested into something and open yourself up, you become super vulnerable and even the most secure person can start acting like a needy clingy mess. You can't think too much that you were the problem though, there were issues that would have lead you to feeling that way which mainly would of came from her.

 

Good stuff Sheppy99. It was so hard and stressful that last month. I definitely became weak and clingy/accusatory because I KNEW something wasn't right. I became so far from the person a normally am - and I did blame myself for a lot of it. So it's good to hear you say this - their own weirdness draw out our insecure behavior. And we get that way because we DID take the risk to completely open our hearts and take the risk of real love.

 

And we're better people for it.

[Lost Fish]

I think that's a pretty top drawer response from you. Keep at it man.

 

Haha, thanks Banega100.

 

The good (sad) fact is that I AM getting over her. I'm sort of at that point where I really am starting to feel good about who I am - and not full of regret.

 

The odd thing is that now that this change has started to become realized in me (that I'm ok without her), she magically starts checking in on me.

 

It's like - where were you in the past month + when I was feeling sh*tty? Oh, probably playing some other sorry bastard. More power to you both cause I'll be just fine.

 

And it does sound a bit a**holish - but the way she coldly cut me out of her life was pretty a**holish too.

 

So I'm allowed to give her a bit of attitude back. For once I'm taking care of myself and having a spine again. And it's pretty empowering.

[Sheppy99]

Good stuff Sheppy99. It was so hard and stressful that last month. I definitely became weak and clingy/accusatory because I KNEW something wasn't right. I became so far from the person a normally am - and I did blame myself for a lot of it. So it's good to hear you say this - their own weirdness draw out our insecure behavior. And we get that way because we DID take the risk to completely open our hearts and take the risk of real love.

 

And we're better people for it.

 

Exactly you said it perfectly.

 

I mean during the beginning of me hanging out with my ex. I purposefully didn't allow myself to get attached to her cause I seen her as the type that may have commitment issues. Than one night she started drunk bbm'ing me very upset out of no where saying how she wished I cared about her more blah blah blah. I really sat down with myself and said ok I'm at a crossroads, either I move on or I open up to her. So I opened up to her and really fell for her. Unfortunately my initial observation was correct and she does have some serious commitment issues. I told her I was falling for her and that literally was when it started to turn in our relationship. She I think began to feel trapped and not as "free" as she normally did so her attitude towards the relationship changed and I felt it which caused my to act as she put it "clingy" which is why she said she ended it.

 

But I mean I look back on it and realize that I am not a clingy person, far from it. I just opened up myself up like you did to a person who wasn't ready for it.

 

I mean I've had all the thoughts in the world cross my mind during the NC. But at the end of the day I can't make her be ready for a commitment. She still wants to be able to party whenever she wants. I'm far past that in my life and don't want that lifestyle anymore.

 

The NC is making her do lots of strange things at work to try and gain my attention and I know that's because she's missing me but so be it. Don't give them the luxury of having you as a "friend" so they can have the best of both worlds. It's all or nothing in my mind.

 

That's what she was trying to do to me, keep me as a "friend" so when she wants to commit, I'll still be waiting there. Very very selfish. Don't fall into that trap.

 

Use this as motivation to do the things you didn't have time to do when you were in a relationship like joining a gym or whatever else. That's what I did. I joined a gym and anytime I'm feeling down and nothing to do, I go to the gym and am looking better and feeling better about myself which is probably also pissing her off, haha.

[Am4Real]

 

That's what she was trying to do to me, keep me as a "friend" so when she wants to commit, I'll still be waiting there. Very very selfish. Don't fall into that trap.

 

Use this as motivation to do the things you didn't have time to do when you were in a relationship like joining a gym or whatever else. That's what I did. I joined a gym and anytime I'm feeling down and nothing to do, I go to the gym and am looking better and feeling better about myself which is probably also pissing her off, haha.

 

Very well said!!