need some perspective!

[controlledchaos]

every time i try to type this out, it becomes SOOOO long. there is just soo much drama and back story. i don't want to overwhelm or bore anyone to tears here.

 

so, i'll try to hit the basics and if anyone is interested or wants more info in order to give some insight, i'll give it then.

 

ok, met my H at 19. we dated 5 years. married 10. separated 7 mo. we have 5 kids.

 

background. last summer, after 33 yrs of living my life i finally learned that i was raised by an emotionally and verbally ( and sometimes physically) abusive mother. and most of her family is that way. i also learned that i married a man just like her. i mean, i always KNEW he was just like her but i didn't know the two of them were abusive. so, that's why there is just so much back story in my marriage. i never realized WHY things were so bad until last summer. i just knew NOTHING i did every made anything better. i couldn't make him happy, and i just never knew why.

 

so, 9 yrs into marriage. 5 kids. and yes, it does only take once to get pg. i am the proof of that. several of my kids were results of sex once in a 4-6 month period. our lack of sex life was definitely an issue. but, he was the one who didn't want it and then turned around and blame ME for that. it was my fault he didn't want to have sex with me. and i believed him. the past 5 yrs he definitely preferred his hand and porn over anything *I* could give him.

 

we finally hit a point where i was done living like this. call it a "wake up call" to not wanting 15 more years like that. i asked him if he wanted to stay married. he said, " i don't know." i asked him if he loved me. he said, "i don't know." so, i told him he needed to figure it out and once he did to let me know. that if he DIDN"T want to stay married i would take the kids and leave. a week later. he said " take the kids and leave." so, that was the game plan. and that is when i took my rings off and said, "my marriage is over."

 

that's not what happened though. so, highlights.

-- 2 months later he's accusing me of having an emotional affair with a guy. he's downloaded keylogger and screen shot software and has proof. i was crushed and apologized a million times. this all took place in a matter of 15 days.

 

-- 2 months after that he's still spying on me and telling me that he thinks we need to stop fooling ourselves. he starts looking up lawyers and divorce laws. he's now punched a wall, and thrown furniture. and the insults are esculating.

 

--1 month later he moves out. it was either he left or i left. he's now installed some spy program that can monitor and manipulate MY laptop from his wirelessly from wherever he is in the country. he's out for about 6 weeks and then one day just walks back in. he's calling me names and telling me i should sleep with male neighbors, etc. he's telling me he doesn't want to try any of the things i have read about trying to fix us. things are my fault, my issue. i'm the one having all these emotional affairs. he needs to fix his job issue before he can worry about his marriage.

 

-- it's now fall and he's supposed to leave in nov. but he is dragging his feet. he's seeing a counselor, and she is telling him that *I* am the reason things aren't getting better. and that i'm rewriting history. he's telling me that he can't recall the last time he loved me. and that we probably never should've gotten married. and that he wouldn't marry me again if he had to do it over. and the list goes on.

 

-- he finally moves out in jan. and things get worse. he's still spying on me. i believe he probably has read here, or posts here, because things he has said or done are all outlined here.

 

-- in march we have a HUGE blow up over money and things become VERY scary, and he installs surveillance equiptment in the house. which in our state is illegal. he's not living here but has access to the house and kids. we see a marriage counselor who basically tells him that he's been ignoring me for at least 5 yrs and that if he wants to stay married he needs to make up his mind and do something about it. that the ball is in "his court."

 

-- april, i agree to a date with him. and it's awful. he starts in on all the emotional affairs i've had and that he doesn't know if he can ever trust me again. and that what i did is grounds for divorce. he says i'm not nice enough to him. and that me avoiding his emails and texts and not looking him in the eye means i'm still cheating on him. by this time i KNOW about the surveillance stuff. i found it. i also know he's still spying on my computer AND my cell phone. he knows where i am and who i'm with almost all the time. he also knows i have never met a man in private EVER. that i haven't been kissed by anyone than him in 15 yrs. that i haven't had any sort of sex in almost a year. he knows this he has the proof.

 

-- may or june, i forget. i open a FB acct in my maiden name and 24 hrs later he emails me saying he knows i've done this and he knows i've blocked him. that i'm a "naughty girl."

