need some perspective!

[LittleTiger]

No, I shouldn't have to.

 

Because you can't.

[LittleTiger]

No, I can, but to argue with something that you consciously know is inviable.

 

You clearly haven't read any of my threads Bitterman and you don't know my story, so stop pretending you do.

 

By the way, this is a threadjack and it's not allowed.

 

My apologies OP.

 

I'm not sure that my comments have helped you at all but I hope you manage to sort this situation with your husband.

 

When you have the financial means, I would also recommend you get into IC to help with your self esteem issues.

 

Good luck.

[BB07]

controlledchaosm, I'm so sorry for what you are going through and it sounds like you are a very difficult situation. You clearly have been the victim of abuse and are still being bullied by your husband. Please try to find some support for abuse and try to find yourself some free legal help so that you can start to move forward and out from under this mans surveillance of you. He has left your home, so he has no right to do this to you and I'm afraid that it is a tactic to use against you to try to get him out of paying child support to you.

 

Also please ignore the posters who are only harping on your alleged infertility, I don't think they have a understanding of what abuse does to a person and I hope you see that some of them have an agenda other than to help you. Maybe you would be able to get more help and support at an abuse board than you would here.

 

Please take care of yourself and your children and do guard against your husband getting things he can twist and use against you.

Hugs..........

[controlledchaos]

don't worry i'm ok ;-) i really am used to the bitterman's tone. it's not a problem at all. i wanted perspectives, differing if i could. his is 'give the man a divorce and leave him in peace,' that is our current path.

 

there are two sides to every story. so true. when i tell people for the first time what has been going on in my life, MY BAD CHOICES included. they are all shocked and scared for me. even friends that had completely sided with my stbx, saw him acting the way he did and told him they couldn't support him and his choices anymore.

 

i know i hurt him. he says i didn't but, i know i did. and he has crushed me. i would like for us to be cordial. to be able to work together for the sake of our 5 children. i just hope in time that happens.

 

thank you, all.

 

 

OP, please don't believe what this man is saying.

 

You may have something to be sorry for, there are always two sides to a story, but from what you've said you are the injured party.

[jnj express]

Even if you committed the most horrible of infidelities----you are not to be/never to be subjected to physical abuse-----emotional abuse does come with the territory---but even that needs to have limits

 

Since your H., does not want to continue the mge., there is no reason for him to continue the spying, and investigation into what you do----that needs to be addressed----you are seperated, getting a divorce----so the contact for the 2 of you should only be based on the children

[Dazzel]

Bitterman, you claimed that the OP was cheating all along. She did not have any sort of affair until AFTER her husband told her that he wanted her to leave. That's like taking off a leash and setting her free to do what she wants. It's her right. And she had nothing more than a typed relationship. No sex involved. I think it was more emotional support than looking for a new partner.

Now, if you will go back and quote where she said she was having affairs BEFORE they he told her to fly the coop, I'd be more than happy to believe you.

I read it thoroughly myself and did not see where she stated that she cheated beforehand. No one will believe you until you supply evidence. You make it sound lik you know this women. Heck, you another one sent to spy on her?

He's been 'cheating' her all along by not meeting her sex needs and having fun with women on TV instead. I have nothing against porn use during marriage, but that's taking it to a level of neglect.

 

But if you are berrating her for having a simply email "affair" with someone AFTER he told her to leave, that is insane. That's technically not cheating. And HOW can you overlook everything that her husband has done to her? All the verbal abuse and the spying. The harassment.

 

 

I'm convinced entirely you are a troll. No one can have such messed up priorities truthfully. Unless, which it does seem like, you are a sexist chauvanist. Sounds like you are entirely blameful of women likely due to a past incident.

[LittleTiger]

I'm convinced entirely you are a troll. No one can have such messed up priorities truthfully. Unless, which it does seem like, you are a sexist chauvanist. Sounds like you are entirely blameful of women likely due to a past incident.

 

Starting to think that myself Dazzel!

 

He can throw all the insults he likes at me, I can take it (although I'm considering suing for defamation of character ).

