Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[Donewrong]

That is way out of line. YGG has made a lot of great posts and has been more then willing to share her story, and no she does not just blame the men, she even has admitted to her own shortcomings on more then one occasion. Shes not trying to blame the H solely but it seems that he needs to accept his part and so does Donewrong. The load is not hers alone to carry, they each had their part and the problems of the M go much deeper then just the affair.

 

 

 

I am sorry but I completely disagree with this new age everyone is too blame bs. Look its pretty clear for 5 years she has been searching the internet for EA's and sex. She has been doing this since her daughter was 6 years old. That is more than enough to destroy a family. OK great maybe the H had communication problems but flat out her actions have been like a slow moving cancer that has destroyed this family and will have long term effects on their daughter

 

I do not agree with the each person shares 50% of the blame nonsense

 

You are 100 percent right.

[2sunny]

i wasn't trying to attack - was just trying to point out a possible solution for the best interest of your child. i was surprised by his harsh defensive reaction to a possible suggestion of help.

 

 

no one will tell either one of you that this is easy on any family member. i hope you all will take care of each other - whether you stay married or not. just because two people divorce doesn't mean they don't love each other.

 

decency between all of you can be predominant and effective even when divorce happens. it usually makes the healing easier.

[Donewrong]

i wasn't trying to attack - was just trying to point out a possible solution for the best interest of your child. i was surprised by his harsh defensive reaction to a possible suggestion of help.

 

 

no one will tell either one of you that this is easy on any family member. i hope you all will take care of each other - whether you stay married or not. just because two people divorce doesn't mean they don't love each other.

 

decency between all of you can be predominant and effective even when divorce happens. it usually makes the healing easier.

 

I know you weren't - but I believe thats how he felt. I may be wrong and he may come back and comment to correct me..I don't know. He is a really good guy - and I was a stupid stupid woman.

[lkjh]

2sunny,

you were trying to attack the guy has made it clear as day that he does not like therapy and who can blame him. The last time he said no therapy you pushed and anyone with any common sense knows if you push a person who is going through something like this especially when dealing with a bunch of strangers who are constantly trying to blame him for his wifes affair and keep claiming that his child hates him is a bad idea

 

Next you even took a shot at him when he got a little annoyed with by saying you must have hit a sore spot. A mature person who was simply "trying to point out a solution" would not have taken that road

[lkjh]

Donewrong I don't know if you were saying you agree with Tojaz comment about both of you owning 50% of the blame or my comment about not believing both parties own 50% of the blame. But I really hope you realize that your actions over the past 5 years seriously contributed to his downfalls

[Donewrong]

Donewrong I don't know if you were saying you agree with Tojaz comment about both of you owning 50% of the blame or my comment about not believing both parties own 50% of the blame. But I really hope you realize that your actions over the past 5 years seriously contributed to his downfalls

 

 

I agree that there is no 50/50 blame. I have done this not him. 100 percent me.

[jnj express]

Hey Done Wrong-----You now have the WHY to the way you have been acting out-----You have FOO issues, of abandonment----Your mother dying---I am sure you felt abandoned by her leaving you, thru passing on----you have feelings of rejection by your father leaving you and your sister---and you have been abused physically----RIGHT THERE YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWERS----

 

What you now must do is get to a legitimate specialized counselor who deals with FOO issues, and you will straighten yourself out, and fix the wrong that is inside of you

 

PH D Bonnie Weil has been able to put 98 % of the broken mge.'s that have come to her, back together--based on dealing with FOO issues--

 

I know your H., has issues with counseling----but you have just given yourself the answers as to why you have acted out the way you have

 

Your medical plan should have some provision for covering counseling---also your H., may reject counseling for your daughter, but if you get her the right counselor now, she should be able to live a good and healthy life------at this point your H. seems to not want to face reality, and seemingly wants to let money stand in the way of healing up this mess

 

No matter what, Done Wrong---you have just given yourself the key to why, you act out---now go and do something about---if your H. doesn't want to go along and try to R. the mge., based on successful counseling then fine, let him go his seperate way