 

-- i have til jan to decide if i want to file for divorce. can't before that in my state. i can't save this marriage and he has never really shown much interesting in trying to do things differently. but, at the same time i am having such a hard time accepting the end and being ok with that.

 

so, i guess i'm looking for some people that don't know me or him to give me their opinion. i had never once spoke to a man with the purpose of conversation until after he said "take the kids and leave." i never sought any man to get to know. i never even looked guys in the EYE!!! i did however chat online with 3 male friends from high school and college after he said "take the kids and leave." 2 of them over time expressed some "fantasies" with me. and i told them i won't cheat. but not stopping them dead their tracks for making the comments. i would change the subject or say " that sort of talk cannot happen anymore." the one guy i figured was a set up by my H. i told him my H was spying on me and everything i said or read. i told him several times i thought he was setting me up. but, not one of those guys did i ever want to leave my husband for. i never had feelings for them other than friendship, with maybe a touch of lust thrown in. the only thoughts i had were " i wish my H was more like that." or " i wish my H would do activities like that." and they were things like coaching soccer or taking the kids on little adventures. not sexual stuff or lovely dovey stuff.

 

i believed my H when he said i was having emotional affairs. i felt AWFUL and apologized profusely. i never saw them as more than friends. he said it was grounds for divorce. i asked him why he wasn't divorcing me then. he was the one that didn't want to stay married afterall. he was the one that was pushing me away and telling me he didn't remember the last time he loved me. that he'd pick his education and career over me again.

 

i still feel horrible. this whole thing has messed me up REALLY badly. to the point where i don't trust anyone at all. i'm pretty sure he's still spying on me. but, i don't even trust friends. i tried to meet some new people and that just did not work out well at all. so, i don't even trust myself to meet people. the past couple weeks i have realized that i am pretty sure i will be alone for the rest of my life because i just have no trust left. and i don't trust myself either.

 

if you got to the end of that. thank you for reading it. i appreciate it.

[controlledchaos]

i also wanted to add that in the past year i have received messages from at least 5 guys from HS and college that want to "remember the good ole' times" via facebook. these guys are ALL married. they ALL remember something as small as how awesome my boobs were or what a good kisser i was. these are things *I* don't even remember!!

 

the first couple i was flattered. my H won't french kiss me at all. hasn't for about 12 yrs. he thinks it's "gross." and i do think i have nice boobs! i get compliments on them ALL THE TIME. so, i might not have dealt with them the correct way right off the bat. but, now when i get messages like that i do nip it in the bud before anything goes anywhere. now, it's really creepy to be honest. and as long as they knock it off i leave them on my acct. but if they don't stop i delete them.

 

thanks!

[You Go Girl]

Your H is gathering ammunition to use against you in court, besides being a narcisstic- psychopath.

Do not type a single thing on a puter that you don't want repeated in court, including "I think I have cute boobs!" Imagine that read outloud in a courtroom.

Do not write a single thing on facebook or anywhere else, that you don't want as public information in court. It doesn't matter if you typed it on a library computer. Your H is gathering evidence to use against you, even if he is grasping at straws and there is nothing of any significance.

 

You have 5 children. The child support will be significant. If he could build a custody case, he will do it. The child support for 5 children could destroy 100% of any play money for him, even simple things like wanting a new shirt.

Infidelity is grounds to dismiss alimony in most states if not all.

I don't know if your state is no-fault. I certainly hope so. I can imagine him trying to make mountains out of molehills in a courtroom.

 

Hopefully, all the above is true, except for the narcisstic- psychopath part. Because if it is simple divorce tactics he is preparing for, you are much better off than if he is the psychopath I hope he isn't.

Inform family and friends if he ever threatens you in anyway, and immediately call the police and file a report. It MUST be on record if it is to ever be recognized by a court.

Everything you write, everywhere, including here on LS, is being watched. Yikes.

You're not really paranoid chaos, because he really is watching you.

 

Create a new email account at a library. Only access this account from the library. Sign out everytime you are finished using it, and check to make sure that the library erases history with the closing of internet explorer window. If it does not, then go into tools, internet options, and erase everything once you are finished.

Keep posting...lots of posts...you can get personal messages at around 40 or 50 posts.

