monkey Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Hi, how someone can be so cruel, someone i love & spent a beutuful year with, won't speak to me because i was ill with anxiety & it hurt her. I thinking she was still in America & was playing with my phone & pressed her number for old time sake, not expecting her to answer, but she did, she's back in Hungary. I didn't know what to say. She told me she will be meeting other men, isn't this a horrible thing to say, i'm sure she's trying to make me hate her. I think always of our happyness in the past, & i still feel a big part of her, even though i'm not to her, she's acting so cold towards me & i've got so many questions i need to know, but i can't ask her, it's impossible to communicate with her, why is she being like this..She couldn't even tell me she was coming home, i say to her that i just want friends & be nice,she says this to me. She is a cold hardened person, mabe from her difficult upbringing & i'm the opposite, she's said some wicked things I am a sensitive loyal person & i'm very hurt by this & she can just go on & do her thing like nothing has happened.. Thing is i still love her, i feel i'm blind & she can do no wrong. I mabe obsessing & i feel i done nothing wrong, why are the love of our lives one minute & so cruel the next. Hurting real bad.
meanon Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 So sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I've been reading your posts since I commented on your threads some time ago. You've been doing really well. Things will get better soon, this is a temporary set back. Hang in there Monkey.
pinkroses Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 before Fallenangel did, and tried to tell you you should "get over it" or something. Emotions of all kinds are normal after break-ups and betrayals. When you're involved with someone you can't always see what is wrong in the relationship or what is happening in the other person's heart under the surface. Sometimes when things end suddenly it is a shock, and you can go for days in a sort of stupor, going over what happened and why, and being confused. Sometimes you just need to be heard, and know that someone else has been there. Keep us posted on what you find out and how you are doing. It is a process and you need the support of others to get through it.
maxmuscle Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Monkey, I kept telling you to be careful with thinking that your ex is saying things out of anger and she will eventually come around. The bottom line truth is that you never really gave her the kind of space she wanted. You are so lock in on "why she is doing this and that to me" You need to get yourself better because with her or without her, you are going to have to make yourself better. You are displaying a beahvior style she doesn't like. I am sorry she is not coming around and by the sounds of it she doesn't plan on it anytime soon. You need to stop thinking that she is saying things out of anger, its not about anger with her. Its about what she wants now. STOP thinking that she is going to come back to you. You are killing yourself! Prepare for the worst! Sorry to sound so harsh and blunt, but I don't want to see you hurting like this.
Author monkey Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 Max your right, i never gave her the space & it is about her, i just have been treated like **** & thrown in the bin. There's so many things i need to know but i'm not being allowed to ask her. Yes, i'm a jealous guy, i don't mind admiting it, because it's part of my make up, i'm ruminating of her meeting others & i should be there. I am prepared for the worst, but i never saw her as this person who could . I feel as close to her now than ever & she's not sensitive like me. I feel like making her life hell, but i don't want to hurt her, thats my caringness thats getting me nowhere in life. Mabe i should be some guy thats horrible to their women, they are the ones that don't hurt & can easily move on. I still feel she's angry time will change, but what type of girls tells someone they will see other men, when she knows i suffer from nervous probs. I've had noyhing positive in my life since October, when i returned home thinking me doing this would make us closer & we'd be together when i was well. I kept saying 'lets be cool & talk like adults, answer each others questions & get things out in the open, but all she did was shout & not answr me', she cares for me & wants me to get well, but she does this.
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Monkey As long as you continue to think about her nonstop, you will remain stuck in your rut. You absolutely must let go of this person. She is not coming back, ever. You are only hurting yourself by stubbornly clinging to your ideas. She is over you. The deal is off. She told me she will be meeting other men, isn't this a horrible thing to say No. She is trying to get it through your head that it is OVER between you. That you refuse to accept it is a very bad sign. Are you seeing a counsellor? People need to learn to acknowledge when relationships are ended; if you cannot, you need help badly because it's a sign of disordered thinking.
junior Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 before seeking professional help, do you have any tips on acknowledging that a relationship is over. its not that easy, especially if your are trying to save it
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/sr1.htm
Author monkey Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 whatabout my feelings, nobody seems bothered about me & that i'm here at my witts end. I've done nothing wrong, she lied to me for a month, she was too weak to tell me face to face.. I've done all we agreed on & now it's her time to do her part. Why can no-one see, all i was was ill, she has been terrible to me. All my friends say that no girl worth anything would tell me their going to see other men, when she knows i love her now we've been apart. I did this to strengthen us. She may think it's over, but i'll get my day.