 

What you will do, now that you know what to fix, will help you to have a good and decent future----I wish the best for you, and your daughter

[2sunny]

2sunny,

you were trying to attack the guy has made it clear as day that he does not like therapy and who can blame him. The last time he said no therapy you pushed and anyone with any common sense knows if you push a person who is going through something like this especially when dealing with a bunch of strangers who are constantly trying to blame him for his wifes affair and keep claiming that his child hates him is a bad idea

 

Next you even took a shot at him when he got a little annoyed with by saying you must have hit a sore spot. A mature person who was simply "trying to point out a solution" would not have taken that road

 

first - i didn't attack him - i asked him to keep an open mind for a possible solution.

 

second - i never blamed him for his wife's affair - in fact i have presented quite the opposite position... so don't tell me i have blamed him, i haven't!

 

third - i never claimed that his child hated him. i merely stated what was presented - she is angry... my solution was and still is counseling for an angry child - not just his child but any angry child.

 

please don't put words in my posts that aren't there.

[JustJoe]

So DW, you have admitted being "100%", wrong. So what are you currently doing to change yourself? What plans do you have for regaining your honesty, and presenting a good, moral, example for your little girl? How would you feel if she grew up and did this to HER husband?

[Donewrong]

So DW, you have admitted being "100%", wrong. So what are you currently doing to change yourself? What plans do you have for regaining your honesty, and presenting a good, moral, example for your little girl? How would you feel if she grew up and did this to HER husband?

 

Well first off I have to focus on us moving and getting her settled. Secondly - I am going to seek help for my issues. I have told her over and over again what I did was wrong and i will continue that. I do not tell her - oh honey - this is your dads fault. I tell her its my fault and what I did to our family was unforgivable. I will answer any question she ask. She will know everything I am doing step by step to recover my self so yeah she sees that mommy did something really bad but look at what shes doing to try and make it right. Communication.

[Donewrong]

Hey Done Wrong-----You now have the WHY to the way you have been acting out-----You have FOO issues, of abandonment----Your mother dying---I am sure you felt abandoned by her leaving you, thru passing on----you have feelings of rejection by your father leaving you and your sister---and you have been abused physically----RIGHT THERE YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWERS----

 

What you now must do is get to a legitimate specialized counselor who deals with FOO issues, and you will straighten yourself out, and fix the wrong that is inside of you

 

PH D Bonnie Weil has been able to put 98 % of the broken mge.'s that have come to her, back together--based on dealing with FOO issues--

 

I know your H., has issues with counseling----but you have just given yourself the answers as to why you have acted out the way you have

 

Your medical plan should have some provision for covering counseling---also your H., may reject counseling for your daughter, but if you get her the right counselor now, she should be able to live a good and healthy life------at this point your H. seems to not want to face reality, and seemingly wants to let money stand in the way of healing up this mess

 

No matter what, Done Wrong---you have just given yourself the key to why, you act out---now go and do something about---if your H. doesn't want to go along and try to R. the mge., based on successful counseling then fine, let him go his seperate way

 

What you will do, now that you know what to fix, will help you to have a good and decent future----I wish the best for you, and your daughter

 

As for WN going to councelling with me - I have a feeling that will not happen. He has decided to move on with his life. There is no plans for any reconciliation but we have been talking and that doesn't mean there won't be later on. I am giving him his space he needs to heal. So if 3 months down the road we decide to give it a shot I will probably be still in counceilling and who knows he may decide to join that would be up to him...that is way too far in the future to worry about.

[Donewrong]

I do have contact information for a free family councilling group here in our hometown. I will be calling tomorrrow to see if I can make an appointment with them. Will keep you posted.