[You Go Girl]

bitterman, perhaps we simply don't see things the same way?

Here's a piece of her initial thread, unadultered by me:

we finally hit a point where i was done living like this. call it a "wake up call" to not wanting 15 more years like that. i asked him if he wanted to stay married. he said, " i don't know." i asked him if he loved me. he said, "i don't know." so, i told him he needed to figure it out and once he did to let me know. that if he DIDN"T want to stay married i would take the kids and leave. a week later. he said " take the kids and leave." so, that was the game plan. and that is when i took my rings off and said, "my marriage is over."

 

that's not what happened though. so, highlights.

-- 2 months later he's accusing me of having an emotional affair with a guy. he's downloaded keylogger and screen shot software and has proof. i was crushed and apologized a million times. this all took place in a matter of 15 days.

 

Bitter, her H wouldn't commit to a marriage he was already in. The words "I don't know" to if he wanted to stay married or if he loved her? Hello!

then he told her to leave. Then she took her rings off.

Now technically she is still married at this point, but for all emotional purposes, he has set her free.

So she seeks comfort online talking to some guy. And you're going to call that cheating?

Her H won't hardly have sex with her but has sex with porn all the time for years and years! And she's the cheater?

Now why does it seem to you that she is the cheater for seeking friendship/comfort with a man online for a month, while her H seeks out porn instead of her for intimacy for years and can't even say if he loves her?

I believe she was betrayed first, long before her little online tryst.

[You Go Girl]

As I said before, she's a serial cheater and here's a husband who has the balls to leave someone who could treat him so lowly. You're right. We'll never see eye to eye.

 

Interesting!

 

I see his telling her that she should leave as abandonment of her by him.

At that point, they're still in the same house, but he is emotionally detached. He doesn't appear to care at all. He can't even say if he loves her or not, and doesn't want to stay married, because he told her to leave.

Yet he suddenly starts showing he cares by spying on her? Why didn't he say, yes, I love you! instead?

Why no I love yous, but a keylogger?

Doesn't that seem like a war tactic? A person with no feeling for another person anymore, but a desire to stick it to them?

She's treated him so lowly? What has he done by telling her that he essentially doesn't love her anymore when he tells her to leave? Isn't that the first low blow, if we have the story in the proper sequence?

[controlledchaos]

thank you both. this is what i was wondering. am i this horrible awful person that deserved to be spied on and more?

 

we've had issues with this emotional connection for so many years now. this conversation of love and staying married has taken place in the past. he has never once come out and said "i love you" during or after one of them and yet i have stayed. stupid me. i guess part of me thought that if he did indeed love me and want to stay married to me he'd say " i love you." but, he has never once said that to me. 3 yrs ago he sent me an email that basically said, " i didn't start the killing of you, but i definitely left you to die." in emotional terms. he just shut down. cut me off.

 

i know he's trying to catch me cheating, but there is nothing to catch. i have no feelings for any other person in the world. in fact, it's the opposite i don't trust anyone anymore and i'm slowly shutting people out. i have zero support system from family ( just who they are. i didn't even tell them about the separation til after he had moved out).

 

i wish i had never started an online conversation, but at the same time, if i hadn't i never would've known just how wrong my marriage was. if i hadn't started asking questions of other people about their marriages, i would still be under the impression that it is normal for a guy to emotionally and verbally abuse his wife, and ignore her. he doesn't want me, hasn't for a long time. and i know i messed up big time. our marriage was over. i was moving out in a month with the kids. not one time did he ever say " i want this marriage to work, what do we do?" he never wanted to try any of the things i asked him to.

 

i guess i don't understand why he didn't just file for divorce like he said he could and you say he should. if i'm this serial cheater, why not do that. why not let me go?? i've begged him to let me go. the contempt and berating sucks. hearing that i'm a whore and that i'm not smart, and when am i ever going to learn ( and this is about everything i do, even which house we're going to buy). why can't i get things right the first time, why do i have to make such huge mistakes in order to ever learn anything. why won't he just let me go? he wanted me to go. leave and take the kids...

 

 

thank you, again.

[controlledchaos]

hi! i do have a question for you. you say i'm a serial cheater and therefore my H was justified in the spying and what not, right??