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 whatabout my feelings, nobody seems bothered about me & that i'm here at my witts end. On the contrary, I, for one, am VERY concerned that your love has turned into a serious problem for you psychologically. she has been terrible to me. Fine. Then dump her. Forget about her. She's not worth it, right? She may think it's over, but i'll get my day. OK, now THIS is VERY bad. GET HELP NOW. You are in BIG trouble, and it's only getting worse. You need professional help and you need it NOW.
Author monkey Posted February 21, 2004 Author Posted February 21, 2004 She's poisoned my friend againsed me, i've tried to be reasonable by saying we should sit down & talk as adults, she listens to nothing i say when i contact her. I try be nice & talk of how her flight was & what the weather is like there & i say it's cool to be friends, but she just doesn't listen, Tthere's millions of things i need to know & wont rest till i do. I love her
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Buddy, wise up. If you don't get your head straight, you'll end up in trouble with the law. I repeat. GET HELP.
maxmuscle Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 Monkey, I am listening to your feelings. I know you are hurting, and everyone on this forum knows it. My ex did some things I didn't like and I questioned her morals, values, and integrity! What can you do? I know you feel angry and vindictive, but you are walking a very thin line, be careful! I know you feel that she left you up a creek with no paddle, and now she is enjoying her single life and moving on without you. Now you are stuck with being ill with no support and on top of that you love her dearly! This is life, its unfair, and sometimes WE ALL get the worst end of the stick. Please position yourself to get on with your life. What your mind has concieved, your heart has believed. You are thinking that you can turn this whole relationship around to make her love you again which in turn is making your heart love her more. Monkey, you have to pull through this! It is your only way, there is no other way!
Dixiecron Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 Monkey, You have monkey mind. Go get yourself some books on Zen Buddhism. Don't call her again until you know why you should kill me. -Dixie
Author monkey Posted February 22, 2004 Author Posted February 22, 2004 My panic attack problem that i'm soon to be having therapy for (bloody English waiting lists), isn't helping me with this at all, Moimeme your right, i get this panic feeling & an uncontrolable urge to contact her, i hate it. It's the anniversary of me being in Budapest last year with her & it was so romantic & i can't stop thinking of it. To think this girl was the one mailing me all the time when i had to return to the UK, saying to me that she missed me in her bed & was crying for me with her mother, it hurts that now it's like this & realy i think is so unnecessary. I am sensitive & don't get involved with lots of people because i was hurt very bad when i was in my early 20's & now i feel the feeling again, only more.. Some of the associates i used to know screw all the local population & it sickens me that they have no emotional feeling towards things, but they don't & they don't get hurt, the ones with the caring & feelings do & it's not fair.
dario Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 Monkey, Truth is - you're never going to get answers. When this cloud is lifted you'll be a different person. Well, you'll still be you...but you'll be released of this. To get yourself to that place you have to better yourself man. You're gonna have to stop thinking about the possibilities with HER and what might happen IF this happens etc. Just get yourself out of this situation or it will drive you insane. People will lie to you...people will tell you things....you have to be careful. For now, you have to get yourself in a much better place. Do it, Monkey. Just cut that tie. You've got a whole life to live and you've hit pause. Don't let it drive you insane.
Author monkey Posted February 22, 2004 Author Posted February 22, 2004 Thanks Dario Everything people say, i know is right & she'll respect me more for this, i am going to leave her & expect the worst & anything positive after that, well who knows. Now i feel calm & ok about things, just yesterday morning i woke having dreamed of her & felt totally different, i'm sure you all know the score, & it got me all emotional & thinking of what could've been & 'if's', being mentally 'there' is an enlightenment i'm yet to find & i know not, which shop i go to. I take meds for my anxiety, i'm starting a psycho-counceling thing on thursday, but mabe something else is needed, mabe on a hill chanting in Thailand, i don't know. I just wish i hadn't accidentally pressed her button on the cell phone.
meanon Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 It's best you know the truth. Glad you are feeling a little calmer today. Good luck for Thursday.
maxmuscle Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 Monkey. At least you know where your truly stand with her. It's not completely a bad thing, she could have toyed with you for years. If she wanted her cake and eat it to, she could have done that to you. She may have been cruel with how she handle things, but it could have been alot worse. She pretty much informed you of how it is, some people don't get that opportunity. She could have kept quite and sold you a dream, while seeing and sleeping with other people. This could have been catastrophic!
