Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[2sunny]

She is 11. How is my relationship affected with her? You mean besides the fact that she largely blames all of this on me? You mean besides the fact that it is hard for her to even want to spend time with me anymore? You mean besides the fact that she hardly wants to hug her dad anymore? You need more? You mean besides the fact the when we told her about our seperate places she told me that she would come by once in a while and see me, maybe? Need more? I can go on.

 

I am NOT focusing on that one meeting. DW IMHO needs to come clean and admit the lie to our child. Which she really has yet to do. It's important that she understands that much. Our child really knew little of what was going on and no, that one event won't "scar" her or anything like that. The first Christmas without her family together, there's a scar for you. Her first birthday waking up to either only her mother

 

When I let DW know with certainty that it was over, DW spent a lot of time crying a lot. Completely normal. She actually did her best to keep it away from our child and I give her credit for it. However, when your 11 year old looks at you and says "Dad I know you are happier now but can you stop making Mommy cry" how would that make you feel?

 

This post is full of emotion, take it for what it is.

 

since your W hasn't even come clean to your daughter about her truth - then that alone tells me that she's not willing to take responsibility for her actions. that's terrible. terrible for your daughter and for you...

 

especially since your daughter's perspective seems to assume that YOU are making Mommy cry! WTF? your W should immediately tell your child that this is ALL her fault. that Dad has a healthy boundary and is unwilling to stay married to a cheater.

 

IF she doesn't even begin to get honest with herself and others - she is bound and determined to cause MORE damage than she's already done.

 

it takes so much more effort to cover up the lies than it does to just tell your truth.

 

since she hasn't told - why not tell your daughter the truth anyway? she deserves to know. i say tell her immediately - so as to not cause MORE confusion and she can start processing what the future holds - just like the rest of you.

 

why should you be penalized against time with your daughter when you are trying to do the right thing considering the circumstances? how can your W live with herself AGAIN knowing she's covering up that truth?

 

 

what has your Mom been saying about all these changes?

[PWSX3]

 

I am also moving forward with dating other women in the short term. Now I have no intentions on getting into anything serious, just dating.

I might be wrong, but just my experience with my group from DC class he will be back with a story like this.

 

I was not looking for a relationship, but I met this girl & we just clicked. We have so much in common, etc. etc......

 

I would like to suggest just hang out with friends in a social group setting for a while. Work on your anger, frustration, & grieve the loss of your marriage, and everything that went with it & I'm sure you will be happier in the end.

 

I know everyone is different but in my case I was one of those guys, met a girl wasn't going to get involved, went out a couple times, started to email, text, etc. & a year and a half later we are still seeing each other, but we have had our ups & downs & mainly because of our past, both being married for over 20 years to our spouses.

 

Now that the newness has warn off I wonder if I did all the work I needed to get over my D, do all the grieving that needed done????

 

They say the best time to really do some serious work on yourself is after a situation such as separation, divorce, etc....You have the time so I just say; use it wisely, I don't think I did.

 

Like they say; actions speak louder then words, see what she does, see if she gets herself in counseling, see if she gets some good solid woman friends around her to help her figure things out....

[2sunny]

DW - you never answered my question - have you quit drinking? going out with all your female friends?

 

the drinking can easily impair good judgment... helps to have more clarity if you stay away from it - especially while things are changing at a rapid pace.

[Darth Vader]

1 point of fact here, I TOLD HER about LS. Since the details of her affair came out I told her that I had a few places to turn to, and this was one of them. It was only a matter of time before she found my thread. I had nothing to hide in it.

 

I still believe little about the "truth" with regards to the affair, but no she did not have sex with him with my child present. There was no oppurtunity. Would she have had the weekend been allowed to continue? No idea, but she didn't.

 

She is asleep now, but I am sure she will continue to post tomorrow.

 

 

She brought your child down there so she could RIDE the OM, what, did she just leave the child in the car? Out in the Heat of the day, or night? If she brought the child into the home of this OM, then said child would obviously heard something going on! Even leaving the child in a Hotel room alone like that is child endangerment! That, my friend is punishable by the courts!

[hopesndreams]

She is 11. How is my relationship affected with her? You mean besides the fact that she largely blames all of this on me? You mean besides the fact that it is hard for her to even want to spend time with me anymore? You mean besides the fact that she hardly wants to hug her dad anymore? You need more? You mean besides the fact the when we told her about our seperate places she told me that she would come by once in a while and see me, maybe? Need more? I can go on.