 

before april of 2009 i had never had a single online conversation with a male. before april of 2009, i never really even spoke to man that wasn't a relative, friend's husband, or a professional i had to deal with ( like a doctor.) my H knows this because he has ALWAYS had complete access to me and my technologies. my computer, he's always known every single password to any acct i have ever had in my entire 15 yrs with him. i never had anything to hid. in fact, the stuff he found that prompted the keylogger were pictures i took FOR HIM that he didn't want. but were on my laptop. they prompted him to search my accts for more information. but, i wasn't hiding them. i took them FOR HIM and that's why they were just sitting there in my "recents" folder. my phone, i didn't even know HOW to text and it had no passcode protection. i had NO male friends that would have reason to call or have my number. i loved my H and would've continued to stay in an unhappy marriage if he said he wanted to. but, he told me to leave.... he didn't want me and this was before i ever had a single conversation with any man.

 

i loved him even when he called me a whore for getting a tattoo. i loved him even though he said i should have sex with my neighbor and the pastor that married my cousin. i loved him even though he said i was pathetic for asking him what i could do make any of this better, to fix us, to help him love me again. i loved him even when he said, " i can't remember the last time i loved you." i loved him even after 3 months of hearing that we probably never should've gotten married. i don't think i stopped loving him until after he showed up in the middle of the night and got his handgun out of the master bedroom closet and sat down next to me, "wanting to talk." i had tried to move money at the bank, and failed. he was pissed. i think that night when he was sitting there accusing me of crying because of "some guy" was the night i realized he was NEVER going to love me. there was NO GUY. i was terrified out of MY MIND!!! i was scared and bawling, asking him not to shoot me. and he was thinking " she's crying because of some guy." that's when he installed the surveillence equipment, bugged my phone and started tracking me. there was NO ONE! i was afraid of HIM!

 

i understand that i should not have developed any sort of relationship ( even friendship) with a man that is not my husband. i know that! but i still don't understand why all the spying on me!?! how is he protecting himself after he's told me he doesn't love me and wants me to go, and then moves out? i told him i wasn't going to have sex with anyone at all till after i was divorced and i mean that. so, in my state he has to be able to prove i had sex with someone to say i committed adultery. i am not asking him to stay together or get back together. he DIDN"T WANT ME. he told me to LEAVE. HE DOESN"T LOVE ME! so, what is he protecting? he recently asked me if this could end any way other than divorce. and i told him i didn't think so. he sat next to me with a loaded hand gun in the bed while i cried and then told me and other people that he had every right. he was justified. i'm not sure someone easily recovers from that. being told that i had NO right to be afraid of him in that situation. my feelings were once again WRONG and invalid.

 

back when i still loved him ( before march of this year) he asked how did he know if he could trust me again? i told him that it was a loaded question. because if he didn't love me, which he says he didn't, i didn't understand WHY it mattered if he trusted me or not. if he had no positive feelings towards me, it wouldn't matter if he could trust me or not. it didn't matter WHAT i did, he was always going to be suspicious of me. and since he was already telling me he didn't love me and that i was a whore, did it really matter?? fast forward to about april/ may ( he's put in the surveillence stuff, i've found it, he's started cyberstalking me, so i get a new computer and a new phone) and BAM he's frantically searching my phone for anything he can find. there was NOTHING there to find. he's monitored me for all those months, a year or more actually. what is he protecting??? i guess i just do not understand at all. and this is why i think i will end up staying away from people for a while. i just don't trust. i can't trust.

 

could you please help me understand? please.....

 

oh and as for the validation from other men. yeah, i don't get validation from other men. i have had several men make comments about my appearance. yes. but, that's it. my ONLY validation comes from four things. 1. my children, 2. my very close girlfriends ( my own family doesn't even validate me as a person, in fact they all think i suck like my H does....... that darn abusive situation again). 3. my relationship to God and 4. the appreciation from military service personnel that i spend time thanking and donating to. that's it. i don't think i have ever had a single man in my entire life VALIDATE me. not one. i married the first man i had a real long term relationship with. and he treats me like my family does. so, no men don't validate me. i have been flattered by compliments but i think that's because i didn't grow up hearing i was worth anything and my H doesn't think i'm all that either. he's compliment to me is " well, you don't gross me out." i have suffered in the self worth department, and i still have MANY days where the only thought running through my head is, " you suck as a human being. you have no value to anyone." so, please tell me how selfish i am.