Author monkey Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 What do i do about my jealousy & this mental torture of not understanding how someone can just emotionally detach themselves like this, i know i was a pain for her with my problem, does anyone out there have experience of time making people miss them or at least giving them the chance to talk, she has said she wants to see me, but not now, then she contradicts herself. This is my big problem, she don't wanna talk even, i just need to sit round a table & get things out like adults, when i ask her this she needs space & it's like everything i say goes out the window (this phrase she used to me when i couldn't handle her lies). When we spoke, it wasn't realy speaking, she talked immediately of other men. To me it sounded like she's trying to make me hurt & forget her, it didn't sound true, just to put me off her scent, so to speak, but she after constantly told me she wanted to be alone. When i say i'll have my day, i mean to sit & talk properly about it, this is all i want, i feel like a family feels when a loved one dies in mysterious circumstances, they just need the truth & mabe then they can accept it. This has all leaft me emotionaly wrecked, we parted in America with me thinking that this what i would do, going to get some therapy, would be the best for us & inevitably make us stronger. To me i miss her now more than ever, because abscence makes the heart grow fonder, i feel nothings changed since we were holding hands & being romantic. Only this illness happened & inevitably in a relationship, someone may get ill & this is life, i would have done anything if roles were reversed. I should feel hatred towards her, but i know her & can't imagine that she knows what she's done is right, i would feel very guilty & wouldn't be able to go about my day to day activities.
meanon Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 Write to her, tell her everything you want to say, say goodbye and send it. Then get better. You need all that energy, all that attention, all that care to be focused on yourself, not on someone who is unworthy of you and who has made it clear they do not want you. You will not get answers to your questions now, if ever. Maybe when you are well you could seek some form of closure, but this is not the time. For now all you need to do is accept that it's over and begin to recover your emotional and mental well being.
moimeme Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 As long as you keep telling yourself that you must have closure, that you still hurt, etc. etc., you will be stuck in your rut. You have to shut off this line of thinking. You have to tell yourself STOP whenever you start to think about it again. You are obsessing and this is not healthy. You will not get closure. She will not talk to you. And you absolutely must stop thinking about it. Give it up. Abandon the issue. Find something - anything - else to focus your attention on.
Author monkey Posted February 23, 2004 Author Posted February 23, 2004 Yes, i put it to the side & get on with making myself well, do my job & my intersets, but as forget it, no chance, i love her & i know she now doesn't love me & wants to see me in future, when we've both had time. I know she still feels something or she would have said she doesn't want to see me again, but she knows as she has written that the future is open & no-one knows. She wants me to be well, ok, & to see a different me, so i can be that different person she wants to be with. I obviously have an advantage, because she knows my nice points that outweigh my bad, as opposed to meeting some strange guy she knows nothing about & may be terrible to her. In your mind, if someone you care for went away to get well, wouldn't you be curious or interested to know how they were. I know i would & so would many others i've spoken to. I've posted to her the letter she wrote me saying that i'm welcome in her house & her parents like me & that they are sad that i have anxiety, but i can come when i want!! when i'm ok. , that she's there for me & wants to meet me when i'm well, & i would be the first person she would see, as my chance. This is a letter she gave me before i came back, that i hold onto & in times of panic i read & look to this day & focus 100% on & can't wait for. Doing this thinking it would help me is something only an evil liar could do, & i know she isn't. These words may in time be true or be her worst mistake, ever! So why you all say forget, No way.
meanon Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 Because it is making you ill, because you will never get well until you can devote some of the energy you invest in thinking about her into your own well being. Please take the threads to your therapist on Thursday and ask their opinion. If you literally can't get past the thought of never resolving things with her then find a way to shelve it, to stop thinking about it until some point in the future when you can cope with it. The therapist may be able to teach you some specific techniques to enable you to do this. As long as you are so focused on her, she has the power to put at risk your recovery - as has happened in the last few days. You need to get better for you, not for her. We are concerned about you, that's why we are all advising the same thing.
moimeme Posted February 23, 2004 Posted February 23, 2004 In your mind, if someone you care for went away to get well, wouldn't you be curious or interested to know how they were. I know i would & so would many others i've spoken to. It has happened with two men in my life, and I do wonder about them, but I also know that they have too many problems to be able to have a good relationship and that we are better off apart. I know she still feels something or she would have said she doesn't want to see me again She knew you were in a fragile state. I'm betting she said that so you wouldn't totally lose it. she has written that the future is open & no-one knows. That's pretty much like saying 'never say never'. Mostly, you mean that 'never' is very likely, but there is a miniscule chance that things might change. Again, I'm pretty sure she felt she couldn't slam the door in your face because she knew it would crush you at the time. I obviously have an advantage, because she knows my nice points that outweigh my bad, as opposed to meeting some strange guy she knows nothing about & may be terrible to her. There are plenty of other guys who will turn out to be wonderful to her. Her most recent communication with you was that she wanted to see other men. You have to stop trying to hold her to old words. What she has said to you recently is what you have to work with. Burn the old letter; its' not valid anymore.
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