[jnj express]

Hey Done Wrong-----No, you are not looking at this the right way-----free counseling who knows what you get for a counselor---THERE ARE ONE HELL OF A LOT OF COUNSELORS OUT THERE THAT ARE HORRIBLE, and they will just make things worse

 

Your problems relate to FOO issues, and you need to get specialized counseling for those issues, same goes for your daughter

 

YOU DO NOT GO TO JUST ANY COUNSELOR---YOU MUST DO THIS RIGHT

[Donewrong]

Hey Done Wrong-----No, you are not looking at this the right way-----free counseling who knows what you get for a counselor---THERE ARE ONE HELL OF A LOT OF COUNSELORS OUT THERE THAT ARE HORRIBLE, and they will just make things worse

 

Your problems relate to FOO issues, and you need to get specialized counseling for those issues, same goes for your daughter

 

YOU DO NOT GO TO JUST ANY COUNSELOR---YOU MUST DO THIS RIGHT

 

I know but for the short term - until we are settled in our new homes..I may have to start the free councelling. Once we are settled I can move ahead and look for a good councellor. I do need to start immediately if i have any hope in correctly my behaviour.

[JustJoe]

DW, my hope is that your little girl will NOT learn about dishonesty from your example. I hope that she will learn her morals from her father. But I also hope that you will finally put somebody else's well-being ahead of your own desires, and show true remorse, by changing your attitude about honesty, love and family. Good Luck!!

[FryFish]

Not every child from a broken home needs counseling or will even find it useful. Before sending a kid to a STRANGER to try and fix it people need to sit down with them and let them know that they are safe and its ok to be mad...

[Donewrong]

DW, my hope is that your little girl will NOT learn about dishonesty from your example. I hope that she will learn her morals from her father. But I also hope that you will finally put somebody else's well-being ahead of your own desires, and show true remorse, by changing your attitude about honesty, love and family. Good Luck!!

 

That is my goal JJ. My marriage is over and I am here trying to fix myself. If I really didn't want to change why would I be here? Thanks

[jnj express]

Hey DW---when you go to the counseling center---talk to whoever assigns counselors, and explain what you need solved----they might have someone who is trained to help you with your issues----but if things do not seem to go well, or you don't like the counselor quit immediately---DO NOT STAY WITH A BAD COUNSELOR----your gut feeling will tell you what is good and bad about the counseling sessions

 

As to your daughter---she may not need heavy counseling---but she should go to someone other than you or her father, and at least talk about her emotions and what she feels----let her get all of this off of her chest----and talking to someone is by far the best therapy even for a child---she is 11 she knows what is going on

[2.50 a gallon]

Donewrong

 

Understand that many of the posters here have been in your husbands shoes, and they are still hungering to get their pound of flesh and at present you are any easy target. To these posters, you are dead meat in the water.

 

I too was once in your husband's shoes, and can tell you that it hurts to read W-N's post as he goes through discovery. It is like re-experiencing the past.

 

WW's (Wayward Wives) and WH's are a rarity on this board, it is a case of death by a thousand cuts and they quickly disappear. I hope that you will be strong enough to ride it out and stick it out on this board as you go through your journey of self discovery, perhaps you might be able to provide some insights.

 

I find your timeline of your teenage years to be disturbing, as my GF's grand daughter has a similar tale to tell. She has been taken by the state, and we have had no contact in over 2 years. It troubles us what the future might hold for her.

 

Also, in reading your timeline, one of the things that stands out is that you went straight from your grandparents house to living with your husband and never got to live on your own, and in so doing discover who you truly are.

Edited September 9, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[What_Next]

Not every child from a broken home needs counseling or will even find it useful. Before sending a kid to a STRANGER to try and fix it people need to sit down with them and let them know that they are safe and its ok to be mad...

 

Amen to that. Right now I am not considering counsiling for her. That's not to say that I am not in the medium term. Right now I have to move then DW has to move. We need to get through that first.

 

Bitterman, I apologize for coming at you. I know you understand my anger as I go through this; I am sure you have been through fits of rage. Once again I apologize. 2sunny, I owe you an apology as well. I do think that your absolute insistence on counciling is misplaced and WRONG but you have your right to your opinion. I'll say it again, this is MY CHILD and I KNOW what is best for her. Not strangers on a message board. You can certainly comment, but there is just no way you can see the full picture.