 

 

You're seeming to forget the biggest problem: she's the serial cheater and here is a husband who has boundaries to protect himself from someone who is selfish and only cares about the validation of other men. We can go on and on about this YYG, but its pointless. I stand by my original statement and will continue to do so.

[controlledchaos]

he's accused me of having TWO. and both were after he said he wanted me to leave with the kids. after he said he didn't know if he loved me and didn't know if he wanted to stay married to me.

 

so, in your opinion after he said "leave" and the first emotional affair took place, i should have done what?? i apologized, profusely. stopped talking to the guy. started reading every single self help book. every single save your marriage book. i think i read like 12 books that summer between may and aug. he wanted to have NOTHING to do with them. he didn't want to work on any of it. instead he just kept increasing his spying and calling me names and putting me down. he'd say all sorts of nasty horrid things. what more was i supposed to do? how do you make someone who doesn't love you, fall in love with you?

[You Go Girl]

controllechaos--

He has threatened your life.

He isn't interested in loving you--but you even talking to another man has aroused deep paranoia and suspicion because he is OFF. He cares about his manhood, not you. He thinks of you like chattle. His ego is so huge because his self-esteem is nearly zero. This is a very dangerous situation and person to be so closely tied to. Your story is now sending shivers down my spine.

You are in a dangerous position. I am worried for you. When you leave, you need to go straight to a shelter.

My stbx has his large ego, but it is nothing compared to what you have been through. There were a couple threatening moments in which I was frightened, and one I ran off somewhere because it scared me to the point I wondered if my life was safe.

I believe my stbx has seen these moments in a clear light, and regrets them. I trust that he does.

But I am worried that your H has no such remorse for that discussion involving the gun.

With a crappy family, you sound like a woman with few or no people to lean on. That's one of the reasons that women's shelters exist.

 

You do realize that you need to totally disregard it when LS posters project their hurt egos upon you directly, don't you?

[LittleTiger]

controlledchaos, please 'listen' carefully to what I say here.

 

None of this is your fault - none of it. You have done nothing wrong. Your husband gave up all rights to your loyalty when he said he didn't love you and asked you to leave - you own him absolutely nothing.

 

It is really important that you ignore any posts on here that say otherwise.

 

Your husband is total scum. He has a problem with his ego and is on a power trip. You are the victim here. He enjoys controlling you and making you afraid because it makes him feel 'big'. He has no right to do that, whatever he thinks you might have done. No woman should ever be afraid of her husband. I agree with YGG. I think he is a dangerous man and you need to get to a place of safety.

 

Please do as YGG suggests and get to a women's refuge with your children - somewhere your husband cannot find you. There you will find support from people who can help.

 

If you need to use a computer DO NOT use your own because he may be able to find you. I'm no technology expert, but I'm pretty certain he could do this.

 

You also need to go to the police as soon as you possibly can and tell them about his behaviour. Tell them that he threatened you with a gun and watched you crying and pleading with him without any concern for your feelings. He has mental problems and you need to get away from him permanently, and as soon as possible.

 

Your number one priority right now is to get yourself and your children to somewhere that you are safe.

[controlledchaos]

thank you for your concern. he's out of the house. and while it's not an ideal situation, the kids and i are safe i believe. lots of people got involved right around then. he was making subtle threats to anyone who would give me any sort of advice. he involved a lot of people that ended up questioning his actions because they just were not safe. friends and neighbors, men from church all got involved and tried to figure out what exactly he wanted and was looking for. i did file reports. i have only felt threatened one other time.

 

i want the differing perspectives. i want to know if i (or we) are taking the right path. or am i ( or we) walking away. i know what i have done. and i know what i haven't done. i know i have loved this man more than any other person on the entire planet! and i also know that my love for his was never enough to keep him from being "discontent."

 

all i have ever wanted is for him to be happy. i know i never made him happy. i am sure he can find someone he likes more than me. someone that is a better match for him. he doesn't like who i am at the core, and it's hard to have a relationship with someone that doesn't like the natural you.