 

But the OP is in such a vulnerable situation, she is taking what he says on board and that really worries me.

[Dazzel]

Oh please, if you don't like my perspective then good for you. I'm sorry but after what i've been through, I don't fogive easily and if you decide to be ignorant to other people's opinions because they don't hand out "i'm feel sorry for you" cards then don't bother to respond to me. I will continue to stand by my viewpoint and nothing you say will turn me otherwise.

 

It's not a viewpoint. You are saying she was cheating on her husband BEFORE he gave her the get go to see other people. This in incorrect facts. You are pulling that out of nowhere. Prove what you say. No one will believe you otherwise. And don't back yourself up by saying it's an opinion when it's a true wrong.

 

No one is saying you have to feel sorry for her. I wouldn't even want your pity. I'm just irritated that you are throwing false accusations at the original posterand not backing your facts up. I don't know why you even insist she was wrong in the first place. Seems like you're just trying to be mean.

 

Do you think it's right to threaten someone who cheated? You disregard the gun and spying. And I am sure you will evade the most imporant points like you have done in your previous posts.

 

It would be best if you not troll. You don't need to feel sorry for the TC as stated by me earlier, but it's not nice to come here with vindictive intentions when she is clearly upset about this.

Edited September 11, 2010 by Dazzel

[controlledchaos]

right bitterman, we are. but, we were headed in that direction prior to ANY of this taking place. that was our path before i ever spoke to anyone, and we derailed it with all the spying and his needing to find me doing something wrong.

 

he told me to go. i was leaving. we were going to do our 1 yr separation and then one of us would file. HE changed the game plan. HE changed the path.

 

he wanted me to leave, but wouldn't let me go.

 

he is still spying on me. and we're 7 months into our separation. we don't live together. i do not contact him. we interact because of our kids, that's all. i am nice to him. i am ALWAYS nice to him. but, there is no reason to spy anymore. there is no one. and he knows that. he knows because of all of his spying!

 

i do believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion. even if we don't like their opinion, we each get one :-) that is the only reason i even posted here. i haven't had a single other person tell me i deserved to be spied on and tracked the way i was. just you. i have accepted it as part of my life. i am not sure it will end even after we are divorced. but, like i said, i know what i've done and i know what i haven't done. if he's trying to catch me doing something or build a case against me, he can try. it will be hard when nothing is going on.......

 

i will ask you one question, and then i think this thread can be put to rest :-)

if your wife told you she didn't love you, didn't want to be married to you anymore and that you should take your child and leave.... would you stay or would you go? and if you went, what would you do then?

[controlledchaos]

thanks for your supporting post :-) much appreciated!

however, in my experience he's not being mean. well, if this is his level of mean it doesn't phase me at all. it really is all good.

 

i don't want or need anyone feeling sorry for me. i also hit a point several months ago where i realized i didn't care if people believed me or not. even friends. i don't dance around the truth. i don't sugar coat it or rewrite it. it is what it is, and i own every single minute of it.

 

i was second guessing our path when i posted this. such is the cycle of dealing with abusers. there have to be periods of calm so that the storm can slam into out of no where....... i do continue to hope that during every calm period in my relationship with him that things have changed. only time will tell.......

 

thanks!

 

 

 

No one is saying you have to feel sorry for her. I wouldn't even want your pity. I'm just irritated that you are throwing false accusations at the original posterand not backing your facts up. I don't know why you even insist she was wrong in the first place. Seems like you're just trying to be mean.

 

It would be best if you not troll. You don't need to feel sorry for the TC as stated by me earlier, but it's not nice to come here with vindictive intentions when she is clearly upset about this.

[controlledchaos]

right, but that was after the affair. after you confronted her, yes?

 

i'm talking BEFORE all that. BEFORE she had even met someone. she tells you she DOESN"T love you. DOESN"T want to be married anymore. take your child and LEAVE. your marriage is a sham.

 

what would you do?? how would you feel??

 

that's what i would like to hear...... please :-)

[LittleTiger]

Glad to see you back with a bit of fight in you controlledchaos.