 

I am NOT focusing on that one meeting. DW IMHO needs to come clean and admit the lie to our child. Which she really has yet to do. It's important that she understands that much. Our child really knew little of what was going on and no, that one event won't "scar" her or anything like that. The first Christmas without her family together, there's a scar for you. Her first birthday waking up to either only her mother

 

When I let DW know with certainty that it was over, DW spent a lot of time crying a lot. Completely normal. She actually did her best to keep it away from our child and I give her credit for it. However, when your 11 year old looks at you and says "Dad I know you are happier now but can you stop making Mommy cry" how would that make you feel?

 

This post is full of emotion, take it for what it is.

 

You need to find out exactly what your 11 year old daughter knows.

 

Perhaps resentment is present because you took her mother's fun away. Her mother was so much happier having a "friend".

[Donewrong]

since your W hasn't even come clean to your daughter about her truth - then that alone tells me that she's not willing to take responsibility for her actions. that's terrible. terrible for your daughter and for you...

 

especially since your daughter's perspective seems to assume that YOU are making Mommy cry! WTF? your W should immediately tell your child that this is ALL her fault. that Dad has a healthy boundary and is unwilling to stay married to a cheater.

 

IF she doesn't even begin to get honest with herself and others - she is bound and determined to cause MORE damage than she's already done.

 

it takes so much more effort to cover up the lies than it does to just tell your truth.

 

since she hasn't told - why not tell your daughter the truth anyway? she deserves to know. i say tell her immediately - so as to not cause MORE confusion and she can start processing what the future holds - just like the rest of you.

 

why should you be penalized against time with your daughter when you are trying to do the right thing considering the circumstances? how can your W live with herself AGAIN knowing she's covering up that truth?

 

 

what has your Mom been saying about all these changes?

 

Ok just to clear things up - I have talked to our daughter and informed her that what I did by taking her down to my friends place was wrong. I told her that the relationship that I had with this friend was wrong and I was to blame for all this happening. Her anger towards her dad goes back before my affair came out in the open. I won't go into details but DH knows what I am talking about. She did not witness anything when she was there. There was not kissing or touching just friends. Thats all she knew until we came home and we talked about it.

[2sunny]

DW - you never answered my question - have you quit drinking? going out with all your female friends?

 

the drinking can easily impair good judgment... helps to have more clarity if you stay away from it - especially while things are changing at a rapid pace.

 

can you clear this one up too?

[2sunny]

Ok just to clear things up - I have talked to our daughter and informed her that what I did by taking her down to my friends place was wrong. I told her that the relationship that I had with this friend was wrong and I was to blame for all this happening. Her anger towards her dad goes back before my affair came out in the open. I won't go into details but DH knows what I am talking about. She did not witness anything when she was there. There was not kissing or touching just friends. Thats all she knew until we came home and we talked about it.

 

no one was angry enough to ask HIM to leave before you cheated - so that doesn't hold water right now... separate circumstance - and one to be addressed with a family counselor.

 

have you explained to your child that this separation is your fault and the specific reasons you are all moving? can you be specific so she knows you cheated and he's not willing to stay married right now?

 

in other words, taking ownership of your bad behavior and the affect it has now had on the family unit?

[You Go Girl]

Ok just to clear things up - I have talked to our daughter and informed her that what I did by taking her down to my friends place was wrong. I told her that the relationship that I had with this friend was wrong and I was to blame for all this happening. Her anger towards her dad goes back before my affair came out in the open. I won't go into details but DH knows what I am talking about. She did not witness anything when she was there. There was not kissing or touching just friends. Thats all she knew until we came home and we talked about it.

 

There. See? All of you so quick to attack this woman--there's the truth, it is out.

After attacking her for even posting on LS--her H whatsnext comes on this thread and states he told her about this place.

After attacking her for this visit which was platonic (this particular time when the child was there it was) and the child does know it was wrong, the mother did explain that.

PLEASE stop jumping to conclusions before the facts are known, stop attacking without having all the information!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Gosh, making progress on this thread is like pulling teeth with all the emotional condemning instead of sticking to the facts.

 

So the daughter has anger toward her father that goes back in time. Something else. Something between father and daughter perhaps, that has nothing to do with the situation. Or perhaps watching abusive behavior between father and mother. We do know that there was at least one physical confrontation where donewrong was attacked in some manner by whatsnext.