 

i am ok with this. i am ok with a divorce. and if that means he finds someone that loves him more, fabulous!! as long as he is happy, that is all that matters to me.

 

thanks, again!

[controlledchaos]

i am not the one interested in reconciling. HE is the only person talking about us not divorcing or staying together. he is the one that suggested seeing a counselor. i have stood pretty stead fast with the emotions from last spring which were, that he didn't love me and didn't want to stay married and wanted me to take the kids and leave.

 

i have been only just NOW been thinking, " have i tried hard enough." but, no, i am not the one who has wanted to keep working on a broken down marriage. like i said, the gun and surveillence were pretty much MY last straw. not his. he suggested the counseling and a date AFTER that. i simply agreed to them. that is all.

 

i was looking for some perspective from both sides. he says, go. starts spying when there appears to be someone else in my life. then says come back and escalates the spying. but, doesn't want to work to fix anything when he says, " come back." and it just gets worse and worse. the push and pull. does that make sense? i don't want you, but i won't let you go either. so, "stay here, and tolerate the insults." while i have never really changed my position at all. i have never once asked him to "reconcile" though..........

 

 

No one's projecting their hurt egos or issues so enough with the indirect insults. What OP needs to do is divorce her H so that he can heal and move on because obviously he doesn't want to reconcile and has anger issues regarding the multiple affairs.

[LittleTiger]

controlledchaos, unless you've left out some fairly major information, there are no other reasonable perspectives on this. The man threatened you with a gun

 

There is no other path but divorce!

 

Your only concern about his thoughts or feelings should be in relation to your safety.

 

It seems to me that your self esteem is so low (because of your husband's behaviour) that you are more ready to believe bad things about yourself than about him.

 

You say you feel safe, which is good, though I'm not sure I'd feel safe in your position. Didn't you say he still has access to the house and has set up equipment (some of which is illegal) so he can spy on you 24/7?

[LittleTiger]

No one's projecting their hurt egos or issues so enough with the indirect insults. What OP needs to do is divorce her H so that he can heal and move on because obviously he doesn't want to reconcile and has anger issues regarding the multiple affairs.

 

Bitterman, there are no affairs in this scenario.

 

Aside from the gun incident, the OPs husband is emotionally abusing her and trying to make her believe she did something wrong. She didn't.

 

It astounds me that you can't see that.

 

I don't know your story but your name quite explicity indicates you admit to being bitter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Presumably about something a woman did to you? Every reply given on LS is coloured by the posters own life experiences and we all bring our own 'issues' to other people's situations. I'd be very surprised if you were an exception.

[trippi1432]

OP - Please take your safety into account here....that's first and foremost. I haven't been able to read through your entire post yet....but on both sides of your situation, you being safe from him is important.

 

Now just the little bit I've seen going back and forth, I will also say something on his behalf....if he is emotionally disturbed or if you feel that you caused any of that....that is not something you can help at this point. It is just as important that he get some space as well to clear his head if things have gotten that ugly. That means you should both practice no contact for a bit and let things cool down.

[controlledchaos]

thank you. i give him space. i try very hard not to escalate anything. simply because i don't know what his next move will be. we do see each other a lot though. we have 5 kids together and he comes to the house to see them and spend his weekends with them. things aren't great, but they aren't as bad as they were a couple months ago. i've been asked if i think he's capable of truly harming us, and my answer is i don't think so. but, in the back of my mind there are the stories of the family being taken out one by one. and you don't see those coming until after they've taken place..... i am very nice to my H. and i am very glad that he has chosen to be a more active parent in his kids' lives. that means the absolute WORLD to me!!

 

he does have access to the house and he has set up illegal surveillance. he does know i will press charges next time he does it. but then again that's only if i found out about it, right?