 

Your situation is tough. All of us on here (except Bitterman) are on your side and I'm pleased you can see that now.

 

You've done nothing wrong and your husband is just a bully who needs to get help for his 'issues'.

 

I do hope you are able to sort the spying situation. You cannot and should not have to put up with that, whether you are still married to this man or not.

 

Allowing your husband into your house also seems a bit risky to me but you know him better than we do. Just make sure that you and your children stay safe.

[ArcaneLady]

Here's what I read: Her ex husband ACCUSED her of having an "emotional affair". What the heck is an "emotional affair" anyway? Her marriage was OVER. Her ex husband agreed to it. She did. not. cheat. on. him. She did NOT have an affair with anyone, her ex husband ACCUSED her of it, and she apologised because let me tell you now, that's what abused spouses do - they will admit to things that they didn't do because they're told often enough that everything is their fault. controlledchaos, next time you speak to your ex you need to be very strong and determined, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he agreed to end the marriage. No affair took place, he's merely trying to shift the blame on you and make YOU into the guilty party because of his control issues. He can try using the phrase "emotional affair" to try and make something negative out of things... but let him know that label ain't going to stick. You have to him that if he doesn't stop spying on you, you WILL involve the police, because what he's doing is illegal and very, very wrong. He didn't want you, and now he won't let you go? He's threatened you with violence, and he hasn't even THOUGHT about his kids in all of this? Be very controlled and determined in your response, let him know that his behaviour stops now and you will tolerate it no longer. There are consequences if he does. You will not tolerate his spying, his threatening, his abuse or anything from him ever again. You are done. And it will stop now. Bitterman, you have been hurt by your ex wife, and that is terribly sad. If she had an affair and your son was a witness, that was so very, very, wrong. But you are projecting something that just isn't there - this couple is not splitting up because she cheated on him in their marriage. He was the one who had pretty much left it already; she called him out on it, and he agreed. Her ex husband is a man with many many serious negative issues, and you cannot take your frustration out on people when their situation is nothing like yours. Sorry for the hijacking there, but you're in the wrong boat this time.

Edited September 13, 2010 by ArcaneLady

[controlledchaos]

there is a touch of fight in me from time to time ;-)

i was taught NOT to fight back, so, it's not really natural for me. and i guess it too cycles. i have periods where i'm confident and sure of myself and my path. and then times when i doubt and second guess myself with every decision.

 

part of emotional and verbal abuse is tearing a person down so far that they stop trusting themselves or their own ability to make good and safe choices. as an abused person they have been taught that they cannot trust themselves. that they don't know what they really want or how they really feel. so, it's all a big learning process.

 

as for him being in the house. most people don't want him in the house. and i have days where it's very hard being in the same space as he is. when that happens i just go to another room. but for now, this is the way it is. i am starting a support group at the end of the month. that group might give me the strength to change my current living situation, but as for right now i am just not strong enough to escalate anything in that regard.

 

thank you for your support!

 

Glad to see you back with a bit of fight in you controlledchaos.

 

Your situation is tough. All of us on here (except Bitterman) are on your side and I'm pleased you can see that now.

 

You've done nothing wrong and your husband is just a bully who needs to get help for his 'issues'.

 

I do hope you are able to sort the spying situation. You cannot and should not have to put up with that, whether you are still married to this man or not.

 

Allowing your husband into your house also seems a bit risky to me but you know him better than we do. Just make sure that you and your children stay safe.

[controlledchaos]

this is what i tried to do. for 7 years i tried to fight as hard as i could for my marriage. the first time we had the "do you love me/ want to stay married" conversation was in 2003. we had been married 3 years. i told him i felt as though he simply tolerated me being in his life. he didn't seem to enjoy being married or being a father. like he could take it or leave it kind of deal. his response? he just stared at me. said absolutely nothing. here i was telling him how i was feeling and he just stared. that happened again about 2 yrs later, and then again in 2007. the words and conversations were different but, the gist was there. that something was wrong and we needed to fix it. but, he would never respond.

