nevertoolate Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I've been with my BF for a little over a year now. We've been on and off for some of it. With all the break-ups, I've been the one to initiate them and I've been the one to initiate it every time we reunite. We've been back on now for about the last three months. I decided to give it a go this last time because after spending time together as friends, I just didn't feel like things were really over between us yet. Also, I had seen some changes in both of us - the reasons I broke up with him in the past I believed would no longer be issues. I still had feelings for him and decided that I would move on from the past. After three months of this last go-round, it seems confirmed to me that our old issues are no longer issues. But at this point, I'm kind of just feeling like I'm not sure if he's the one for me to spend my life with. We're both in our 30's. Neither of us really wants to be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. He's let me know many times that he wants to be able to plan a life with me. I've always been the one saying I don't know if that's what I want. He's a really great guy to me. We do get along and there's nothing that he did that is causing me to think I shouldn't be with him. He's a great catch for the right girl I believe. The challenge now is that we met through school. We're older students, but we're in a full-time program together that will last through April. We sit next to each other in some classes, and are even in a group together for a project in one of them. We also currently spend about three or four nights a week together at my place. I don't know how much longer to go on feeling like this. It's not fair to him I realize. Though I'm not typing this feeling 100% like I know he's not the one. I guess I'm just pretty sure. I guess some questions I have are: 1. How long do I stay in it wondering if he's the one? He is a good guy, and we have no major problems. I just feel like there is something big missing with us. 2. How do I not lead him on? I definitely try not to give him the impression that I know for sure. Is just being with him leading him on if I am unsure? 3. If I need to break up, how do I break up with him, considering being in school together and seeing each other daily? Can anyone offer some advice? Thank you in advance.
shayan Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I was recently in a committed relationship with a girl who I went to college with. She was really kind and nicer then any girl I had dated prior to her and she was quite beautiful. However, no matter how much I realized and rationalized the fact that she was a great catch I didn't feel it. I finally had to break it off, and I believe I did hurt her quite a bit. Look if you stay with someone you are not happy with, you will make both you and your partner miserable and you are helping no one. It happens, I suppose sometimes we meet wonderful people who we find very valueble but still don't quite 'love' them, you needn't be baffled by your feelings, it happens all the time. So my question of course is, do you really have something for him or are you holding on because you fear the pain and ramifications which will follow a break up? I understand that your situation is sticky but it will be no easier pretending like you are happy and leading this poor man on (I know because I was this poor man once upon a time). You need to answer your own question and operate accordingly if you can find a genuine reason to stay then you should stick it out and work to rebuild your relationship. But don't for a second think a decision based in fear will get you or him anywhere in life.
Author nevertoolate Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Shayan - thanks for taking the time to share your experience and advice.
Don Ho Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 He's a really great guy to me. We do get along and there's nothing that he did that is causing me to think I shouldn't be with him. I guess some questions I have are: 1. How long do I stay in it wondering if he's the one? He is a good guy, and we have no major problems. I just feel like there is something big missing with us. 2. How do I not lead him on? I definitely try not to give him the impression that I know for sure. Is just being with him leading him on if I am unsure? 3. If I need to break up, how do I break up with him, considering being in school together and seeing each other daily? Hey Nevertoolate, is this what you're looking for advice on? I think you have made your decision he is not the one for you, but you're wrestling with how to deal with it. You did say that he's "a great catch for the right girl". Ouch. Did you read what you wrote? I am curious, do you think he has changed or you have always felt like it's "just not there"? 1. Not much longer. You already answered it. Just long enough to make a plan about how to tell him. 2. I don't think you're unsure. I think your afraid of losing a "great guy"? a good friend? you're afraid of being alone? 3. I think you have to tell him the truth. 'We have had or issues and ups and downs. I think the reason for that is that we just don't belong together. I'm not doing you any favors by not letting you find a woman that is definite about you and no favors to myself by continuing this'. Being in school together will make it difficult, but you can't just keep going on because it might become uncomfortable. Good luck Sista, keep us posted and let us know what you decide to do!
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