 

as for the emotional affairs. he told me i had them. i didn't even know what they were. not only had i never heard of them. but as far as i knew i didn't have any kind of 'loving' feelings towards these 2 guys. so, i googled emotional affairs. and i did find that even FLIRTING with someone is considered an emotional affair. so i apologized up one side and down the other. i have always been a huge flirt. always. so, i'm sure i flirted. but, the parts about sharing emotions with them instead of the spouse. no. there was none of that. for one. i never had a conversation with either of them i hadn't already had with my H. i'm talking from MY side, and my emotions. obviously they could've told me a story about them or their life. but nothing going on in my parts of the conversations hadn't already occured with my H. and another part, wanting to be with them. no to that too. i never thought of leaving him for them. i guess a part of that is because he had already told me to leave. and he and i had almost NO emotional connection AT ALL. we haven't for years. he never really wanted to connect with me emotionally. he would tell me my emotions were wrong and lies. so, i'm not sure what i was taking away from our relationship because he didn't want any emotions i had to offer anyway. but, when he said i had an emotional affair and that it was grounds for divorce. i believed him. i believed everything he said. we got to talking about him going to strip clubs and cumming from lap dances vs. me chatting with a guy from high school. and he told me the difference was that my conversation was private. his orgasm from a lap dance was not.

 

about 3 yrs ago he wanted more money, again. so, i offered to get a job. he suggested i go work at the bunny ranch. during our honeymoon i had too much to drink one night. he took naked pictures of me with my head in the toilet. one was just me. the other he set up with the automatic camera setting with him crouched behind me laughing, holding my boobs in his hands. nice, huh? we hadn't even been married a week, and there wasn't any making sure i was ok. it was just amusement at my expense. 4 yrs ago we were on vacation alone. i was all dressed for a nice romantic night in bed, and told him to hurry up and join me. 20 min. later, i go find him on the porch looking at his computer. he quickly hid the screen he was looking at but not before i saw it. it was porn. he lied and then admitted to it. 20 min. he wouldn't come join me in bed, porn was more interesting and more important. by choice, he slept on the sofa for the next two nights. it's too bad it took me this long to realize just how unhusbandly that kind of stuff is........

[jnj express]

Hey CC---you need to ignore bitterman-----he obviously has his own issues, and doesn't necessarily look at things objectively---stop reading what he/she writes.

 

Until you are divorced you need to shut down all social websites---stop giving your H. ammunition

 

You do have some things in your favor----your H. is abusing you----he has abandoned his family, and all of these things can be used agst him.

 

Is he making sure to provide for you and the children financially----if not then put the family finances in an acct in your name only---

 

As to him spying on you electronically----you can get the geek squad or someone else to come in and remove whatever spying program he has installed---same for your cell phone---swap it out at the store of the cellphone operator you deal with---then DO NOT LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR PHONE OR COMPUTER

 

Keep a specific diary of everything your H. has done---since this all started---you will need to give this to an atty, in re: child custody and support issues-----remember half of everything is yours in a divorce settlement---including his retirement

 

Do not run scared---stand up to him---and if he threatens you in any way---get a restraining order agst him

 

As to living in the house---until you seperate he does have the right to stay in the house----just make sure you DO NOT LEAVE

[LittleTiger]

If I recall correctly you cheated on your husband also while you were still married? No wonder you back up cheaters so much. But that's okay, everyone has their own perspective.

 

:lmao::lmao:!!!!! Errr NO!!!!!

 

You recall incorrectly.

 

This just proves you're not reading people's posts clearly.

 

(sorry for the threadjack OP)

[controlledchaos]

thanks. i am quite used to having people in my life not hear me or what i'm saying correctly. so, this bitterman person just makes me think of them. no big deal really.

 

as for the social websites, do you mean like this place? if so, i have tried to do that. most places i just read. there are 3 forums i post on. one for parenting, one from my church, and now this one. part of it is because i'm so lonely. i have had to cut off almost all communication with people because i don't trust anything anymore. i have nothing to hide, but apparently whatever is going on in my life is sooo interesting........ a week or so ago i kinda hit a spot where it was like " so what if he knows this that or the other thing." and i stopped caring so much about what he was finding during his spy sessions. i figure he's there, watching, recording, etc. so be it. if that's how he gets his kicks, i can't stop him.

 

i have 5 months left before either one of us can even file. so, til then i just sit and wait. i have had some CIA friends sweep my house, computer, router and car. i have resources for checking up on my phone. he does give me child support.