 

things might get better for a period of time. but, his feelings towards me never seemed to change. and as the years went by they seemed to lessen and lessen, to the point of almost nothingness. he worked hard, yes. and i always appreciated it. but, he didn't work the insane hours FOR us, or because that's what he had to do to make ends meet. or even because his boss expected it. he choose to work those hours. and i still supported him and his work ethic.

 

so, this time when he actually responded that he "didn't know." i was surprised. it had always been no comment, or a blank stare. i wasn't expecting the " take the kids and leave" the following week. but, when it came to me it was the closing of a chapter. i had been trying to save a sinking marriage by myself for years. there wasn't anything to save, but i loved him so much that i was willing to keep trying. until he said "go." i think that was it for me.

 

i gave him 15 yrs of my life. i gave him 5 amazing children. i loved him and supported him with every single fiber of my being. i would have done ANYTHING for him. anything. but, there was nothing more for me to do.

 

you want to know how all this spying and affair stuff started? he found pics of me on my laptop that i had taken for him and offered to him several weeks after the " take the kids and leave" conversation. in an effort to fight for us, that a friend suggested. his response to my offer, was that he wasn't interested and pics of me were not "necessary." that's when the first keylogger was installed. and the rest was history.

 

I would fight for her, as long as her decision wasn't based on being with someone else, but yes, I would fight for her with all my heart. I would feel sad if she told me that.

[Yo quiero Taco Bell]

Something doesn't compute here: You put pics of yourself on your computer and HE puts a keylogger on your computer? What's he gonna log?

 

I bet there's more to the story b/c actually making the decision to put something like that on your spouse's computer is a BIG decision. It's really an admission that honesty has broken down to the point where an outside sense of objectivity is needed to find the truth.

 

 

Smells fishy to me, like fish tacos on a hot day in LA.

[You Go Girl]

Something doesn't compute here: You put pics of yourself on your computer and HE puts a keylogger on your computer? What's he gonna log?

 

I bet there's more to the story b/c actually making the decision to put something like that on your spouse's computer is a BIG decision. It's really an admission that honesty has broken down to the point where an outside sense of objectivity is needed to find the truth.

 

 

Smells fishy to me, like fish tacos on a hot day in LA.

 

This woman, the OP, speaks with complete open honesty. To accuse her of otherwise isn't right. If you had read her thread carefully, you would see this.

I don't understand this man. But I have known this type a little myself. There is an inherent lack of trust with people, regardless of who they are. Perhaps, that she was capable of taking racy pictures of herself, set off some red flag in his imagination, and he considered that if she could do it for him, she might do it for others.

There is a probable personality flaw in this man that has such low self-esteem that when his WIFE takes racy pictures for her HUSBAND, ie, him! he then assumes that she is capable of doing this for others, and then his imagination tells him that that is factual.

It's a sad prognosis.

 

OP, I am so sad for you. You have made it very clear that you would do ANYTHING to get this man to see that you love him, but he has rejected that, as if he doesn't believe he can truly be loved. That, is too big for you to fix.

The only question I have left is: Have you told him that it has always been him, and only him, that you have loved? Maybe, he is so thick-skulled, especially coupled with such low self-esteem, that the father of your five children doesn't see that it was all for him, all for YOU, YOU being the two of you, not you alone, you being the family.

Five kids...such an investment on both your parts...is he really that daft? And if he is, then you need to grab him, and tell him, it has only been about US, and OUR FAMILY, ALWAYS.

I had a glass of wine. Excuse me if I am being silly. He has shown such extreme disregard for intimacy that I can't excuse it in any way, but I am sitting here listening to a song of failure of love and it is affecting me.

[trippi1432]

CC - I admire your stamina and your stand actually. I just opened my Cosmo tonight to the section "How not to marry the wrong man"...had a few posters on your thread noted as the type of man to avoid.

 

I do wish that other posters from experience would post to your thread....you have worked to try and make a safe environment for yourself and your children...no one...No MAN or anyone else should invalidate that.