 

Now, back on topic. DW has put out some information about her past and I know all of this firsthand. Here's something to remember for EVERYONE, from the time she was 16, I WAS THERE!!!!! I stood by her no matter what. I held her hand when her grandfather died, I was with her when her sister put her through hell on earth. I was with her when we were struggling to survive financially for years and years. I was there.

 

Was I the best husband in the world? Hell no. Is any husband? I made a lot of mistakes along the way and wasn't as attentive as I should have been; most definitely. However, after 20 years and all of this because DW feels unloved or unwanted she goes off and sleeps with a 23 year old boy???? Really???? She involved our child??? Really???

 

Put that in perspective everyone. Put the larger picture in your mind before you jump to post and take me to task, OK? Heck I tried almost everything I knew how to save our marriage. Those of us who followed along with me know that. Counsiling? Well in case anyone didn't know she sat there in a MC session with me less than 12 hrs after having SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!

 

I'm not sure who mentioned it but they said I was attacking those on this thread who were trying to help me just like I did on my thread. Well you know what, I did attack those on my thread who insisted she was having an affair. Why, because I was defending her!! I am not evil, I am not a bad person.

 

I certainly hope that DW does what she says she is going to. I hope she does really try and get to the bottom of what she has done. Since up to this point it's been words only, not actions. She's done almost nothing to give me reason to even want to take her back as a friend, let alone a partner in a romantic relationship.

 

I'll say it again, because I have no issue with admitting I am wrong when I am, that I apologize to those that I jumped on. I hope this post helps at least explain some of my emotion.

[ThumbingMyWay]

oh my - my history..

my mother died when I was 6

My father left me and my sister with our grandparents a month later - moved to another province and raised another family.

I was a rape victim at 14

I was 15 when my father had an accident swimming and became paralized

I was 16 when I went through a pregnancy for Whats next

I was 16 and found my grandfather in bed when he passsed away

I moved out with What Next when I was 17

My dad was an alcoholic - i didn't see him much but when i did he was drunk

 

That one....up there....has affected you more than you think....

 

When you do IC.....you will tell them all things above...and the 2 things you will work on, are the abandonment and rape.....those are 2 deep rooted issues that need to be addressed and delth with and then ultimately left behind

 

 

 

Here's something to remember for EVERYONE, from the time she was 16, I WAS THERE!!!!! I stood by her no matter what. I held her hand when her grandfather died, I was with her when her sister put her through hell on earth. I was with her when we were struggling to survive financially for years and years. I was there.

 

Was I the best husband in the world? Hell no. Is any husband? I made a lot of mistakes along the way and wasn't as attentive as I should have been; most definitely. However, after 20 years and all of this because DW feels unloved or unwanted she goes off and sleeps with a 23 year old boy???? Really???? She involved our child??? Really???

 

Put that in perspective everyone. Put the larger picture in your mind before you jump to post and take me to task, OK? Heck I tried almost everything I knew how to save our marriage. Those of us who followed along with me know that. Counsiling? Well in case anyone didn't know she sat there in a MC session with me less than 12 hrs after having SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!

 

 

 

First off.....WN...there is ALOT of anger in you...and rightfully so....just reading these things brings the anger back in me and what my wife did. So similar our situ is.....

 

I met my wife at age 17....we are turning 40 this year. She was abuse by her mother....left to live with dad at age 16...met me at 17...dad died when she was 20. I had a great family...she was like one of us from the start. We all loved her. We were her family. Fast forward to mid 30's, 2 kids later.....

 

We became complacent.....we didnt talk....we just lived....we were parents and individuals....not husband and wife. She felt the same as yours....unloved, unwanted......

 

then along came OM.....boy was he a charmer....said all things my wife NEEDED to hear from me....tick tock tick tock.....the affair was inevatble. Yes she choose to do it...was all her choice.

 

As for MC...yeah...we did it too.....8 months man....ALL THE WHILE SHE WAS IN AN AFFAIR.....***in blind sided me man. I thought we were just having problems....she saidn it was a ONS....BUT then 8 months later....BAM....the truth was it was full blown A...all under my nose. *** that still pisses me off.