I hope the daughter didn't witness that.

One thing is for sure: This child should never be made to feel that she has to choose between mom and dad. If NOTHING ELSE comes good out of this divorce, I do hope that mom and dad DO support the character of either parent when discussing them, do not berate or belittle the other parent, that the child is made to know that she can and should love both parents, that the child knows that she should never feel that she has to choose one parent to love more than the other, and most of all--that the child knows that she is not the cause for the divorce. As crazy as that may sound, young children ask themselves in all divorces if they were the cause.

Whatsnext and donewrong--please read the above paragraph carefully and make sure that you have the points I made covered. The two of you may be getting a divorce, but you should still be a united front on raising this young girl who is approaching her teenage years and all the upheaval that that brings with an intact family, much less a divorced one.

You BOTH need to have discussions with your daughter. You both need to tell her that she is loved by both of you. You both need to tell her that in no way shape or form is this divorce her fault. You both need to tell her that you will never abandon her. You both need to tell her that it is not only ok, but good for her to love the other parent.

[lkjh]

You go girl,

your logic seems awfully skewed. You want to blame the H for everything and put nothing on her. Look the facts are this lady was trying to "save" her marriage while banging some guy who live in his parents basement. She lied constantly until her H found out and then she had the guts to say she wanted to keep the guy as a friend

 

 

That alone can let anyone with common sense know that there is something wrong with this lady. Get off your mission of trying to just blame the husband. We get it, you have a problem with men

[You Go Girl]

You go girl,

your logic seems awfully skewed. You want to blame the H for everything and put nothing on her. Look the facts are this lady was trying to "save" her marriage while banging some guy who live in his parents basement. She lied constantly until her H found out and then she had the guts to say she wanted to keep the guy as a friend

 

 

That alone can let anyone with common sense know that there is something wrong with this lady. Get off your mission of trying to just blame the husband. We get it, you have a problem with men

 

Gosh no.

I don't want to blame him for anything he doesn't own.

He played his part, she played hers.

I certainly am not blaming the H. What she did was destroy the foundation of trust within a marriage that is loyalty and fidelity. Where in the world do you get the idea I have a problem with men? I think you shouldn't say such things on LS, such sweeping generalizations about a person, or attack them personally as you just did me, it is in violation. I won't turn your post in, but I think you should remember that personal attacks are a no-no in the future.

[Donewrong]

can you clear this one up too?

 

 

No drinking. I am not a drinker anyway - I have a social one but thats it. Don't know where the drinking came from

[Donewrong]

You go girl,

your logic seems awfully skewed. You want to blame the H for everything and put nothing on her. Look the facts are this lady was trying to "save" her marriage while banging some guy who live in his parents basement. She lied constantly until her H found out and then she had the guts to say she wanted to keep the guy as a friend

 

 

That alone can let anyone with common sense know that there is something wrong with this lady. Get off your mission of trying to just blame the husband. We get it, you have a problem with men

 

Record straight - I never said I wanted to keep the OM as a friend.

 

This is not DHs fault - it is mine.

[Donewrong]

I guess what I am saying none of this is DHs fault what so ever. I take complete ownership and yes I discussed this with our daughter. She has been angry for a while and it was before the affair was exposed. I have told her countless times that this uproot in home is because of me. DH didn't force me to go and have sex with another man. I made that decision not him. I do take ownership of my actions and I am not pointing fingers. The point of this thread is to help me fix myself. Unless I go into reasons why I was unhappy in my marriage I wont be able to do that. DH and I talked in detail today about what brought us both to be unhappy and it felt good getting it out. This is not a Whats next bash.

[jnj express]

OK---lets put this where it really belongs----both parents are at fault for a lot of things----

 

Believe me the 11 yr. old knew/knows what's going on, and has for a long time-----kids are a lot more savvy than you wanna give em credit for

 

This goes back 5 yrs or longer---when the mother started to roam the internet looking for men---the mother had a problem then, and if one partner has a problem---there is A PROBLEM

 

The H. found out about the A., but he never said how that situation was handled, but I can only guess it wasn't handled very strongly cuz the mother continued to look for men on the internet

 

This child has been living in a hostile atmosphere for 5 years or longer---would either of the parents care to dispute me on that statement

 