[trippi1432]

BTW - CC, there is a really nice feature on LS available to everyone...two actually...it's called ALERT on the threads...and there is also the IGNORE feature...that comes in handy.

[controlledchaos]

it's situation like these that make me very weary and suspicious..... new poster, posts to my thread first, and within the user name, the post itself, and the signature, there are things that make me go "hmmmm."

 

my daughter told me that he told her he "knows everything," the other day. so, i'm sure he's still watching me. reading this and everything else i write...........

 

as for the pics. i told him they were for him. i did end up sharing them after he rejected them. not out of spite or anything like that. but, more along the lines of " i took pics and my H doesn't want them. and i'm feeling very sad and rejected by this." i sent a couple out via email and posted some on a message board i belong to ( we'd all done this from time to time, and i've been on this board since 2003, it's happened several times in the 7 years. he's even seen the threads about it in the past). he knew all my email info so he had found the message and had that window up. he didn't know my message board info and i don't even know if he looked there or not. oh and they were not racy or private in the least bit. not even a little. and they were completely NON identifying.

 

i had told him a million times that he was the only one i wanted. that i couldn't see myself with someone else. i meant that. every word of it. but i think that i had hit a point where i just didn't know what else to do anymore. our marriage wasn't a marriage. i don't know what it was. it was me putting on a show for everyone around us.

 

i would walk out in public and random strangers would look at me and tell me to smile. i don't smile anymore. my life was so far from where i thought it would be or where i wanted it to be. and the man i was married to just kept telling me it was my problem, my issue, i needed to suck it up and deal with it. that if i was smarter things wouldn't be this way. i had NO CLUE what i was supposed to do anymore....... i hated the idea of giving up. hated it!! that's why i never would in the past. but, how much longer was this going to go on?

 

we went to 2 sessions of marriage counseling this past spring (after separating). and during the second session he read, to the counselor and me, a letter that basically explained all the reasons i suck as a human being. it took him one hour to read through. i mean, i look at myself when i hear him talk to me and all i see is this absolutely horrible, awful, stupid person..... his whole family is uber smart and they all went for extra degrees after college. i got my degree in nursing. i never felt compelled for more than that because i never wanted to teach. but, they used to tease me that i "dropped out of school" because i didn't get at least my masters degree...... i just could not measure up in their minds, or in his mind.

 

i'd ask him what i could do to change and make things better, he'd say " nothing, you're doing it fine." i asked him to give me a list of his IDEAL wife and his IDEAL marriage, not with me necessarily but what his ideal would be if he could choose it. he told me there really wasn't any point to that. so, yeah, i really don't know.

 

thanks trippi! most days i feel like i just barely make it out alive. but, i do! and then i just face the next day head on!

 

anywhoooo!! it's late. i gotta sleep, so i can get up and teach my kids with my brain that apparently is just not smart enough LOL

[Yo quiero Taco Bell]

This woman, the OP, speaks with complete open honesty. To accuse her of otherwise isn't right. If you had read her thread carefully, you would see this.

I don't understand this man. But I have known this type a little myself. There is an inherent lack of trust with people, regardless of who they are. Perhaps, that she was capable of taking racy pictures of herself, set off some red flag in his imagination, and he considered that if she could do it for him, she might do it for others.

/QUOTE]

 

first, you both need to make a run for the border and take a break from the story tellin'. Ha.

 

1.) The thread duz knot reed like this poor man child has an issue trusting others until maybe she gave him wun

 

2.) 'complete open honesty' on the internet. say what? the truth is all relative to what you can convince yourself of and live with. You're telling her what's inside hiz hed causing him to make generally irrational actions portrayed for us on dis heer site? Sa weet

 

And now, some refried beans fer both er ya:

 

a.) if hiz see'in emailz was the first he knew the pics actually existed, then that's 'almost' cause enough to be concerned

 

b.) nothing is truly anonymous on dis here ting called da indernet. nuttin'. so her point about no one knowing and all that. complete BS. ah, the naive things we do. when yer in a relationship 'ya don't post crap online or send through email with first a thumbs-up from the partner. not sayin' hay lookee her wut I just did. Did that happen here? seems not.