 

the housing situation is a double edge sword. one side is we have a roof over our heads that we are used to. the other side is that he has complete access to it whenever he wants and he makes it very clear he doesn't care how i feel about him just showing up out of the blue, or staying and "doing stuff" til midnight some nights. so, i bite my tongue and put on a smile or just hang out in my room if i need to. we are separated. have been for 7 months. and i do leave. i leave for a couple hours once or twice a week. and then i leave every other weekend from friday night til sun night. we had agreed to this before things got really, really bad.............

 

thanks.

 

Hey CC---you need to ignore bitterman-----he obviously has his own issues, and doesn't necessarily look at things objectively---stop reading what he/she writes.

 

Until you are divorced you need to shut down all social websites---stop giving your H. ammunition

 

You do have some things in your favor----your H. is abusing you----he has abandoned his family, and all of these things can be used agst him.

 

Is he making sure to provide for you and the children financially----if not then put the family finances in an acct in your name only---

 

As to him spying on you electronically----you can get the geek squad or someone else to come in and remove whatever spying program he has ][`installed---same for your cell phone---swap it out at the store of the cellphone operator you deal with---then DO NOT LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR PHONE OR COMPUTER

 

Keep a specific diary of everything your H. has done---since this all started---you will need to give this to an atty, in re: child custody and support issues-----remember half of everything is yours in a divorce settlement---including his retirement

 

Do not run scared---stand up to him---and if he threatens you in any way---get a restraining order agst him

 

As to living in the house---until you seperate he does have the right to stay in the house----just make sure you DO NOT LEAVE

[jnj express]

What does your seperation agreement say---You need to talk to your atty.---once you are seperated he can no longer just come into the home----it is akin to breaking and entering----call the Dist. Atty's office in your town or county and ask them your rights if you don't have a divorce atty.

 

As to social websites----facebook, my space etc.----stay off of anything that will give your H. ammunition agst you-----remember you have rights, and do not let him bully you----you have any other questions ask them someone here will give you an appropriate answer

[controlledchaos]

hi. thank you.

 

i don't have an attorney. there is no official separation agreement. in my state i have to be separated one year, one day and i can go file for divorce, or he could. so, that's what i've been doing, waiting. i can't afford a lawyer. i have no money. i tried to get money in march. but the bank called my stbx and he told them i was stealing from him. the next day he emptied out the joint accts. he deposits money into my own acct each month. but, it's just barely enough for us to live on. i couldn't save any or even do payment plans at this point.

 

i have spoken to a free lawyer and she can't really help me. but, her advice i fear would simply escalate things ( she said it would too herself) and i wouldn't get me any closer to a resolution in the next 5 months anyway. so, i am just patiently waiting it out. i have asked both my parents for help, and i have basically been told no by both of them. my church is able to help with some things and they have.

 

honestly, i'm afraid to escalate any of this. the couple of times i have asked him to call before he comes over, or knock before he enters he has gotten angry and aggressive. i mentioned getting a lawyer involved and he blew up at me and told me there was no way he was going to pay for it or help me pay for it. i could put it on a credit card but, i already have growning credit card debit from all of this. so, for me, the best option is to sit and wait.

 

we agreed to this arrangement because it keeps the kids in the house at all times. it was cheaper for him to get a one bedroom apt than me finding a place big enough for 5 kids and me. it only took 1 month for it to become an ill thought out plan and an unsafe situation. which he states is my fault. if i hadn't done xxx, he wouldn't have to do yyy. so, i'm not in a hurry to escalate things and see just how far he's willing to go.

 

thank you, again.

[LittleTiger]

No, I recall correctly, and that just proves how YOU'RE not reading people's posts clearly.

 

Oh good grief!

 

I think I might remember if I cheated on my husband - maybe I should go back and re-read my own threads just to be sure?

[controlledchaos]

could you please give me some examples of 'showing true remorse?'

thank you.

 

 

If she showed true remorse for her actions her H wouldn't be so angry right now.

[LittleTiger]

Yep you should.

 

Perhaps you'd like to tell me where to look?

[LittleTiger]

could you please give me some examples of 'showing true remorse?'

thank you.

 

OP, please don't believe what this man is saying.

 

You may have something to be sorry for, there are always two sides to a story, but from what you've said you are the injured party.