 

What saved me....was I learned so much during MC...that by the time it all came out...I was able to deal with it.

 

I could go on and on.....but to get to the point....we stayed togther and things are much better know that ever before. I am not saying you should reconcile....all I am saying is....you both need to fix YOURSELVES...then try to fix your relationship....wether that cordial freindship or get back together.

 

You have ALOT of history...its a shame to what happened...

 

but you must understand this....her sleeping wiht OM...was a symptom to the problem....a colateral damage.

 

Solve the problem and the symptoms go away

[2sunny]

I certainly hope that DW does what she says she is going to. I hope she does really try and get to the bottom of what she has done. Since up to this point it's been words only, not actions. She's done almost nothing to give me reason to even want to take her back as a friend, let alone a partner in a romantic relationship.

 

 

when words and actions don't match... something is usually off.

 

IF someone intends to do what they say = it starts happening *not just the empty words).

 

so, the words without the action to match means that nothing is happening to put those words in a place where they are believable.

 

 

i would fully prefer that someone NOT tell me a thing - but to SHOW me with their actions what their intentions are. that way their empty words don't continue to prove to me that they are lying by their inactions to the spoken words they chose.

[What_Next]

Thumbingmyway, your post was very well thought out. Very well written. It is a post like yours that I can read and listen to. You've been there. I get the fact that her screwing this guy was what you might term collateral damage, but I am sorry I just don't think I'll ever get those images out of my head.

 

As for MC, well at 150 per session there is no damned way I am EVER going near MC with her again. We spent 3 sessions and WASTED $450 while she sat there knowing she wanted to screw another man. Umm, no, nope. Sorry.

 

I'll come back to what I said earlier, why should I now do the heavy lifting? Why should I do the hard work? It's up to HER, NOT ME. For now I need sanity, I need to be happy. I need a chance to rebuild my life with my child and getting my own place allows that.

 

2sunny, i admire you not holding a grudge, thanks for that. Your post summed up perhaps why some of my anger came through last night. She did another thing last night that clearly shows that her actions and her words are NOT in alignment. All of her promises, tears, claims etc up to this point are just EMPTY words. They mean NOTHING. For all I know they are a pack of lies, just like our marriage was.

[ThumbingMyWay]

but I am sorry I just don't think I'll ever get those images out of my head.

 

As for MC, well at 150 per session there is no damned way I am EVER going near MC with her again. We spent 3 sessions and WASTED $450 while she sat there knowing she wanted to screw another man. Umm, no, nope. Sorry.

 

I'll come back to what I said earlier, why should I now do the heavy lifting? Why should I do the hard work? It's up to HER, NOT ME. For now I need sanity, I need to be happy. I need a chance to rebuild my life with my child and getting my own place allows that.

 

 

to be honest....the images of my wife and OM have not left me either...still clear as day. been 5 years...wow 5 years... i just learned to store them back in a secret compartment in my "box of fear".

 

Anger is a stong emotion...and you are FULL bore right now. I didnt feel anger until about a year later...hits everyone differently, at various times. there will be 5 stages for both of you. Denial, Anger, Barginning, Depression and Acceptance. They dont all come in order and sometimes they repeat. Dont run from them....deal with all of them.

 

I think after reading your thread...you already did the Denial....and the barginning. You have anger now....and depression will come...dont think it wont. And so will acceptance man...it will come...trust me on that.

 

 

So...I cant deny your need to leave....that is a perfectly sound choice given the situ. Get your place...get your head straight....deal with all of this either here or IC.....reconnect with you daughter and start part 2 of your life.

 

But eventually...you WILL have to deal with the problem....and someday you will have to forgive...you probably wont forget..I didnt.

 

All these things you will have to endure...and you will get to a better place. it will be a long haul man and it wont be easy. DOnt deny what you feel.....FEEL IT and DEAL with IT.....then LEAVE it behind. You cant carry all this with you. Forgive those who have done wrong to you, so that your Father will forgive you too.

[ThumbingMyWay]

hmmm...maybe I shouldnt be posting here...on DW thread....I should move to yours.