 

c.) share yer pics so that ... what? ya feel good? yeah. will 'ya send me some? you'll feel better in the morning. I promise. exploit yourself? geesh, again no cause for concern

 

d.) so, thissy here keylogger, what did it end up logging? Nothin' or sumthin? they're so dang popular 'cause day werk and level the playing field of secrets and dishonesty.

 

you can lie or tell the truth, we'll never really know, just make sure you honestly disclose it here

 

e.) she sed sumthin about her youngest saying he told her that daddy knows everything? sus suh say what? Are we to believe this man child openly shares these sort of things with his child? Do you know this type of man too? who IS he? weirdo it sounds like.

 

 

Now I have 2 posts Hi-5.

 

L8r.

[LittleTiger]

Yo quiero Taco Bell - Everything the OP did that her husband objects to was done AFTER they split up, therefore he has no say in what she does, on the internet or anywhere else.

 

.........and if you're posting here just to boost your 'post' numbers (2, wow, you're doing well!) I suggest you go find a different thread to do it on, because you are way off base here.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Yo quiero Taco Bell

 

I really don't mean to come across as some of "prick" or a "prude", but have you ever though about going back to school and learning to spell the the right way? I'm mean come on here, your post looks like something that my Son could write out properly, word for word and correct spelling. I'm not saying your a bad guy or anything, just it would be nice in the future if you could use proper grammar and spell things out, as so that the common human being can understand it!

 

My 2 Cents.......

[jnj express]

Hey Controlled

 

You have to hang in----you get one trip thru life----DO NOT LET YOUR H. WRECK IT FOR YOU

 

If its over its over--- he has no right to be abusing you as he is----It is time for you to get a R. O. and keep him away from you----he is causing you nothing but mental and emotional problems----IT IS TIME FOR ALL OF THIS TO COME TO AN END

[You Go Girl]

This woman, the OP, speaks with complete open honesty. To accuse her of otherwise isn't right. If you had read her thread carefully, you would see this.

I don't understand this man. But I have known this type a little myself. There is an inherent lack of trust with people, regardless of who they are. Perhaps, that she was capable of taking racy pictures of herself, set off some red flag in his imagination, and he considered that if she could do it for him, she might do it for others.

/QUOTE]

 

first, you both need to make a run for the border and take a break from the story tellin'. Ha.

 

1.) The thread duz knot reed like this poor man child has an issue trusting others until maybe she gave him wun

 

2.) 'complete open honesty' on the internet. say what? the truth is all relative to what you can convince yourself of and live with. You're telling her what's inside hiz hed causing him to make generally irrational actions portrayed for us on dis heer site? Sa weet

 

And now, some refried beans fer both er ya:

 

a.) if hiz see'in emailz was the first he knew the pics actually existed, then that's 'almost' cause enough to be concerned

 

b.) nothing is truly anonymous on dis here ting called da indernet. nuttin'. so her point about no one knowing and all that. complete BS. ah, the naive things we do. when yer in a relationship 'ya don't post crap online or send through email with first a thumbs-up from the partner. not sayin' hay lookee her wut I just did. Did that happen here? seems not.

 

c.) share yer pics so that ... what? ya feel good? yeah. will 'ya send me some? you'll feel better in the morning. I promise. exploit yourself? geesh, again no cause for concern

 

d.) so, thissy here keylogger, what did it end up logging? Nothin' or sumthin? they're so dang popular 'cause day werk and level the playing field of secrets and dishonesty.

 

you can lie or tell the truth, we'll never really know, just make sure you honestly disclose it here

 

e.) she sed sumthin about her youngest saying he told her that daddy knows everything? sus suh say what? Are we to believe this man child openly shares these sort of things with his child? Do you know this type of man too? who IS he? weirdo it sounds like.

 

 

Now I have 2 posts Hi-5.

 

L8r.

 

Are you my tbx or hers?

You write like mine, but then, maybe hers has that much in common with mine that I could confuse you for mine.