The mother has the major blame, and the father is also to blame to a lesser extent----but I will tell you this----this 11 yr. old will have mental problems due to this for the rest of her life-----

[Donewrong]

No I don't think DH has any blame in this at all. I don't think our daughter has been in a bad environment for the last 5 years - we have tried to keep things as normal as possible for her. She will be affected by this and she already has and I am to blame for that not DH. She is holding on to anger towards her dad for reasons other than the affair being exposed. I tell her everyday that she shouldn't be angry at her dad. I tell her thathe loves her very much. I tell her that when I am sad - I am sad because of my actions not her dads. I can only do so much with regards to restoring the relationship between her and her dad. I will work on it based on the A because that is my responsiblity. The anger before the A exposure he will have to work at that. I do not bad mouth her dad to her - I am defending him and telling her how much her dad loves her.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Donewrong

[hopesndreams]

The anger before the A exposure he will have to work at that.

 

For 5 years you have been emotionally abusing your H. What makes you think his anger is not related to what you've done?

 

The lies, the deceit, the robbing him of a W that would be there for him and him only.

[tojaz]

Get off your mission of trying to just blame the husband. We get it, you have a problem with men

 

That is way out of line. YGG has made a lot of great posts and has been more then willing to share her story, and no she does not just blame the men, she even has admitted to her own shortcomings on more then one occasion. Shes not trying to blame the H solely but it seems that he needs to accept his part and so does Donewrong. The load is not hers alone to carry, they each had their part and the problems of the M go much deeper then just the affair.

 

 

This is not DHs fault - it is mine.

 

I guess what I am saying none of this is DHs fault what so ever. I take complete ownership and yes I discussed this with our daughter. She has been angry for a while and it was before the affair was exposed. I have told her countless times that this uproot in home is because of me. DH didn't force me to go and have sex with another man. I made that decision not him. I do take ownership of my actions and I am not pointing fingers. The point of this thread is to help me fix myself. Unless I go into reasons why I was unhappy in my marriage I wont be able to do that. DH and I talked in detail today about what brought us both to be unhappy and it felt good getting it out. This is not a Whats next bash.

 

Part of fixing yourself is not just accepting your part, but also accepting that he has his. (see above). I think you both need to move past assessing blame and punishment for what has been. Theres a lot of fixing that needs to be done, but you need to remember that this is on BOTH sides, and since I know your reading it W_N, take note of that as well. Nobody is innocent here! NOBODY!

 

TOJAZ

[Donewrong]

The anger before the A exposure he will have to work at that.

 

For 5 years you have been emotionally abusing your H. What makes you think his anger is not related to what you've done?

 

The lies, the deceit, the robbing him of a W that would be there for him and him only.

 

 

I meant the daughters anger.

 

DH has every right to be angry. I will take it and learn from it.

[Donewrong]

You've been looking for sex on the internet 5 years ago, your daughter is pissed at her dad for something before the exposure of the affair, along with your trip to La-La Land and you don't think your daughter has been in a bad household?

 

I think up til this summer our daughter has been in a pretty household. If DH disagres with that - he can gladly reply.

[Donewrong]

Regarding the affair, W.N. is innocent.

 

 

I agree Bitterman. DH has nothing to do with me doing the actaual act and ownershoip is mine and only mine.

[tojaz]

Regarding the affair, W.N. is innocent.

 

Ever thought of cutting back to say Bitterman 12/3 or so?

 

That would depend on how narrow a view you choose to take. This thread is not in the OM/OW forum, this place is about marriages, and Donewrong has said she started this thread for working on her and discussing her marriage as a whole. If you would like to focus on one small aspect of that, that is your right, but I choose to post in a way that helps others, not just to see my words on the screen or spread my anger.

 

Im a BS myself, but even in my own situation, it is better to look at it all as a whole, there is little to be learned otherwise.

 

TOJAZ

[Donewrong]

 

Im a BS myself, but even in my own situation, it is better to look at it all as a whole, there is little to be learned otherwise.

 

TOJAZ

 

What does BS mean,,sorry really new here

[tojaz]

What does BS mean,,sorry really new here

 

No worries. BS= Betrayed Spouse not meant as cold as it sounds, just a descriptive term.

 

TOJAZ

[Donewrong]

Your affair and W.N. abusing you= bad environment.

 

DH did not abuse me - lets make that clear - you make it sound like I got weekly beatings - that is not the case and please don't assume.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Donewrong